Saving Carson Shelter Dogs posted a video of a shy dog completely flipping out when he realizes he's adopted and free. The group is a Facebook community devoted to sharing success stories when dogs at a high-kill shelter in California are adopted.
Benny, the dog in the video, is indeed a success story. He bucks like a horse once he gets out of his cage, and really lets loose in the parking lot on the way back to his new home. And unlike some other dogs that get rescued, he didn't even have to post a shameless sign on Facebook asking to be adopted. Benny has an extremely high vertical when he jumps for joy:
Nothing like celebrating the news of your new family with a nice long pee outside. Good luck to Benny, and may he enjoy a long life full of jumping and peeing outdoors.
Festivus, a holiday made popular by Seinfeld, gets bigger and bigger every year. Fans celebrate "Festivus for the rest of us"every December 23rd, by gathering around a stark aluminum pole, airing their grievances, and performing feats of strength. Yes, buying Festivus gifts kind of defeats the the whole purpose of the holiday, but who cares? Here are 15 gift ideas for the Seinfeld superfan in your life. Happy Festivus!
"Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had, but so did another man. As I rained blows upon him, I realized there had to be another way." -Frank Costanza
Great gift for any child you want to disappoint, confuse, or terrify this holiday season.
The person you buy this for may say, "but I don't want to be a pirate." But that's just too damn bad, Grandpa. You're getting a puffy shirt, and you're going to like it.
Most kids who still believe in Santa are probably too young to control their fear when they're actually handed over to a strange bearded man by their parents. This slow-mo vid of wee babes having hysterical reactions to Mr. Claus is perfect, because you can't actually hear them crying! You just get all the fun of watching children freak out when they meet their hero. There are even a few kiddies who do have an unexpectedly positive reaction. Let them imbue you with the wonderful spirit of the holiday before you get back to giggling over weeping toddlers.
It is now Wednesday on the week after The Force Awakens was released, so you've either seen the movie or you clicked on this article because you don't care about spoilers—so you know that Adam Driver of Girls fame plays Kylo Ren, a black-clad Sith apprentice hoping to become the next Darth Vader. One enterprising Twitter hero has taken that character's mood issues and created the breakout parody account of the entire Star Wars universe: Emo Kylo Ren.
You also know that Kylo has trouble controlling his emotions to an extent that make his whiny uncle Luke Skywalker and petulant grandfather Anakin/Vader look like zen philosophers.
Watching him try to control his emotions with no supervision or affection drives home the fact that he really is pretty much an emo teenager who's been given Force powers, a lightsaber, and an army—which is a pretty terrifying thought.
Sure, they command a planet-sized battlestation together and terrorize the galaxy, but Kylo's friendship/rivalry with the black-clad space Nazi General Hux is pure high school.
There's also the fact that he's stunned when he meets a girl, Rey, who can do all the stuff he can do—but learns it faster and seems to do it better. It's a phase many emotionally stunted boys struggle with.
Fortunately for the movie, Kylo's issues with rage and family expectations are central parts of his character. This makes his severe mood problems integral to the story, although it doesn't stop it from being hilarious on Twitter that the would-be Vader of the First Order has all the nuanced depth of a 2-second Tumblr gif.
Mark Hamill, who reportedly made over a million dollars for Star Wars: The Force Awakens despite (spoiler!) not having any lines in the movie, was once a far more desperate actor. In fact, just a few months before he appeared in 1977's Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope (which at the time, of course, was just called Star Wars), he was in something that genuinely looks like the worst TV movie ever. In The City, he played, according to Everything is Terrible, "an unpredictable psychotic who seeks revenge on a famous country singer that punched him in the face when he was a baby!"
Just like women, men are subject to sexist expectations about how they should treat the opposite sex, and what it means to be "masculine." From being teased for playing with dolls to being asked who the man is in their relationships, men hear a lot of comments over a lifetime that reinforce harmful stereotypes. These expectations do no good for anybody, except for making for a good video.
First, Miss Colombia was crowned Miss Universe (for like a second), and then the title was given to Miss Phillippines. Is it too late for one more quick do-over? Amy Schumer deserves the title for the hilarious selfie she posted during the broadcast. This is, after all, her year.
Schumer posted an Instagram selfie wearing no makeup, some classic grandpa-style glasses, a beanie, ear buds, a hoodie, and a puffy winter jacket. She's making a relaxed facial expression that is pretty much the opposite of the posed smiles the pageant contestants have been developing for years (which is kind of upsetting to think about). And she wrote in the caption, "So nervous. I'm up next. #missuniverse."
https://www.instagram.com/p/_iSZVIKUKP/
The photo has more than 150,000 likes, which is currently more than Miss Colombia's Instagram response to Steve Harvey's 100% fuck-up. That means Schumer is at least first runner-up, right?
Boston Dynamics is a company that makes incredible robots along with top notch holiday video greeting cards. Their YouTube channel is a playground for robotics nerds and regular people alike, showcasing mind-boggling creations that border on Hogwartsian wizardry. (Don't confuse them with these metal morons.)
Their holiday video features robot reindeer who will not only one day rule Christmas but will surely rule us all. There's also a lady aboard the sleigh, who is probably a direct descendent of the real Santa. Santa exists, right? RIGHT???
Anyway, here's to the rise of the machines as long as they have holiday cheer!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RDZu04v7_hc
In case you've eaten too much this holiday season, perhaps this marvelous creation by Boston Dynamics will inspire you to get up off your lazy butt:
A 7-year-old girl from Old Bridge, New Jersey, called 911 in a panic after she knocked over her Elf on the Shelf. The girl, Isabelle LaPeruta, was terrified she had ruined Christmas, as she thought the elf would lose its magic after she accidentally knocked it down with a ball.
Here's a video with transcription of the conversation between poor Isabelle and the 911 operator:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QkS3MTno5pw
She eventually realizes that calling 911 was probably a bigger mistake than knocking down the elf. Or, perhaps she fears that police involvement would draw further attention to the accident and get a report sent to the North Pole.
The police are required to visit a home if a child calls 911. Isabelle's mother, Lynanne LaPeruta, had been upstairs taking a nap and awoke to Isabelle trying to quietly dismiss the police from the front porch. The responding officer had the pleasure of radioing back to headquarters with news on why the emergency call was placed:
Isabella apologized. She touched the Elf on a Shelf. She won't call 911 again.
Old Bridge Police Lt. Joseph Mandola was also understanding about the incident:
To her, it was an emergency when she touched the elf, and she's going to ruin Christmas, so that was her emergency. In her mind, she did right, and it was fine with us.
Everyone can now agree that Elf on the Shelf has gone too far as a cultural phenomenon. People pose as the elf for hire, pose their baby as the elf, and now kids are so afraid of it that they deem it an emergency if it's moved. Perhaps it's time for the elves to permanently live in a box in the basement or attic.
Billy Corgan of the Smashing Pumpkins has a new baby, and he didn't want to name his son something boring and obvious like an Instagram filter. Instead, he followed in the celebrity tradition of choosing a name that's unique and potentially traumatizing (let's hope not, but still, it is tradition).
According to People, Corgan's baby, born November 16, is named...Augustus Juppiter. There are two ps in Juppiter to differentiate him from other Jupiters in his class.
Probably a cool dad, just guessing.
Hopefully, Corgan will also soon be partaking in the celebrity custom of festivebabyphotos.
It's the most wonderful, stressful time of the year; last minute shopping, crowds, and spending time with your extended family can all make you want to scream out obscenities—but you can't, because you're at grandma's house, and she's fragile. So what better gift for yourself or the potty-mouthed ones you love than The Sweary Coloring Book? Artist Sarah Bigwood of Chelmsford, England, fancifully drew 20 of her favorite curse words.
Your Mom can't wait to hang this on her fridge!
Oh, and she's British so the curse words are extra fancy.
Straight outta Downton Abby with this sh*t!
You can buy an adult coloring book for around $15.00 or get a marker and graffiti "Knob Cheese" on Grandma's walls for free.
Around the holidays it can be hard being single, and the temptation to sign on to a dating app is high. Well, here's a deterrent: yesterday, Redditor me_llamo_greg asked, "What is your Tinder horror story?" and people really delivered with some juicy tidbits. In some ways, it was more terrifying than the answers to "What do you not f*** with?" After reading these stories, you might decide to remain single the rest of your life. Or you'll really want to try it out, if you're the adventurous sort. Just remember that these are only the horror stories people actually lived to tell!
1. The dangers of looking TOO much like your profile pic.
2. The man who waved the proverbial red flag.
3. The one that got away.
4. The hookup that kept on giving.
5. ALWAYS USE SOMETHING WITH A FLARED BASE.
6. You don't make friends with salad.
7. The last dating dance.
8. Someone with very long-term dating goals.
9. A date where things escalated quickly.
10. The pre-honeymoon.
11. "Let's make a 'joint decision' for you to leave me alone."
A young woman named Maigan Kennedy says she was harassed with anti-Muslim hate speech in Cameron Village, North Carolina last week for wearing a scarf on her head—and she isn't even Muslim, she just wore a scarf because it was raining (though that gauzy scarf couldn't have provided much protection). Kennedy decided not to tell the person who harassed her that she wasn't Muslim, however. "I didn't want to confirm his argument that being Muslim is somehow wrong," Kennedy wrote. "I also didn't want the scene to escalate by engaging in a verbal (or, heaven forbid, physical) fight with him." Instead, she went with a perfect, two-word response.
Went shopping in Cameron Village before going to the theatre tonight. It was raining and I had straightened my hair, so I pulled part of my infinity scarf over my head (I'm vain). Walking by one of the bars, I passed a man who scoffed loudly and called after me, "Fuc*in' Muslims." I whipped around to confront him, but I saw the smug look on his face. He wanted a fight. I didn't want to argue his claim that I might be Muslim (though I am not), because I didn't want to confirm his argument that being Muslim is somehow wrong. I also didn't want the scene to escalate by engaging in a verbal (or, heaven forbid, physical) fight with him. I smiled politely and said, "Merry Christmas," then continued walking to my car, because I opted to fight willful ignorance with kindness. My heart goes out to the Muslim men and women who experience this kind of hatred and bigotry on a daily basis. #muslimsarenotterrorists
"ISIS IS GREAT!" she screamed, while still probably wondering if her o-face was weird.
Police in Brown Deer, Wisconsin just told the woman to call back if they heard ISIS sex chants again, and Police Chief Michael Kass said that the elderly woman, “may be taking see something, say something a little too far.”
Really blows your pedestrian "HAIL SATAN" orgasms out of the water, doesn't it?
Well, Merry Christmas from two of the entertainment industry's most attractive mother-daughter pairs. Even though Melanie Griffith has embarrassed her daughter Dakota Johnson on the red carpet over her 50 Shades of Grey spanking scenes, they apparently still enjoy each other's company. Today, Griffith threw up an Instagram post of them bein' all snuggly and joyful. And there's some surprise guest appearances: Goldie Hawn and Kate Hudson! Aspen truly is magical this time of year, as Mariah Carey has already pointed out.
https://www.instagram.com/p/_nSDfKgE_L/
And here's a post from Kate Hudson, where she's wandering a wintry landscape with Hawn, Johnson and a gaggle of almost identical white ladies with really well-styled hair:
Amy Poehler and Kyle Mooney play two bizarre, darkly passive-aggressive siblings who find common ground in this surreal-yet-relatable sketch about Christmas at Nana's house that was cut for time from this past weekend's SNL, co-hosted by Poehler and Tina Fey. This happens to be a video, rather than a live sketch, but it's worth mentioning that the SNL cast does a full dress rehearsal at 8pm on the night of every show, which is about 30 minutes longer than the show that goes on at 11:30. Just because a sketch gets cut doesn't mean it's weak—often it may be a comedy writer's favorite, but it's just too weird for a national TV audience. This is one of those. Merry Christmas.
