In honor of Austin Swift's 24th birthday on March 11, Taylor Swift posted a photo on Instagram of the two of them as little kids, laughing as they foresee Taylor's future as an icon and Austin's as an aspiring actor and accomplished Kanye-beefer. They're young children in this picture, meaning their laughing faces are probably expressing nothing save for innocent happiness—but there's a tiny, tiny chance there's some satisfaction at what's in store for them hidden in those gleeful smiles.
I feel like we achieved our goal of looking like we're in a new primetime drama series called Family Secrets.
Aside from the throwback photo and Instagram shout-out to her 69.1 million followers (!!), Swift must've given her brother something else, maybe like a good old homemade cake. You're never too famous for homemade cake.
The much beloved 19-year-old singer and actress Zendaya became the target of comedian and Difficult People star Julie Klausner after simply making a public appearance at Nickelodeon's Kids' Choice Awards. On March 12, Zendaya—who is outspokenly body positive—attended the awards show, where she won Favorite Female TV Star for K.C. Undercover.
Zendaya proudly holding her orange blimp.
According to Us Weekly, Zendaya used her acceptance speech to thank the audience for the award and the opportunity it would allow her to connect with kids.
I just want you to know that doing and making positive programming for young people is so important to me, and I will keep doing it. To all the parents out there, thank you for allowing me to be a role model for your children.
37-year-old Klausner was not okay with this speech, since she's not okay with Zendaya as a role model. This has something to do with how Zendaya looks.
She began her Twitter-rant with a response to a Hollywood Reporter headline that reads, "@Zendaya Thanks Parents for 'Allowing Me to Be a Role Model for your Children.'"
Klasuner's tweets for some reason referenced the year-old saga of Zendaya's hair, when Fashion Police host Giuliana Rancic made racist comments about her dreadlocks. In response to the three tweets, Zendaya sent out two messages:
https://twitter.com/Zendaya/status/709027742293970944https://twitter.com/Zendaya/status/709029343805050880Ultimate shade is taking the high road.
But Klausner still didn't appreciate the positive message, and kept tweeting.
https://twitter.com/julieklausner/status/709037226655653888https://twitter.com/julieklausner/status/709037559708590081https://twitter.com/julieklausner/status/709037842513657856https://twitter.com/julieklausner/status/709038377014796292Klausner, fearless of Internet scorn.
Klausner couldn't refrain from responding to Zendaya's supporters after the starlet let the comedian's comments go.
In a deleted scene from this week's episode of I Am Cait, Caitlyn Jenner stripped down nearly nude and got into a bubble bath to make a video for her ex Kris Jenner's birthday. As Cait explains, while her friend Candis Cayne films her sitting in the tub, Kris had made a music video 30 years ago called "I Love My Friends" (of course she did) for her own 30th birthday, and that for Kris' 60th birthday, "the girls" (the Kardashians, not someone's breasts) were recreating the video for her. And Caitlyn got the bubble bath scene.
Here's the actual video, in case you're interested (and who wouldn't be?). The song and video are both reminiscent of Randy Newman's "I Love LA," which had come out three years earlier, in 1983.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IMmw93q-IvU
Hey, Kris Jenner loves her friends. And if this birthday video remake is any indication, her friends love her right back.
On Saturday, Jessica Simpson shared an almost NSFW date night photo on Instagram. In the photo, Simpson touches tongues with husband Eric Johnson while the singer clutches her boob. The pair were on a dinner date somewhere fancy in Los Angeles, so presumably they wanted to capture the moment in an unusually steamy way. Simpson captioned the photo with the words “DATE NIGHT” and a red lips emoji.
Cara Delevingne shocked fans when she dropped out of the fashion world in the summer of 2015. Last Wednesday, the bold-browed beauty went into detail as to why she ditched modeling and turned to acting.
In a blog post on Motto, Delevingne’s reason was simple: modeling didn’t make her truly happy. "I was nearly 20 and had been modeling for several years," she said. "My vantage point had changed… and I had changed. I knew I had to reevaluate my life and my goals for my future.”
Even when things are bleak, your eyebrows are always on fleek.
For Delevingne, she claims that career, in general, is “not the most important” part of life. "Yes, your career is very important—but it's not the most important. Of course I was proud of my accomplishments, but I wasn't genuinely happy,” she said.
The 23-year-old also expressed that she "didn't want to resent fashion or my success." She added, "the process didn't happen overnight, but it was imperative for me to preserve my integrity.”
"Over time, I came to realize that work and getting others' approval isn't the most important thing."
When you climb the ladder to success, make sure you take a selfie.
At 16, Delevingne was the face of your mom’s favorite designer handbags: Chanel and Burberry. Last year, she was named Model of the Year at the British Fashion Awards.
In 2015, she launched her acting career with Paper Towns and at the same time, may have ended the careers of these troll interviewers. Delevingne will star as the Enchantress in the highly-anticipated Suicide Squad.
On March 11, pop star Ariana Grande gave an interview with Carson Daly and joined the ranks of so many other celebrities (including Lorde, Lady Gaga, and Lena Dunham) by giving her take on the whole Kesha/Dr. Luke scandal.
In the interview, Grande voiced her unequivocal support of Kesha. She started off by saying that she loves Kesha, and actually worked a lot with her when she was younger. She went on to say:
The incredible double standards that we [women] face on a daily basis, in the industry and just in the world – it’s shocking. I would be so amused—and pardon me if this comes across as sexist—but I don’t think a male artist would be in this position right now. Sorry. If I’m speaking out about something that I’m passionate about, I’m willing to take the brunt for fighting for what I believe in. And my fellow women are definitely something that I will always be one of the first to speak up about.
As of right now, it seems up in the air whether or not Sony will drop producer Dr. Luke from the label over Kesha's claims of sexual assault and the petition demanding Sony end their working relationship with him. Either way, a lot of the music business clearly already has.
Notorious fact-checker and space enthusiast Neil deGrasse Tyson has received a torrent of blowback following a tweet. Tyson called into doubt the existence of any species for which sexual intercourse is painful.
Wired even responded with an article listing several animal species whose horrifying sex lives are anything but Marvin Gaye records or a session of sensual grape-feeding (even humans made the list).
Just read their traumatic description of anglerfish mating.
Anglerfish males fuse their faces to females’ bodies and they live the rest of their lives like that, stuck together while they release sperm and eggs at the same time.
Whoa. Sorry, Neil. That does not sound like pleasure (by most people's standards, at least).
The Academy of Motion Pictures Arts & Sciences swore to Varietythat they were good for the $65,000 promised to Inglewood's Girl Scout Troop 5215 at this year's Oscars ceremony. Despite reports alleging they'd duped the children for a publicity stunt, a spokesperson from the Academy said they'd cough up the donation soon, likely afraid that the Girl Scouts would come break their legs otherwise.
Of course we have every intention of honoring our commitment to the Girl Scouts. They were such a highlight, and we were happy to have them.
This quote comes in response to TMZ's report that Latoya Edwards, a mother of one of the Girl Scouts, said the Academy had left them in the dark and not paid a dime of the $65,000 pledge. Ms. Edwards went on to claim that due to non-profit rules, Troop 5215 would only receive $1,000, with the rest of the donation going to the "Greater L.A. council."
A representative from the Girl Scouts of America told Peoplethey were honored by the Academy's altruism, presumably while putting away a lead pipe intended for Chris Rock's knees.
Girl Scouts is extremely honored and grateful for the generosity of the Academy and celebrities at the Oscars, which will benefit our mission of building girls of courage, confidence, and character.
Variety speculated the reason behind the delay could be that "billing and payments on a complicated telecast like the Academy Awards take time, and it’s been less than two weeks since the broadcast," which sounds pretty reasonable.
But the Girl Scouts of America aren't in the business of reason, they're in the lethal business of Samoas, Tagalongs, and Thin Mints. When you're in debt to them, you pay it off or you prepare to be looking over your shoulder for the rest of your life to avoid sleeping with the fishes they canoe over on their annual camping trip.
Watch unaired footage of Troop 5215 slinging cookies at this year's Oscars below.
Encryption is more than just keeping dick pics password protected. The current Apple vs. FBI drama is even bigger than Candy Crush, and while Apple's refusal to comply with the government seems tough to defend, John Oliver explained how, unlike iPhones, it's not so black-and-white (or rose gold).
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zsjZ2r9Ygzw
Oliver explains the FBI's request to basically make a master key that could open any phone, which could quickly decline into a doomsday scenario of having even less privacy than currently exists under the NSA.
As only he could, Oliver manages to make this iPocalypse entertaining, by comparing governments to horny teenagers in eighties comedies. He even throws in a more-honest Apple commercial at the end.
Oh, hey, did you know that Kim Kardashian posted a nude-but-censored selfie of herself on Instagram last week? Of course you did, you don't live under a rock (apologies to any under-rock livers). Are you sick of it yet? Well, just in case you're not (and even if you are), there's more news about it: street artist Lush Sux has painted a 30-foot-tall mural of the infamous picture on a wall in Melbourne, Australia.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BC2TorwieQ3/
Apparently Lush Sux, whose Instagram bio reads: "Social media activist, vegan, intersectional feminist, bachelor of gender studies, wealthy industrialist and philanthropist," is looking to paint more murals like the Kim Kardashian one; the artist (or art collective?) posted a request for nudes on Instagram.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BC4GoooiecD/
The caption on the request explains: "Think of it as posing nude for a painting but not having to stand in a semi homeless French artists studio for hours. Also that it will most likely be painted two stories tall and in public in all its glory. Direct message for details."
Lush Sux has also claimed responsibility for this non-nude (dear god, thank you) mural of Donald Trump.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BC6miV6CeUk/
And, of course, the Kim Kardashian nude selfie mural comes with its own mini-scandal: according to 3AW Radio, a local woman is upset with the painting because nobody asked permission to paint it.
Who is this woman? Does she own the street? Does she not understand how street art works? Why does she hate Kim Kardashian's freedom of expression? Is she Banksy? So many questions, so few answers.
On Sunday, Kirstie Alley took to Twitter to discuss how she would run the country as president of the United States. This is what we know about the potential candidate: she is best known for acting, and she replaced Shelley Long in the beloved Cheers. She has also been a Jenny Craig spokesperson and is an Operating Thetan Level 7 Scientologist. Here's what she'd do as commander-in-chief:
World peace and free health care for vets are outstanding platforms, but it's not clear what prompted Alley to speculate what she'd do as president. Just before her political rant, she devoted most of her tweets to trying to help find lost dogs:
After spending what they told KFOR was "hundreds" on tickets for a performance of Disney's "Frozen On Ice," two Utah women were removed mid-way through the show. Kandra Pearson and Andrea Bedke were reportedly distracting viewers from enjoying the ice skating adaptation of the inanely popular Frozen film. Pearson and Bedke weren't wasted or heckling the show—which is what one would assume would be the cause of grown adults being asked to leave a performance. Instead, staff asked the women to leave because they looked too good.
Identity thieves.
Frank Zang, a spokesman for the company that owns the Salt Lake City arena where the performance was held, explained the removal to KFOR.
Their costumes and characters were so real that they disrupted the live performance due to the volume of other patrons seeking to take photographs. Multiple requests were made by the 'Disney on Ice' production for them to stop posing for pictures during the show. At intermission, guest services staff asked them to leave the arena to prevent further disturbances.... It was unfortunate that they became too popular among the fans.
As an apology, arena staff refunded the women and gave them two tickets to a Utah Jazz game. That doesn't sound like a fair trade in the least.
"We weren't doing anything disorderly," Pearson said in response to her popularity at the show. "We were customers simply trying to enjoy a Disney show."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=31EZBnlytO4
It's a shame the women didn't get to see the show they were clearly very excited for. Now, though, they've discovered a second career as Frozen impersonators.
On March 10, Florida resident Carlos Adonis Ramos-Erazo, 24, was driving 75 mph in a 55 mph zone on U.S. Highway 27, but for what he claims was a good reason—desperately trying to get home to use the bathroom. And of course he got pulled over for speeding, because, hey, Murphy's Law.
Due to the nature of his problem, Ramos-Erazo apparently refused to get out of his car when the police officer asked him to and instead drove off, hitting the deputy's arm with his car in the process. The cops chased him to his home, and when he got out of his car and started racing towards his house, they shot him with a Taser gun. Into the back of the cop car he went, where he finally gave into the call of nature, and urinated and defecated in the cops' car. Hey, he warned them it was dire situation.
According to the Daily Commercial, Ramos-Erazo was charged with fleeing, battery on a law enforcement officer, aggravated assault with a motor vehicle on a law enforcement officer, and resisting with and without violence. He was finally allowed to go home to his own bathroom after posting his $18,000 bail.
It's an urban myth in the making, one that parents can tell their kids about for years to come, to make sure they use the toilet before a long trip. "You don't want mommy getting arrested just because you wouldn't use the potty like a big boy, now do you, Timmy?"
And for adults, let this be a lesson to you all—always, always, always use the bathroom before getting into your car. Or, you know, there are always diapers.
March 14th, a glorious date numerically represented as 3.14, is Pi Day. It is a sweet holiday to marvel at a mathematical constant and pun on how "pi" is like "pie." Twitter is celebrating this delicious, somewhat irrational holiday with some fresh, sweet tweets—topical tweets being the other true constant in this circle of life.
5. Hillary Clinton, because she had to do some serious backpedaling about the Reagans.
Clinton making her "What did I do now?" face.
Hillary Clinton is being forced to recant her statements once again. She's put her foot in her mouth so many times, she should start wearing mint-flavored shoes. (That was a deliberate dad joke, because this story is kind of a bummer.)
Clinton was speaking with MSNBC's Andrea Mitchell during Nancy Reagan's funeral on Friday when she made the following comments about Mrs. Reagan and her husband:
It may be hard for your viewers to remember how difficult it was for people to talk about H.I.V./AIDS back in the 1980s. And because of both President and Mrs. Reagan – in particular, Mrs. Reagan – we started a national conversation, when before nobody would talk about it. Nobody wanted anything to do with it.
Immediately, the Internet called BS. The Reagans have both been widely criticized, both at the time and since Nancy's death, with ignoring the AIDS crisis during its height. President Reagan didn't mention HIV or AIDS until 1985, and didn't give a speech about it until 1987, when as many as 40,000 victims had already died. Meanwhile, advocacy groups had been calling on Reagan to weigh in since the disease was diagnosed in 1981.
After Clinton's statements, many were outraged. LGBT rights groups like the Human Rights Campaign were pressured to revoke their endorsement of the Democratic front-runner. Sensing the danger with her well-honed self-preservation instincts, she reflexively issued a retraction.
Another crisis narrowly averted. It's a good thing she was able to clarify her nuanced position on gay rights and public health before it damaged her too much. Meanwhile, the Republican candidates ignored the issued to keep talking about each other's penises.
4. Ashy Larry from Chappelle's Show, because he got into an ugly brawl over a breakfast tab.
He's still got some Marcy Projects in him.
Comedian Donnell Rawlings, beloved to fans of Chappelle's Show for his role as Ashy Larry, damaged some of that credibility on Sunday by throwing punches outside Little Pete's Restaurant in Philadelphia.
Rawlings told TMZ that he walked outside to smoke, and was followed by a waitress who assumed he was going to dine and dash, and began screaming at him. Other employees got involved, and soon, this ashy powderkeg of a situation exploded. The ugly incident was caught on video:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BOCvLFCAE-0
While Rawlings still insists he was going to pay, the staff at Little Pete's claims he was drunk, and made it clear he had no intention of forking over the $12 for his breakfast. But after the police came, he did pay, and left a $60 tip for the trouble.
In case this story left a bitter taste in your mouth, here's a taste of Rawlings in his glory days:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DAZWbuoncfQ
3. Richard Simmons, because he had to explain he's not a hostage.
He's even dressed like a prisoner.
Speaking of celebrities who've fallen off the face of the Earth, here's a particularly sad example. When you think of fitness guru Richard Simmons, you may wonder, "Where is he now?" The answer is: he's at home. But the subject of why he's home has become surprisingly controversial in the past few days.
On Saturday, an article in the New York Daily News indicated that Simmons's close friends have lost contact with him, and are worried that his long-time housekeeper, Teresa Reveles, has taken control of his life. The Daily News article described some truly terrifying interactions Simmons had with friends shortly before he stopped talking to them and disappeared from public life, in 2013. Since then, he has not been seen outside his Hollywood Hills home.
You forgot how much you missed him.
On Monday, Simmons called in to the Today show to clarify that he is a free man. He explained, "No one is holding me in my house as a hostage…I do what I want to do as I've always done." However, this denial is not likely to convince many people, because it's exactly what a hostage would say.
Whatever is going on, here's hoping Simmons returns to the public eye soon. He's better off sweating to the oldies than sweating in fear. And with America's obesity epidemic, his high-energy frenetic workouts are needed now more than ever.
2. Matt LeBlanc, because he angered the British by burning rubber near a war memorial.
He's losing Friends by the minute.
Matt LeBlanc, the TV star well-known for his roles in Episodes and Joey (a character he developed in an obscure previous show called Friends) is back on the small screen. He's one of the new hosts of Top Gear, the mega-popular UK car show.
Anyone who's seen Top Gear knows that the show relies heavily on stunts involving flashy cars in public. Ironically, that's exactly what has gotten LeBlanc in trouble. Over the weekend, he was filmed for the show noisily doing wheelspins in London. The problem is that he was right by the Cenotaph, the UK's primary war memorial, and the center of Remembrance Day services.
Considering that he's a foreigner who's taken over one of the country's most beloved programmes (forgive the spelling), the incident was controversial to say the least. UK Veterans are urging the BBC not to air the footage, although Top Gear producers claim they weren't actually that close to the memorial, which is a pretty lame defense.
It's too bad Matt LeBlanc is causing further controversy to a show that's already had its share. The producers probably thought hiring Joey was the safest move they could make, but they underestimated just what a dope he is. Open your eyes, people! It was never a character!
1. Taylor Swift, because a crazy home invader thinks she's his wife.
This is a surefire way to get bad blood.
Taylor Swift is a groundbreaking star in many ways. And she's just added a new accomplishment to her resume: inspiring a stalker to break into someone else's home. That's unprecedented!
Police in Nashville, Tennessee arrested Paul Herrin, a 26-year-old Knoxville resident, after he attempted to break into a stranger's house. The homeowner answered a knock on his door only to find Herrin insisting that he was there to "save Taylor Swift, his wife, and that he had every right to search the residence."
He's not even in the Squad.
Herrin attempted to force the door open, but the homeowner was eventually able to close it before the crazed Swiftie could enter. The man called the police, who found Herrin in the backyard, trying to get in through another door.
Herrin was arrested and charged with aggravated burglary. He is being held on $30,000 bond, which actually provides a good opportunity for him to prove his story. If Swift really is his wife, paying 30 grand should be no problem. Explaining it to Calvin Harris, however, would be a challenge.
