Remember how your grandparents used to send sweet, beautiful love letters back and forth to each other when they were dating? Skype sex is pretty much the 21st century version of that. Instead of writing heartfelt messages and waxing poetic about love, you can just cut to the chase by masturbating at your partner over a grainy internet connection. Isn't love grand? However, having Skype sex might seem a bit complicated to novices, so here is a handy how-to guide that can help you have the best experience possible.
1. Set the scene.
Remove all extraneous random stuff from the background of the shot. Stuffed animals that you are definitely way too old to have? Shove 'em in the closet. That mountain of unfinished paperwork you sleep beside every night when your partner is away? Toss it on the desk. Your cat that will inevitably step all over your keyboard right when things get hot and heavy? Put it outside. Maybe even make things extra special by lighting a few candles and placing them around. Even if scented candles usually give your partner a headache, who cares? They can't smell 'em in cyberspace.
2. Put on something sexy that you will probably take off in two seconds.
Now that you've set the scene, it is time to get yourself ready for some hot, pixilated mutual masturbation over a computer screen. Look through your drawers to find your sexiest lingerie. Or just take that oversized tee-shirt you're already wearing, turn it inside out to hide the logos, and tie it into some kind of bra or something. Your partner will never be able to tell the difference over the horrific graininess of your poor internet connection. On that note, if you wear makeup, you also want to really slather it on. That way your partner can distinguish your facial features all the way from whatever La Quinta Inn they're having that company conference in.
3. Spend the next 3-7 minutes saying "Is this working?"
Also acceptable:
-Can you hear me?
-I can hear you but I can't see you.
-Wait, let me start over.
-Hello? Hello?? Hi!!
-Wait, lost ya.
-Uuuuuggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Or get creative and make up your own sexy way of complaining about Skype not working! Just think of it as foreplay ;););).
4. Do the damn thing.
If you managed not to give up by this point, congrats! You can now have Skype sex. You're going to want to find the perfect angle for your computer—something that shows your partner your naughty bits and your face, but also hides your fat rolls. Basically, lay like 2-4 feet away from your computer and masturbate, no matter how freaking uncomfortable it makes you. And here's an important point: Skype sex is usually really uncomfortable and freaking weird, but lean into it! Pretend it is pleasurable! Don't make it look like you are wondering if you forgot to lock the door the whole time, even though that's probably what you are thinking.
Pro tip: When your screensaver inevitably turns on multiple times throughout the Skype call, don't break the mood by sitting up to turn it off. Hit that sucker with your foot and keep on truckin'.
5. Make eye contact.
Where should you look while having Skype sex? Good question. You are going to want to look at yourself the whole time just because we're all narcissists by nature, but try to make eye contact. Well, lens contact. Look at the little dot that is the lens. But then glance down at your partner. Then back up at the lens. Then subtly check yourself out real quick in that little window that has you on it. But not too long! Now lens. Partner. Lens. Self. Quick! Look at the door when you hear your roommate moving around in the kitchen. Play it cool, you locked the door. Right? You totally locked the door. Oh god.
6. Orgasm pretty, if you even orgasm at all.
Like a porn actress or Mila Kunis.
7. Be paranoid
Now that you're done Skype sexing, be prepared for hours to weeks of paranoia, worrying that your private session somehow was recorded and is now being shopped around to multiple porn cites under a title like "Average couple have sad, unsatisfying masturbation session over internet ARMATURE HOT." Consider for a moment what you would tell your family if this hypothetical video were ever discovered. Call your partner multiple times, reiterating the question "And you are 100% sure that there is NO WAY that it could have been saved anywhere?" Wonder just for a moment if the government has tapped your computer ,and now your sad attempt at being sexy is in the hands of the FBI or something. Then (try to) go about your business.
8. Jump your partner's bones the next time you see them IRL.
You both endured something that was not ideal while it was happening, but brought you much closer together in the end. Celebrate by having real, actual sex.