1. Much Anticipated Trailer For The Much Anticipated Trailer For The Much Anticipated New '50 Shades Of Grey' Movie Hits The Internet
A teaser trailer for the full-length trailer for the upcoming film adaptation of E.L. James's 50 Shades of Grey was just released onto the Internet (via Beyoncé's Instragram account, for reasons that make as much sense as anything else in this story). The actual trailer for the actual movie that's scheduled to be released in February is scheduled to be released on Thursday.
Book Pitch: 50 Shades of Grey, but with vampires.
— Gladstone (@WGladstone) March 1, 2014
2. God Crazy Excited He Finally Gets To Meet 'Rockford Files' Star James Garner!
The Almighty Creator of Heaven and Earth, like most reasonable entities old enough to appreciate it, was a huge fan of the long-running '70s-era PI comedy-drama The Rockford Files, as well as its preternaturally charming star James Garner. So, we can only imagine how excited He must be to finally get His chance to meet the 86-year-old Hollywood icon after Garner passed through St. Peter's Gates last night. Now He has pretty much the entire cast of The Great Escape!
And now a word from Polaroid:
I'm glad we got James Garner on film so future men can see how men's eyes are supposed to twinkle.
— LBJohnson (@ladybirdj) July 20, 2014
3. Have You Seen A 59-Foot Rubber Ducky? It Was Just Floating In This Chinese River A Few Days Ago
A 59-foot rubber duck sculpture by Dutch artist Florentijn Hofman was washed away from its mooring point on China's Nanming River earlier this week following several days of extremely heavy rain. Local radio stations are urging Chinese citizens to keep an eye out for the massive bright yellow, missing inflatable, asking, "If you live along the river and see an 18-meter tall big yellow duck, please call 5961027."
In other omens; 1-ton rubber duck, designed by Dutch artist to unite world's peoples, vanishes in Chinese flood http://t.co/GGiBSAxZap
— Elif Batuman (@BananaKarenina) July 20, 2014
4. Super Hot Dude From That Band Your Little Sister Likes A Lot Just Got Married, Which Is Probably Why She's Been Crying Recently
Adam Levine has reportedly married his latest supermodel girlfriend, professional Victoria's Secret sexy-underwear-wearer Behati Prinsloo, over the weekend in Los Cabos, Mexico. Our condolences to all the delusional junior high students to whom this surely comes as a crushing disappointment. Hopefully they can write some poetry about it and feel better.
Congrats to Adam Levine and the woman he'll divorce next year
— Eli Braden (@EliBraden) July 20, 2014
5. R.J. Reynolds Ordered To Pay Cancer Victim's Widow's $23.6 Billion — Or, To Put It Another Way, Enough Money For A Year's Worth Of Cigarettes
The widow of a man who died of lung cancer after strong arms from the R. J. Reynolds Tobacco Company held him down and forced him to inhale the smoke from hundreds of thousands of cigarettes over the course of his 36-year life (or so I'm assuming) was awarded $23.6 billion dollars from a Florida jury.
$23.6 billion for widow of smoker! What an incentive to smoke! Don't buy life insurance, just smoke for the kids.http://t.co/m8J7MbqrBx
— Bryan Appleyard (@BryanAppleyard) July 20, 2014
(by Dennis DiClaudio)