LG: Phones so light and small you can fit two in your ass!
I don't know how nervous a person usually looks when they are using their colon as a toolbox, but this time it was enough to cause an investigation at the local prison in Ribeirao das Neves, Brazil.
André Silva de Jesus, 35, was attempting to visit the prison with a literal buttload of items, presumably for a friend on the inside, when he was stopped for "looking nervous." Prison guards did a thorough search and found the following items lodged up Jesus's butthole:
- Two cell phones
- Two batteries
- One pair of pliers
- Two drill bits
- Eight small hacksaws
- Five nails
- Three sim cards
Who the hell came up with that shopping list? That's a lot of stuff.
I'm no handyman, but I'm going to assume the pliers were used to ply the cheeks wide enough to get all the other items inside, and then Jesus decided to keep them in there in case he needed help getting everything out.
Not that I'm impressed, but I'm kinda impressed. I could probably only get one cell phone in my butthole tops. Maybe two. But definitely not the rest of that stuff. And for sure I wouldn't put hacksaws or nails in there -- nothing that was designed to shred or pierce, thanks. Maybe I'm just not believing in myself.
Apparently, Jesus was pretty far along the security process when he got caught. He managed to avoid his haul being detected by x-ray by claiming that he had a pacemaker, although officials are still disturbed he got as far as he did. The prison director has promised to determine exactly what happened by "opening an internal procedure."
Indeed.
Hopefully, he kept a complete list of everything in there, because sometimes when shoving things inside yourself, a person can forget.
(by Myka Fox)