5. Prince George of Cambridge, who just found out he'll have a younger sibling and potential rival to the throne.
(via Getty Images)
He's had a year to enjoy the perks of being an only child, but Kate Middleton and Prince William just announced that they have another baby on the way. This means that not only will Georgie have to share his royal toys, but since his younger sibling will likely see him as nothing but a speed-bump to inheriting the throne, George will have to spend the rest of his life sleeping with one eye open to make sure the kid doesn't try and take a shortcut to greatness. Hopefully he bones up on his Shakespeare and doubles up the Royal Guard on duty around his crib.
.
4. Gun nuts who love sandwiches.
(via Getty Images)
Panera Bread just joined the ranks of chain restaurants that would prefer their customers not possess the ability to murder lots of people real fast. The chain issued a statement asking that "guns not be brought into this environment unless carried by an authorized law enforcement officer." Those who believe our founding fathers wanted a free people to have the right to protect themselves while ordering their slightly warmed chicken sandwiches will just have to hit the Subway. They're ready for you, as this bulletproof Subway shop clearly demonstrates.
.
3. Anyone who forgot to save $600 to surrender to Apple for their obligatory annual purchase.
Tomorrow, the newest iPhone will be unveiled and millions of dead-eyed Apple devotees will have no choice but to upgrade to it—but that's a given. With the debut of the iWatch, however, the Apple faithful will now have another gadget to buy every year, along with the iPhone, iPad, and Macbook. The annual Apple consumer expense should increase from around $2200 to $2800 with the new gizmo, unless it's a dud. Please, let it be a dud. We're all broke.
.
2. Anyone counting on Taylor Swift's new album to give voice to their seething, bitter, post-breakup shattered hearts.
If you decided a long time ago that you don't have to feel hurt anymore because it's easier to just let Taylor Swift feel the hurt for you, it's time to mend that broken heart by your own damn self. Swift told Rolling Stone that her new album doesn't have a track that takes aim at a former lover, because no one got close enough to break her heart recently. "In this period of my life," said Swift, "My heart was not irreparably broken. So it’s not as boycentric of an album, because my life hasn’t been boycentric." Then what the hell is she into now, model airplanes? Someone win this girl's heart and stomp all over it so her music can return to form, please.
.
1. This guy who commutes 220 miles a day, every day, including today, Monday.
Didn't get a seat on the train this morning? That damn bridge still under construction and adding 15 minutes to your drive time? Lid fall off your travel mug, staining your pants? POOR YOU! THIS GUY DRIVES 220 MILES A DAY! It involves leaving at 4 AM, riding in two cars and two trains, taking him from Richmond, VA to downtown DC to what Thurmond Alford calls his "dream job" as a program manager at the DOJ (it pays a lot). Congrats, Thurmond! You seem pretty happy, but from where the rest of us are sitting, your Monday sucked!
(by Bob Powers)