1. U.S. Air Force Refuses To Re-Hire Soldier Who Won't Pledge Loyalty To Its Sky Deity
A soldier at Creech Air Force Base in Nevada has been denied reenlistment after he refused to include the words "so help me God" from his official service oath, thus infringing upon the Air Force's constitutional right to not have to deal with a bunch of dirty, immoral atheist traitors.
I have yet to meet a baby that isn’t an atheist.
— Clarke Kant (@clarkekant) August 7, 2014
2. Bill Murray Is Hoping For The Same New Ghostbusters That We All Are
Though Bill Murray has no intention of returning to the Ghostbusters franchise, he told an interviewer whom he would like to see suit up for the upcoming all-female paranormal exterminating team: "Melissa would be a spectacular Ghostbuster. And Kristen Wiig is so funny — God, she’s funny! I like this girl Linda Cardellini a lot. And Emma Stone is funny. There are some funny girls out there."
We can only hope that the upcoming Ghostbusters 3 is half as good as The Blues Brothers 2000.
— Matt_Dwyer (@Matt_Dwyer) September 9, 2014
3. The World Will Finally Get The 'Top Gun' Sequel It Has Been Pining For Lo These Many Years
After nearly three decades, Tom Cruise and Jerry Bruckheimer are finally reuniting to give the world exactly what it wants more than anything: closure on what Maverick and Ice Man have been up to for the past thirty years. I wonder how Top Gun 2 will play out now that Don't Ask, Don't Tell has been repealed. Seems like there's all kinds of possibilities.
If you watch 'Top Gun' backwards it's about a bunch of gay dudes who fly planes backwards
— Eli Braden (@EliBraden) April 12, 2014
4. After 72 Years Of Relationship Bliss, A Couple Iowa Women Finally Decide To Ruin It All By Getting Married
After sharing a life together for more than 70 years, 91-year-old Vivian Boyack and 90-year-old Alice "Nonie" Dubes have decided to make their relationship official and stop living in sin. The two women were married over the weekend in Davenport, Iowa. It's kind of sad that they have to experience the difficulties of new marriage at their age. They'll get through it, though.
Like most little girls, I dreamed of the day I'd put a white lace bra on two cats' heads and pretend to officiate their lesbian wedding.
— Julieanne Smolinski (@BoobsRadley) March 24, 2014
5. Persistent Scientists Still Trying In Vain To Make Americans Walk A Little Bit
Researchers who just don't seem to ever get the point are recommending that Americans get up from their desks and walk just a little bit, saying that a mere five minutes of low-key exercise can counteract the harmful effects of several hours of sitting. Nice try, science, but it's not gonna work. Now why don't you get back to working on the battery for this here Hoveround?
Try to walk a mile in someone else's shoes. It'll teach them to not leave their fucking shoes out where assholes can steal them. #namaste
— Your Life Coaches (@LIFECOACHERS) September 8, 2014
(by Dennis DiClaudio)