1. Aaron Hernandez Officially Has Shittier Lawyers Than OJ Simpson
Former New England Patriots tight end Aaron Hernandez has been found guilty today of first-degree murder for the killing of Odin Lloyd in the summer of 2013 and sentenced to life in prison without the possibility of parole. Not only is this sentence is being hailed as a victory for the justice system, but it is believed to dramatically decrease the possibility of a reality show centered around the gleefully shallow family of one of the defense attorneys.
Breaking: Roger Goodell suspends Aaron Hernandez for 3 games in response to this morning's murder conviction #nfl
— Gen JC Xtian patriot (@JC_Christian) April 15, 2015
2. Female CEO Blazes New Ground In Small-Minded Misogyny For Women
Cheryl Rios, CEO of the Dallas-based Go Ape Marketing company, proved that professional women are just as capable as men at making stupid, sexist, anti-women public comments after she attacked the presidential campaign of Hillary Clinton based solely upon the number of X chromosomes she possesses. "With the hormones we have there is no way we should be able to start a war," she wrote on Facebook. "Yes, I run my own business and I love it and I am great at it BUT that is not the same as being the President, that should be left to a man, a good, strong, honorable man."
A female president would get emotional once a month and order drone strikes but a male president would do it all-year-round without emotion.
— Mark Leggett (@markleggett) April 11, 2015
3. The GOP's Predictable Mocking Of Hillary Clinton's Predictable Announcement Gets Predictably Mocked By Jon Stewart
Hillary Clinton announced her presidency, a bunch of Republicans had overblown responses to her announcement, and Jon Stewart made a bunch of funny jokes at their expense. None of this is particularly shocking. In fact, I didn't even write this post today. I wrote it two weeks ago and saved it in a document along with a post about Joe Biden being caught by a hot mic making a joke about Clinton's ironing skills.
i'm excited for hillary to run because i can't wait to see the different ways people disguise saying "i don't want a female president"
— Michelle Wolf (@michelleisawolf) April 4, 2015
4. Hypothetical Female Time Travelers Less Likely To Make-Believe Kill Hitler Than Hypothetical Male Time Travelers
Women are much less likely than men to murder Adolf Hitler in his sleep, according to a social psychology study from a student at Wilfrid Laurier University. Well, technically speaking, both groups have something extremely close to a zero percent chance of killing Hitler in his sleep. Women are simply more conflicted about the hypothetical possibility of it.
*Finishes time machine* ok, to kill Hitler, but first a quick stop to 1989 to buy all the Dunkaroos
— a Goob (@glu_ben) March 30, 2015
5. 'Rocky Horror Picture Show' Remake Aims To Leave A Whole New Generation Of Weirdos And Outcasts Shivering With Antici...
Fox is preparing to remake the not-particularly-well-made-the-first-time-around cult midnight classic Rocky Horror Picture Show as a television movie. I'm assuming this will later be spun out into a multi-film expanded Rocky Horror universe with each character receiving his or her own standalone film. No word yet on who will provide the voice of the anthropomorphic vibrating dildo president of the planet Transsexual, in the galaxy of Transylvania, for the series. I'm pulling for Sir Ian McKellen.
I'm sure a remade Rocky Horror Picture Show is going to satisfy everyone while retaining it's counter-cultural appeal. #surefire
— J. Elvis Weinstein (@JElvisWeinstein) April 10, 2015