5. Jon Stewart, because he doesn't enjoy 'The Daily Show' anymore.
Eviscerating has lost its charm.(Getty)
If you aren't as into The Daily Show as you were 5 or 10 years ago, guess what? Jon Stewart agrees with you. In a new profile in The Guardian, Stewart explained his reasons for retiring from the show after 16 years, saying:
“It's not like I thought the show wasn't working any more, or that I didn't know how to do it. It was more, 'Yup, it's working. But I'm not getting the same satisfaction.'"
The sentiment is very similar to David Letterman's announcement of his own retirement, when he explained how he spent a whole work day caring more about identifying a bird than anything to do with his TV show. I guess it's just a reality of being a talk show host: no matter how well-respected you are or how much you love it, after a certain point it becomes routine. That's when it's time to hand the reins to a new generation so they can get sick of it.
4. A passenger who was kicked off a Southwest Airlines flight for jabbing her snoring seatmate with a pen.
I'll be honest with you. When someone is snoring next to me on a flight, I'll fantasize about doing more than stabbing them with a pen. But it's just that: a fantasy. I'm enough of an adult to understand that snoring is one of the privileges you pay for when you buy a plane ticket, along with farting, whimpering at the slightest turbulence, and every other annoying thing someone can do on a plane. One woman on a flight from Chicago to New Hampshire didn't quite get that, and became so enraged at the snoring of her seatmate, Lenny "Santa" Mordarski, that she began stabbing him sharply in the arm with an uncapped pen before the plane had even taken off.
He yelped in pain, a commotion ensued, and both of them were removed, but Mordarski was allowed back on the plane. The stabber was left to explain to Chicago police why she would assault such a lovable, George R.R. Martin-esque man. As for Mordarski, he just has to deal with his pain and, as a friend of his tweeted, his dry-cleaning bill.
Southwest passenger booted for jabbing snoring flier with pen http://t.co/OxelJRHQSL (pic: @MNS1974) pic.twitter.com/XtgyYwVYQu
— Ben Mutzabaugh (@TodayInTheSky)
April 17, 20153. Big Sean, because Ariana Grande's father warned him not to give her the D.
I give her that D... #Detroit
A photo posted by BIGSEAN (@bigsean) on
When rapper Big Sean posted this picture on Instagram, it was just supposed to be a dumb joke. The caption, "I give her that D… #Detroit," is a multi-layered wordplay referencing his hometown, his lyrics, and his penis. It's the same kind of wit that made him a star. Unfortunately, it's also a public reference to sex, implicitly with his girlfriend, Ariana Grande. Her father, Edward Butera, saw the photo and left this comment:
Open your eyes, Butera!(Instagram via Gawker)
It's one thing to get busted by your girlfriend's dad. It's another when you and your girlfriend are both famous and it's on the Internet. Now, it's only speculation whether Big Sean and Ariana Grande have consummated their relationship, but regardless, they'd better be careful from now on. Otherwise, Sean will be getting the B. As in baseball bat. In the B. As in butt.
2. Zooey Deschanel, because she never wanted to be called "adorkable."
Look at her, she's so… dorkily… adorable. This is hard.(Getty)
At this point, the word "adorkable" is indorkicably linked to Zooey Deschanel. Describing her without the word is like seeing her without bangs, or hearing her voice without ukulele accompaniment: a nightmare beyond imagining. That's why it came as such a shock when she told a room full of reporters that she doesn't see herself that way:
"That was something that was calculated, you know what I mean? That was our marketing department at Fox and they did a really good job with our first season, but that's a word that describes the character that I play, not me. I don't personally have identification with that word myself."
That sentiment is actually shockingly reasonable. Not even geekonable, just plain reasonable. After all, no real person wants to be seen as a manic pixie dream girl, even if she's the reason that stereotype exists. And let's face facts: Deschanel is 35. If she ever was adorkable, she should have grown out of it by now. At a certain point, it's dorkpressing.
1. A British soccer player fired for having sex with a fan in the opposing team's dugout.
The beautiful game.(via Twitter)
The man in the picture above is English soccer player Jay Hart. Hart used to be a forward for Clitheroe, a semi-pro team based out of Lancashire. That is, until a video was leaked of him having sex with a fan in the opposing team's dugout after a match. An away match. On "ladies day." This image comes from that video, which has since been scrubbed from the Internet.
Before it was taken down, however, it was seen by Clitheroe's management, who quickly decided to terminate the 24-year-old Hart. Hart expressed his contrition publicly:
“I'm full of regret. I'd had a couple of drinks. I was away from everyone and thought I was hidden."
Well, part of him was certainly hidden. His girlfriend, Bryony Hibbert, struck a less somber tone in comments left on the team's Facebook page:
"Have a bit of decency for the people it's affected. Thank god my kids are too young to read. It's disgusting. I bet their families are far from perfect."
She makes a good point. But for the sake of her own family, it's time she gave her boyfriend a red card.