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5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - April 23, 2015

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1. Hell Leaking Into Regular World Through Tiny Hole In Chile

The Calbuco volcano in southern Chile erupted yesterday for the first time since 1972, sending fire and ash into the atmosphere and forcing thousands to be evacuated from the area. NPR is reporting that "Local officials say people are very, very frightened. The immediate concern is the volcano's eruption could trigger snow melts and cause flooding." Also, that lava seeping out of it is, like, crazy hot. If you happen to see that lava coming toward you, walk briskly in the opposite direction.



2. Chinese Geneticists Playing God That Does Not Exist In Their Atheist Communist State

Scientists in China have announced that they have been editing the genome of human embryos in an effort to remove potentially harmful genetic codes and create healthier babies. This is the first time in human history that something like this has been attempted, or at least the first time that we have heard of it before the resulting monster babies ran amuck and destroyed all evidence of their existence.


3. Carly Fiorina To Bring Much-Needed Tokenism To GOP Primary

Failed Republican senate candidate Carly Fiorina will reportedly be announcing her presidential campaign with a straight face on May 4, thus giving conservative voters an opportunity to not vote for a female candidate twice in one presidential election cycle.


4. Popeyes Decides Against Firing Employee Who Broke Store Policy By Getting Robbed At Gunpoint

A Popeyes location in Texas has magnanimously decided to rehire a pregnant manager who broke store policy by handing $400 in cash to a thief after allowing herself to have a gun shoved into her face. And they say that corporate America is heartless.


5. Shiny, Hairless, Svelte Superhero Turns Out To Be Secretly Gay

In the upcoming issue of Marvel's All-New X-Men comic book, author Brian Michael Bendis has the psychic character Jean Grey reveal to Bobby Drake—more commonly known as Iceman—that she is aware that he is gay, causing many comic book fans to think about the character for the first time in years.


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