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I wish an hour with you lasted as long as an hour at my job.

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Internet Slang As Interpreted By Your Parents

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Considering the amount I pay for health insurance now, I’d try to make money...

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For someone who jogs all the time, I still have the ability to make it look...

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Your decision to get married proves you're not ready to make important...

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If People Reacted Honestly To Facebook Invitations

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I wish there were a Game of Thrones character who violently murdered people...

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Thanks for giving me a job at your wedding I can perform while drunk.

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Here's hoping the wedding gifts you receive are even remotely worth the...

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I'm not overly sensitive but I'm also not above crying to get what I want.

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I would be honored to pretend to be honored to be in your wedding party.

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My vibrator and I got back together.

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I'm way better at multitasking than I am at ever finishing anything.

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The first sure sign it's spring is stepping in a thawed out pile of dog crap.

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My lady parts and I are primping for our date.

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I'm glad I only have to pay taxes on what I make and not what I tell everyone...

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Sorry the rain is making it harder to justify tipping poorly on your Seamless...

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I wish Facebook had privacy settings for people's thoughts.

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Just a reminder that you still have plenty of time to do your taxes at the...

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The right time to have kids is when you've run out of shows to watch on Netflix.

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