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I wish I was as skinny as I was back when I thought I was fat.

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April 8, 2014, 12:28 pm

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I have sex to avoid giving blow jobs.

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April 8, 2014, 4:50 pm

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Happy birthday to someone old enough to remember what it was like to poop...

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April 9, 2014, 5:01 am

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Thank you for knocking instead of shooting when you need to use the bathroom.

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April 9, 2014, 7:54 am

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Just a reminder that I wasn't supposed to tell anyone that thing I told you.

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April 9, 2014, 8:30 am

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My raise this year will be expensing the alcohol that helps me endure being...

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April 9, 2014, 8:44 am

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29 Things Pet Owners Secretly Want To Tell You But Probably Shouldn't

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April 9, 2014, 8:59 am

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I hope a promotion isn't out of the question because I'm ready to do nothing...

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April 9, 2014, 10:22 am

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Rest assured that your recent accomplishments at work have gone largely...

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April 9, 2014, 10:55 am

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My nose has done more running this spring than I have.

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April 9, 2014, 11:31 am

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May your April showers be golden.

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April 9, 2014, 5:01 pm

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Thanks for letting me know I'm doing a great job that won't remotely be...

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April 10, 2014, 5:01 am

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13 TED Talks Your Dad Would Give

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April 10, 2014, 6:28 am

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10 Honest Filing Statuses The IRS Needs To Add To Your 1040

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April 10, 2014, 8:02 am

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I need a hypoallergenic boyfriend for my sensitive heart.

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April 10, 2014, 8:41 am

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I miss you almost as much as I miss having sex with you.

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April 10, 2014, 8:55 am

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I only eat the entire pint of ice cream in one sitting so I won't be tempted...

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April 10, 2014, 9:21 am

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I hope you know you could never be replaced as quickly as CBS replaced...

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April 10, 2014, 10:18 am

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You have a pretty strong opinion on Stephen Colbert for someone who goes to...

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April 10, 2014, 10:55 am

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Our genitalia should get back in touch.

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April 10, 2014, 11:13 am

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