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Mom Coupon: Redeemable for one instance of my reading a forwarded email from...

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I hope your Mother's Day is more pleasant than labor was.

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There's nobody else I'd rather accidentally father a child with.

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Thanks for slightly reducing your alcohol consumption while I was living...

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Thanks for being a wonderful mother and always supporting me in every...

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Happy Mother's Day, even though I pretty much raised myself.

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Here's to my birth marking the last minute you ever had to yourself.

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I'm sorry my gigantic head ruined your vagina.

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Good for one apology along with a slightly late bouquet of Mother's Day flowers.

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I already can't wait until your story about the weekend is over.

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14 best backhanded compliments.

  Better way of saying "you look like you have a good personality." That moment when a fleeting look of happiness gives way to a defeated frown... it's a thing of beauty. That's why we love the...

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If we were cars, I'd ride as close to your bumper as legally permissible.

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Let's get back to passive-aggressively ignoring our mothers for the next 364...

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Thanks for not letting your hangover get in the way of a wonderful Mother's...

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I hope anyone is as excited about your wedding as they are about the return...

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Chris Brown now hurting people's eyes without use of fists.

Read the full article at TheGist.com >>

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Congratulations on getting your master's in a field that was already...

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Congratulations on earning a degree in something you don't remotely want to...

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21 of the worst things to say to a college grad.

  The worst is yet to come. Graduation is a time of transitions: from harmless binge drinker to serious problem drinker, from student loan recipient to student loan payer, and from being an...

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34th Birthday: Congratulations on outliving the Son of God.

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