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This record-breaking heat makes it even harder than usual to be fat.

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5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today — July 22, 2013

How did a woman die on a rollercoaster? What's the latest with that royal baby? What are the Bruins doing to stop Justin Bieber from soiling their logo? Find out in 5 Things You Should At Least...

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If it wasn't for the royal baby, I wouldn't have anything to not care about...

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Even without relentless worldwide media attention, I'm confident we'll see...

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I want to lavish as much attention on your vagina as if it were about to...

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I hope Kate Middleton's labor is less painful than me having to hear about it.

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Condolences to Prince William on the the royal vagina's ruination.

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Congratulations to the royal baby on escaping the womb of a commoner.

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Let's make Monday at our crappy jobs slightly more depressing with constant...

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Happy birthday to someone who still looks as young as they do in whatever...

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Let's welcome the royal baby boy into a world where millions of people lost...

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Best of luck to the royal baby boy on not inheriting his father's male...

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Happy birthday to someone I’ve only known long enough to hopefully get away...

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You're going to be a great MILF.

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Happy birthday to someone old enough to go vintage shopping in their own closet.

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Your genitals look familiar.

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5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today — July 23, 2013

What's threatening the pope's life? Who's getting in the way of Brits from "flogging the Anglican bishop"? Where are Obama's approval ratings? Find out the answers to these questions and then two...

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Rest assured that head lice is no more humiliating than every other aspect of...

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Here's to doing as little work today as the royal baby will do in his entire...

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Happy birthday to my favorite commoner.

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