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Rather than banning porn, I wish Britain would ban updates on the royal family.

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Thanks for not being completely honest about me in your engagement speech.

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Congratulations on getting engaged for a reason other than an unwanted...

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The most humiliating way to tell a neighbor they're having sex way too loud.

Or better yet, get a new bedframe! We know some great sales on bedframes! You're welcome! Based on the spelling of "neighbour," we're guessing this was sent by a helpful neighbor in the UK. And since...

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Congratulations on realizing you're ready to settle for someone.

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I can't believe how much the royal baby looks like every other baby I don't...

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An extremely sleepy airplane passenger passed out in her seatmate's crotch....

She looks like such an angel when she drools on a stranger's pants. According to the description on the video posted by Steve Cullum (the conscious passenger), he "tried lifting her up, shaking her,...

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Happy birthday to someone who thinks they're still not too old to have...

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Feel free to sext me once you have the finely toned pecs of a nerdy New York...

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I love you enough to stop sexting other women after I'm caught the first time.

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Anthony Weiner has a sex scandal more often than I have sex.

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I love you enough to never make you publicly explain my shockingly perverted...

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Congratulations on your biological clock overriding your common sense and...

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5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today — July 24, 2013

How's Apple doing? What's going on with the mail? Who's letting you carry a gun now? The answer to all that and more in 5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today.Go >>

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You make me as horny as a disgraced politician alone with a smartphone.

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Congratulations to Yahoo on establishing itself as the place to set up fake...

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May your workday be as forgiving as Anthony Weiner's wife.

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I'm impressed Anthony Weiner had the fortitude to get through an entire press...

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Sorry Carlos Danger is better at dirty talk than your boyfriend.

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Seeing Anthony Weiner's dangling genitals reminded me that we haven't hung...

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