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Fortunately, your obsessive need to tell me all your problems is matched by...

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I'm terrified of people who aren't terrified of sharks.

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If we're ever attacked by a shark, take comfort in knowing you'll be eaten...

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I need some serious caffeine to not function at work.

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5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today — August 7, 2013

What horrible disease did Dustin Hoffman get rid of? What's the sexy news about Marilyn Monroe? How much filthy money did Johnny Football make? Find out in 5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know...

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Stephen Colbert hilariously destroys the head of MTV for pulling Daft Punk...

The Colbert Report Get More: Colbert Report Full Episodes,Video Archive Last night on The Colbert Report, Daft Punk had been scheduled to appear and play their hit "Get Lucky" to the delight of the few...

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Someone stole a man's Amazon package off his doorstep. So he made this...

We're not cool with fat-shaming, but when you're a thief you lose certain rights. If someone stole an Amazon package off your doorstep, what would you do? Unless you had a hidden camera installed, like...

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The 20 most awkward high-fives in the history of human hands.

He should have high-fived Ryan Seacrest's face with his cane. High-fives aren't easy. You've got to initiate and risk rejection and then non-verbally coordinate so your hands slap one another in...

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Thanks for barely sexually harassing me during my internship.

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I'd happily grant asylum to fugitive whistleblowers if it led to more...

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My workout consists of walking around the office lying to people about going...

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I love spending time with you at the beach.

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Bringing gym clothes to work is the new going to the gym.

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August seems like a good time to tell you this was a summer fling.

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I'd love to go to the gym with you and watch you work out.

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I hate long goodbyes so please don't bother responding to this ecard.

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Perhaps the greatest, saddest, most romantic Missed Connection ever posted on...

If you took all of the Missed Connections ever posted on Craigslist (except for the pervy ones and the ones that start with "I was taking a shit behind the dumpster when you came out the back door of...

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May you live to be so old your genitalia gets washed for you.

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Technically, you're not drinking alone if your kids are home.

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Provided your success is short-lived, I believe our friendship will survive.

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