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Please be our guest for some state-sanctioned girl-on-girl nuptials.

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I would travel by bus for you.

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I'd love to see you over Thanksgiving if it's not too depressing for you to...

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Happy Hanukkah to a Jew who lives in a part of the country where no one knows...

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Hope you don't mind that the side dish I'm bringing to Thanksgiving is...

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I'm not the kind of girl you can take home to your mother unless your mother...

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Sorry your girlfriend is too young to sit with us at the adult table this...

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I wish the Hunger Games sequel was a death match between the people who...

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Allow me to apologize in advance for what I will do to your bathroom on...

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Let's kick off the holiday season by sitting in a dark theater watching...

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Introducing the most threateningly amusing way to get someone's attention.

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Let's get high school drunk.

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I apologize in advance for never calling you again after we have sex tonight.

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Congratulations on not being remotely young enough to be picked for the...

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Of the vast number of people I report to at work, you're my favorite.

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Happy birthday to someone so old they've forgotten where they were when JFK...

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I'd love it if we took unbuttoning our pants after Thanksgiving dinner a step...

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Just thought I'd mimic retailers by wishing you a Merry Christmas before...

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Brunch makes Sunday morning binge drinking feel so civilized.

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I'm thankful that I only have to fake working for two days this week.

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