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I would rather be sitting on a toilet with no toilet paper than with no cell...

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My condolences to Santa for having to fully review the appallingly naughty...

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I don't know if going on an actual date would be as fun as continually...

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Let's make the tree in our living room watch one of its kind burn in our...

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Studying for finals is great training for a lifetime of working hard at...

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I can't wait to be ashamed of what I do this weekend.

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Here's to another Friday evening of false optimism about the weekend.

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I'm never happier than when I'm with you and we're talking about me.

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I hope you have the best birthday that a person who can barely function in...

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My best trait is the ability to hide all my terrible traits.

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It takes twice as long for me to not get anything done on Monday as it does...

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Even though it doesn't have a limited-time free shipping offer, yours is my...

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We hope our Christmas card alerted you to how much better our family is doing...

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Small Victories Every Holiday Traveler Should Celebrate

  

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I know you're the one because the smell of your vagina doesn't make me gag.

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Sorry I moved my desk in a way that makes it difficult for you to view porn...

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Commuting to work in a snowstorm is all the work I'm doing today.

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Curious if you'd like to grab a drink before my genitals go into winter...

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Congratulations on your new little mess maker.

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I hope you really like your present so I can lord over you how much better I...

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