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You better hope to god that Santa doesn't see your browser history.

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Merry Christmas to someone responsible for my non-immaculate conception.

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The best thing about your Christmas present is that you thought I was a size...

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I like you so much that I DVR'd Love Actually.

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I'd brave taking off my gloves in record cold temperatures to text you...

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Good luck finding something nice to wear to Christmas at Grandma's from your...

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I bet your birthday would be a bigger deal this time of year if you were...

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Sorry I can't make it to your holiday party that I'm pretending to attend to...

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I'd be much more into the office holiday party if my coworkers weren't invited.

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Allow me to apologize in advance for what I'm going to say to you at the...

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If your family was disturbingly honest about what they want for Christmas.

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You mean so much to me that I paid rush delivery charges on your last-minute...

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Thanks for taking one hand off your cell phone to finger-bang me.

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I'm dreaming of a nondenominational, gender-neutral, non-discriminatory,...

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I'll always be there to support you in my completely pushy way.

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There's no reason for anyone to be alone during the holidays unless everyone...

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I can't think of anything gayer than talking graphically about men's anuses...

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It concerns me that a man who spends a lot of time around ducks considers...

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Technically, you're not drinking alone if your kids are home.

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Friday is the beginning of my liver's workweek.

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