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My excuses for already breaking my New Year's diet are more complicated than...

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Tom Hanks is truly an everyman in that he's finally being underappreciated...

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You seem remarkably sane for an Internet commenter.

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Just wanted to check in with you one more time this hour to see if you think...

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I don't need to go to the movies to see a man fall in love with his phone.

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Let’s continue our conversation once your medication kicks in.

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There should be an automatic Oscar given to anyone who correctly pronounces...

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21 Brutally Oversimplified Movie Plots.

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I would take antidepressants but I'm too worried my unbearably miserable...

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Sorry you mistook my birthday wishes on Facebook as me having any interest...

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Sometimes I run out of unproductive things to do at work.

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I think our friendship could withstand some drunk sexual experimentation.

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After reviewing all my other options, we should totally hang out tonight.

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Pretending to look busy on a Friday is the hardest I work all week.

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I take my work home on the weekends by doing absolutely nothing there either.

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Sorry you thought your work email was important enough for me to bother...

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You're invited to help slow my gradual slide towards drinking alone.

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I'd love to meet you for coffee if I wasn't someone who needed alcohol to...

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Thanks for letting me use your property to destroy myself with alcohol.

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Sorry the weekend and I couldn't last longer.

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