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It stops being a "shocker" when you do it every time.

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January 13, 2014, 5:36 pm

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I'm gonna go ahead and count putting on my jeans as 15 minutes of cardio.

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January 14, 2014, 5:01 am

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The first thing I do when I get to work is check my Facebook until I go home.

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January 14, 2014, 7:47 am

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Let's further exhaust each other by complaining about how tired we are.

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January 14, 2014, 8:41 am

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The only reason I'm opening my mouth today is to yawn.

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January 14, 2014, 9:09 am

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Sorry the only thing getting repeatedly slammed in your bed is a snooze button.

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January 14, 2014, 10:48 am

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The only reason I drink so much coffee is because I don't get enough sleep...

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January 14, 2014, 11:16 am

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I get a full eight hours of sleep every day at my desk with my eyes open.

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January 14, 2014, 12:08 pm

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There's nothing I love more than waking up next to you and a device to check...

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January 14, 2014, 12:51 pm

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I wish we kept in touch as regularly as A-Rod and his steroids dealer.

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January 14, 2014, 1:28 pm

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Happy birthday to someone old enough to choose sleep over sex.

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January 14, 2014, 2:18 pm

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Sorry your cell phone battery died and you had to talk to the friends you...

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January 15, 2014, 5:01 am

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You're as witty over text as you are painfully awkward on the phone.

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January 15, 2014, 8:52 am

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I work really well with my hands in that I'm a fast texter.

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January 15, 2014, 9:17 am

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We should have sex if we're ever somehow both in bed and awake at the same time.

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January 15, 2014, 11:36 am

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A delightfully insulting postcard for every state and bullsh*t U.S. territory.

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January 15, 2014, 12:04 pm

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Just taking life one antidepressant at a time.

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January 15, 2014, 1:10 pm

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I'm so hungry I could eat my own cooking.

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January 15, 2014, 3:44 pm

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This vodka soda has a slight taste of text an ex in it.

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January 15, 2014, 4:52 pm

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I think you've once again mistaken your Facebook status for your therapist.

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January 16, 2014, 5:01 am

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