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The only thing I'll be getting intimate with this weekend is a box of tampons.

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February 21, 2014, 10:42 am

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If you're going to take credit for all my work, let me tell you about what I...

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February 21, 2014, 11:28 am

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I like you enough to say it without a hint of sarcasm.

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February 21, 2014, 12:01 pm

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12 Ways To Set Realistic Expectations For The Weekend

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February 21, 2014, 12:10 pm

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You gave me a near-actual orgasm.

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February 22, 2014, 5:11 am

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Brunch makes Sunday morning binge drinking feel so civilized.

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February 23, 2014, 5:15 am

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You're the reason I wake up every morning and start drinking.

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February 23, 2014, 7:04 am

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I already can't wait until your story about the weekend is over.

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February 24, 2014, 5:01 am

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I increased productivity at work by calling in sick today.

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February 24, 2014, 7:37 am

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Based on your track record, it should always be my turn to pick where we go...

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February 24, 2014, 8:03 am

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I love my children enough to not tell them I do on Facebook.

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February 24, 2014, 8:17 am

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10 Parental Advisory Stickers That Should Definitely Exist

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February 24, 2014, 9:10 am

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I'd be willing to set my alarm ten or fifteen minutes earlier if you wanted...

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February 24, 2014, 10:05 am

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Best of luck to Alec Baldwin on escaping paparazzi and showbiz phonies by...

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February 24, 2014, 10:27 am

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11 Rosetta Stone Language Programs You'll Wish Were Real

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February 24, 2014, 1:17 pm

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Some of my best friendships are based completely on mutual exploitation.

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February 24, 2014, 1:29 pm

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Your exquisite breasts have exacerbated my asthma.

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February 24, 2014, 5:01 pm

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I intend to spend my day doing as little as is humanly possible without...

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February 25, 2014, 5:01 am

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May your breakup be less messy than your relationship.

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February 25, 2014, 7:56 am

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I need a hug that results in wild sex.

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February 25, 2014, 8:30 am

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