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Always remember to clean your clothes and your taggeed pics before a job...

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March 19, 2014, 8:07 am

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May your lifespan be freakishly long.

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March 19, 2014, 8:30 am

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10 Baby-Shaming Onesies That Will Totally Take Your Tot Down A Notch

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March 19, 2014, 8:34 am

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I wish CrossFit got your personality in shape as well.

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March 19, 2014, 9:10 am

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I never feel more vulnerable than when someone likes my Facebook picture from...

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March 19, 2014, 9:19 am

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The only tough mudder I can brag about involves 25 minutes on the toilet.

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March 19, 2014, 10:35 am

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I'm half impressed you ran a half marathon.

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March 19, 2014, 10:35 am

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My new exercise routine is running away from people who tell me about their...

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March 19, 2014, 11:01 am

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I have been warming up for our sex sessions.

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March 19, 2014, 4:57 pm

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Thanks for taking a break from complaining about your kids to let me know how...

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March 18, 2014, 2:16 pm

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Happy Technical First Day of Spring.

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March 20, 2014, 5:01 am

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This winter was particularly hard on my having to imagine what your cleavage...

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March 20, 2014, 8:02 am

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Thank god this horrible winter weather has officially become horrible spring...

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March 20, 2014, 8:20 am

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Let's binge-watch The Walking Dead until we make the zombies look lively.

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March 20, 2014, 8:32 am

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Happy birthday to someone so old they watch TV shows on a TV.

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March 20, 2014, 8:48 am

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Happy Vernal Equinox to someone who is about to Google the term Vernal Equinox.

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March 20, 2014, 9:11 am

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At least Fred Phelps doesn't have to worry about Fred Phelps disrupting his...

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March 20, 2014, 10:48 am

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My deepest sympathies go out to whoever has to eulogize Fred Phelps.

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March 20, 2014, 11:03 am

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Here's to Fred Phelps for uniting the world in celebration of his death.

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March 20, 2014, 11:29 am

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I've got you as my number one seed in annoying me about your NCAA bracket.

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March 20, 2014, 1:01 pm

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