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7 responses to 'I love you' that aren't 'I love you too,' ranked.

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The phrase "I love you" is a problem. It is our deepest expression of affection, but it is also a trap. Once it's out there, the clock starts ticking for the "I love you too," or the relationship will choke on the words like a toddler eating a steak.

You could just say it back without meaning it, but that's a hard one to keep up unless you're a complete sociopath. Giving an alternate response could buy you some time before being shot straight to the center of commitment town. It's a risky play, but here are seven alt responses to "I love you," ranked from best to worst.

1. "Ditto."

Swayze was kind of a douche for saying this, but it is the closest thing to what they want to hear, and worked well enough to hold on to a dime like Demi Moore.

2. "Thank you."

When Emily said it to Ross it sucked, but that's cause she was always kind of a bitch. You're not a bitch, right? Saying thank you at least acknowledges and accepts the love. Look them in the eyes when you say it and follow immediately with sex.

3. "You're not too bad, yourself."

This MIGHT work if you treat the whole situation casual as hell, as though they said, "You bought the tickets ahead of time? I love you!"

4. "Why?"

Distract distract distract. You could turn the convo by the time they're done answering questions, and maybe your insecurity will make them rethink the whole thing.

5. "I know."

If you're confident enough to say this with a smile, that's probably why they love you to begin with. Even though you're an asshole.

6. "I'm sorry (ha ha ha)!"

Hey, you're self deprecating! And for that reason it is both a joke and a sincere apology. It's the wink of responses.

7. "Shit."

For Rihanna's use only.


Kesha sent Instagram on a mission to find her stolen jacket.

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Kesha has had a pretty rough year, and the hits just keep on coming. One of her custom-made suit jackets was apparently stolen from her dressing room last night, she revealed to her fans:

Sure, it's just a jacket, but Kesha seems pretty distraught about it. She posted this video plea on Instagram in the hopes that one of her 1.8 million followers would have any information that might lead to her missing jacket.

"If you can get me my fucking suit, I don't know what I'll do," Kesha says. "I'll kiss you on the fucking mouth. But I need it for my show tomorrow."

This is Taken 5: Kesha's Jacket. Where's Liam Neeson when you need him?

Dr. Pimple Popper showed off a new toy pulling a huge lipoma from the back of a guy's neck.

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After some awkward chit chat, everyone's famous dermatologist Dr. Pimple "Sandra Lee" Popper worked her magic on a lipoma that looks at first like a neck hump. Dr. Popper faced this challenge with the use of a device that cauterizes blood vessels, "decreasing bleeding and making it easier for me see!" The buzzing noise adds a whole new dimension to the mini horror movie, and the lipoma is apparently nervous to come out, requiring a whole lot of loosening up. (Around 12:00 is the moment of truth)

It takes awhile, but the Lipoma Whisperer worked her magic and will have him say,

The funniest reactions to Malia Obama caught burning some sweet cheeba.

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On August 10, a video was released that appeared to show Malia Obama smoking a joint at the Lollapalooza music festival (where she was previously filmed twerking). Here's the raw footage, with the music blissfully omitted.

The clip quickly sent the media into an uproar, because smoking pot is still enough to cause a scandal in 2016 for some reason. Jokesters on Twitter also got into the mix with their own (mostly stoned) reactions to the footage. Here are the best.

13 people who were laughed at for their ideas before time proved them completely right.

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Nothing more frustrating than knowing you're right but having to wait to prove it. Hopefully, you won't die before you can taste the sweet sweet victory of rightness, but here are a bunch of stories about people great and small who were vindicated in time, as shared by the crowdsourced experts on reddit. Let us all be witnesses to their rightness.

1. attacktheradical explains how Hemingway couldn't get the truth shocked out of him.

Ernest Hemingway claimed the FBI was spying on him. He was deemed crazy and was then institutionalized, undergoing horrible shock therapy that ultimately ended in his suicide. Turns out, the FBI was, indeed, following him.

2. reptilesni reveals how a wise politician named Duff refused to ditch his ditch.

Manitoba premier Duff Roblin built a flood control waterway, or "floodway" to protect the city of Winnipeg from being under water if the city flooded, which it had done in the past. It was built in 1968 at a cost of $63 Million (Canadian) which was a freakin' lot of money at the time. He was derided by his opponents and the project was sneeringly referred to as Duff's Ditch.

Since it was built it has been used over 20 times and saved the city billions of dollars. People from all over the world have come to study it, particularly our flood prone neighbors to the south in North Dakota.

Thanks Duff, we love your ditch.

3. bitnotno​laments the story of the man who could have saved people millions if the SEC had only listened.

Harry Markopolos who figured out the Madoff Ponzi scheme and delivered it fully documented to the SEC. This was years before the scheme fell apart in 2008. There's book called "No One Would Listen". Also made into a movie.

4. _ShakashuriBlowdown has this inspiring story about Rick Rescorla, who saved thousands of people's lives on 9/11.

Rick Rescorla

A retired Army officer who was the Chief Security Officer of Morgan Stanley in the World Trade Center, he foresaw a terrorist attack on the towers and created a very thorough evacuation procedure should such an event occur. He wrote a report about the structural integrity of the towers and gave it to Port Authority but it was ignored.

On 9/11, he ignored the initial instructions to stay put and orchestrated the evacuation of 2500+ employees. I can't do this next part justice so I'm copying straight from Wikipedia:

Rescorla had boosted morale among his men in Vietnam by singing Cornish songs from his youth, and now he did the same in the stairwell, singing songs like one based on the Welsh song "Men of Harlech":

"Men of Cornwall stop your dreaming, Can’t you see their spearpoints gleaming?, See their warriors’ pennants streaming, To this battlefield. Men of Cornwall stand ye steady, It cannot be ever said ye for the battle were not ready Stand and never yield!"[3]

Between songs, Rescorla called his wife, telling her, "Stop crying. I have to get these people out safely. If something should happen to me, I want you to know I've never been happier. You made my life." After successfully evacuating most of Morgan Stanley's 2,687 employees, he went back into the building.[3][11][12] When one of his colleagues told him he too had to evacuate the World Trade Center, Rescorla replied, "As soon as I make sure everyone else is out".[13] He was last seen on the 10th floor, heading upward, shortly before the South Tower collapsed at 9:59 A.M. His remains were never found.[10][11][12] Rescorla was declared dead three weeks after the attacks.[3]

5. Earguy explains how this Nobel Prize winner was so sure he was right, he gambled his own life.

Gastric ulcers were thought to be caused by stress and spicy food. Dr. Barry Marshall thought it might be caused by a germ. He intentionally infected himself with the bacteria. He got sick from it, and he cured himself with antibiotics.

It earned him a Nobel Prize.

6. ​Goatzart brings up the scientist who had divisive ideas about continental drift.

Alfred Wegener

He was a german astronomer/meteorologist/climatologist and geophysicist who was alive in the early 20th century. He saw how the continents fit together, believed that the continents were slowly moving over geological time, and coined the terms "continental drift" and "pangea". He traveled all over the world collecting evidence of this. He found ancient coral reef remains at high latitudes. He found perfectly matching fossil records at continental margins, and perfectly matching rock layers. He found perfectly matching glacial evidence at continental boundaries too.

Of course, all of his contemporaries laughed at him and completely disregarded his evidence. The key he was missing to his theory was sea floor spreading, which no one knew about because sonar had not been invented yet. Unfortunately he died before sea floor spreading was discovered. But damn was he right.

7. NSA_Chatbot lost his own job for being right.

Well, me.

I was fired in 2015 for telling my employer that their welding practices were unacceptable and that I was legally obligated to report it. (By "fired" I mean I was on a probationary contract, and was given no more work until it ran out a month later.)

A year later, the Navy had to pull the subs from active service and they're out millions of dollars in rework and repair. They're lucky nobody died.

http://www.cbc.ca/news/politics/submarine-welding-repairs-hmcs-chicoutimi-victoria-1.3584592

I haven't been able to find work since and I'm possibly going to lose my house. That's probably a coincidence. Probably.

8. ​No_Disputin_Rasputin brings up the man who blew Lance Armstrong's whistle

Greg Lemond. The Tour de France winner who accused Lance Armstrong of doping way before anyone believed it.

typhoidtimmy backs him up with full story.

It was pretty well known. Greg simply had the balls to state something publicly about it. And what happens?

He becomes a complete pariah, loses a multi million dollar contract with Trek bikes after they state they want him to apologize for saying it - and have the gall to state it was due to him calling out their main cash cow, Lance Armstrong(and if you don't believe Lance had a hand in it you are an idiot.)

Not only that but Greg doubled down and literally would confront Lance publicly on it a couple of times and even caught Lance on the phone telling him he would ruin him financially because he would not shut up about it.

Meanwhile, he was disinvited to a past Tour Winners dinner and celebration based on his tarnished image (rumor has it Lance had his hand in that) and was the object of derision in many eyes.

Then it all came out.....Greg was right and Lance was a lying scumbag.

People here are mourning the loss of Armstrong as a hero...yea I suppose you can say that. But you know, there was one guy who stood by his principles and burned for it for years...but his soul is clean when he was turned out to be right.

Greg LeMond is the hero here folks.​

9. FatFreddysCat reminds us about the guy who could have prevented the Challenger explosion.

The guy who warned that the o-rings would fail.

​​RuleNine comes through with additional info.

Allan McDonald, Roger Boisjoly, Bob Ebeling, at least one more. As if that story couldn't get worse, McDonald for one said he actually thought the rockets would explode on the pad, so when the shuttle cleared the tower, he had to have felt some brief relief.

Altus_Castus proves hat even though McDonald was right, it will never be right.

He gives a lecture each year to the engineering students at my university about the o-rings. It's pretty obvious that it still eats away at him.

10. insert-words-here remembers Sam Houston, who knew "what was coming."

Sam Houston, who basically predicted the outcome of the American Civil War when he refused to swear loyalty to the Confederacy, said this:

“Let me tell you what is coming. After the sacrifice of countless millions of treasure and hundreds of thousands of lives, you may win Southern independence if God be not against you, but I doubt it. I tell you that, while I believe with you in the doctrine of states rights, the North is determined to preserve this Union. They are not a fiery, impulsive people as you are, for they live in colder climates. But when they begin to move in a given direction, they move with the steady momentum and perseverance of a mighty avalanche; and what I fear is, they will overwhelm the South.”

..And he sure was damn right about that.

11. doorkn00b brings up that story half of us only recognize from Seinfeld.

The "Dingo ate my baby" woman. Truly a sad story.

12. ​Red_AtNight tells us about this doctor who didn't understand why he was right, he just knew he was right.

Ignaz Semmelweis was a Hungarian doctor who suggested doctors needed to wash their hands more often.

He noticed that women were getting Puerperal fever at an alarming rate at Vienna General Hospital, because doctors were going from handling cadavers directly to delivering babies without washing their hands. He suggested that doctors wash their hands in a solution of chlorinated lime.

Naturally, he was scoffed at, nobody took him seriously, he suffered a mental breakdown, and wound up being committed to an asylum at age 47, where he died after being badly beaten by the guards.

His findings were later confirmed by Louis Pasteur's confirmation of Germ Theory, and Joseph Lister's pioneering work in using antiseptics in surgery. Semmelweis didn't understand why the cadaver handling led to women dying in childbirth, but he was right that the doctors needed to up their hygiene game.

13. Finally, SirMonkeyFood has one about how we got "lights and mountains and shit."

William Seward. Bought Alaska for some trivial amount and was mocked most of his life (Seward's folly, Seward's ice box). Then we found tons of gold and oil and made back much more money off resources alone. Also they have moose and lights and mountains and shit. So..

Woman with 'No Regrets' tattoo regrets robbing 7-Eleven.

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Police in Anderson, South Carolina are looking for a woman who robbed a 7-Eleven early Tuesday morning. The woman, who had "No Regrets" tattooed on her neck, apparently apologized to the clerk as she was robbing the store.

http://www.wyff4.com/image/view/-/41117906/medRes/1/-/maxh/460/maxw/620/-/7cu62oz/-/711-robbery-in-Anderson-JPG.jpg

So apparently she did regret committing a felony, then. Maybe she should get her tattoo changed to say "One Regret."

Judge Amber Wolf makes headlines again by letting defendant meet his infant baby in court.

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Judge Amber Wolf is quickly becoming the internet's favorite judge after allowing a defendant to meet his month-old son for the first time while in her courtroom. And this is following a recent story from the beginning of August, when headlines applauded the same Judge Wolf for her reaction upon learning a female prisoner was denied pants and feminine hygiene products for three days.

This time, local Kentucky news station WDRB reports that "tears were shed." Wolf called the moment "probably one of the best things I've ever done."

What Wolf did was momentarily suspend her no-contact order for James Roeder in order to allow his wife, Ashley Roeder (his co-defendent) to approach him with their baby.

The infant was born while James Roeder was in custody, and as Wolf told WDRB, "it occurred to me after we finished this case that he had not met his baby—who was 30 days old—and that he was not going to get an opportunity to meet his baby anytime in the near future."

The couple is serving time for allegedly stealing flat screen TVs after breaking into a warehouse.

Watch for the touching, if blurry, video. It's made even more blurry by all the tears.

Size 12 fashion writer hits back after commenters threw shade at her 'unflattering' dress.

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A size 12 fashion writer hit back at commenters who shamed her for wearing a dress that didn't "flatter" her figure. When Glamour posted a photo of associate fashion writer Lauren Chan wearing this brightly colored sundress, she said she was "excited to read the comments." Classic mistake, Lauren! Here is the dress:

And here are some of the comments:

This is the most unflattering thing I've ever seen.

Not flattering at all!

It doesn't complement the body at all. It creates illusion like she is trying to hide some extra curves.

There is absolutely nothing flattering about this dress. It makes her look much havier.... Also, her shoes look uncomfortable and painful too, at least on her feet....

It's kind of insane how many people use the word "unflattering." In an op-ed in Glamour, Chan responded to the criticism. She in particular takes the word "unflattering" to task, writing:

Here’s where I call bullshit: Unflattering is just a code word for “not slimming,” and shocking as it may seem, this size 12 woman doesn’t choose clothes for the sole purpose of appearing elongated, slimmer, or sucked in.

And she added that "successful dressing doesn't mean minimizing our bodies." So basically, we can put on clothes because we like the way they look, even if they don't make us resemble an actual bean pole. So bring on those zig-zag stripes!


7 quotes from female Olympians that will make you feel empowered af.

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The 2016 Olympics are well underway, and the women of Team USA are straight up crushing it. These amazing athletes are proof that women can be strong and powerful, not just beautiful. (They're all gorgeous, though.) Here are 7 empowering quotes from the women of Team USA to get you feeling pumped.

#USA #USA #USA

1. Natasha Hastings - Track & Field

Pretty and pretty intimidating.

"As much as I'm a girly girl, I love being buff because it makes me look pretty intimidating — I can still come off as a badass. I love going to the gym and lifting the same size weights as guys lift."


2. Hope Solo - Soccer

Women's soccer made the Olympics and the men's team didn't, just saying.

"I think a time came where I was, like, I am proud as hell to be an athlete. And you know what, I will kick your ass [laughs], but I know I'm still beautiful but also strong, and I think that's empowering to females. It took a long time for me to realize that what we're doing is a good thing for women."


3. Ali Raisman - Gymnastics

Winning gold medals like a boss.

"I think imperfection is beauty. Instead of being insecure about my muscles, I've learned to love them. I don't even think of it as a flaw anymore because it's made me into the athlete that I am."


4. Britney Griner - Basketball

Her skills on the court are anything but boring.

"My big arms, my bigger hands, these long legs — I love being different. If everybody was the same, it'd be a boring-ass world."


5. Kerri Walsh Jennings - Beach Volleyball

You've gotta love Kerri's passion.

“Passion is a huge prerequisite to winning. It makes you willing to jump through hoops, go through all the ups and downs and everything in between to reach your goal.”


6. Missy Franklin - Swimming

Positive thinking (and super intense training) can get you anywhere.

"I am the luckiest girl in the world. I learned that if I just keep a positive mental attitude, that I can go out there and do whatever I hope I can do. It's all mental in getting out there, and having confidence in myself, and having strength and knowing I can do it."


7. Gabby Douglas - Gymnastics

She makes it look easy.

"Hard days are the best, because that's when champions are made."


Repeat after me...

We now know which other bald giant the Rock's 'Fast 8' rant was about.

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Apparently, The Rock's explosive Instagram rant about his male Fast 8 castmembers had one specific target: Vin Diesel. This, at least, is according to TMZ, who says that the entire cast is miffed at The Rock because of his Instagram post.

The gossip site says:

We're told The Rock has butted heads with Vin during the production, in part because V.D. is a producer and has made decisions that didn't sit well with the former wrestling champ.

Our sources say The Rock and Vin had a meeting on the Atlanta set mid-day Tuesday ... partly because tensions were running so high it was almost impossible to shoot scenes. We do not know if they resolved their issues.

Editor's note: I love these dumb movies and I love the Rock and it will break my heart eternally if everyone doesn't become Fast Friends, Furious Family again. Luckily, there's a good sign from The Rock himself:

His caption reads:

My FINAL WEEK of shooting#FastAndFurious. There's no greatness ever achieved alone.. it's always a team effort. We promised an epic prison break out for you guys and we delivered. HUGE THANK YOU to my ohana (family) stunt coordinator JJ Perry and his bad ass fearless stunt team - as well as my cousin and incredible stunt double @TanoaiReed. Thank you team for the willingness to "die hard" and drop your blood & sweat daily for our movie. #MyStuntBrothers#Loco4Life


You guys reading this know how much I believe in the idea of TEAM EFFORT. That means respecting every person, their time and their value when they step on to my set or partner with our production company. And like with any team - that's a family - there's gonna be conflict. Family is gonna have differences of opinion and fundamental core beliefs. To me, conflict can be a good thing, when its followed by great resolution. I was raised on healthy conflict and welcome it. And like any family, we get better from it.
#Fast8#IcemanCometh#FamilyGrowth

Article 81

Couple invites Adele to their wedding. Guess what? She says yes!

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How many people do you think dream of inviting Adele to their wedding? Lots! Well, for one super lucky—and adorable—couple in Los Angeles, that dream just became a reality. And she said yes!

Couple Vince Rossi and Ryan Solonen attended Adele's sold-out concert in Los Angeles. Adele spotted the couple dancing, brought 'em onstage, and a freakout commenced, followed by the wedding invite.

Vince even dreamed the moment would happen, proving dreams really do come true (at least for people named Vince at Adele concerts).

And what did she say to the invite?

It's like everything she does is followed by...

Perfection.

Ryan took to Twitter to show his gratitude.

Ryan, buddy, pal. You're stretching your luck too thin by trying to get Adele to Montana. Nothing against Montana, but Adele chilling with a bunch of bears? She only does that at gay bars, thank you very much.

Congrats to the happy couple, and to Adele for being cool AF!

Article 79

The 27 funniest reactions to Day 5 of the Olympics.

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Carmelo Anthony led Team USA to victory over Australia, becoming the all-time high scorer in US Olympic basketball in the process. Kerry Walsh Jennings and April Ross kept US Women's Volleyball unbeaten as they move on to the final 16. And Katie Ledecky won her third gold medal, continuing to dominate! This and more in the 27 funniest reactions to Day 5 of the Olympics:

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Katy Perry showed off her butt on Instagram, because it's not all about naked Orlando.

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The spotlight has been on Orlando Bloom ever since pictures of him paddle boarding with Karty Perry but without pants surfaced on the internet. Let's just say without a "shadow of a doubt" that the Lord of the Rings star seems to have a pretty nice bow and arrow.

Not used to being overshadowed (but how can you not be judging by the shadow in that picture above), Bloom's girlfriend Katy Perry is now all like, "Wait! Look at me! I have private parts, too!" She uploaded what she described as a "cheeky" picture to her Instagram on Wednesday showing off some tush.

I know it's a little cheeky, butt... Cycling in The ile de re, France 🇫🇷

A photo posted by KATY PERRY (@katyperry) on

The pic is definitely cute and much more innocent than going full-frontal in front of bunch of paparazzi, but probably isn't going to stop people from talking about her boyfriend's peen. Sorry, Katy.


Article 76

Ronald Reagan's daughter slams Trump by reminding him someone shot her dad.

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Ronald Reagan—the blessed angel of the Republican party, the mention of whose name fills the GOP with joy and pride and patriotism—supported gun control. Because he was shot. By an attempted assassin.

His daughter, Patti Davis, has published an open letter to Donald Trump, her father's party's nominee, addressing his insinuation that "Second Amendment people" could stop Hillary Clinton. Her father having been shot by a "Second Amendment person," the Jodie Foster-obsessed John Hinckley Jr., Davis had something to say to Trump about the power of words.

To Donald Trump: I am the daughter of a man who was shot by someone who got his inspiration from a movie, someone who...

Posted by Patti Davis on Wednesday, August 10, 2016

Addressed directly at Donald Trump, she writes, "I am the daughter of a man who was shot by someone who got his inspiration from a movie, someone who believed if he killed the President the actress from that movie would notice him."

Patti Davis.

While the Trump campaign insisted that the "Second Amendment people" comment referred to "the power of unification" rather than the power of firearms, Davis pointed out that these words were heard by people capable of all sorts of interpretations.

"It was heard by the person sitting alone in a room, locked in his own dark fantasies, who sees unbridled violence as a way to make his mark in the world, and is just looking for ideas. Yes, Mr. Trump, words matter," she writes.

The Gipper would not want him to win this one.

Trump said Obama founded ISIS. And that Hillary is the co-founder.

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It's been two days since Trump alluded to Hillary Clinton's assassination, so the Republican nominee probably figured it was about time for his next crazy outburst. At a rally in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, Trump said that President Barack Obama founded ISIS. Well, what he said verbatim was actually, "He is the founder of ISIS. He's the founder of ISIS, OK? He's the founder. He founded ISIS." Bet you read that in Trump's voice.

Yes, he said that Barack Obama is the FOUNDER of ISIS and that "Crooked" Hillary Clinton is the co-founder. Ay yai yai, where to begin with this?

Okay, let's back up for a second. First of all, ISIS was founded in 1999, nine years prior to Obama being elected President. So basically, Trump is saying that an Illinois State Senator and the First Lady of the United States got together and created ISIS. George W. Bush was in office when ISIS, Iraq's local affiliate of Al-Qaeda, began to rise in power and gain a following. So basically, even if Trump meant this completely ludicrous statement hyperbolically, the timeline still doesn't quite check out.

88 more days to go until Election Day. Bet you that Trump makes at least 88 more idiotic statements before November 8.

A beginner's guide to the art of makeup.

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Makeup can be practical as well as a whole lot of fun. But if you're new to wearing it, you might not know where to start. Worry no more, we've got you covered. Here's a handy beginner's guide to everyday makeup.

1. Moisturizer

Moisturizer is the key to maintaining tight, wrinkle-free skin as you age. By age 35, you should be spending approximately 30% of your waking hours moisturizing your face.

2. Primer

Primer provides a base for and increases the staying power of all the creams and powders you are going to slather on. It also helps camouflage your pores. As a human, you need pores, but they are disgusting.

3. Foundation

There are no good foundation gifs, so here's one of a tiny monkey being groomed with a toothbrush. Anyway, foundation is a tinted cream applied all over the face to create one even skin tone, the blank canvas upon which you'll create the masterpiece that will be your face.

4. Concealer

Concealer is like Wite-Out for your face. It can be used to hide imperfections like blemishes, sunspots, and dark undereye circles in an attempt to fool people into thinking you wore sunscreen in your 20s and get more than four hours of sleep at night.

5. Contouring

Contouring creates the illusion of shadows and highlights on your face, giving your face lots of angles, like a Rubik's Cube. Use a color slightly darker than your natural skin tone to make parts of your face look sunken and hollow, and a lighter color to accentuate any protruding bones, drawing attention to what a sexy, sexy skeleton you are.

6. Eyeliner

Eyeliner comes in liquid, pencil, or gel form and is used to outline your eyes, making them more visible to people who might otherwise not notice you have any. Starting from the inside corner, apply liner to the base of one eyelid, right along the lashline. Then paint a matching line on your other eye. Oops, hold up, they don't quite match. Remove just the winged end of the one you just did, and try again to match it to the first one. Hmm. Okay, now they're both kind of messed up. Take it all off and start over, this time working from the outer corner in. Okay, done. Nope, that one side still looks wonky, probably because human faces aren't exactly symmetrical. Relax. Take a deep breath. Have a quick drink. Try again. How the hell does Adele do this every goddamn day?

7. Mascara

Mascara was invented to draw attention to your eyelashes. If the eyes are the windows to the soul, then the lashes are spiderwebs in those windows. Ideally your lashes should be thick enough that they impinge slightly on your vision, but not so much that they weigh your lids down and make it impossible to hold your head up straight.

8. Blush

Blush gives your cheeks a pop of color that lets people know there is indeed blood running through your veins. Don't put it too high up on your face, bringing redness towards your eyes, or too low, dragging your face down and instantly aging you a thousand years.

9. Lipstick

Lipstick announces to the world, "Lips? Hell yeah, I have a couple of those, and I'm not afraid to show them!" You'll want to find a color flattering to your complexion, appropriate for the occasion at hand, and that will look good smeared on your teeth.

10. Setting powder

The last step: a light dusting of translucent powder will "set" your makeup, making it harder to smudge when you absentmindedly rub at your face because you've forgotten you're wearing any. Lock that shit in, yo.

Mom wins $16 million lawsuit against hospital because nurses tried to push her baby back in during delivery.

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Caroline Malatesta and her husband J.T. were just awarded $16 million in a lawsuit filed in 2014 against Birmingham, AL's Brookwood Baptist Medical Center. The couple say the hospital staff interfered with their natural childbirth plan when one of the nurses tried to push the crowning baby back into Malatesta's vagina. Pretty much the exact opposite of "natural."

The Malatestas chose Brookwood for the birth of their fourth child because the facility claimed that it promoted natural childbirth, promising birth tubs and wireless fetal monitoring. But when the time came, Malatesta's doctor was nowhere to be found. Instead, nurses forced her onto her back while one tried to keep the baby from being born until the doctor arrived by literally pushing it back inside her. COME ON NOW.

As a result, Malatesta suffers from a painful condition called pudendal neuralgia. She claims the hospital never gave her a satisfactory explanation for the whole ordeal. ​She told AL.com, "I had tried everything within my power to understand what happened from Brookwood's perspective and get answers. Unfortunately I felt like I didn't get any real answers. And they eventually just shut me out. That was when I realized the only option was litigation."

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