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3-year-old wails on the drums with a symphony orchestra.

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And you thought your toddler made a lot of noise.

When I read headlines like this, where a toddler is doing something extraordinary, I always think to myself, "Is he actually extraordinary, or just toddler extraordinary?"

This kid is actually extraordinary.

Here's 3-year-old Lyonya Shilovsky playing Offenbach’s “Orpheus in the Underworld” with a symphony orchestra, plus a few drum solos Offenbach would definitely have signed off on.

(by Myka Fox)


A woman's pilot was drunk, and United Airlines didn't even fill in the (INSERT SPECIFICS) on their apology letter.

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Real talk: I love specific items.

Oh, United Airlines. When will you ever learn (BASIC HUMAN VALUE)?

When redditor lyndy recently flew United, her pilot was (SYNONYM FOR SH*TFACED), and claims her final descent was terrifyingly fast. So after landing, she complained to United.

Naturally, this is a big deal for an airline, and they take this kind of complaint very (ADVERB). So (ADVERB), in fact, that they responded with an actual letter, typed up by a (SPECIES OF SENTIENT LIFE). Unfortunately the (SPECIES) who wrote this must have been a little (EUPHEMISM) him or herself, because they forgot to replace the (SPECIFICS) with actual inserted specifics.


Maybe they just couldn't bring themselves to type out the horrible (SPECIFIC EVENT).

Lyndy says that while United has a lot to answer for, she doesn't want to get the underling who was assigned to blow her off in trouble. It's one thing for a person who writes letters to be drinking on the job, but they're not risking an accidental reboot of (POPULAR 2000s TV SHOW ABOUT PLANE CRASH SURVIVORS). The low-ranking prole who wrote the letter did remember to sign it at the bottom, but their name has been removed for their protection.

Pretty much everyone who has seen this story has remarked that United should insert a (SHARP ITEM) into their (BODY CAVITY) and vigorously (VERB) themselves. Who knows, though, maybe if this story gets enough attention, lyndy will be contacted by a higher ranking customer service agent who will give her some really great (SPECIFICS).

(by Johnny McNulty)

Spell it out.

When someone likes my post on Twitter and Facebook it's like a validation threesome.

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Giulia RozziThu, 31 Jul 2014 12:07:45 EDT

When someone likes my post on Twitter and Facebook it's like a validation threesome.

Stupid dumbass takes a selfie with a bull, gets trampled (duh).

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Running with the bullshit.

This stupid dumbass was participating in Fêtes de Bayonne in France, a five day festival that includes running with bulls, and, despite there being a dude with a camera right in front of him (how else could we have gotten this footage), he decided he needed his own selfie. 

Because what's more life-affirming, intentionally escaping death, or taking a selfie with a bull so you'll have a sweet pic to get you laid on Tinder?

YouTube commenter Francois Hofer claims to be the dumbass in the video, and says he is glad the video "immortalized the moment" because "the stage video is better than just selfie ;)." 

Yes, he wrote that winky face. 

(by Myka Fox)

This baby can't stop laughing while getting a tongue bath from a pit bull.

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Don't worry, the dog is in no danger. (via)

For every great pit bull story, like one running around a softball field stealing gloves, or the baby and pit bull besties that nearly shut down the Internet due to cuteness overload, there are ten negative stories involving the breed that we don't need to link to because we've all heard them and they're usually the result of irresponsible humans who have no business owning a dog with the jaw strength of a bear trap. So...

In the interest of fairness, when there's a video as cute as the one involving a baby named Elliot getting a tongue bath from his baby sitter, Gemma the pit bull, it's only right that we do our part and post it. Also, if you hadn't noticed already, we're suckers for giggling babies around here.

The video comes from the insanely cute Instagram account of Gemma's owner, who is trying to raise the money required to get the dog surgery for something called Tibial-plateau-leveling osteotomy or TPLO. I don't know what that is, but I do know the procedure will allow Gemma and Elliot to continue doing things like this:

This...

And this...

So there's that. You can find out more about Elliot and Gemma here.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

An education blogger was fired for teaching students about homophones. Yes, you read that right.

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This is the kind of filth that Tim Torkildson puts on his blog. (via Tim Torkildson)

Homophones are words that sound the same, but have totally different meanings, and usually spellings. For example, "knight" and "night" are homophones. When people are learning English, it's important to tell them about homophones, because they are confusing as heck to non-native speakers. That's why Tim Torkildson wrote his very last blog post on the topic before getting fired by his employer, the Nomen Global Language Center, an English as a Second Language (ESL) school in Utah. As you can see from this photo, Mr. Torkildson is a real troublemaker:

The homophones blog post got Torkildson fired because "homo" is a homophone that can sometimes mean "gay." The idiot who fired Torkildson was Nomen's owner, Clarke Woodger, as in "woodger believe someone so stupid could run an educational business?"


English will take a female sheep higher? (via NomenGlobal.com)

Woodger fired Torkildson for making it appear as if Nomen was promoting a gay agenda. Seriously. Here's Torkildson's account, posted on his personal blog, of what transpired between himself and Woodger:

I don't know about you, but if I ever have to hire someone who learned English as a Second Language, I'm going to make sure it's not one of the idiots who sailed through this institute of higher learning.

In case you think this is just Torkildson's version of events, Woodger spoke with the Salt Lake Tribune, explaining that the school's students have a poor grasp of English: “People at this level of English,” Woodger says, “ … may see the ‘homo’ side and think it has something to do with gay sex.”

What level of English is Woodger at? Isn't part of teaching people English about getting them past the stage where they giggle like Beavis and Butthead just because a word contains "homo"? 

Should someone tell him about Homo Sapiens? Obviously, Woodger doesn't have to worry about being called one, but if he's going to be working with homo sapiens, maybe someone should tell him the basics.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Man tries to impress his lady-friend by jumping over a wall. It goes poorly.

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Girls don't even like acrobatics. They like magic shows. Everyone knows this. (Via) 

He's already got a flair for the flamboyant with his matching purple shirt and long-shorts. No way is he going to let that wall go unhurtled, not when there are lady eyes to watch him do it. This is his moment. He's a pretty, purple horsie and he's ready to leap!

The good news is, she's still willing to be seen with him (at least for the walk to the hospital). The bad news is, now his whole body's purple.

(by Bob Powers)


Old photos.

Virtual love.

Dog vs shark.

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This shark has an inflated sense of self. 

Just in time for Sharknado 2: The Second One, Maymo, the lemon beagle, has been trained to adequately protect you from air bound sharks, provided those sharks are remote controlled balloons. 

What follows is an epic battle, ripe for a campy science fiction blockbuster: Dog vs. shark!

Who. Will. Win.

???????????

So satisfying to watch that shark's life forces wheeze out of him. Such a good boy, Maymo! 

Now let's train him to get Tara Reid!


A sharknado could happ... no, Maymo, no! 

(by Myka Fox)

Old school.

This woman's party dance has people calling her "the best dancer on the Internet" for all the wrong reasons.

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The traditional party dance of the Trippichick Nation.

Considering there are cameras at every dance, party and concert, it takes something pretty special to snag the "best dancer on the Internet" title, even if it's just for a day. But this chick has definitely earned it.

The question is, what the hell year is this? The girl is wearing Bongo jeans and dancing to "Pump Up The Jam," yet she's surrounded by people with cell phones. It looks like a low-budget movie about a group of college kids who time-traveled back to the 80s to meet a young Elaine Benes.

She seems like a fun gal having a good time. And hopefully she's cool with the new title. But the video should serve as a warning to party people everywhere: If you happen to be getting your groove on and notice that everyone else has stopped dancing to grab their cell phones, there's a chance that you're a really good dancer. But there's also a chance you could wind up as that week's "best dancer on the Internet."

(by Jonathan Corbett)

Every fake text message prank ever.

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People be pranking! Especially over text message, where it's fun to text scary stuff to a wrong number and watch how people react. Sure, almost every time that transaction should quickly end with, "You have a wrong number and I don't know who you are, please stop." But no one's going to get praised as being a "masterful" wrong-number prankster by posting something boring and realistic like that on the web. That's why nearly every text message prank on the web is so obviously fake it feels a little sad.

To save valuable gigabytes of internet space, here's a template for every fake text message prank you've ever been told to read. Refer to this any time you need to see one of these again:

(by Bob Powers)

Someone made a song about the weirdest laws in every US state. Don't nod your head along in NH, it's illegal.

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I'd love to know how it first came up, but let's agree that this shouldn't be allowed. 

America's weirdest local laws have long been a stable of trivia books and viral Internet articles since the Web was in its infancy, but this may be the first attempt to put these bizarre codes to music. YouTube songsmith Jonathan Mann has been creating a song a day on his channel, and so he's had the chance to tackle a lot of subjects. When we last saw Mann, he was turning Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg's amazing dissent in the notorious 'Hobby Lobby' case into a protest song. So, the law is clearly one of his favorite subjects, even if today's topic is of slightly less monumental importance.

Mann took his list from a Wired article on the subject, and the photos come from Olivia Locher, who was featured in that article. Locher is a photographer and artist who is doing a photo series entitled "I Fought The Law" that illustrates these bizarre regulations and laws, showing how absurd they are. If you recognize the photos, it's because they have been popular on the Internet since 2012, and are used to illustrate pretty much every single article about weird laws that has been written since.


This is a combination of Born To Run and my childhood fantasies. (via Olivia Locher)

I can't wait for Mann to update the song in five years, when hopefully a new verse will read "And in Texas, it's still illegal to use marijuana." Sorry to single you out, Texas. Feel free to prove me wrong.

(by Johnny McNulty)


A ridiculously foul-mouthed woman is the star of the most hilarious cooking show on the entire Internet.

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Making some sweet shit for the kids.

It's not very often that we get the pleasure of seeing a genuine star on the rise. This is one of those rare moments. Let me introduce you to Auntie Fee, an ex-con, former crack addict, who, as of today, is the new top personality in the online culinary world. In this video, she's preparing... something. It doesn't have a name yet, motherfucker, shit. But it looks delicious. Who even cares about the food, though? I'd watch twenty minutes of Auntie Fee making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

And here's her lesson on using ramen and some steak to feed a family of seven...

Unfortunately, it seems like a bunch of motherfucking haters up on that page have been talking shit on Auntie Fee. So, she recruited one of her family members to respond to all the negativity:


Ugh! Don't screw this up, bitches who are saying negative things! We've been waiting years for an Auntie Fee to arrive on our YouTube. We need this!

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

CNN anchor perfectly sums up Fox News' approach to climate change in an NSFW tweet.

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Fox responded by imitating Weir's tweet in a high-pitched, girly voice.

It's not often that I feel the urge to congratulate a CNN anchor for...anything, really, but Bill Weir has earned my respect (or at least a 24-hour day pass to my respect) for name-calling. Well-deserved, totally appropriate name-calling. The incident occurred after FoxNation rehashed an article from the uber-conservative Washington Times which concluded that climate change is fake because it was kind of chilly when Al Gore handed out ice cream cones in Denver at a climate rally. Never mind that he was in the Rockies, or that weather has been super weird all summer, or that there's a horrifying drought west of the mountains, or most importantly that the weather on a singe day hasnothing to do with the larger picture. I think Bill Weir sums it up better, though. Sadly, he later felt the need to be polite:

Now, Bill Weir is not the most popular anchor in CNN history, and he has a history of verbal spats with Fox, but I still think he deserves kudos for this. I'm not going to sit here and tell you that CNN is a hotbed of quality journalism, but at least they're not Fox News. Studies repeatedly show that Fox News' audience knows less about current events than people who watch no news at all. To be fair, MSNBC is almost as bad. It's important to remember, though, that giving you the wrong idea on purpose is the whole point of Fox News. People who don't understand anything about climate change won't argue with businesses on the topic, keeping things nice and neat (and filthily polluted) for America's best corporate persons. 

On a lighter note, I now plan on mentally referring to anyone who works for that network in any capacity as a "willfully ignorant Foxstick." So, thanks for that, Bill!

(by Johnny McNulty)

Brian Williams announces his daughter will be playing Peter Pan like a very professional dad.

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The role she was born to "never grow up" to do!

Brian Williams announced on NBC Nightly News that his daughter, Allison Williams, will be taking a break from being the worst character on TV to assume the titular role in a reproduction of Peter Pan airing on the same network. 

Of course, Brian is a goddamn professional, and didn't just scream, "I'm so proud of the career I helped my daughter get!"

Not that she couldn't have done it on her own, but...

Instead, he's subtle. And kind of an embarrassing dad...

Now all we need is one of Tom Brokaw's spawn to play Tinkerbell and we got a show!

(by Myka Fox)

Chris Pratt talks about the time he showed Amy Poehler his penis.

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It was for acting!

Chris Pratt might be about to take over the world as lead guardian in Guardians of the Galaxy, and as the new Sam Neil/Jeff Goldblum/Human in next year's Jurassic World, but he was first welcomed into our hearts as lovable idiot "Andy" on Parks & Recreation. Last night on Seth Meyers, Chris shared the tale of the time "Andy" showed "Leslie" his "penis." (Or, penis. No quotes, it was his real penis.)

But it was for the benefit of the scene!

He's just method. Give him a break. Brando always went snake out and no one ever complained. He was snake out in every one of his scenes in Superman. Pratt's just emulating the greats.

(by Bob Powers)

A woman's beer cup got obliterated by a home run ball. See ya!

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Lady with a drinking problem.

Traditionally, when you're getting soaked in beer at a baseball park, it usually means you've won something, like a pennant or the World Series. In this case, the only thing the woman wearing the #42 jersey won is a week's worth of fame as the "lady who got soaked when her beer was obliterated by a home run ball."

When you first see the clip, you can't help but wonder how the woman at this Giants-Padres game wasn't able to react in time to somehow save her beer. Maybe she noticed that every guy within a ten-foot radius had their hands out as if they had a shot at catching the ball. By the time it dawned on her (see top) that the average fan is a terrible judge of these things - which is why they're in the stands and not on the field - and that the ball and her beer had a date with destiny, it was too late.

Beer being spilled is a baseball tradition. So you know it's a pretty epic splash when even MLB is sharing it on their Twitter feed. As one of the announcers put it, "That's a seven or eight dollar home run, right there." She's just lucky the ball didn't go six inches further and turn into $1200 dental bill.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

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