This may be a stock photo, but anyone who's ever called Comcast knows that it sends you to a very special Hell even uglier than that wallpaper.

Here's an important lesson for you: record every single call you make with large companies. It's the only chance you have to protect yourself from having your money stolen, especially by cable/Internet cartels like Comcast. We learned this last month when the world was shocked by a customer trying to leave his contract with Comcast, who was harassed by a "customer retention" representative who tried to force him to stay.

Tim Davis must have also learned a lesson from that recording, because when he called Comcast for service recently, he made sure to tape it. It was the only thing that stopped Comcast from just inventing charges and taking $180 from him for repairing a connection that they had messed up in the first place. He moved apartments, and brought with him his Comcast modem (he wanted to switch companies, but of course there were no other options), only to discover that there was a problem on Comcast's end with the Internet connection. They said they'd send someone out for free. Someone came out. It was not for free—they made up a bunch of charges blaming him for the problems, totaling $182. I'd describe it more but I'm already too full of rage. Skip to 2:30 if you don't want to hear the set-up to the story.

There are no companies worse than cable and Internet companies. Yes, there are companies that manufacture weapons that kill thousands of people every day, but that's the business they're in. Cable companies are in the business of delivering ones and zeroes to your home. That's not where they make their money, though. They make their money through their side business of f*cking you over and robbing you blind with fees, while simultaneously rigging the law to prevent competition and even making it illegal for townships to install superior infrastructure. American Internet speeds are a fraction of those in other developed nations, and yet we pay out the nose for that terrible service. Why? Well, maybe it's because Verizon, AT&T, Time Warner and Comcast spent $12.2 million lobbying Congress just during the first quarter of 2014. Instead of, I don't know, installing fiber optic cable.

This is a real quote. I recorded him saying it. (It's not a real quote.)

Comcast does not deserve to be in business. American capitalism is about competition, not abusing customers and rigging the law to preserve monopolies. 30% of Americans only have one option in their area for Internet service, and many of the remaining 70% only have a false choice (in New York City, home to 2.5% of Americans, there are several companies but no choice—your service provider is determined by which company has a monopoly in your building). 

Man, Comcast sucks. Not like Time Warner, which is the monopoly that I am forced to use. Good old Time Warner! Please don't cut off my Internet, Mr. Warner.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Apparently, all these peasants want me to wave at them.

Apparently, this kid has never been on the Internet before. Just kidding: he and his adorable local news interview about an amusement park ride took over the Internet last week. Even though his inflection was monotone, his speech pattern was hilariously sincere and intense as he explained not only how the ride made you dizzy, but how he had never been on TV before and how he gets handed the remote after grandpa watches Powerball. 

And since this was technically on the news, it was a fair target for schmoyoho's Songify the News to give it the same treatment given to Barack Obama and Mitt Romney during the 2012 election. Congratulations, kid. You are (for this week, anyway) as important as the Commander in Chief to the Internet. Apparently.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Written by Dan Abromowitz. Follow him on Twitter.

Designed by Cole Mitchell

"Turns out I'm allergic to cats!"

It's hard to tell if this Jack Russell Terrier loves the new kitten more than anything in the world, or hates the idea of having a sibling so much that he protests in the form of a complete freakout, culminating in a failed suicide attempt off the couch.

Meanwhile, the kitten is probably wondering if it's too late to be taken back to the pound, where it will at least be able to experience a few moments of peace before it dies.

Those of us who spend way too much time watching animal videos know that these situations usually work themselves out. The dog should relax and enjoy this honeymoon period while it lasts, because there's a good chance that in a few months he'll be afraid to go down the stairs.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

5. Anyone who likes being hot for James Franco but cannot get turned on by surfer dudes.

You loved him for his good looks combined with his artistic impulses and unpredictability. Also he seemed pretty open sexually, and did you already mention his good looks? You did not love him because he looked like one of the douchier extras from Blue Crush. How much are you supposed to take from this guy? He can do soap operas and naked Seth Rogen paintings and sweaty bathroom selfies, but the surfer look? That's just one step too far. Luckily, he'll probably look completely different tomorrow when he shows up in some billboard ad for a local dentist or whatever his next goofball project will be.

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4. This guy who got stabbed in the head by a sky knife.

热点文章：《天降飞刀插入大爷头部 只剩刀柄在外头(图)》 http://t.co/F02WoTvXiU原站链接：http://t.co/3bE0C9sqkepic.twitter.com/P4eTu4UkuZ

— 微汇报 (@weihuibao) August 8, 2014

57-year-old Yunzhi Xiao was taking a stroll through his hometown of Guangyuan in China when he was attacked by a sky knife. Xiao said he felt a "very heavy weight" on his head, and continued walking in pain until a street vendor yelled at him, "There is a knife in your head!” Apparently, the knife had flown down 8 stories from a a balcony garden. Some people got him to a hospital where the knife was removed hours later. 

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3. Everyone who wanted that to be Idris Elba's dick.

Friday, in an article entitled "No, that is not Idris Elba's dick", we guessed that that photo of Idris Elba's dick was not a photo of Idris Elba's dick. Today, sadly, Elba confirmed our suspiscion on his twitter account

The good news is i got a shit load of followers. The bad news is, that is a mic wire. #egowentintospaceshipmodethough

— Idris Elba (@idriselba) August 9, 2014

So the giant dong we saw was just the impression from a mic wire. You gotta congratulate him on the wonderful imagery of his hashtag #spaceship #keepitup

Just because Idris Elba's dick is not his dick, it doesnt mean he wouldn't be willing to go along with the idea for the benefit of Calvin Klein and everyone who really wanted that to be his dick

Calvin Klein called my mobile, they want me in their next campaign. Foot long john's Coming Winter 2014. #egowentintospaceshipmodethough

— Idris Elba (@idriselba) August 9, 2014

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2. The guy who was arrested while competing against cops in a donut-eating competition

North Carolina man Bradley Herbert Hardison had warrants out for two break-ins when he broke into the donut-eating contest at Elizabeth City Police Department's National Night Out Against Crime. By the time the cops wiped the sugar from their eyes, they noticed that the man who beat them with 8 donuts in two minutes was a criminal they had been trying to put in the hole. Hardison was arrested on the spot with his original charges, plus additional charges of breaking and entering and felony larceny.

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1. Anyone hoping to get through the day without seeing an Instagram pic of Miley Cyrus peeing on a tree.

Sucks to be you. But for those who are kind of into it, congrats on having a really great start to the week, pervs!

(by Myka Fox and Bob Powers)

The very moment this kid's life started going off the rails.

You ever have one of those dreams in which you're dressed as up as a giant hotdog, and you're racing two other enormous anthropomorphic hotdogs for the entertainment of a stadium full of baseball fans, but your mustard-colored pants keep falling down to your ankles and you continuously fall down over and over and over again? Yeah, this one right here:

The waking nightmare you're witnessing here happened to some poor kid during a "Hot Dog Derby" at the Kansas City Royals' Kauffman Stadium. The way this works is three small children with an apparent excess of self-esteem get shoved into some hot dog costumes—colored yellow, red and green, for mustard, ketchup and relish—and are then coaxed into a foot race for all the drunk adult people in the stadium to enjoy.

The pants-falling-down part isn't an official aspect of the "Hot Dog Derby." It's just a fortunate occurrence that happens now and then. This young man is just fortuitous enough to be the one it went viral on.

I have a feeling that this kid's gonna make some lucky psychologist very happy one day.

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

By the way, our top speed is still really slow compared to other rich nations.

Broadview Networks created this map of Internet speeds in every state (which I'm sure they did for wholly altruistic and non-business-related reasons), and the results are pretty interesting. Well, one result in particular: Washington, D.C. has much faster speeds than every state except Virginia, Delaware, Massachusetts, and Rhode Island. Virginia is also #1 by a large margin. This is interesting because people in government work in D.C. and live in Virginia (for the most part). So, basically, every lawmaker who takes telecom lobbying dollars and ignores nationwide complaints that our Internet is much, much slower than the rest of the developed world is, by definition, getting better Internet than you are. 

So, don't get your hopes up any time soon that DC will take steps to improve competition in this industry, or get telecoms to make the infrastructure improvements they've promised for decades, or that Comcast will ever have a reason not to treat you like dirt (unless you're recording them). Those companies not only pay enough in lobbying dollars to make sure their lobbyists become the head of the FCC (which is why net neutrality is going away and you'll have to pay to use popular websites), they also only upgrade Internet services where powerful people live, ensuring that those powerful people have no idea how crappy your connection really is. They probably also don't care that 30% of Americans only have one option in their area for Internet. Hooray for competition.

Here's the rest:

(by Johnny McNulty)

My dearest, darling, douchebag... (Via Aaron Rush)

Aaron Rush is a poor student with a working printer, and he wants his douchebag bike back, douchebag. 

According to an interview with BuzzFeed, he'd had his douchebag bike stolen from a train station a couple miles from where he works in King's Langley, England. In lieu of going the traditional route of calling the cops, Rush posted this note he left for the douchebag bike thief, along with this description on his Instagram page, "My bike got #stolen from work, insurance should cover it, but I figured I'd try getting it back first..." 

He's going rogue. 

As the note states, this was not his first time getting ripped off by a douchebag, and instead of investing in bigger and bigger locks or an ACME booby trap, he inserted a tracking device into the frame of his Giant douchebag bike. Now he's holding the douchebag bike thief's home location as ransom until his douchebag bike is returned. Of course, as with any good ultimatum, there is a time limit of one week before he involves Prince Harry (he is, after all, her majesty's "finest").

Unfortunately, despite the attempt to outwit the villain, BuzzFeed reports that even though the douchebag bike thief was a douchebag, he was not a dumbass, and was able to disable the tracker. It will also take about four weeks to get the douchebag's image from the cameras so, in all likelihood, that bike is gone, and so is that bag of douche. 

Good thing he has insurance. 

(by Myka Fox)

I'm surprised the phone isn't an Android.

Dildos. Tampons. Grandparents. Butts. What do these things have in common? They are often in the backgrounds of photos taken by people who leave their dildos, tampons, old people and naked butts out so often they didn't even notice that they were there. As more and more of our lives are captured in photos and videos, the risk of our embarrassing personal items/body parts continues to rise, until finally we'll be forced to hide all of our embarrassing things before we turn on our devices every morning because the world is one giant webcam. On the other hand, it won't be all bad because we'll get to look at everyone else's embarrasing stuff. Like these folks:

It took me a long time to realize that Georgia was a dog.
I just thought that was a really rude way of describing this part of Georgia.

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You should also do it for the love of dog, because they don't like being merkins.

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Stacks 'n stacks 'n stacks of high-quality printer paper.

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Her skin issues require being surrounded by tons of healthy skin.
Also, don't think it's a dude. 

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I don't know who any of these people are, but I'm mostly interested in Bigfoot. 

IT SAYS "MUD." MUD. IT'S A MAKEUP BRAND. LOOK IT UP. "MUD," THAT IS!

Updated 7/7/14:

But when I say it's just the pants making it look that way, no one believes me.

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Consider it a preview of everything before potty training is done.

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I can't tell if he's being dangled or retrieved.

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Say what you will, this kid will grow up to be great on social media. 

All the ladies are wearing them at the Kentucky Derby these days.

Technically that's in the foreground, but it started in the background, and they
really should have checked.

Updated 6/6/14:

I hope they checked the caliber of his diaper before doing that.(via)

To be fair, this guy is kind of a dick for making this photo all about him. (via)

Man, there's just boobs coming out of the woodworks these days. (via)

5 minutes later he walked by again. And then 5 minutes after that. And so on.(via)

Bonus TV background checks:="text-align:>

Raising the bar, dude. Raising the bar.

Not technically uploaded online, but someone should have cut away here. (via)

Updated 5/5/14:

Selfies really do reveal a lot more about you than you intend. (via)

I guess they got two copies so their kids can watch a dvd that's never been seen by
someone smoking a crack pipe. (via)

A great part of traveling is seeing how other people behave on the beach.(via)
 

Son, you'll always remember when I took your picture tonight in my tighty-whiteys. (via)
 

I'm more interested in meeting the people behind you and to the left. (via)
 

Someone has really thought of everything for tonight, not even including the Miller High Lifes,
clothes hangers and remotes. (via) 
 

That's a cute top. That, on the other hand, is a horrifying bottom. (via)

Updated 4/2/14:

Just a long, curved toothbrush holder in case she needs to freshen up at the dance. (via)
 

She should've checked her background in real life, as well.(via)
 

Ah. The romance of what is hopefully Europe.(via)
 

Either way, these two are exhibiting great teamwork.(via)
 

Sweater made me think bowling alley, but now I'm more worried 'cuz it looks like Denny's.
(via)

I'm more concerned about that old dude barging in like that. (via)
 

Apparently, the person who posted this had it on their fridge for years before noticing.(via)
 

Updated 3/5/14:

Small and available beats huge and nonexistant. (via)
 

Sometimes even white linen suits could stand to be a little breezier. (via)
 

This is a brief way of summing up college. (via)
 

In case you ever wondered what happened to the guy who built a 6-foot bong in college. (via)
 

Road Rassh. (via) 
 

Someone's nephew wanted to share his video game stats.  He also shared his love of
beautiful, sensual women who love the same thing. Also, he is not TechnoViking. (via)

Updated 1/07/14:

If you turn the picture upside down, you can see the same shape between the glasses. (via)
 

Goodbye University, Hello Unemployableness! (via)
 

I can't believe this creep is wearing sunglasses indoors. (via)
 

It turns out Christians find cows holy after all. (via)
 

We must all be on the lookout for small men riding our family members. (via)
 

Yeah, you're probably not going to have 147 updates anymore once this gets out. (via)

Updated 11/18/13:

The ass is coming from inside the house.
 

Can we talk about the angle of that woman's arm? Definitely more disturbing than the coke.
 

I now realize all my friends' annoying gym statuses could be a lot worse.
 

And why shouldn't Grandma be proud? Those muscles are made of her cooking.
 

Only in New York! Or, wherever this is. Only in wherever, am I right?
 

The really weird thing? It's not a mirror, it's a window! DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNN.

Updated 10/14/13:

I don't care if she is a little tall, young lady, you do not call a giraffe your grandma.
 

I assume we're all laughing at his Wall of Hats.
 

Oh my god, are those Uggs back there? That is revolting.
 

I'm pretty sure that man just successfully shoplifted some produce in his pants.
 

Can we talk about how wearing sunglasses is already like blurring your eyes?
 

More like the cat should have checked the foreground of his picture, am I right?

Updated 9/12/13:

Oh, hello Robin Thicke. Is sliding fingers up not-your-wife's butt a blurred line?
 

Why does he think people on the subway want to see that shade of blue?
 

There are times I'm glad the zoom technolgies on CSI are impossible.
 

The pre-show was them making violent threats from the casting couch.
 

Who just leaves bottled water out in the open like that?

Updated 8/09/13:

It's like a Calvin and Hobbes sticker come to life.
 

These bees have weird stingers. 
 

Could it be more disturbing? Try to rule out the possibility that it's a dead deer. See?
 

That is not a ladies' room, and suddenly the whole world is in question.
 

No wonder that man in the back doesn't need to care what he looks like.
 

I'm pretty sure the Wizard is in there too, but I can't find him!

Updated 7/18/13:

Good question, person who inserted that arrow. Who needs that much generic Immodium?
 

I guess the guy in the background is grabbing the gun in his underwear.
 

The dress says a night out. The item on the dresser suggests otherwise.
 

Granted, modesty doesn't seem to be the theme of whatever show they're prepping.
 

Ah, 2007. An more innocent time when people just let their dildos hang out wherever.
 

Folow-up question: his ball, where is it? 

Updated 6/21/13:

They're like cleavage twins, except one of the twins is way less attractive.
 

Those kangaroos took the only shot they had at making a sex tape involving Paris Hilton.
 

That woman is riding a mechanical bull, FYI, not receiving oral sex from Satan.
 

The fourth leg of any good triathalon involves a marathon ball-scratching session.
 

We understand, rocker lady. Bassists never get the groupies.
 

It's unclear whether or not he's peeing, but he's clearly not in the bathroom.

Updated 5/23/13:

What makes this exponentially worse is he was being interviewed about the Boston bombing.

Why are his shades pixelated but not his ass in the mirror?
 

"And in the back, you can see James doing his pre-workout cleanse." (pause at 00:21)
 

Love and marriage, love and marriage, they go together like a baby and dru-ugs.
 

Is that the same pink dildo the Boston guy had?
 

Guess there's more than one stuffed animal in this house. HEY-O. Sorry.
 

Maybe instead of Facebook you should upload this to, we don't know, the police?
 

We're glad everything cleared up in time for you.
 

It is not a nice day for a white wedding.
 

No, Mitch. We all lost, thanks to you.

"That's so funny, because I lick your pens too!" (via)

Adults are basically just children who've grown fat, watched their dreams die, and learned to shrink from confrontation. So it follows that the modern workplace is just as petty and territorial as your typical elementary school playground, except there's a lot less spitting and hair-pulling, and a lot more bitchy note-writing. The most successful workplace notes strive to entertain just as much as they impolitely advise and chastise, and the notes collected here are some of the best of the medium.

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Recurring dreams go in the blue bin.(via)

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Nice thought, especially considering the source.(via)

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You'd think at this point it would be up for grabs.(via)

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Thanks, but that doesn't really solve the problem. (via)

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It's not what you think - a guy named "Jack" took a half-day.
To masturbate.(via)

Updated 8.11.14

Episode VIII: The Cubicle Menace. (via)

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Caution: Faint while using the urinal and you'll never hear the end of it.(via)

Gas station spelling error. It's supposed to say "Pimp 6."(via)

For Rachel's sake, I hope she's leaving.(via)

Asking for trouble in a mostly female office.(via)

"Wide awake... staring at this blank screen." (via)

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Who do I see about getting a glass of milk?(via)

That is one low bar for "nice things."(via)

Keep it up and the printer will outlast you.(via)

"Thanks for reminding me.. to let it gooooo!"(via)

Don't encourage them!(via)

 Never forget 5.05.14 (via)

Updated 6.10.14

"I'd actually prefer to speak with your commanding officer." (via)

So you're saying it's organic? (via)

Someone's making this way too complicated. (via)

Time to strat over. (via)

Saying goodbye with cat litter box cake.(via)

"Oh my God! I'm spilling my coffee everywhere!"(via)

Thanks! How about an aisle traffic report? (via)

And productivity is down.(via)

This must not be the first time the pot was left empty.(via)

"Yes! I can do this!"(via)

This is the storyboard for Taken 9: Office Hijinks.(via)

Two weeks later I bet it's still sitting there. (via)
 

Updated 4/16/14

"You mean the one with the reindeers and all the fingerprints?" (via)

Also good for sending passive aggressive messages to grimy coworkers.(via)

Whether it's toilet seats or soup, no one likes a cold bowl.(via)

As an optimist, I'm guessing cupcake.(via)

One is obviously for the personal use of the genius who wrote the note. (via) 
 

Ew! He didn't even lift up the seat! (via)

Coffee burn!(via)

Lee should report Steve's "XO" to HR. (via)

As an optimist, I see the sink as half-empty.(via)

It's "demasiado," dum-mas. (via)

Every picture tells a story. This one looks disgusting. (via)

I guess "please flush" wasn't doing the trick.(via)

Updated 2/10/14:

Please make sure your kitchen notes adhere to AP style, thx. (Via)

Easier than trying to figure out what that little icon on the tray is supposed to mean.(Via)

Fine, we'll pass the time by touching each other.(Via)

Betting those messy dishes are less unsightly than a wall full of memes.(Via)

Of course she did. Even expired Rolos are still better than non-expired everything else. (Via)

Well, Luke, thanks for all the hours you've logged. (Via)

Updated 11/19/13:

All is forgiven, Lee. Easy on the sprinkles next time. This isn't kindergarten. (Via)

Printers don't have mothers. They burst forth from hell and land directly on Best Buy shelves.(Via)

They need to stop hiring out-of-work wizards onto the cleaning staff.(Via)  

Darcy might have an eating disorder. Or he needs a raise. (Via)

Bet they have to put up a new sign come January.(Via)

I'd never complain about meetings running long if they were run by Bussiness Cat. (Via)

Update 10/16/13:

Still doesn't look secure. He should have put the filing cabinet on top of it for weight.

Guess some people like to make signs at the urinal instead of conversation.

A pen so awesome it will make you racist against yourself.

A delicious treat and it makes you regular? Sign us up!

Don't fall for the sign. They eat donuts really awkwardly too.

I like this office. They don't mess around.

Updated 9/19/13:

...and coffee is the only thing that puts us back together.

She went out of her way to make such a nice sign. She porbably appreciates the notes.

Probably a restaurant. Anyone with a special "pasta fridge" in their office has no right to be angry.

No, honey, I haven't been kissing anyone. I've just been stealing food.

Did she spell "highness" wrong? Or "You're"?

Worst. Day care center. Ever.

Updated 8/20/13:

I'd brew me. I'd brew me so hard.

Offices shouldn't be telling us how to love!

Open casket. It woud have wanted it that way.

The signs are breeding.

Say yes indeed to weed.

They really need to clean that vending room if it's got a groundhog problem.

Updated 7/24/13:

Alert. Pointless Signs!

If you'd taught the kitten to attack, the Tupperware thief would have been dead already.

Hopefully our time machines will be more reliable than our copy machines.

We all have our signature style.

The TL;DR version of the above.

Speak for yourself. My nickels give me balance.

Updated 6/27/13:

Physician, heal thyself.

You've got to really love stealing office equipment if you're taking the drains.

We'd risk our job for half an oreo.

Side-note: Keurig coffeee is always horrible. We'd quit if they started making us use those K-cups.

So medium-sized poos are cool?

If you know the author of this sign, withold your love from them. They are undeserving of love.
 

Updated 5/31/13:

Thanks for the choices! We'll take option B.

This is why we don't let our utensils date.

Follow the old ladies. They know where the comfier chairs are.

Or just burst in. It's adorable watching them scurry under their desks.

But we took the red pill! You have no choice when you work in an office.

Updated 4/11/13:

You mean besides cut-up chickens, pigs, cows, and probably horses if this is Europe?

"Pardon me, I was just wondering where I could get one of those signs!"
 

Some people give a shit; others take them without warning during the work day.
 

Office communications are so much clearer when there's clearly no HR.
 

Sounds like a cheesy cheddar challenge! ...aaaand there's a fire.
 

That chair wanted to hold the ass of a big start-up entrepeneur, but she got an IT guy.

Updated 3/11/13:

This is why we microchipped all our pens. Too many sickos out there.
 

Memes: The best passive-aggressive retort there is.

Maybe we should all just switch to "Ur" for everything and stop embarrassing ourselves.

I'm sorry. Your husband didn't put a lid on his reheated pasta. Now you have to pay.

He might have fun. He might also discover who he was meant to be.

This note is also works great when you put it on the office door of your least favorite coworker.

Updated 1/28/13:

When will Serge and Wendall stop this bickering and realize they're in love...with pee?

Please try to achieve the level of joylessness that's expected of you.

The plate kidnapped itself, Lebowski. It owed crumbs all over town.

We were going to drop some M-80s down its drain, but the sledgehammer sounds fun too.

If our workplace instituted this rule we'd strike.

The zombie thing is cute, but does the original sign mean you could really lose your job for eating someone's hot pocket?

Updated 12/10/12:

That stuff really works, btw. We can steal Karen's yogurt whenever we want now!

It's worth the $18/hour. Sandra is an absolutely scintillating conversationalist. You'll weep.

That drain sucks!

They still don't know who shot that room.

Matt doesn't have a whole lot going on for himself right now.

These facility repairs will be seen as cheesy at first, but will attain a cult status when they hit video.

Fran will devote the rest of her days to making you shit too much.

Updated 10/10/12:

"Did you see Homeland last night? It made me reflect on Plato's Cave and ideal forms." 

The prophet Isiah said one day a female Messiah shall deliver women from Aunt Flo.
 

Dietary harassment is a growing problem in the modern, fat workforce.
 

That mug is the reason local news now shows Ceramic Alerts.
 

Something tells us that guy likes to push everyone's buttons a lot.
 

After all, if you don't throw out the box, no one else can put in food to steal.
 

That lack of self-control also applies to resisting the urge to write passive-agressive notes.

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CNN: We know little about Robin Williams' death and won't mindlessly speculate. Here are literally 37 people we pay to mindlessly speculate.

Lets turn this international flight into a domestic dispute.

A woman was arrested Sunday at Halifax Stanfield International Airport because she ran onto the tarmac in an attempt to stop a plane she believed her husband was taking to see another woman. 

According to The Chronicle Herald, the woman displayed a modicum of sanity at first, and approached the someone at the airline counter and asked them to stop the plane because she was sure her husband was trying to meet up with another woman. When it became apparent that the folks at the counter were not going to help her with her reasonable request, she found her way onto the tarmac by climbing over a three-foot barbed wire fence. 

“She ended up going onto the bigger runway and she was essentially wandering around there,” and employee said. “She was literally going to try to stop the plane.”

Even though an airport authority worker managed to snatch the crazed woman and get her into a truck, she opened the truck door and screamed out of it, so the employees had to subdue her. They don't say how she was subdued, but with any luck, they gave her the classic pre-takeoff ritual of one Valium and a couple of those tiny bottles of vodka.

Authorities contacted her husband, he claims he wasn't even on the plane. Whoops!

Apparently, Canada goes easy on women who breach security at international airports if it is even remotely possible their husband is cheating on them, because the Mounties say they will not press charges. 

(by Myka Fox)

3 Reasons Robin Williams Shouldn't Have Killed Himself 1 No one should 2 We loved him 3 He's apparently being remembered for Mrs. Doubtfire

And now, out of respect, a millisecond of silence.

Shepard Smith has apologized in a statement for speculating on-air how Robin Williams could be "such a coward" as to commit suicide and leave his adult children behind in this world. It was that remark that got attention, but a moment earlier he wondered whether there was something "so horrible" inside Williams that would drive him to do this and then a moment later he said that Williams had "more fun" than most people, and then immediately talked about him getting high. 

This is not exactly unusual for Fox News, which has a tendency to treat actors and writers roughly after they die, although usually they reserve that treatment for more explicitly liberal icons—not people like Williams who were almost universally liked. Most notably, when writer Kurt Vonnegut died, reporter James Rosen mocked him as "rich and irrelevant" and a "failure at suicide." 

Now, I know that suicide is a topic that is very controversial, especially given its status as a terrible sin in Christianity. Science tells us that mental illness and suicidal tendencies are much more complicated than we once thought, and certainly not an act of selfishness as it was once portrayed. I also realize that Smith had to fill airtime talking about a difficult topic. I just wish, since the rest of the media gives Smith a pass for working for a company that won't let him be really honest with his audience, he had chosen a different word. Here's Smith's full statement, which he gave on the phone to Mediaite:

I spent an entire hour talking about how much this man affected people’s lives and brought greatness to this world. I was just wondering aloud what could have made this man want to end it all. And it reminds us that we all have responsibility as friends and neighbors to help take responsibility to prevent this from happening. There are people who process suicide as a black-and white-issue. I don’t process anything as black-and-white.

I was sorry to read online the people who see the world in a black-and-white way, and to suggest that they might have a definitive analysis of why he did such a thing. What I wanted to do is celebrate his life and find some meaning in our own lives, since we often do know someone who is reaching out, and we have a responsibility to help that person — maybe a phone call or a door knock is in order.

But no matter how you process it: Look at what this family is going through. I would never presume to know anything about his private life. And if any of his family members and friends were to have seen me use the word “coward,” I would be horrified. I would just to apologize to the end of the earth to anyone who might think that I meant to openly call him a coward.

To the core of my being, I regret it. It just came out of my mouth. And I’m so sorry. And to anyone and their families who see that, I am sorry.

If it wasn't Smith, I probably wouldn't even have noticed. But he's one of the only Fox personalities who is known to have a conscience. I'm glad it hasn't been totally snuffed out.

If you'd like to see a much classier example of handling terrible news, you can see how Conan O'Brien handled hearing about Williams' passing at the end of taping his show last night.

(by Johnny McNulty)