And like so many innovators, in getting it "all wrong," maybe she found a new way to be right? The clam chowder challenge does have a better ring to it. If we opened it up to soups in general, it would add another level to things, dictating which soups your friends have to shower themselves with. Considering this is a pretty mild winter for much of the U.S., some nice soup showers might be welcome. Anything to add a little variety to the endless barrage of soaking wet Facebook friends screaming in their backyards.

(by Bob Powers)

Always remember. Quickly forget.

Who could forget the moment they learned that MIley Cyrus' dog, a husky named Floyd, passed away? It seems like it was only yesterday.

But for me it was actually earlier today, when Miley posted a video on her Instagram account of a gigantic friendship-beaded bong constructed in loving memory of her dead pet. According to the description, the blinking, fake plant and toy covered monstrosity is "a collab with my fucking beyond kiewl fanz."

Let's assume that in Miley's world, the word "kiewl" means "stoned," and the word "fanz" means "9-year-olds at a very liberal summer camp."

This is what commenters have to say about the memorial art that is decorated with inspirational words like "Floyd" and "Weed" and takes 15 seconds of video to see completely:

and...

But don't take their word for it. See for yourself!

Bong RIP, Floyd

She also describes it as a "5 foot bong almost complete."

Almost? What's missing? A luge for melted ice cream to land in a bowl of Froot Loops?

If that bong is going to get a Froot Loop ice cream luge, it almost seems worth it to get a dead dog.

(by Myka Fox)

Sharon Standifird will not be ignored. (via ABC7)

Are you a parent who feels bad because you embarrassed your kid by dragging them out of a party in front of everyone? Well, after reading this, you may feel a whole lot better about yourself, because Sharon Standifird has just announced her candidacy for the title of least popular mom on the planet.

Standifird has created an app that allows parents to remotely shut down a kid's phone as punishment if the child is ignoring their calls or texts. Once the phone is shut down, it can only call approved numbers and 911, in case the kid feels so victimized by your control issues they decide to get the cops involved.

Here's how it works: First, you have a child who is giving you the silent treatment and no longer takes your threats seriously, to the point that when you call, they look at their phone in disgust, rolling their eyes and complaining to their friends about how much they hate you for expecting the courtesy of having your calls returned on the phone you bought for them.

Next, install "Ignore No More" on both your phones. Then, the next time your child ignores your call, press the code into your phone, and your child will have no choice but to call you back to inform you that they were totally busy doing something perfectly acceptable that didn't involve you in any way and they can't wait to turn eighteen because maybe then you'll stop treating them like they're ten-years old! Or something like that.

You'll know it's working when your child smashes their phone. (via ABC7)

Standifird served in the Gulf War and has climbed Mount Kilimanjaro, and is the kind of proactive mom who doesn't have time for a lot of teenage bullshit. So when her kids started ignoring her calls, she decided to do something about it and called a software developer, who helped turn her dream into a reality by creating every rebellious teen's worst nightmare.

The app is currently only available for Android phones and Google play and costs $1.99. If your child has an iPhone, don't worry, Standifird is developing for that platform as well. So tell your kids they may as well start taking your calls, because soon there will be no place to hide.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

5. People with heart conditions or severe sensitivity to cold who nevertheless love joining in on social media trends.

The Ice Bucket Challenge has already raised millions for ALS research, and has pretty much dominated your social media feeds during these slow end-of-summer days. But what of those people who can't participate? Sure, they can send in their money like a normal, humbly charitable person. But they don't get to garner likes with a goofy video showing off their hot swimsuit bod, do they? Perhaps a challenge is in order to benefit those poor souls who feel left out by challenges. Let's start spreading The Sitting In A Comfortable Chair In A Well Air-Conditioned Room challenge [catchy hashtag TK]. Everyone who participates donates $100. I'd go $200 if the chair's a recliner.

.

4. Everyone in Ferguson, and everyone whose hope dies a little more every time they read about Ferguson.

(Image via Getty)

So now the National Guard is being sent in to clean up the mess left by the state troopers who were sent in to clean up the mess made by the police. Considering that so much of the hostility erupted in response to a police force that was outfitted like the military, sending in actual military to act like a police force probably isn't going to end very well.

.

3. Expecting parents who like money.

A new report out today finds that kids cost a shitload of cash. In this case, the definition of "shitload" is a quarter-million dollars. The average expense of raising a kid has risen 1.8% to $245,230. Luckily, though, that's spread out over the course of 18 years, before the second quarter-million* you'll have to shell out over the next four years for the kid to go to college.

*This is assuming you send your child to a state school or other non-profit college with reasonable tuition. Eighteen years from now, $250 grand will be the low-end of higher education costs, while top schools will likely raise their costs so that you can only pay tuition by turning over ownership of private islands and/or giving the university controlling shares of major corporate entities.

.

2. Anyone who hates Coldplay and loves Jennifer Lawrence. In other words, everyone.

On Friday, Page Six reported that Jennifer Lawrence is dating recently uncoupled Gwyneth ex Chris Martin. That's right, Jennifer Lawrence likes the singer from Coldplay, not you. She probably even says stuff like, "I love the new album of Coldplay music, honey. And I'm really attracted to you, the person who sang those Coldplay songs." And Chris Martin probably says, "Seriously?" Then they kiss kisses that you'll never feel.

.

1. The editor who just found out that Lindsay Lohan's memoir is going to be a trilogy.

Lindsay Lohan is writing a memoir, which means some poor editor is going to be tasked with the impossible job of suggesting myriad different ways to write the phrase, "And then I woke up and had no idea where I was." Depressing enough, but that editor probably thought this book would be no big deal. Just a half-assed tell-all that ends up being slightly longer than Lindsay's purported sex list. Imagine that editor earlier today when it was announced that 28-year-old Lindsay believes her story has the meat to be stretched out over the course of three volumes. Considering how slowly publishing can move, that means the books could be printed over the course of three years. Three whole years of a career spent correcting the spelling of the Lindsay Lohan story. Imagine it, and enjoy your own job a little more today.

(by Bob Powers)

Incarception.

Robert Burt, a 19-year-old Maine resident, was arrested for a DUI back in June. For that offense, he was sentenced to spend 48 hours in Somerset County Jail, which he served earlier this month. When he showed up for his two days of court-ordered incarceration, he was wearing a t-shirt featuring the mugshot from his initial arrest, along with the words: "Burt Family Reunion 8/8 – 8/10/2014." So I suppose means that there was at least one other member of the Burt clan residing in the facility at the time.

And just in case you're worried that young Mr. Burt wasn't taking this drunk driving offense as seriously as he maybe should, don't worry. According to the shirt, he went to the trouble of getting the reunion "sponsored by Bud Light and Somerset County Sheriff," so he clearly put in some administrative effort into the whole ordeal.

Utilizing state-of-the-art predictive computer imaging software, we at Happy Place are proud to release what we believe Robert Burt's next mugshot might look like. Remember you saw it here first:

.

And here's what Burt's next-next mugshot might look like:

Unfortunately, that's where we reach the limits of modern technology. There is currently no way to guess at what his next-next-next mugshot might look like. Maybe one day, but sadly not today.

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

No dogs were harmed in the faking of this death. (Via SWNS)

23-year-old Brit Alex Lanchester went to Connecticut for college where she fell in love with Tucker Blandford, also 23. His name alone should have been a dead giveaway about what a wet turd he was going to turn out to be. 

According to Metro, Blandford proposed to his sweet, naive girlfriend before she moved back to her hometown with the plan that they would be married August 15th. As the date approached, Blandford realized he was a wet juicy turd who neither wanted to get married nor face the reality of breaking things off -- so he faked his own death. 

Or, rather, he did the wet turd version of faking a death by doing the Jerky Boys equivalent and pretended to be his own dad when calling Lanchester to deliver the sad news. He did a fake voice and everything. According to the The Mirror, the phone call went like this:

[RING RING]

Alex: Hello?

Wet Turd: Alex, this is Tucker’s dad. There’s no easy way to say this… I am sorry to say that Tucker is dead. He'd been suffering from depression and had thrown himself in front of a car.

Alex was naturally upset, but managed to pull herself together to send condolences to Wet Turd's mom. That's when the worst-planned fake death immediately fell apart. 

Blandford's (Wet Turd's) mom picked up the phone and was not only surprised to be getting a condolence call because her son wasn't actually dead, but she was also surprised to hear that her son had been engaged in the first place. This is what those of us in the relationship biz call a red flag. 

In an interview with The Mirror, Alex said that after she got off the phone with Wet Turd's mom, "it hit me, that voice on the other end of the phone had sounded eerily familiar. I realized it was Tucker pretending to be his dad. My whole world crumbled."

When they were dating, Alex said he was very romantic, celebrating every month they had been together, buying her lots of jewelry, and eventually proposing marriage and planning the wedding. Then, out of nowhere, he just faked his own fucking death.  

Shuddering. Shuddering for all human kind. That's pretty much the shittiest thing you can do to a person you claimed to love. 

"All I ever did was love him," Alex told the Mirror, adding, "After this I’m not sure I can trust a man ever again."

No shit. I never loved this guy and this story makes me think I'll never trust a man again as well. 

Could be worse. She could have ended up marrying this disgusting wet turd who doesn't even possess the life skills to properly fake his own death. 

(by Myka Fox)

The absolute correct reaction.

Oscar the dog does not like his alarm clock. I get it. I'm right there with him. But you know what, Oscar has got to get up and take care of all his dog business for the day. I mean, the moulding around the bathroom door is not going to chew itself, am I right? And there's that new elk bone chew toy that's got to get destroyed STAT! Old Man Person can be a real you know what in the you know where, you know what I mean? 

Oscar can howl at that annoying alarm clock all he wants, but the morning's not like the mailman — you can't scare it away:

.

And you know what? If there's one thing that's more annoying than waking up, it's seeing yourself on video. Ugh! Is that really what Oscar's voice sounds like? Aaaaaaoooooooooo!!! Aaaaaaaaoooooooooooo!!!

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

The only reason to own a Roomba.

First, the obvious question: why isn't this baby riding a Roomba? We've seen babies riding Roombas. We've seen plenty of cats riding Roombas. For some reason, we've still never seen babies and cats riding Roombas together. But we're getting close!

It's possible that we're simply not technologically capable of handling an event of that magnitude, and a clip of babies and cats Roomba-riding together could overload Internet servers around the globe. If someone poured a bucket of ice water on them, forget it. Seriously, forget that. It's a terrible idea for obvious reasons.

So maybe this is the way to go. Baby steps. Enjoy.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

"I don't know what you want me to say..."

In today's Positive Prank, Someecards editor Dan Wilbur calls Head & Shoulders to let them know how much he loves their shampoo. The customer service representative nearly loses it.

This isn't the first time Dan has told a company exactly how he feels. Last week he called Optimum Cable to let them know everything was fine. The results were similar:

Who will be next?

(See more from Dan Wilbur)

It's Frida Kahlo meets Marilyn Manson for the ALS ice bucket challenge.

Lady Gaga's morning routine of dressing in S&M gear and dumping a silver terrine of ice water on her head has finally been imbued with meaning: to bring awareness to ALS.

The shock pop star performs the ice bucket challenge (the act of dumping ice water on your head or donating to the ALS Association that has raised over $5 million, if you've somehow missed this viral charity trend this summer), with the stoic poker face that made her famous.

As stated by the hashtags on her Instagram account, she is doing this to "#SharePainShowCompassion."  

According to the rules of the challenge, those nominated have 24 hours to either dump ice water on their heads or donate $100 to the charity. Gaga nominated her famous friends Adele, Michael Rapino, Vincent Herbert, and Arthur Fogel because they are "#RichPeople."

All right, other #RichPeople, your turn to weird out the general populace for charity. 

(by Myka Fox)

...is your last chance to nail the punchline!

Jeffrey Rieck, 61, may have lived in Middletown, NY before passing away from cancer on Aug. 13, but news of his death was printed in two New Jersey newspapers. Jeffrey was a loving father, devoted ex-husband, usually-employed carpenter, the kind of guy who'd rather you donate money to charity than send flowers, and the guy who would rather "no one gawks at him while he is deceased." Most importantly, he was a guy who had to have the last word. That's why his obituary was printed in New Jersey in the Record/Herald News—because Jeffrey's local newspaper rejected his self-written obituary, presumably due to hilarity being illegal in upstate New York (and also that Middletown is only 20 miles from the NJ border).

Jerry's obituary took a few parting shots at friends and family, although it was filled with the kind of gentle ribbing that hopefully won't haunt anyone until the end of their days. From his sons "no sense of humor" and "free is for me," to his ex-wife whose house he passed away in (and won't have to take care of anymore) to his own carpenter's union, it seemed like it was a pretty high honor to get insulted by Jeffrey Rieck one last time this weekend. Read the full obituary below:

Man, when I go, you are all gonna love hearing my nicknames for you. Yes, you all have nicknames. Especially you, "I forgot my wallet." Especially you.

(by Johnny McNulty)

"Oh shit fam! Mufasa's coming!" pic.twitter.com/wxQkcDkmbw

— Crap Taxidermy (@CrapTaxidermy) June 5, 2014

In case you thought hollowing out an animal carcass and filling it with cotton wasn't disturbing enough, enter Crap Taxidermy, the single most entertaining use of stuffed vertebrates since the Country Bear Jamboree. Here are seventeen of our favorites from the hugely popular Twitter account. May they bring you a least a few more chuckles than nightmares.

"Thank you Mr Taxidermist, you really managed to capture the pure hatred in my little Timmy's face." pic.twitter.com/cfkscjP75U

— Crap Taxidermy (@CrapTaxidermy) March 30, 2014

"Is there a toilet around here? I'm about to Puma pants!" pic.twitter.com/LlbccuNEqS

— Crap Taxidermy (@CrapTaxidermy) June 4, 2014

"They tried to make me go to rehab and I said; yeah thats probably not a bad idea." pic.twitter.com/bjcps2wXr9

— Crap Taxidermy (@CrapTaxidermy) June 6, 2014

"Dude, can I borrow your Toothbrush? I lost mine a couple of years ago." pic.twitter.com/sJ50ViDeUm

— Crap Taxidermy (@CrapTaxidermy) June 22, 2014

The rare Stoner Polar. pic.twitter.com/XoUsfZlTGZ

— Crap Taxidermy (@CrapTaxidermy) March 12, 2014

What does the Fox say? He'd probably want a different chair for starters. pic.twitter.com/SPjiq2BnYZ

— Crap Taxidermy (@CrapTaxidermy) March 11, 2014

"Did somebody say Friday?" pic.twitter.com/40GollI1uY

— Crap Taxidermy (@CrapTaxidermy) July 4, 2014

#Selfie#NoFilter#BulletHolepic.twitter.com/NiqCK38i3N

— Crap Taxidermy (@CrapTaxidermy) March 19, 2014

"Timon, this Acid was a bad idea. Hakuna-ma-fuck-this." pic.twitter.com/hwOjyUGrHh

— Crap Taxidermy (@CrapTaxidermy) June 1, 2014

"Sorry to disturb you guys but I think somebody took a shit on the carpet." pic.twitter.com/ioYI1XzOTm

— Crap Taxidermy (@CrapTaxidermy) May 18, 2014

"Dude, those Mushrooms we found are making me feel weird. The Bamboo leaf just told me to stop eating his people." pic.twitter.com/pt7mqfuntQ

— Crap Taxidermy (@CrapTaxidermy) May 10, 2014

"Lieutenant Dan, you got new legs." pic.twitter.com/CmpiNAfkbT

— Crap Taxidermy (@CrapTaxidermy) May 10, 2014

"Why don't you bring those nuts over here big boy." pic.twitter.com/QvsRy9eHJa

— Crap Taxidermy (@CrapTaxidermy) May 8, 2014

"Lee! You're not coming anywhere near me until you've had a shower, you fucking stink of Salmon!" pic.twitter.com/G9jpECh3Z7

— Crap Taxidermy (@CrapTaxidermy) May 7, 2014

Your face when somebody's telling you a story and you know they're lying.... pic.twitter.com/Z3LTMvi9ps

— Crap Taxidermy (@CrapTaxidermy) May 5, 2014

"Its called fashion darling. Look it up." pic.twitter.com/767y910J6v

— Crap Taxidermy (@CrapTaxidermy) April 28, 2014

Helping cure a horrible disease is a very good thing. Another very good thing is spending a chunk of a day watching people in bathing suits with a deep misunderstanding of physics voluntarily injure themselves. The Ice Bucket Challenge took those two great tastes and proved that they taste great together! Let's call these 17 IBC videos examples of the severely Ice Bucket Challenged. The next charitable-minded social media trend should be about raising money for their hospital bills.

.

Hello cute swim dress...goodbye consciousness.

.

Get ready for the funniest physical comedy duo since Laurel and Hardy!

.

It's curtains for you!

.

Adults should not play on children's swim toys.

.

Why so few things are made in America anymore.

.

Remember, styrofoam is porous!

.

Drunk Mario is about to get the Luigi death stare.

.

Who the hell invented styrofoam anyway? It's useless.

.

This one's basically an assassination attempt.

.

Nice of her to scream what the color of the top of her head is about to be.

.

Pretty sure at least a few of the bucket holders are settling old scores.

.

Everyone has that one friend. You know that friend. The one who is completely incompetent at everything? 

.

I just want to know where some of these people are vacationing. This lake is beautiful!

.

Pasty speedo man trapped under rubble of garage. News at 11.

.

You don't even need to click play to know how bad this one's going to hurt.

.

And this young man is probably very excited that he humiliated himself right at back-to-school time!

(by Bob Powers)

Please help me tie my shoes. 

This dude from Butte (I didn't name the place), Montana just got bailed out of jail after calling cops on a stripper who refused to have sex with him. 

William McDaniel, 53, gave $350 to a stripper at Sage Brush Sam's for a private dance, and then decided she was a criminal when she wouldn't go cowgirl on his pocket bull. 

This is the kind of guy that takes his shirt off to pee. I bet the call went like this:

[RING RING]

Police: Butte Police.

McDaniel: Yeah, hi. I'm at a strip club and this woman won't go halvsies on my plate of french fries.

Police: What did you just say?

McDaniel: I'm trying to pay a stripper to have sex with me.

Police: Be right there.

This is the kind of guy that pours the milk before the cereal. Did he think prostitution suddenly became legal the second this dancer got his dong hard? McDaniel was obviously arrested for soliciting prostitution and for paying way too much for a private dance. 

He had no business being with a stripper anyway. A man like that should be with a woman as smart as he is. 

(by Myka Fox)

by Dan Abromowitz

Smartphones are undoubtably a modern miracle, but they can be damn hard to put down, too. Here's how you can keep that iPhone in your pocket and take back your attention span.

1. Instead of reaching for your phone first thing in the morning, why not reach for the crisp citrus flavor of an ice cold Bud Light Lime?

2. To minimize on-the-go email use, change your mobile email signature to an embarrassing secret, like "The only person ever capable of bringing me to climax was Peter Criss," or "The only person ever capable of bringing me to climax was Ace Frehley."

3. Build up negative associations with phone use by changing your lock screen background to Myanmar's piss-poor per-capita GDP. Abysmal!

4. Wear mittens all the damn time, until everyone's calling you Edward Mittenhands, and eventually just Edward, and finally Ed or Eddie, and now you have a new name, so why not skip town and start fresh somewhere new, where what's past is past and the future, unwritten?

5. Stop making excuses! Whenever you think to yourself, "I'll just quickly check my email," scream out, "You fucking LIAR!" to show your brain you mean business.

6. Remind yourself of the beauty beyond your phone screen by watching all 14 hours of Planet Earth on Blu-Ray. Believe me, the HD makes a difference!

7. Polarized sunglasses make looking at phone screens a headache-inducing experience while conveniently concealing that your eyes are real edible grapes.

8. Build up your will power by taking whatever pill does that.

9. Trying to take a tech vacation? Some hotels offer "digital detox" packages, providing discounts to guests willing to denounce their devices harshly before a priest and a local journalist.

10. If a particularly addictive app like Candy Crush accounts for the bulk of your phone use, try transitioning to a different, equally addictive app like the Kim Kardashian game, like how heroin addicts quit by switching to barbiturates. That's something they probably do!

11. Apps like Moment allow you to set phone usage time limits for you to ignore again and again, minute after minute slipping away beneath your fingertips, cremation ashes borne on breathless winds.

12. A phone at dinner can be an instant first date dealbreaker. To keep a twitchy texting hand from getting the better of you, grip your date's head firmly with both hands and maintain an eye contact that says, "I'm here. I'm present. I'm ready for love."

13. In extreme cases, hypnotherapy can keep you away from your phone by making you find it too spooky to use. And all those creepy apps!

14. Eat a whole phone. Not so keen on them now, are we?

Dan Abromowitz doesn't know how to do anything. Follow him on Twitter.

There's plenty of crying in I've Got Your Nose.

The key to a good game of I've Got Your Nose isn't tricking a child into believing you've removed the nose from their face. Any adult can do that. Kids are famously easy to trick and are incredibly ignorant when it comes to understanding how the human body works. The trick to a good game is convincing the child that, not only can you remove body parts with a gentle tug, but that you can reattach them just as easily, time and time again.

It also doesn't hurt to have a child that is a straight up glutton for punishment. That's what makes Jesse Fulcher and his son the Jordan and Pippen of I've Got Your Nose. The boy freaks out when dad gets his ear, but he's still willing to put his trust, along with his nose, in his father's hands.

(by Jonathan Corbett)