Growing obsolete.
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Tough little dog gets over breaking front legs by running and jumping on hind ones.
"No wonder you humans never want to play. This is exhausting."
When Jason Sanders' Chihuaha mix jumped off a six-foot deck, she ended up breaking both her front legs. Being down half a set of paws and wearing a plastic cone didn't stop her, however, and she just started running around and jumping like a tiny Mario clearing laughably small obstacles. I hope she feels better, but I also hope Sanders gets a lot of footage until she does.
Two legs or no, she still seems irritated you called her in from playing before dinner was ready.
(by Johnny McNulty)
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This woman promises to take a dump on your porch if you leave your dog's poop on her lawn one more time.
At least she signed it with "love."
Dog owners of Los Angeles, please stop leaving your pets' poop on Annie's lawn! Can't you see what you're doing to her? She's at the end of her rope, reduced to penning magazine-article-length screeds in marker on giant sheets of cardboard:
To the person who lets their dog poop on our lawn and doesn't clean it up:
First of all, it's beyond rude. We live here and pay a lot of money to live here and it's not a toilet. Secondly, if you cant [sic] pick up your dogs [sic] poop, you shouldn't have a dog.
And lastly, we are watching you. The next time you let your dog poop on our lawn and don't pick it up, I will personally follow you back to your home, wait until you get inside, pull down my pants and take a huge dump on your doorstep and on the windshield of your car.
Love, Annie
Do you think this is how Annie wanted to present herself to the world? As some vindictive scat-voyeur who will "take a huge dump on your doorstep and on the windshield of your car" in a desperate effort to bring order to her life? No! But you drove her to this! You and your poop-expelling dog and your non-existent poop bags!
Please! For all that is good and holy, clean up after your dogs! Give Annie some peace for once in her life!
(by Dennis DiClaudio)
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Reunited.
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The breakout star of Apple's iPhone 6 launch was "Keynote Scarf Guy."
"This scarf has 50 terabytes of storage space." (via Mashable)
He had to know this was going to happen, right? A guy couldn't walk into a Starbuck's wearing one of those without everyone in the place mentally dubbing him "Venti Scarf Guy." Is that immature? Sure, a guy should be able to wear whatever he wants without being judged. But he wasn't at a runway show in Milan. He was speaking to a room full of geeks looking to spaz out at the new iPhone without being distracted by a purple scarf that could double as a duvet cover.
While he must have known that being so fashion-forward onstage at the Apple launch of the iPhone 6 would attract some attention, he probably didn't count on his oversized neckwear overshadowing the game company he was there to hype, Super Evil Megacorp. Unfortunately, what had everyone talking was his mega-scarf.
I wonder how long it'll be until Halloween Stores have a slutty Apple Keynote Scarf Guy costume for sale... pic.twitter.com/qtrqdXu6Ez
— Tony D. Clark (@nestguy) September 9, 2014is this guy wearing an infinity scarf or did he only halfway take off his sweater?
— clint (@CLINT) September 9, 2014What if that guy's scarf is the Apple wearable? Forget the wrist, it's all about the neck!
— Tanuj Parikh (@tanujparikh) September 9, 2014GOLD. SILVER. SPACE GRAY. pic.twitter.com/3Tg1Ed7Lwx
— Shaun Pendergast (@ShaunPendy) September 9, 2014Keynote Scarf already has a parody Twitter account, with twice as many followers as @superevilmegaco.
PAY ATTENTION TO ME#AppleLive#scarf#AppleEventpic.twitter.com/DyIYGnXion
— Keynote Scarf (@KeynoteScarf) September 9, 2014While the game presentation may not have had the impact its developers were hoping for, today was a huge day for huge scarves.
(by Jonathan Corbett)
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A friend returns a fixed computer with a terrifying challenge on the desktop background.
Let's play a game... (Via Imgur)
Dread. It comes the second your computer fails. If you are lucky, it is fixable. If you are even luckier, you have a friend who can fix it, and not just some Apple jerk who says they need to send your computer away for two weeks and that the cost to fix it is only two dollars less than the original cost of the machine. Or, worse, spending eight hours on the phone with PC customer disservice in India being transferred from department to department until, ultimately, they accidentally hang up on you, and instead of degrading yourself by starting the process over, you just march to the nearest hack shop to buy another terrible machine.
ANYWAY... the point is, it is good to have friends who are real people who know how to fix your computer.
That is, unless, your friend fancies themselves to be the desktop version of Jigsaw from the Saw franchise and wields his savvy to play a sadistic game of destruction, like redditor croft1342's friend did. Croft1342 gave a broken computer to a friend to be fixed, and it was, but it was returned like this:
You think it's over, but the games have just begun. (Via Imgur)
Just like Jigsaw, the friend, let's call him "Gigsaw," wants to play a game. Gigsaw has offered croft1342 and opportunity at computer life again, but to access it, croft1342 must wade through a sea of Internet Explorer web browsers that are cleverly masked with a Chrome icon, opening them one by one, in hopes of finding the one Chrome icon that actually represents the Chrome browser.
Not scary, you say? Have you browsed with Internet Explorer recently? The inferior web browser that decides to stop responding on a whim? With penetrable walls that invite viruses into your system like poison gas through an open window? Do you like being spied on? Having all of your personal information shared with the credit card thieves, and Nigerian princes all out to steal your soul? AND DONT EVEN THINK ABOUT USING FLASH!!!!!
I'm so frightened, I didn't even know Internet Explorer still existed. Gigsaw!!! You monster!
Or, you could just do what redditor standingboot9 suggested: "Highlight all then delete. They're all shortcuts anyways. After, go into your startup and create a new shortcut for Chrome. Voila!"
But if croft1342 knew how to do that, the computer might not have made it into Gigsaw's clutches to begin with.
Hahahaha.
Hahhahaa.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAA!
Am I already dead?
(by Myka Fox)
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Transformers.
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Degrading upgrade.
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10 people who came up with brilliant ways to correct a regrettable tattoo.
He's not just a failing musician, he's also a failing writer. (Via)
How do you get rid of a big ugly tattoo that you've decided you no longer want? If you said laser removal, you're correct! But if you said modify it with even more ink, you're one of these people.
Whether it's incorrect spelling, declarations of love now lost, or just youthful stupidity, there is nothing a tattoo can ruin that another tattoo can't fix.
Who knew Little Dead Riding Hood's real name was Jennifer? (Via)
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In an alternate dimension, Mike Tyson is covering up a T-rex tattoo. (Via)
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Now nothing but this giant black square she will have to explain for the rest of her life will remind her of him again! (Via)
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Now you're not her bitch, you're just a brand's bitch. (Via)
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Changing that tribal tat into a gas mask was more honest to his cultural heritage. (Via)
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*I didn't want to turn my ugly tribal into an ugly gas mask. (Via)
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He doesn't love his wife, he just loves getting high and listening to "I'm the only one." (Via)
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She still loves him, she just hates the name Barry. (Via)
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"Winona Forever" is now "Wino Forever." Celebrities, they're just like us. (Via)
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Help wanted.
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Business casual.
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5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - September 10, 2014
1. Half A Billion Consumers Discover Their Apple Devices Infected With New U2 Album
Immediately following U2's surprise performance at the iPhone 6 announcement at Apple's Cupertino, California headquarters, the Irish rock band's new album Songs of Innocence was automatically added to the iTunes libraries of Apple devices across the globe. Approximately 500 million customers in 119 countries were victimized in what will certainly be remembered as one of the most devastating and vapid computer viruses in history.
"We're determined to keep Apple fresh and innovative. And now I present to you all, U2!"
— Eliza Bayne (@ElizaBayne) September 9, 2014
Radiohead: releases album online, asks fans to pay what they want. U2: releases album online, forces everyone to have it no matter what.
— Leonard Pierce (@leonardpierce) September 10, 2014
2. Apple To Discontinue Miraculous Music Listening Device That You Never Ever Listen To Any More
Nearly 13 years after it was originally released, Apple's classic iPod—otherwise known as that tiny little device that somehow contains every song you've ever owned, but which sits in your desk drawer because, really, who needs to carry around that much music?—is being discontinued.
in a way we each wear a scarlet letter that is made of the most embarrassing song that we have on our iPod at any given time
— (maura) (@behindyourback) August 8, 2014
3. America Has Already Engorged Every Single One Of Olive Garden's Unlimited Pasta Passes
It took just a little more than an hour for the Olive Garden to completely sell out of its $100 Never Ending Pasta Passes, which allows customers to eat as much pasta as they like for seven entire weeks. I'm shocked. I had no idea that linguini was such a popular instrument of suicide.
When Olive Garden's new 7-week $100 Never Ending Pasta offer ends, you begin the 7-week Never Ending Bowel Movement phase. That part's free.
— Peter Waldron (@pjwaldron) September 8, 2014
4. Convicted Felon Bob McDonnell To Lose His Pension Due To The Unfair Policies Of Former Governor Bob McDonnell
Thanks to Virginia House Bill 2095, which was signed into law in 2011 by then Gov. Bob McDonnell and "forfeits... retirement benefits if it is determined that [a person] has been convicted of a felony," recently convicted felon and former Gov. Bob McDonnell will no longer be receiving his government pension. Jeeze, Bob McDonnell must be so mad at Bob McDonnell right now.
So disappointed in the corruption of Gov Bob McDonnell; especially in a state where it's so easy to take bribes legally.
— John Fugelsang (@JohnFugelsang) September 5, 2014
5. Nubile Young French Beachgoers Suddenly Less Inclined To Let Us Gawk At Their Boobs For Some Reason
According to a new poll, a mere two percent of French women under the age of 35 say that they are willing to go topless on public beaches these days. How odd that this just so happens to coincide with people carrying tiny cameras with them everywhere they go, 24 hours a day. Talk about coincidences.
I mean every beach can potentially be a topless beach if you don't have boobs and pretend you're foreign and a boy.
— Oh Susanna (@Just_Oh_Susanna) August 1, 2014
(by Dennis DiClaudio)
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This guy played "99 Red Balloons" using only red balloons, and it was really good.
Despite how cool musicians are, most of them look like the face in "Pad 2" when they play.
Andrew Huang is a musician with 161,000 YouTube subscribers who is currently on tour with the band Gunnarolla (aka YouTube musician Andrew "Canadian, Please" Gunadie) in Germany and the UK. While on the Germany leg of his tour, Huang decided to record a German song for his recurring "Song Challenge" series, where he does things like compose a song without the letter "E." For this challenge, obviously, he chose to perform what is probably the most popular German pop song to ever hit America, the anti-nuclear anthem "99 Luftballoons" by Nena, or as the song is known in English-speaking countries, "99 Red Balloons." And he did it using only (4) red balloons.
If you are unaware, the song actually has a plot: someone lets a whole bunch of helium balloons go at the same time, and the rising mass is interpreted by nuclear early detection systems as the launch of a missile, triggering a nuclear war. The German version actually makes no reference to the color of the balloons ("Luftballoons" is more literally "airborne toy balloons"), and in the English-language one, the narrator is the one who lets the balloons go. Believe it or not, unlike the English, Irish and Australians, us usually-provincial Americans actually preferred the German version.
(by Johnny McNulty)
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This montage of kids losing balloons may make you feel bad for laughing, but only a little.
Hehehe. I'm a bad person.
This video, put together by CHSupercuts, shows over and over again one of the most heartbreaking moments of childhood: the feeling of accidentally letting go of a helium balloon and seeing it vanish into the atmosphere. As a child, it is a pure pain unlike anything else, because your parents cannot fix it. Sure, they may offer to get you a new balloon, but you don't want a new balloon; you want that one. As an adult, it's pretty funny.
What's really weird is that this is the second balloon-related post I've written today, after covering a musician who played "99 Luftballoons" ("99 Red Balloons"), a song about helium balloons flying a way and accidentally triggering nuclear war, using only red balloons.
(by Johnny McNulty)
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This dude really really really loves helmets.
The flying V.
Meet Prescott Majette. Likes include skateboarding, wearing swim trunks on dry land, and helmets. Nay, he loves helmets! He LOVES helmets!
Here's a video of him wiping out hard and smacking his head on the ground with enough force that, had he not been wearing a helmet, would have exploded his melon like Gallagher in his heyday. The groovy way he proclaims his love for helmets suggests this is probably not the first time he's hit his head.
Wear and buckle those helmets, kids. Live to wear swim trunks on dry land another day.
(by Myka Fox)
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Hot or not.
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Teens (including Game of Thrones' Maisie Williams) are literally and annoyingly mystified by an original Nintendo.
Maisie, seriously? You're dressing exactly like someone from that time period.
That is IT. Stop making children, everyone. Shut it down until we can figure out how education should work. Declining math skills I can cope with, and I'm fine with the widespread inability to comprehend a sentence with more than two clauses. Not even recognizing an NES? Did these cretins even grow up in America (well, obviously Maisie Williams, Game of Thrones' Arya Stark, did not)?
I mean, I thought video games were important to this generation, and the NES is the most important home video game system, hands-down. Sure, Pong and the Atari kicked off the industry, but Atari almost ended the entire artform by sucking so hard. The Nintendo Entertainment System saved it, and made games what they are now. Many of the games are still playable today, because they were designed with elegance and around the mechanics, not around fancy cutscenes and graphics. I literally sound the oldest I have ever sounded before, and I don't care because MOST OF THEM THOUGHT IT WAS A GAMEBOY.
You may recognize this clip as being from the series Teens React, which in addition to Kids React and Elders React is one of YouTube stars The Fine Bros' most popular recurring shows, despite the fact that these little ingrates are infuriating.
(by Johnny McNulty)
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Frozen food reviewer resigns mid-episode because he's destroying kids' lives.
How to fatten up your dragon.
There is a YouTube channel for everything, and sure enough, that includes a popular channel called Freezerburns with 23,000 subscribers (still, 5 days after the channel's host "resigned") and over 10 million views that focused entirely on critiquing frozen food. Freezerburns was hosted by Gregory Ng, who first lost the joy of reviewing frozen dinners several years prior to this week's meltdown. The downturn came when his audience started getting younger and younger, prompting him to pivot to foods catering to that demographic.
Ng told AdWeekin an interview, "I would review a Hot Pocket over a vegan Indian meal because I knew the views would be 10 times larger. I could have reviewed what I wanted, but that wasn't my goal. I was in it to build audience, prove that you could monetize by owning a niche and fine tune my camera presence." That pivot towards kids is what led to his possibly pre-planned on-screen resignation when a box of frozen chicken-esque Kid Cuisine, emblematic of the kind of filth we sell using bright colors to small children, pushed him over the edge in the show's 629th and final episode.
A lot of people have attacked Ng because he might be using this dramatic sign-off to get good press after 629 episodes of shilling for the processed food industry. I'm not inclined to care, because it's not even like we get a lot of people pretending to turn down money and an easy job just because it's ruining kids and supporting the worst business practices imaginable. He also included a link to donate money to fight hunger in North Carolina. Screw it, the more people pretending to make the world a little nicer, the better.
(by Johnny McNulty)
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Little boy gets 3D printed Iron Man prosthetic, grabs his own hand for the first time.
Little Tony Stark testing his gauntlet. Not bad, huh?
While some people are out there 3D printing a dead king's face, other's are printing even cooler things, like a mechanical body-powered Iron Man prosthetic for a little boy who was born without a hand.
Rayven "Bubba" Kahae, 3, was born with a malformed right hand. While most prosthetics are extremely expensive (around $40,000), Bubba's grandmother found E-Nable, a charity that creates superhero prosthetics for children. E-Nable managed to get him an Iron Man gauntlet for free.
Bubba's dad filmed the moment he tried it on for the first time, and what excited Bubba the most was something so special but so easy to take for granted —holding his own hand.
(by Myka Fox)
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Fashion forewarned.
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