Noted, Grumpy Roommate.(via)

Whether you're in your post-college years or your mid-forties and sleeping in your old room at your parents' house, the roommate situation is a hotbed of hostility and spoiled food-borne illness. Eventually, the unwashed dishes and random pubic hair discoveries become too much to bear, and accusations and apologies are exchanged in pointed, often wonderfully clever notes. Here are some of our favorites that reveal way too much about the gross ways in which non-sex-having humans tend to co-habitate.

.

When Dad finds Mom's to-do list.(via)

.

I would leave it on just for the thrill of it. (via)

.

That's like a regular stopper, only angrier.(via)

.

This is going to be one paranoid flu season.(via)

.

Looks like one steak will do. (via)

Updated 10.20.14

Passive, aggressive, and beautiful. (via)

.

Definitely beats a sticky note. (via)

.

To err is human, to forgive is bacon.(via)

.

Looks like we need bananas... and paper.(via)

.

Shitty poetry.(via)

.

On the other hand, brownies!(via)

Updated 8.27.14

Thanks for the vote of confidence, Pops.(via)

.

And look for an apartment like you live with a psycho.(via)

.

Typical delicious/aggressive behavior.(via)

.

A few more letters and it would've been done, dick. (via)

.

Fucking love you too, Dad.(via)

.

Thanks for the "$5.00," Colleen! (via)

Updated 8.27.14

A stoner roommate could read that the wrong way.(via)

.

Impressive, if he actually reached the milk.(via)

Why, when there's a perfectly usable sheet left?(via)

Too good to be mad about. Unless it's not head hair.(via)

Hope he likes cold pizza. (via)

That looks oddly delicious. Also, "honeys" count as roommates when they act like this.
(via)

.

The artist couldn't sign his work due to a broken hand. (via)

My instincts tell me that was no accident.(via)

Or, you could've just written "pay bills."(via)

A sign that you're probably too old to have roommates.(via)

"I could change the roll, or take out my phone and..."(via)

It's impossible to read that without hearing his voice. (via)

Updated 6.05.14

It's the thought that counts.(via)

Thanks for the pancakes, Mr. Pinkman.(via)

The man in the mirror is a huge dick.(via)

Yep, that says "puke."(via)

Even his notes stink. (via)

First line of the worst porno ever. (via)

Updated 5.05.14
 

Mistakes are life's tasty lessons. (via)

"Why yes, toilet paper roll, I -- dammit!" (via)

The old "How to Get Your New Roommate Naked with a Spider Note" trick.(via)

"Ew, ew, Captain."(via)

Good luck with that auto-erotic asphyxiation.(via)

TL;DR already packing my stuff.(via)

Updated 4/04/14

I guess the short answer is "maybe?" (via)

Great weed. Bad idea.(via)

You would, dick head.(via)

"Who's been slut-shaming my soda?" (via)

How many ways are there to use a plunger, Kevin? (via)

I've always wondered how to play craps. (via)

Updated 3/08/14

I bet this guy is high maintenance. (via) 

If a sock means "sex," I don't want to know what this is for.(via)

I've had roommates that would see this and think "pan roasted dove!"(via)

This message is probably more for the guys.(via)

Smart Water for a smart ass.(via)

How a true butthole pays his rent. (via)

Updated 1/08/14

Given a choice, I'd rather eat pizza that the cats nibbled on. (via)

Things can't be that bad if you're still getting wi-fi. (via)

If these get eaten it's time for a new roommate. (via)

Not bad, but it may get confusing when you try to store poops. (via)

It that's where they keep the milk, tossing it might not be a bad idea. (via)

Not cool. But at least you get to eat the Pixie Sticks. (via)

Updated 12/11/13:

Ouch. You just got out passive-aggressioned.

Um...are there drugs in it?

In this case, honesty is the weirdest policy.

Pretty nice of them to capture it, actually.

They don't. Someecards probably does, though.

No smiley face, Cindy?

Updated 11/13/13:

Also, boyfriends are like dirty clothes; don't leave yours on the floor.

"I feel more comfortable complaining about the notes by note."

I'm impressed it responds to anything at all.

Great method for dealing with lazy ant roommates.

Then I have to get my shit together enough to actually clean it. Two-three weeks?

Pretty cheap for either.

Updated 10/15/13:

You don't need to have roommates for this to be a terrific idea.

The most considerate possible reaction to finding your roommate peed all over the floor.

Seems like a much, much grosser solution than just flushing.

The spider was in the midst of writing his own tiny note:
"Got stuck in god damn cereal today...fuck."

Because pooping just isn't exciting enough.

Chris may be going to the gay club, but he likes boobs, you understand?

Updated 9/17/13:

Not sure that post-script was necessary.

Hunter, live up to your name!

Better than: "Give a call or you might see a ball."

He died as he lived: with power tools.

But evidently not magnetic poetry.

Yeah right, like anyone's gonna steal a Lean Pocket over a French bread pizza.

Updated 8/16/13:

With the cost of avocados today, that's only about a quarter for your trouble.

Please clean up your insects after yourself.

Ooh, burned by a white board meme.

Also I prefer to be called Reginald, thanks.
 

Now that's just common disgusting courtesy.

It's worth it! It's stifling in here!

Updated 7/22/13:

We wouldn't want to be part of such a hairy roommate arrangement.

Why write 3 separate notes when all your issues can be encompassed in one?

Beware. The spiders have their own tally.

Monday night is trashnacht.

Clint starts fires!

As far as we're concerned, as long as his penis only touched the outside, it's still good.

Updated 6/20/13:

Wait. We have a cat?

And bread and to come to terms with our parents' divorce.

We'd honestly prefer this type of sign to be set up on all tp-less toilets.

4. Have craziest night ever!

It's the number for his Murderers Anonymous group.

No matter how bad they are, we still want one.

Updated 5/24/13:

Unfortunately, that stuff looks like what's been on CNN every day.

"FapNapping" needs no translation.

So, I'll just leave the knives there...and this note you can't read in the dark.

We'd rather be hunted by teens than chase a spider.

Sorry. Cat available for petting trumps human in need of sleeping.

We stopped trusting you when you left us something to flush.

Updated 4/23/13:

This could work out really well for the boyfriend.

Aim for the head.

How does the artist know the shitter is jubilant?

Like that Al Pacino movie "Insomnia," except with smellier fingers.

She has loud sex that she has to apologize for AND access to cinnamon rolls? Want her life.

Doing dishes sucks. We'll take the cocks.

Updated 3/18/13:

Just do it, no matter what "it" may be.

Also enrolled you in a scientology course, hope that's cool!

No one is more concerned about Susie collecting cat piss than the cat.

Not going to try and prove you wrong.

Joe already gives his teeth Flintstone chewables. He shouldn't be doubling up.

Many roommates have lost themselves in the endless piss-seat loop.

Ben Kingsley was excellent in this kitchen.

Updated 2/8/13:

This is considerate, and it doesn't judge those who do want such things.

Who can keep from passing out long enough for a hot pocket to cook?

The roommate is staring at that last sip, checking his watch, waiting...waiting...

How can we add "or when you're awake" to the deal?

8:40, or, if you're into it, 8:45. Whatever works for you. I'm not a "rules" guy. Oops, vomiting.

Lease plainly states, "Write your 30 days notice on some cardboard before moving out."

Updated 1/14/13:

Jeff is bad at bribes.

11) No asking why I am this way. Just know that I have been hurt before and it won't happen again.

Raisin Bran tastes so much better carbonated.

High people tell the worst stories.

No wonder Michael's catch-phrase is "I prefer to stand."

Seems legit.

Thank God "Peanut butter 4 my balls" wasn't included in "Sandwich Stuff."

Updated 12/5/12:

I think you're confusing your your Sammy LJ roles but the point still stands.

Average male-female rooming ratio: 80% of the fridge belongs to female, 80% consumed by male.
 

Does her/his roommate only have one fork? That might be the larger problem.
 

That means you, Alex. I'm saving this spider for when I get up in the morning!!!
 

Let's just hope that there is an emergency and this person's life is improved by cleansing fire.
 

Thank you, Jay. Jaq? Jag? The point is, what a polite note of depravity.
 

Prophet Eric earlier prophesied a wrathful plague of deleted DVR episodes, and verily 'twas true.
 

And it was then Chris realized the Boyz would never advance 2 Men.
 

Posted 11/14/12:

Everyone spent the next few days walking very gingerly around the apartment.

And you thought younger generations don't send thank you notes anymore.

And from then on, Sajid would never wear underwear ever again.

T.J really likes to sleep if the main issue with someone peeing on the floor is the noise it makes.

Thanks Brendon. Enjoy...um..."Fagtown?"

Use the wings you've been given to fly far away by the end of the month.

Updated 10/8/12:

Nothing tears apart an apartment share like a baked good suicide.

If you have time to learn to read and write in English, you have time to clean your own puke.

Cockjuggling used to be big before Puppetry Of The Penis swept the nation.

He seems like a good listener.

Trickle down government is trickling really far.

In our day a sock on the door handle meant "I Hope You Die" but we were classier then.

Guess "All Of The Above" is fair game then?

Sad thing is the cashier at CPK wrote that.

Updated 9/7/12:

Updated 8/2/12:

Updated 7/2/12:

Updated 6/7/12:

Updated 5/18/12:

< CLICK IMAGE TO ENLARGE >

Updated 5/2/12:

< CLICK IMAGE TO ENLARGE >

Updated 4/16/12:

< CLICK IMAGE TO ENLARGE >

Updated 3/3/12:

Updated 2/3/12:

< CLICK IMAGE TO ENLARGE >

Updated 1/10/11:

Posted 12/1/11:

You injure his soul; he injures your face.

According to the YouTube description, this parrot can talk. But instead of asking politely for the violinist to stop playing the music from Titanic, the parrot chose a more violent approach. As the saying goes: the beak is mightier than the squawk. The best part: his triumphant climb back to the top of his cage at the end. 

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

Moments after the fiancé of Aia Cooper (left) told the Prez to keep his hands off.

The President made a pilgrimage to his hometown of Chicago yesterday to campaign for incumbent Gov. Pat Quinn, but also to participate in (and raise awareness of) early voting in Illinois. Like any normal person with an entire press corps in tow, Mr. Obama stood quietly next to another normal person at the voting booths while casting his ballot. 

That normal person he was standing next to was Aia Cooper, who was engaged to another person in the room who couldn't resist the opportunity to look like a smartass in front of the President: Mike Jones, Cooper's fiancé. 

Jones strolled by the two while they were voting and casually let out a loud-but-not-yelling "Mr. President, don't touch my girlfriend."

For his part, the President played it cool, knowing the proper response to the jealous boyfriend is almost no response at all: "I really wasn't planning on it."

Aia Cooper, for her part, was as embarrassed as you'd expect someone whose boyfriend just acted like a kid in front of the leader of the free world. Said Cooper, "I am sorry, please excuse him."

"Now there's an example of a brother just embarrassing me for no reason," said the President, "just for no reason whatsoever."

"I knew he was going to say something smart, but I didn't know what he was going to say," said Cooper, who apparently puts up with stuff like this from Mike a lot.

The President then proceeded to display the kind of cool-headed charm we haven't seen in about six years, acting out the scene he imagined would take place when Aia went home to tell her family and friends this story.

"I can't believe Mike, he's such a fool!" said the President, impersonating Aia, "I was just mortified. But fortunately, fortunately the President was nice about it and you know, so it's alright."

Ever the closer, Obama finished by giving Cooper a kiss on the cheek, saying "Give him something to talk about. Now he's really jealous." Apparently he also joked "On the cheek, just the cheek! Please, Michelle, don't come after me!"

.@BarackObama voting early in Chicago https://t.co/fYq73Joe7L

— Josh Lederman (@joshledermanAP) October 20, 2014

Well, Mr. President, Democrats nationwide may be declining your offers to campaign for them, but after this display, you'll still be welcome in the Cooper house for a long time to come. Not so sure about the Joneses', though.

(by Johnny McNulty)

1. Oscar Pistorius Unable To Evade Jail Time, Even With Those Fancy Carbon Fiber Running Blades

Olympic runner Oscar Pistorius was sentenced to five years in prison today for "gross negligence" in shooting his fiancée multiple times last Valentine's Day. Speaking of "gross negligence," the South African legal system is expected to spit him back out onto the street within a year.

Oscar Pistorius will spend 5 years in prison, running on a giant hamster wheel generating power for the electric chair/warden's iPad Mini.

— Mark Leggett (@markleggett) October 21, 2014

2. Matthew McConaughey Says Racially Insensitive Team Name Is Alright, Alright, Alright

Lifetime Washington Redskins fan Matthew McConaughey courted controversy recently when he told GQ that he is not in favor of a name-change for his beloved football team. "We were all fine with it since the 1930s, and all of a sudden we go, 'No, gotta change it'?" he asked the magazine, later coming to terms with the inevitable. "But now that it's in the court of public opinion, it's going to change. I wish it wouldn't, but it will." Weird how opinions shift slightly over the course of nearly a century, huh?

No one's understood a thing Matthew McConaughey's said since 2010.

— Damien Fahey (@DamienFahey) October 19, 2014

3. In Real Life, King Tut Was Less Shiny, More Goofy-Looking

King Tut was probably a kind of oddly-shaped dude, according to a new "virtual autopsy" conducted for BBC One. The documentary Tutankhamun: The Truth Uncovered made a point of using all available evidence, as well as state of the art computer imaging technology, to point out the buck teeth, clubbed foot and unimpressive physique of the infamous pharaoh so that a new generation of people can gawk and laugh.

Well, it's official: I have King Tut's body type.

— Michelle Collins (@michcoll) October 20, 2014

4. Americans Returning To Whiskey As Their Preferred Means Of Killing Brain Cells 

After the flavorless communist vodka overtook good old American whiskey as the preferred booze of U.S. drinkers back in 2007, things seemed pretty grim for democracy. But according to data from Euromonitor, it would appear as though the brown alcoholic beverage that tastes like the inside of a burnt-up wooden cask is retaking its place at the top of the nation's sales charts and the bottom of their puke buckets.

I can do a magic trick where I turn $30 worth of whiskey into a loud asshole.

— Ty (@Ty_Schutz) October 1, 2014

5. Here's 1 Fact That Will Destroy BuzzFeed's News Department's Faith In Humanity

BuzzFeed is currently the least-trusted news source among both Democrats and Republicans, according to a Pew Research poll. And that's even when you extend the definition of "news source" to include The Rush Limbaugh Show, The Colbert Report and The New York Times. In other news, BuzzFeed gets approximately twice as much traffic as all the other news sources combined.

Just think, those are the Buzzfeed headlines that didn't get rejected.

— Jason Mustian (@jasonmustian) September 29, 2014

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

Please just give it to us! We've been waiting so, so long!

Look, I know! I know! We've had our emotions screwed within the past, but I honestly think this is the real deal this time. I suppose it's always possible that next week we're gonna see Jimmy Kimmel and the three-boobed lady hovering down the street on TV, and we'll all be like, "Damn it! We were fooled again!!!" But I really don't think that's gonna be the case this time. I think we might be getting actual hoverboards this time, guys!

The "Hendo Hoverboards" Kickstarter page seems pretty legit, as far as these things go. The alleged hoverboard-inventing company has already raised about $80K of its $250 goal in just a few days. And, unlike previous "hoverboards," this one apparently has to be over a metal surface, which seems less cool than how it worked in Back to the Future II, but also makes a lot more sense, because magnets and stuff. 

Maybe I'm just buying into this because I want so badly for it to be true. Check out the pitch video, and see if I'm fooling myself:

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

"What did we learn today?"

Would you consider McDonald's fine food? What if I told you it was organic?

It's not, but what if I TOLD you it was? And you didn't know it was McDonald's. And you were a snooty foodie at the annual food convention in Houten (the Netherlands)? 

Sacha and Cedrique from Lifehunters are presenting Mickey D's as food from their organic restaurant, and the food experts literally eat it up. They say they can taste the organic-ness. Let's laugh at their desire to impress the cameras, shall we?

Seriously though, they call these people food experts and they don't recognize McNuggets? Where'd they go to culinary school? I want to see ID!

Just like grandma used to get from the drive-thru.

(by Myka Fox)

More like James Van Der BARK. Because he is a DOG.

Remember when James Van Der Beek had that crazy hair that would not calm down? 

This dachshund-filled spoof of Dawson's Creek from (incredibly patient) director Michael Immerman will make you nostalgic for when blunt conversations about sex were naughty and exciting, Michelle Williams had long hair, and Joshua Jackson was the hottest guy on television. 

All that running through summery fields and snuggling with various partners just begs for a dachshund cast. I don't know why they didn't make the original program with dachshunds. The acting would probably have been a lot better. Ooh, burn!

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

Honestly, I have no idea who that is or how she got in my search history.

Umm, candy corn is candy shaped like corn. Seriously, it's right there in the name.

Renee Zellweger is now the least believable Renee Zellweger impersonator in the world.

It plugs the jewelry in the skin, or else it loses power again. (Via) 

"Hey, can I borrow your charger?"

"Sure, I'll hook you up."

(Hooks actual charger into veins.)

Naomi Kizhner created a theoretical, but totally possible, line of invasive jewelry called "Energy Addicts" that finally makes extreme piercings have a value greater than scaring potential in-laws. It harnesses the power of you. 

The jewelry is pierced into your skin and then utilizes the body's natural abundance of kinetic energy created by simple, involuntary movements, such as flowing blood or blinking. A small wheel inside the jewelry is turned and the energy is converted into electricity for much more important actions, like powering your phone.

How many blinks to check your likes on Facebook? (Via)

Kizhner created this line as a conceptual art piece for a graduation project, intending to open a conversation about our culture's dependence on electricity.

“I wanted to provoke the thought about how far will we go to in order to ‘feed’ our addiction in the world of declining resources,” Kizhner told Cosmopolitan. But, actually, it seems like a legitimately great idea. While many people probably find the idea of harnessing our internal electrical power to be dehumanizing, I love it. We have already given a lot of our power to the robots thanks to our dependance on technology. Wouldn't it be nice to take some of that power back and make our technology dependent on us? 

The cyborg evolution is upon us. (Via)

And if you don't like it?

You're going to help us, whether you want to or not.

(by Myka Fox)

What college kids really like U2? Continuing studies for Baby Boomers shouldn't count.

The debate over whether Lil' Wayne is a genius is one that can wait until another day, but it's not looking so good for people who "Like" Lil' Wayne on Facebook. This chart, Music That Makes You Dumb, was created by Virgil Griffith, who said on his website,  

"I've listened to artists who after listening to I thought to myself "Wow... loving this rubbish says a lot about someone and how much they got going on in their head." Could one's musical tastes say something about intelligence? How about SAT scores?"

Griffith then designed this chart by using Facebook to determine the most "liked" artists at various US colleges, which he then plotted against the average SAT scores from those schools. Here's a full version with the artists separated into genres. As you can see, there's a major outlier, a certain Mr. Ludwig van Beethoven.

 
(click to expand) (via Virgil Griffith)

Now, I should point out that liking one of the bands listed here on the less-intelligent side of the spectrum will not, as the title of the chart might imply, make you dumb. This is a very pure case of correlation, not causation. A lot of the "smart" bands are actually just "bands that are associated with rich kids." Sufjan Stevens is the highest-ranked artist besides Beethoven, and as redditors have pointed out, Stevens tends to have fans that are upper middle class and Midwestern. Midwesterners don't take the SATs as often as the rest of the country unless they expect to travel out of the region for school—in other words, unless they already know they'll do well on the SATs. 

Guster, another high-ranked band, is a band that used to play regularly at my prep school in New Jersey before (and for a while after) they got big. So. Yeah. Prep school music. That being said, making kids listen to Beethoven a lot will probably make them a little brighter. I wouldn't count on Ben Folds doing the trick, though.

Griffith is best known for making the Wikipedia Scanner, a database that revealed where every Wikipedia edit was coming from—something that resulted in all computers from the offices of Congress being banned temporarily from altering Wikipedia. Now if only he could figure out what music Congresspeople like and how that's correlated to being an idiot in government.

(by Johnny McNulty)

No, not a 'Downton Abbey' costume. A Downton Abbey costume.

If I were going to try to make a creative Downton Abbey Halloween costume, I'd probably just put on a tie and a pair of driving gloves and then cover myself in blood and say I was the late Matthew Crawley. Though, I suspect that decision would come with a lot of confused looks and requests for further explanation.

Rob Cockerham had a much better idea. As soon as you see it, you know right away: that's a Downton Abbey costume:

Now, if I wanted to be pedantic, I could point out that Cockerham actually dressed himself up as Highclere Castle, since that's the actual name of the Jacobethan country house in Hampshire, England where the show is filmed. But that would be like pointing out that your Iron Man costume is actually a "Robert Downey, Jr. at work" costume. It's Downton Abbey as far as any of us are concerned. (Plus, we all know how much the Internet hates pedantry.)

Wondering how much work goes into a Downton Abbey costume like this? A lot, it turns out. I know, because Cockerham documented the whole painstaking process for his website. 

(by Dennis DiClaudio)