Lisa Ann
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USA! USA! USA!
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I'll shoot your eye out.
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SNL's "One-dimensional Female Character In A Male Driven Comedy" was the highlight of last week's episode.
Oooh, she looks like she could really teach a manchild to change!
Cecily Strong introduced a brilliant new character on last week's Saturday Night Live. After Weekend Update anchor Colin Jost reported that women are still "grossly underrepresented" in Hollywood, a bangs-sporting, glasses-wearing Strong came on as One-dimensional Female Character in a Male Driven Comedy.
Strong introduced herself as "Heather, from work," a coworker of Jost whom he probably never noticed because of her glasses. "I'm fun and crazy and surprising and hot and a girl. Confusing, right?" she explained.
Strong went on to nail pretty much every stereotype of these all-too-familiar characters, from sleeping in a jersey to eating burgers and fries like the guys to forcing the male protagonist to grow up. Of course, in the end, One-dimensional Female Character in a Male Driven Comedy decides to forgive Jost's flaws and stay at the record store with him.
I can't wait to see this character again on SNL and never again in a theater near me.
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Once removed.
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NYC Premiere of The Interview cancelled as theater chains begin dropping the movie from their screens.
Leaving a theater near you.(via Twitter)
The latest turn in the increasingly insane Sony hacking story is that the New York City premiere of The Interview has been cancelled, and theater chains are starting to take up Sony on their offer to not screen the movie starting Christmas day, including Carmike Cinemas which operates 278 theaters.
The scandal that has gone from oddly amusing (celebrity aliases) to voyeuristically creepy (Angelina's a brat!) took a turn for the violent and frightening yesterday, after the "Guardians of Peace" threatened 9/11-style attacks on theaters showing the movie. That has theater chains legitimately worried.
The Department of Homeland Security is now on the case, but don't seem too concerned about a violent attack. From Deadline Hollywood:
"DHS is aware of a threat made online targeting movie theaters in the United States. We are still analyzing the credibility of these statements, but at this time there is no credible intelligence to indicate an active plot against movie theaters within the United States."
Regardless, the old "any publicity is good publicity" line is being put to the test in a big way. Seth Rogen and James Franco have cancelled the remaining stops on the promotional tour. It's a lot harder to shake off violent threats over a movie when your face is on the poster.
The idea of an assault on a company of this scale over a movie—any movie—seems so bizarre that more and more people are beginning to believe that the hack and subsequent document dump was an inside job. Sony has laid off thousands of employees over the last few years, including a lot of IT workers, which makes for a more plausible motive than an immature dictator throwing a tantrum over a buddy comedy.
And—let's be honest—the "angry, unemployed IT guy" theory makes a lot of sense when you think about it. Not only would they possess the knowledge to get the job done, they would also fit the profile of the "I'll teach them not to screw with me!" petty nature of the case.
Which is why canceling the movie won't likely put a stop to any of this. Whoever is behind the crime is out to embarrass the company in a big way, and seems to be having way too much fun doing so to quit because a movie premiere was cancelled.
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Here's a whole bunch of tearfully happy people getting puppies for Christmas.
Baby Jesus wanted a puppy and all he got was myrrh.
Is there someone special on your list this year who still needs a gift? I mean really special, not some coworker or distant relative. Because if you're still deciding what to get them, consider the greatest gift of all: love.
J/k, obvi the best gift of all is puppies!
Puppies make people insanely happy, as evidenced by this video of a whole bunch of people getting puppies on Christmas morning. You can try not to cry, but you will fail. Happy faces looking at brand new puppies will defeat you.
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Hired help.
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5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - December 17, 2014
1. The Interview's Premiere Cancelled So As Not To Offend Murderous Terrorists
Sony Pictures Entertainment has decided to cancel the New York City premiere of Seth Rogen and James Franco's upcoming film The Interview after a terrorist group calling themselves the "Guardians of Peace" threatened violent attacks on any theaters showing it. The motion picture company is also allowing theaters to back out of deals to show the comedy about an assassination attempt on North Korean leader Kim Jong-un just more than a week before its scheduled Christmas day release date. This unprecedented situation really makes you think: where were these people when A Million Ways To Die In The West was released?
Fuck it, now I WILL go see The Interview.
— Shane Nickerson (@shanenickerson) December 17, 2014
Not going to let patriotism trick me into seeing The Interview.
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) December 17, 2014
2. American Apparel Hires Its First Female CEO To Oversee Objectification Of Its Models
Veteran fashion executive Paula Schneider has been named American Apparel's first female CEO, following founder Dov Charney's ouster for allegations of sexual misconduct back in June. It remains to be seen if the clothing company will be able to maintain its edge as an industry leader in sexual creepiness under her leadership.
American Apparel is sweatshop-free. But they do keep all their models in a small pen behind their factory.
— Keating Thomas (@keatingthomas) August 4, 2014
3. Science: Real Men Prefer Their Food As Painful As Chemically Possible
Higher testosterone levels seem to correlate with a greater taste for spicy foods, according to a new study released by University of Grenoble in France. This may mean that "alpha males" are more drawn to hot sauces due to all of the manliness inside them. "It is also possible that the regular consumption of spicy food contributes to increasing testosterone levels," one researcher explained, "although so far this has only been demonstrated on rodents." So, if you see your Tinder date slathering his bacon-wrapped steak in Sriracha, he might be a real man. Or he might secretly be a rat.
I'm one of those bros who puts hot sauce on everything. Cars, socks, dog leashes, everything. Don't like it that much on food though.
— Noah Garfinkel (@NoahGarfinkel) October 12, 2014
4. Comedy Central Unveils First Trailer For Show That Will Be Unfairly Compared To The Colbert Report
The first promotional ad for Comedy Central's The Nightly Show with Larry Wilmore—which will be replacing the wildly popular and critically acclaimed Colbert Report after The Daily Show—was released online yesterday. The half-hour comedic news program with a bent toward racial issues is set to premiere on January 19 at 11:30 pm EST, with unreasonable comparisons to its predecessor anticipated shortly thereafter.
Great first day at my new job as writer on 'The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore.' I must have stolen at least 20 staplers.
— Tim Siedell (@badbanana) December 2, 2014
5. Study: People Who Exercise Are Polluting The Air With Their Fat
According to a new study out of Australia, when people burn fat through exercise, the majority of their spent adipose tissue is converted into carbon dioxide and exhaled into the atmosphere where it contributes to global warming, glacial melting and the starvation of millions of innocent polar bears. Think about that next time you get ready to step onto the elliptical machine.
Want to lose weight? Eat smaller portions and exercise. After reaching your desired weight, throw up on everyone's face.
— Nick Youssef (@NickYoussef) November 20, 2014
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Rant control.
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Russia's terrifying news promo for a Putin press conference makes our media look sane.
Just normal press conference stuff.
Russian President Vladimir Putin is holding a press conference tomorrow, and he wanted to get the word out, because he'll probably have some important things to say, what with his country falling into complete economic ruin and all.
So, he had his media people put together this very simple 41-second advertisement. Try not to soil your pants while watching it:
That seemed to get the importance of the event across adequately, don't you think? I would have maybe opted to replace that one shot of the cows in the flood with one of a guy getting his face torn off by a wild dog, but, hey, Monday morning quarterbacking, right?
I would suggest that there's no way that Putin can live up to the expectations of this ad, but we all know that's not true. Does anyone know if he still ends his public appearances by wrestling a dinosaur?
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Morbidly jolly.
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Alex Trebek?
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This dude's mom did a "beginner's lesson" for belly dancing on local news and made him join.
At first I thought it was a drink umbrella. It's not. His mom brought a sword.
Two years ago, a kid from just outside Baltimore, MD was asked by his mom if he'd like to join her on the local morning news show for Baltimore's FOX45 local affiliate. His mom was invited because she taught belly dancing lessons in the area. According to the kid, who goes by Aladdin on Vimeo, "she told me the segment was going to be a quick lesson for beginners, so it was fine that I had never (read: not ever) belly danced before."
I, for one, applaud this kid for not being a shy, lame teen who never wants to do anything. The morning news crew over at FOX45, however, weren't about to give him or his mom any beginner's lessons on television. "When we came out," writes Aladdin, "there was no communication, and the hosts just threw to the music. I will repeat one more time: I have never belly danced before. This video begins as I realize I'm just going to have to go with it; I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to watch the whole thing without cringing. Thanks to Luke for filming." I don't know who Luke is, but yes, Luke, thank you. Thank you so much.
Still, Aladdin writes, it's not all bad: "They interviewed Norm Macdonald after us, top notch morning overall." Top notch indeed.
I would be remiss after quoting everything Aladdin wrote not to mention that his mom is still making him do work for her: "if you liked the video and are feeling generous, my Mom is currently raising money for a Fairy Festival in Baltimore. As of this edit she's at less than 10% of her goal. It would really make my day if you threw her a few bucks. gofundme.com/BmoreFaerieFaire." I'll do it if you post an updated video of how much you've improved in belly dancing since then. Your mom's thing does look fun, though.
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Man leads an entire subway platform in joyous Erasure singalong, earns all of our respect.
What religion or reason could drive you to forsake this dude?
You try to discover a little something to make riding the subway sweeter. Something besides rodents and mysterious puddles and fetid air. Then, lo and behold, you learn there's no reason for your commute to be forever blue, because sharing your London Underground platform is professional singer Neil Francis, and he's decided to elevate the Underground with an irresistible rendition of Erasure's hit "A Little Respect."
The clip has been going viral, predictably, and Francis explained his inspiration to break into song to BBC News: "I love the sound of the acoustics in the tube station, so I thought 'give it some'," he said. "It went mental, and got louder and louder."
Just how mental? This recording from another spot on the platform captures it pretty well:
Post by Fredrik Wik.
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This dog balancing meat on his snout has way more discipline than you.
Meeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaat...
Have you ever seen a person or animal so actively not eating something as Clark the dog here? He is so intensely not eating that piece of meat that his owner placed onto his snout that he looks like he might fall over from exhaustion at any moment. I wonder how many calories he's burning by not eating that meat. Probably a lot. Not eating that meat looks absolutely debilitating.
I have to admit, I wasn't very impressed when I watched this for the first time. I'm relatively certain that I could go way longer than fifteen seconds without eating a piece of meat on my face. I'm talking, like, forty, forty-five seconds at least.
But then I thought, what if it wasn't meat? What if it was something like a chocolate-covered pretzel. Or even a Mint Oreo! Oh, a Mint Oreo. I'm not supposed to eat those on account of I don't know how to stop eating them. If my wife found out... But they're right there in the cabinet. She won't notice one less Mint Oreo in the pack, will she? Uuuuhhhhhh...
Anyway, I gotta go.
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Chinese food
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Cuba libre.
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Cuba
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This woman finished a 'Bad Girls Club' audition to find her BMW booted, and drove off anyway.
Bad girl's boot.
Normally, driving off after getting your car booted would be considered a dumb move. But the fact that the woman in this clip was leaving an audition for the Oxygen Network's Bad Girls Club—a show where trouble is the brand—makes the stunt kind of genius. They have to give her the gig after this, right? Who are they going to go with, some girl who gets sassy with waiters after a few too many cosmos, or the girl who deals with a parking boot on her beemer by driving off as if it were a pebble on the bottom of her shoe? If it's a bad girl they're looking for, they found her.
Did she miss payments on the car? Was she parked in a handicapped spot for several hours? We don't know, and she doesn't care. She's got somewhere to be. Most likely, a court appearance.
But don't feel bad for her. Feel bad for the Oxygen employees who have to deal with these psychos.
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