You can take it with you.

Some dead lady in Cincinnati, Ohio requested in her will that her surviving German Shepard be killed and then cremated so that they could be buried together.

It's a good thing she didn't have any children.

According to KATU, those responsible for executing the woman's will happen to also be responsible for executing her dog. Much like a Pharaoh in ancient Egypt, this woman will not be making her journey to the afterlife alone. As such, Bella, the dog, is doomed to float down the river Styx. Instead of, you know, chasing sticks. I'm surprised this woman didn't stipulate that a pyramid be erected around her mummified corpse.

Technically, this is her right, because even though dogs are thinking and feeling animals who provide emotional satisfaction, they are still technically property. Of course, dogs do have some rights, like an owner can't abuse abuse their pets. But now that the Pharoah has passed, none shall stay behind.

The striking irony, of course, is that if the woman loved this dog so much that she wanted to spend eternity with her, why would she want her to be killed?

In fairness, we kill dogs in shelters all the time, but... come on! At least give Bella a chance to be adopted. The Pharaoh didn't have any slaves who could take of her until she died naturally? When was this will drafted? Bella is nine now, but had Queen Tut died earlier, would she have taken a puppy to the grave?

According to Google, the average life span of a German Shepard is 11 years.

Even the stock photo dog looks sad. (Via Google)

That's two years this Priestess wanted to steal from her beloved pet so that they can be dust together.

Since this story became public, people have come forward offering to adopt Bella, but Bella was scheduled to be put down Tuesday morning as the woman's lawyer believed he was legally required to follow her wishes.

Fortunately, KATU reported that a different lawyer came forward with information that "the dog could be sent to a shelter in Utah, if enough money is raised."

With any luck, the woman will be buried with a picture of her dog playing in the Arches Natural Park.

And let this be a lesson to everyone out there who wants to be buried with their pets: make sure to kill them before you die.

We all know there's a good reason Turtle never became as successful as his brothers.

For several years now, Jeff Wyanski of Pleated Jeans has sat down for his series Misheard Song Lyrics to earnestly transcribe the pop hits of our times the way they're really heard, which are rarely the way our non-enunciating musical contemporaries wrote them. He's covered past decades and current hits, but this week Jeff went back and selected the top mondegreens (that is the word for a misheard phrase or lyric) from the hits of 2014. So, let's gang bang into the room and soak up some of that trumpet stank.

Also: The best 200 viral videos in one supercut.

Merry what?

Calling the crazy light show on this guy's house "Christmas lights" is a bit of a stretch. It's almost as if the holidays just happened to arrive as YouTuber Tom BetGeorge was put the finishing touches on his Star Wars Rock & Roll Light Show Extravaganza. Sure, there's a large Christmas tree, but there's also a drum kit in the driveway! The candy canes make sense, but look like they've been sidelined in order to make room for the giant, flaming guitar. The display has been featured twice on Good Morning America, as part of a contest called "The Great Christmas Light Fight," but it could just as easily been a story about a technically gifted music fan who has lost the plot when it comes to both Christmas and Star Wars. Nice to look at, though.

I'm not going to kill you. I'm just going to make you wish you had an entirely different life. (Via FB)

Congratulations to the dude who was offering a free trip around the world to any girl with the same name as his ex-girlfriend, he finally found a new Elizabeth Gallagher.

Remember Jordan Axani? He's the 28-year-old dude from Toronto I reported on last month who bought some really cheap tickets to travel around the world with his girlfriend, Elizabeth Gallagher, but then got dumped (allegedly, he didn't say how the relationship ended, but... come on.) and then posted a query on reddit to find a girl with the same name as his ex he could give the tickets to so they wouldn't go to waste.

He said he wasn't looking for a girlfriend replacement, he just wanted to "give back to the universe," and we all had to hope that "give back to the universe" did not mean "kill in cold blood and then dispose of in the Ganges."

Now, a month later, the NY Post reports that he has finally found an Elizabeth Gallagher to give back to the universe!

Say hello (or goodbye) to Elizabeth Quinn Gallagher, a 23-year-old student and part-time office administrator from Cole Harbour, Nova Scotia.

"It definitely did seem a little bit creepy at the beginning, but now that I talked to him, it's less creepy and more awesome," she told the NY Post, explaining that she and Axani have now spent hours talking on the phone with each other.

We don't have a picture of her, but I'm guessing she looks like this:

Meanwhile, new Liz G. already has a serious boyfriend with whom she shares a puppy (that always works out) and plans to buy a house with, and that's why she tells The Post that her trip with Axani is "totally sort of like as friends."

Her bf, she tells the ThePost, while "not thrilled," claims that he "understands that I've always wanted to travel, so while he's not happy I'm taking off for nearly a month at Christmas with a random guy, he's smiling through it."

Cool, dude. Good luck with that.

It's literally impossible to tell when and how often a period will strike.

From the Hammerkatz sketch team at NYU comes this very, um, educational new video, entitled "Tampon Commercial - Presented By Men." If dudes were ever to use their usual trusty combo of overwhelming confidence and impenetrable obliviousness in a tampon commercial writers' room, the result women might get stuck with would look something like this:

Thank goodness dudes get grossed out so easily. Not me, though. I'm never too shy to go to the store to get my wife some egg-scooper-uppers-and-putter-back-inners when she's on her thing. The thing that is her period.

Dealing with loss on The Talk.

Losing a tooth on television would be a traumatic experience for most people. Especially if it was a real one, which would likely mean you were either a toddler, or an adult who'd been hit in the face. Tough to shrug off in either case. Sharon Osbourne didn't have to deal with losing a real tooth on TV, but during Tuesday's taping of The Talk, one of her fake ones did come loose.

Instead of freaking out about it or running off the set, she handled it like a champ. More specifically, a boxing champ who routinely loses teeth in front of large crowds.

She seemed more upset about the financial loss than with the loss of a tooth in front of television cameras. "It's on one of those … implants. And I spent a bloody fortune on these fucking teeth and they're falling out!"

Her co-hosts seemed more frazzled by it than she was. Living with Ozzy Osbourne for over thirty years has no doubt prepared her pretty well for dealing with crazy mishaps and failing body parts.

If nothing else, the incident finally has people talking about The Talk.

You gotta taste this guy's pants steaks. (Via CCSO)

Shop with a Cop is an event where disadvantaged children are given a small amount of money to go on an outing with police and shop for Christmas presents for their family and friends. The idea of it is to build positive relationships between the community and police officers.

Florida man Grant Scott Timm, 35, took advantage of this program at a Wal-Mart in Citrus County, but tweaked it just a little. He decided to Shoplift with a Cop.

The Citrus County Chronicle reports that "a deputy found Timm acting suspiciously and removing items in various sections of the Walmart before leaving the store."

Going on a shoplifting spree during a Shop with a Cop event is actually a good idea...if you're shoplifting at any other store, because then you know the cops are busy elsewhere. But to shoplift in the store where the event is happening? This guy has chutzpah! Or drugs!

Turns out it was drugs.

According to the police report, a deputy approached Timm in the parking lot and asked him if he had purchased anything. Timm said no, but said he took some steaks, the report said.

Then he removed a package of steaks from his waistband.

A bold move, just fessing up to stealing waist steaks like that. He did not, however, fess up to the methadone tablets prescribed to someone else that he had been concealing in a cigarette carton.

Timm was arrested for "retail petit theft" for his under $100 theft of pants steaks, and his bond was set at $2,500.

The moral of the story here is, you can go shoplifting with a cop, but it'll cost you.

The closest we've come to a photo booth picture of a head exploding with joy.

This is a YouTube proposal we can get behind. Why? It was done in private!

No marching bands parading through a park. No hot air balloons dropping confetti or balloons or drugged doves onto a populace that's late for work. No improv groups or jugglers or riverdance troupes invading public spaces and surrounding a couple all so that a dude can pressure a girl into saying yes because the whole event was more expensive than the ring.

They did it in a booth. Behind a curtain. And it was sweet and clever and on-camera, and not a soul was bothered in the process. Let's watch!

According to the newly affianced guy's comments on reddit, this is apparently a new-fangled digital-age photo booth that not only gives you stills, but also lets you go online and get video of the entire photo session.

The video's adorable. But those stills! Let's get a ring-spotting close-up.

Uh doyeeeeeeee!

Forget that two-months salary crap. New ad copy for diamond peddlers: "Buy her a ring that makes her go practically goddamned cross-eyed."

Fast food lunch.

Watching this woman inhale a slice of turkey in less than a second, you don't think, wow, that was quick, but rather, what the hell just happened? Was there an edit? And why the hell is the dude in the baseball hat standing behind her? Do you really need a spotter to eat a slice of turkey? Regardless, the turkey disappears so quickly that it looks more like a magic trick than a feat of speed-eating. Also, I feel obligated to point out that, even though the 14-second clip of this lovely woman eating turkey is in no way NSFW, the comments on YouTube are, not surprisingly, very NSFW, NSFL, OMG, and WTF?

The scene where Kim Jong-il tricks Hollywood into doing what he wants. Fiction!

If we can't go to the movies to watch Kim Jong-un's head explode while falling from a helicopter, the Alamo Drafthouse Cinema in Dallas/Ft. Worth wants to make sure we can at least watch his father, Kim Jong-il, be impaled on top of an old-timey spiked German military helmet. Trey Parker and Matt Stone's 2005 critique of America's muscular foreign policy (and the liberal hand-wringing that accompanied it) will play over Christmas weekend, and its combination of toilet humor and world politics—it's definitely the only feature-length puppet movie to ever name-check Hans Blix—is the perfect cultural Tylenol for the headache that is The Interview.

Does it mean that we've snatched victory from the jaws of the defeat-loving cowards over at Sony Pictures Entertainment? Not really. Their decision to pull The Interview from theaters in the face of anonymous terrorist threats after having everything on their computers stolen has hurt our morale as surely as a suicide-bomb-laden Michael Moore blowing up Mt. Rushmore.

No one walks away from explosions like we do.

But, let's be honest, shouting "America, Fuck Yeah!" will still probably feel pretty good, and with the film's biting satire of American violence and Hollywood pandering alike, it's a foul-mouthed critique of the War on Terror we can all get behind. Plus, the Alamo event won't just be the movie — it will be hosted by their "Action Pack" and will include a "quote-a-long" with subtitles for some of the movie's best lines, and of course all the songs, so that the audience can turn it into a Rocky Horror experience and soak up even more freedom.

So far, this has only been announced at the Dallas location, but let me be the first to say that New Yorkers would like to see this at our Alamo in Yonkers. Hell, I don't understand why Team America won't be playing at all movie theaters this Christmas. Yes, it's a 10-year-old movie that didn't do amazingly at the box office the first time around, but going to see it anyway is the kind of sacrifice we can all make together as Americans.

Matt Damon.

Freedom isn't free. You gotta put in your buck oh-five (actually, way more than that. It's a movie, plus you can order food to your seat at the Alamo. Like, good food. And drinks. Like, more than soda. It's a fun place. But it costs more than a dollar and five cents, is what I'm saying).

They'll always be single in our hearts.

Every year has its joys and tragedies, and 2014 was no different. We saw many of the men we dreamed would one day whisk us off our feet and out of this mundane existence get tied down by new fiancees and brides with incredible hats. Marriage, that scoundrel, took too many of our dearly beloved bachelors this year. Let's look back at the gorgeous men we lost in 2014.

1. George Clooney (1961-2014)

(Getty)

It's silly, but there are a few bachelors who you think will never get married. People so dashing and roguish that their status as unmarried gentlemen feels eternal. George Clooney was one of those people. Then, on September 27 of this year, he got married. The nation was distraught. Women wore black, and the procession behind Clooney's "Just Married" car stretched for miles. Clooney was more than just a single man—he was an icon. We'll never forget you, George, or the way that even though we've aged quite a bit since we first fell in love with you, you never seem to age at all. You may be claimed by marriage, but if your boyish smile is any indication, you'll never be claimed by death.

2. Dwyane Wade (1982-2014)

(via Google+)

It all happened so suddenly. One second, talented, muscle-y Miami Heat guard Dwyane Wade was a young guy in his prime, not ready to settle down. He and actress girlfriend Gabrielle Union broke it off in early 2013, and we all breathed a sigh of relief. They were apart long enough that Dwyane actually had a kid with another woman, and then somehow—bam! Mid-2014 and he got married to Union after all. It's hard, but sometimes you have no choice but to assume that God has a plan. You could scream to the heavens or shrug your shoulders and say wisely, "Hey, only the tall marry young."

3. Benedict Cumberbatch (1976-2014)

(Getty)

Perhaps the saddest part about losing Benedict Cumberbatch—who got engaged this year to director Sophie Hunter—is the way he announced he was affianced: in the "Forthcoming Marriages" section of The Times. God, that's classy. And it could have been us. Anyone who was able to overcome the name Benedict Cumberbatch was clearly destined for heartthrob status. But we hardly knew ye, single Benedict Cumberbatch, and now you've been taken away from us. Of course, it's only an engagement, so who knows? They could still break it off. We'll be praying for you, Benny.

4. Brad Pitt (1963-2014)

(Getty)

We've had a long time to say goodbye to bachelor Brad Pitt. His marriage to Angelina Jolie, fortunately or unfortunately, was not the swift, painless kind. It was prolonged, painful. At times it seemed like it might not happen, while at other times it seemed as inevitable as the ebb and flow of the tide. When it finally took place this summer, we felt a surprising amount of relief. Maybe the lesson he left us with is that the finality of getting hitched is preferable to the ambiguity and turmoil of a very long engagement. Also, he looks kind of dumb now anyway.

5. Neil Patrick Harris (1973-2014)

(Getty)

We know we were wrong to keep hoping, long after Neil Patrick Harris came out of the closet, that something might change. Maybe a miracle will happen, we told ourselves, like we were a backward minister and he was our wayward teenage son. We knew, in our heart of hearts, that Neil would never be ours, but on the other hand—that smile, that sense of humor, that incredible talent at musical theater! The last bit of hope died when we heard the news that Harris had married his longtime partner David Burtka this year. We're happy you can finally legally be with the man you love, but we would have been your beard, Neil. We would have been your beard.

6. Justin Timberlake (1981-2014)

(Getty)

Technically, Timberlake has been dead to us since he married Jessica Biel in 2012, but the nail in his bachelor coffin was his wife's (still unconfirmed but pretty obvious) pregnancy. Were we wrong to think his devil-may-care good looks might still be ours even after he married Ms. Biel? We saw the ring on his finger, but a baby is so much more real than a little metal trinket. It's a living, breathing confirmation that Justin belongs to Jessica now. Now he's super dead. Like super super super dead. Figuratively.