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Turning tables.


Kinky Friedman called Chris Christie and Jerry Jones "latent homosexuals" during a bizarre ESPN interview.

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Getting kinky on ESPN.

Not sure what ESPN was expecting from a guy named "Kinky" when they booked him to appear on Outside the Lines, but it's safe to say he went a little further outside the lines than they were hoping.

Wikipedia describes Kinky as a "country singer, songwriter, novelist, humorist, politician," which means he's not especially good at any one of those things. He does seem to have knack for being oddly controversial, which is what he did during his interview with Bob Ley.

After Ley asked him about New Jersey Governor Chris Christie's awkward hug-in with Jerry Jones and his posse in the Cowboys owner's box, Kinky claimed that the two were involved in "the most important, latent homosexual relationship since Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson."

The interview didn't get worse than that, but it didn't get a whole lot better either.

The most surprising thing about it is it took nearly three minutes for someone to cut his mic. Evidently, implying that the Governor of New Jersey and an NFL owner are erotically inclined towards each other is one thing, but calling someone a "thin-sock-wearing yankee" is where ESPN draws the line.

Keep it up.

6 new contenders for the single most enjoyable note ever written by a coworker.

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Screw all of you. I'm the cake boss.(via)

Adults are basically just children who've grown fat, watched their dreams die, and learned to shrink from confrontation. So it follows that the modern workplace is just as petty and territorial as your typical elementary school playground, except there's a lot less spitting and hair-pulling, and a lot more bitchy note-writing. The most successful workplace notes strive to entertain just as much as they impolitely advise and chastise, and the notes collected here are some of the best of the medium.

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Probably a short term problem. Seeing as you'll be fired and all.(via)

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If not the kitchen, then where?(via)

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"A" for effort, "F" for F you, too.(via)

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So... buttons are still cool?(via)

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Pretty funny, boss. But where's the part about the money?(via)

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Updated 1.07.15


As if he had to mention he was Canadian.(via)

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In the event of an earthquake, the bathroom isn't a bad place to be.(via)

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When quitting, a good rule of thumb is a 2,000 calorie notice.(via)

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Or as "healthy" as Cup Noodles get.(via)

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Lukas might want to update his resume 4 days ago.(via)

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At least a beating would be quicker and more exciting.(via)

(updated 12.08.14)


Got a problem with it? Talk to Annette.(via)

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Eat the cupcake, your kid will never know. (via)

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How about Cocktor Pepper? (via)

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Someone's on the Candy Crush Diet.(via)

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As if the French Bread Pizza Bandit would ever bother to read that.(via)

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That kind of sounds like your problem, Tony.(via)



Funny one, 90s kid.(via)

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Notes are a great way to spot a place with great job security.(via)

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The part about it being a high tech company wasn't even necessary.(via)

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Even if it were, I wouldn't take it from that sink. (via)

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A tribute to DeFrost Kelley.(via)

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I bet some of that medication is missing.(via)

(updated 9.08.14)


Clearly the work of a career food thief.(via)


Can never be sure when you work at Disney.(via)

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The time on the microwave speaks volumes.(via)

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Thanks, but I've already got a paper strips guy.(via)

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The law offices of Passive, Aggressive and Annoying.(via)

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"So it is written, so it shall be flushed."(via)

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"That's so funny, because I lick your pens too!" (via)

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Recurring dreams go in the blue bin.(via)

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Nice thought, especially considering the source.(via)

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You'd think at this point it would be up for grabs.(via)

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Thanks, but that doesn't really solve the problem.(via)

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It's not what you think - a guy named "Jack" took a half-day.
To masturbate.
(via)

Updated 8.11.14


Episode VIII: The Cubicle Menace.(via)

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Caution: Faint while using the urinal and you'll never hear the end of it.(via)



Gas station spelling error. It's supposed to say "Pimp 6."(via)



For Rachel's sake, I hope she's leaving.(via)



Asking for trouble in a mostly female office.(via)



"Wide awake... staring at this blank screen." (via)

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Who do I see about getting a glass of milk?(via)



That is one low bar for "nice things."(via)



Keep it up and the printer will outlast you.(via)



"Thanks for reminding me.. to let it gooooo!"(via)


Don't encourage them!(via)

Never forget 5.05.14(via)

Updated 6.10.14

"I'd actually prefer to speak with your commanding officer." (via)

So you're saying it's organic? (via)



Someone's making this way too complicated. (via)



Time to strat over. (via)



Saying goodbye with cat litter box cake.(via)


"Oh my God! I'm spilling my coffee everywhere!"(via)


Thanks! How about an aisle traffic report? (via)


And productivity is down.(via)


This must not be the first time the pot was left empty.(via)


"Yes! I can do this!"(via)


This is the storyboard for Taken 9: Office Hijinks.(via)


Two weeks later I bet it's still sitting there. (via)

Updated 4/16/14


"You mean the one with the reindeers and all the fingerprints?" (via)


Also good for sending passive aggressive messages to grimy coworkers.(via)


Whether it's toilet seats or soup, no one likes a cold bowl.(via)


As an optimist, I'm guessing cupcake.(via)


One is obviously for the personal use of the genius who wrote the note. (via)


Ew! He didn't even lift up the seat!(via)


Coffee burn!(via)


Lee should report Steve's "XO" to HR.(via)


As an optimist, I see the sink as half-empty.(via)


It's "demasiado," dum-mas. (via)


Every picture tells a story. This one looks disgusting. (via)


I guess "please flush" wasn't doing the trick.(via)

Updated 2/10/14:


Please make sure your kitchen notes adhere to AP style, thx. (Via)


Easier than trying to figure out what that little icon on the tray is supposed to mean.(Via)


Fine, we'll pass the time by touching each other.(Via)


Betting those messy dishes are less unsightly than a wall full of memes.(Via)


Of course she did. Even expired Rolos are still better than non-expired everything else. (Via)


Well, Luke, thanks for all the hours you've logged. (Via)

Updated 11/19/13:


All is forgiven, Lee. Easy on the sprinkles next time. This isn't kindergarten. (Via)


Printers don't have mothers. They burst forth from hell and land directly on Best Buy shelves.(Via)


They need to stop hiring out-of-work wizards onto the cleaning staff.(Via)


Darcy might have an eating disorder. Or he needs a raise. (Via)


Bet they have to put up a new sign come January.(Via)


I'd never complain about meetings running long if they were run by Bussiness Cat. (Via)

Update 10/16/13:


Still doesn't look secure. He should have put the filing cabinet on top of it for weight.



Guess some people like to make signs at the urinal instead of conversation.


A pen so awesome it will make you racist against yourself.


A delicious treat and it makes you regular? Sign us up!


Don't fall for the sign. They eat donuts really awkwardly too.


I like this office. They don't mess around.

Updated 9/19/13:


...and coffee is the only thing that puts us back together.


She went out of her way to make such a nice sign. She porbably appreciates the notes.


Probably a restaurant. Anyone with a special "pasta fridge" in their office has no right to be angry.


No, honey, I haven't been kissing anyone. I've just been stealing food.


Did she spell "highness" wrong? Or "You're"?


Worst. Day care center. Ever.

Updated 8/20/13:


I'd brew me. I'd brew me so hard.


Offices shouldn't be telling us how to love!


Open casket. It woud have wanted it that way.


The signs are breeding.


Say yes indeed to weed.


They really need to clean that vending room if it's got a groundhog problem.

Updated 7/24/13:


Alert. Pointless Signs!


If you'd taught the kitten to attack, the Tupperware thief would have been dead already.


Hopefully our time machines will be more reliable than our copy machines.


We all have our signature style.


The TL;DR version of the above.


Speak for yourself. My nickels give me balance.

Updated 6/27/13:


Physician, heal thyself.


You've got to really love stealing office equipment if you're taking the drains.


We'd risk our job for half an oreo.


Side-note: Keurig coffeee is always horrible. We'd quit if they started making us use those K-cups.


So medium-sized poos are cool?


If you know the author of this sign, withold your love from them. They are undeserving of love.

Updated 5/31/13:


Thanks for the choices! We'll take option B.



This is why we don't let our utensils date.


Follow the old ladies. They know where the comfier chairs are.


Or just burst in. It's adorable watching them scurry under their desks.


But we took the red pill! You have no choice when you work in an office.

Updated 4/11/13:


You mean besides cut-up chickens, pigs, cows, and probably horses if this is Europe?


"Pardon me, I was just wondering where I could get one of those signs!"


Some people give a shit; others take them without warning during the work day.


Office communications are so much clearer when there's clearly no HR.


Sounds like a cheesy cheddar challenge! ...aaaand there's a fire.


That chair wanted to hold the ass of a big start-up entrepeneur, but she got an IT guy.

Updated 3/11/13:


This is why we microchipped all our pens. Too many sickos out there.


Memes: The best passive-aggressive retort there is.


Maybe we should all just switch to "Ur" for everything and stop embarrassing ourselves.


I'm sorry. Your husband didn't put a lid on his reheated pasta. Now you have to pay.


He might have fun. He might also discover who he was meant to be.


This note is also works great when you put it on the office door of your least favorite coworker.

Updated 1/28/13:


When will Serge and Wendall stop this bickering and realize they're in love...with pee?


Please try to achieve the level of joylessness that's expected of you.


The plate kidnapped itself, Lebowski. It owed crumbs all over town.


We were going to drop some M-80s down its drain, but the sledgehammer sounds fun too.


If our workplace instituted this rule we'd strike.


The zombie thing is cute, but does the original sign mean you could really lose your job for eating someone's hot pocket?

Updated 12/10/12:


That stuff really works, btw. We can steal Karen's yogurt whenever we want now!


It's worth the $18/hour. Sandra is an absolutely scintillating conversationalist. You'll weep.


That drain sucks!


They still don't know who shot that room.


Matt doesn't have a whole lot going on for himself right now.


These facility repairs will be seen as cheesy at first, but will attain a cult status when they hit video.


Fran will devote the rest of her days to making you shit too much.

Updated 10/10/12:


"Did you see Homeland last night? It made me reflect on Plato's Cave and ideal forms."


The prophet Isiah said one day a female Messiah shall deliver women from Aunt Flo.


Dietary harassment is a growing problem in the modern, fat workforce.


That mug is the reason local news now shows Ceramic Alerts.


Something tells us that guy likes to push everyone's buttons a lot.


After all, if you don't throw out the box, no one else can put in food to steal.


That lack of self-control also applies to resisting the urge to write passive-agressive notes.

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Jon Stewart on what comedy means (and what it shouldn't) in the wake of the Charlie Hebdo attack.

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Yesterday's killing of at least 12 staff members of the satirical newspaper Charlie Hebdo by possibly Qaeda-affiliated terrorists in Paris was a tragedy for believers in free speech everywhere, but particularly for satirists, cartoonists and comedians. As the face and voice of one of America's leading satirical institutions, a lot of people tuned into The Daily Show last night to get insight from a man who has had to put on his serious face for insight too many times over the last year. Stewart has also just released a documentary, Rosewater, about Iran jailing a man for speaking to a Daily Show reporter, so he has some experience with fundamentalist intolerance of comedy. If someone was going to be able to say something to help put this in context, it's him. Fortunately, he did.

Comedy shouldn't have to be brave, because our usual targets—the leaders of our society and government—enshrined satirists' right to make fun of them in our Constitution (and in similar founding documents across the world since). Our usual targets are our friends and countrymen, not to be confused with the real enemy: hate and backwardness.

Go Team Civilization!

Wise older bro explains to crying little bro that naps make everything better.

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Is there anything more frustrating than when we give small children the opportunity to nap and they won't take it? If someone tucked me into a crib right now, I'd be so grateful, I'd potty train myself. Then I'd sleep for like ten hours and wake up in an excellent mood.

5 1/2 foot boa constrictor slithers out of San Diego toilet, into your nightmares.

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The Andy Dufresne of snakes. (via SD Animal Services)

Forget what you are supposed to be worried about today; a snake could be coming out of your toilet.

Downtown San Diego PR exec Stephanie Lasca went to the bathroom (she did not say why) and noticed the water levels were abnormally high. She went to plunge the toilet—way to be an executive of the people—and plunged up a five and a half foot toilet snake.

Dear god, what did she eat?

She tells KTLA 5, "As it came out I noticed a flicker of a tongue."

Nice move, toilet snake. I'm totally going to try that the next time someone walks in on me in the bathroom.


If I found this behind my toilet, it had better be a snake. (via KTLA 5)

The snake climbed out of the john and hid behind it on the ground, so Lasca slammed the door on it to let it have its privacy.

Animal control came in to remove the reptile, and reported that it was a Colombian Rainbow Boa, and that it was "grouchy" enough to bite one of the handlers, which is to be expected of any animal that has just pulled a Shawshank Redemption.


The best way to get a snake to bite you is to stretch it out for the camera.
(via SD Animal Services)

KTLA 5 reports that, according to the PR company's PR release, it is "not completely unusual" for animals to enter plumbing systems, especially in rural areas or in old buildings with stone foundations.

So, think about that every time you sit on the toilet for the rest of your life.

Or, recognize the source. Pretty nice PR release, Vertical Marketing and PR. Don't be surprised if next year this company has a rat king in their ventilation system.

Emma Stone and Andrew Garfield totally busted this person trying to steal a picture of them.

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Hi, we see you. (via Imgur)

A reddit user's friend tried to snap a pic on the sly of Hollywood's best photoboming couple Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone. Despite the conspirator's subtle mugging for the camera, the two were totally onto it.

Emma makes a wildly excited face as if to say "Congrats, you have evidence that you live on the same planet as a person you recognize," while Garfield strokes his beard, perhaps hoping to pull out a sign to direct the photographer to a charitable organization.

Either way, chalk this one up as a win for couples sitting next to and not across from each other at dinner.


Windshield factor.

Conan O'Brien got serious on last night's show to address the attack on Charlie Hebdo and comedy in general.

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Conan O'Brien has been a late-night host for almost 22 years, but before that, before The Simpsons and SNL, O'Brien was the editor-in-chief of the satirical college magazine, TheHarvard Lampoon. He has been in the poking-fun business for a long time, but in his statement last night on his show, he sounds more like the kind of idealistic kid who would become one of the only two-term editors-in-chief in the Lampoon's history (his sophomore and junior years) than a cynical pro. A tragedy like this makes one reflect on why comedy is important, and it's clear he's thought of it for a long time.

If you haven't seen it yet, I also wrote about Jon Stewart's reaction to the event, and why it's sad that comedy still requires bravery.

Microsoft billionaire Steve Ballmer cannot dance, but he does have some sick moves.

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Money might not be able to buy you happiness—or, evidently, rhythm—but it clearly will bring moments of joy in its purest form into your life. Moments like the one new LA Clippers owner and former Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer experienced while dancing(?) to Fergie during last night's game. He looks like he's being tickled by God.

He may be a big Fergie fan, but I imagine this is how he looks getting out of bed. Or washing his scalp in the shower. Or anywhere else he happens to be when he remembers he's worth 22 billion dollars.

14 photos that show just how unbelievably cold it is right now.

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Clearly a sign you should not go outside. (via)

I took a poll of me, and 100% of respondents thought it was too damn cold today. It's in the single digits here in New York, and we know that seems like nothing to those of you dealing with sub-zero temperatures in the Midwest. Let's all keep ourselves warm over a nice toasty fire of Schaudenfreude—at least we're not as cold as the suckers who took these photos.


This is what it looks like when a dog decides he doesn't need to go that badly. (via)



Don't go chasing waterfalls. They're all frozen. (via)



You'll have to drill a carrot in for a nose. (via)



Whatever, Wisconsin barista. You get to handle hot liquids all day. (via)



Could be a typo. Could be the end times. (via)



The peaceful sound of a frozen fountain. (via)



Your own fault for going outside voluntarily, sir. (via)



The cold is coming from inside the house. (via)



Smart paint hunts for warmer place to live. (via)



Go home window, you're drunk. (via)



Oh no! It's attacking the only thing that makes up for it! (via)



You can turn your back on winter, but you can't make it spring. (via)



This is in Texas. :( (via)

King on his throne.

5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - January 8, 2015

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1. Neil DeGrasse Tyson To Host Late Night Talk Show Aimed At Dorks

Popular astrophysicist (two words that are almost never used together) Neil deGrasse Tyson will be hosting his very own late night talk show. Star Talk—which will be an adaptation of his astronomy podcast of the same name—will air on the National Geographic Channel and will presumably feature him interviewing quasars and neutron stars and shit.


2. Judge Gives Californians The All-Clear To Start Torturing Geese To Death Again

A California judge yesterday overturned a statewide ban against restauranteurs serving the bloated, distended livers of geese who were tortured over the course of months via systematic force-feeding of grain, more commonly known as foie gras. Foodies and goose-haters across the Golden State are applauding the decision.


3. David Cross Cutting Out The Middle Man And Just Dropping His New Movie Onto BitTorrent Himself

Comedian David Cross has decided to distribute his cinematic directorial debut, Hits, through the file-sharing site BitTorrent starting next month, using a pay-what-you-will model promotional strategy. In addition, it looks as though sketch comedy fans will finally be getting a Mr. Show with Bob & Davidreunion special later this year. Looks like 2015 is going to be a big year for critically acclaimed cult darlings that make no money.



4. New Phone App Will Tell You When Your Disgusting Breath Smells Disgusting

Smartphone users may soon have a new app with the ability to monitor the chemicals in their saliva and tell them whether or not they have bad breath, which should eliminate the need to brush one's teeth unnecessarily and free up time for buying more phone apps.



5. Recently Discovered Antibiotic Could Stop Superbugs Until We Overuse It And Create Super-Duperbugs

Scientists have discovered a powerful new antibiotic hidden in the soil of Maine, which may have the ability to fight so-called "superbugs" that were believed to be resistant to medicine. Physicians and patients everywhere are excited to begin using it into ineffectiveness as soon as it becomes available on the market.


Catholic Filipinos encouraged to crap themselves during the Pope's visit.

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The Diaper Pope on the job. (via Getty Images)

Would you wear adult diapers if you didn't need them? Depends on if the pope's coming. No, seriously, put your Depends on if the pope is coming.

Manila authorities are requesting that everyone wear diapers if they are to witness his holiness when he comes to visit this January. 6 million people are expected to show up to his final mass Jan. 18 and the city doesn't have nearly close to the 6 thousand portable toilets they would need to handle all the waste.

Francis Tolentino, chairman of the Metropolitan Manila Development Authority, told a local radio station that the diapers can absorb "up to four rounds of urination."

Maybe less, depending on how much of Jesus's blood you drink during mass.

The police are the first to be Pampered, as AOL reports that "about 2,000 traffic enforcers who will be on duty during the papal visit will be required to wear adult diapers."

Tolentino has also suggested that, among the millions of devotees, "priests, nuns, seminarians, and the elderly—though presumably not Pope Francis himself—should also consider diapers."

Presumably not the pope? You know what happens when you presume? You make a pres out of u and mably.

Come on! This is the people's pope! He leaves his bubble car to touch sick people! He's not above wearing diapers like everyone else!

After all, we are all non-toilet trained children in the eyes of god.


Stars! They're just like us.

It's way more fun to watch parents give kids "the talk" for the first time than it is to be there.

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All parents are sexless to kids, no matter what combination of genders they are.

Here's a parenting tip: make sure all your kids have older brothers, because older brothers will handle "the talk" for you. Every other kid in this video full of parents explaining the facts of life to their kids is constantly shocked and unnerved by the information they're absorbing, but the kid with Nick for a brother is already over this whole sex thing and ready to go back to playing video games.

When Cut Video brought us grandmothers smoking weed for the first time, we knew we were watching a unique moment in history (Washington state legalizing recreational use). Their video "100 years of beauty" was about how some things are timeless even when they're constantly changing. When they brought us couples playing "sex position charades" (trying to mime out unfamiliar-sounding positions), they captured the hilarious awkwardness that happens whenever you actually have to think too hard about sex. This is all of those things at once. Families may look different over time, but the talk is always the same (the kid with two moms definitely did not have an easier time hearing the word "vagina"). It only happens once per kid, but it is happening every single day all across the country, and most of the time it's hilarious. Unless their older brother got there first.

Calvin Klein Photoshopped pubes onto Justin Bieber.

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#mycalvins, #notmypubes (via TMZ)

Did you think that Justin "Piss Bucket" Bieber would never grow pubes?

Never say never.

TMZ got the exclusive on the before pics of Bieb's baby body from the CK photo shoot where, among the expected shadowy muscle definition and enhanced pelvic "V", we can see growing a fresh crop of Photoshopped pubes.

They also did a pretty sweet job photoshopping off this woman's clothes.

Why doesn't he grow his own? So sad what happens to children with Bieber fever.

This ad is just another addition to the mounting pile of evidence that Baby Bieber isn't even real at all, but a bit by bit graphic representation of a boy idol generated by a computer to piss in mop buckets and delight the public.

Woman puts condom on her leg to make a point about condoms and penis size.

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Maybe she just has microfeet. (via)

Finally! Definitive proof that a foot can fit inside of a condom!

I mean, finally! Definitive proof that when a guy says he's too big for a condom, he's lying!

Zara Larsson, the Swedish singing sensation, took to Instagram to prove that her (presumably normal-sized) foot and lower leg fit inside of a condom. She captioned the image "To all the guys saying 'my dick is too big for condoms' TAKE A SEAT." (The Swedes have such a lovely way with the English language.)

That's right, take a seat, gents! Otherwise you're going to lose your balance while we forcefully put condoms over each of your calves to make our point: condoms stretch.

The image has gone viral, with tens of thousands of shares from women who maybe never thought to use a condom as a shoe, but suspected something was amiss when dudes bragged about their size.

On her blog, Larsson claimed she never intended to make a feminist statement:

"I merely meant it as a funny joke. Since then newspapers have been writing about what a feminist genius I am!... I don't see myself as some kind of holy Mother Mary of feminism. I am very well aware that there are many, many girls out there that are much better than me in so many ways and receive much too little attention."

You're right. But they're not better than you at putting condoms on their feet.

Chris Evans escorted Betty White on stage at the People's Choice Awards and the Internet's heart momentarily melted.

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The People's Captain. (via)

The big moment—really, the only "moment"—from the perennially forgettable People's Choice Awards last night was when Betty White was announced as this year's Favorite TV Icon. Considering that the 93-year-old was sitting in the front row, and her "competition" were no-shows, it's safe to assume that no one in Vegas lost money when Ellen DeGeneres announced Betty's name.

As Betty showcased her dramatic chops by acting surprised, Chris "Captain America" Evans leapt into action and escorted the living legend to the stage.

Before the first tears off joy hit the floor in the Director's booth, the Internet had already begun losing its collective mind over the fact that a handsome Hollywood celebrity would take the time to offer a hand to an elderly woman about to climb a set of stairs on live television.

While everyone on Twitter debated whether this act of common decency made Evans the greatest man ever, or simply the kindest, no one seemed to notice that there was already a guy in place ready to escort Betty to the stage before Evans stepped in: the silver fox sitting to Betty's left that happened to be her date!

Betty White Escort on Make A Gif

Captain America? More like Captain Cockblock!

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