1. Stay on your parents' phone bill. Forever.

Opening envelopes dries out your nail beds, and reading dollar amounts furrows your brow, causing wrinkles. Save that aging stuff for your parents, because nobody cares what they look like anymore. While they may nag at you each month to pay your portion of the bill, nothing will make them happier than knowing you spent your (or their) hard-earned money on a photo app that turns microphones into dicks, or makes your hair look like glitter. Plus, your Dad loves talking to Jeff in customer support. They're bulls.

2. Never open a savings account.

Having a savings account will allow you to plan for your future but may persuade you to skip that facial or drinks with friends. What are you saving for anyway? You're going to be famous and rich later in life, but only if you enjoy every second of your 20s and 30s. Nobody wants to read a memoir written by the responsible girl who made all the right decisions and moved to Connecticut. They want to hear about the girl who almost got kidnapped by a group of men because she thought their car was a cab.

3. Don't pay off your student loans.

If you never pay your student loans, it's sort of like you never left college. Loans are meant to be repaid in attitude and positive thoughts, not actual money. Payment plans are for geeks, and they give you grey hairs.

4. Actually, never even finish college.

When people ask me what my major was in college, I say, "one credit shy of adorable." This doesn't make any sense and lowers people's expectations of me. I've had my student ID for 10 years. I still like to go cruising for cuties in the student lounge. I'm actually typing this on one of my alma mater's (Marymount Manhattan) desktops as we speak.

5. Never check your credit score.

You know that old saying "You'll never get AIDS, if you never get tested"? That's how I feel about my credit score. I know friends who've spent countless hours trying to reverse the damage they've done to their credit. Worry about reversing sun damage instead. Moisturize moisturize moisturize. You can still get a golden glow wearing SPF 30.

6. File your nails, not your taxes.

Debtor's prison no longer exists, and you look so pretty when you cry at the bank. Put the "social" back in social security. Make up a new social security number everyday. I think it's the same as forgetting your password. They ("the white men") will send you a "reset social" email at your behest.

7. Never sign a lease.

Move around a lot. Keep changing addresses, and the government will never find you. The flush in your cheeks that only comes from potential homelessness can last up to a week.

8. Never get health insurance.

Once, I fell on First Avenue while intoxicated and needed to be rushed to the ER, where I got eight stitches and some pretty big laughs. I remember recieving a whole bunch of letters about paying thousands of dollars for this hospital visit. But I never did (see #7). Now I'm a yoga-practicing, vitamin-popping superhero. The more I fight off infections without antibiotics, the stronger I become. I jaywalk all day. All Day. I strongly believe my end will come when an angry cyclist literally rides through my body, bisecting it perfectly in half. And I simply don't have any cool half-body outfits, so what's the point?

Stay fun, stay young.

Plot twist: That's her hairdresser, he just has a very unusual working style. (via)

Dildos. Tampons. Grandparents. Butts. What do these things have in common? They are often in the backgrounds of photos taken by people who leave their dildos, tampons, old people and naked butts out so often they didn't even notice that they were there. As more and more of our lives are captured in photos and videos, the risk of our embarrassing personal items/body parts continues to rise, until finally we'll be forced to hide all of our embarrassing things before we turn on our devices every morning because the world is one giant webcam. On the other hand, it won't be all bad because we'll get to look at everyone else's embarrassing stuff. Like these folks:

That is an impressive backside...of that hill covered in graffiti. (via

Kent.... such a total Kent. (via)

New at-home weight-loss trick bends space itself. Physicists HATE her! (via

Not for sale: the biological weapons at the bottom of the picture. (via)

Mt. Rushmore is visited by millions of fans of Homer & Bart Simpson every year. (via)

Things we know about this man: he owns a crib, a gilded TV, and nothing else. (via)

Updated 12/15/14:

'Pis the season.(via)

Looks light there might be some pants, bunched up around the ankle area. (via)

Does a lazorcat chase the dots it creates on the wall? (via)

Awwww. Don't ever grow up, or turn around within the next few minutes. (via)

Seems like there's enough balls on the tree, but only one Yule log. (via)

Summertime, and the living is...creepily in the background of girls' pictures. (via)

Updated 11/10/14:

Most baby pictures are used to embarrass the kid later, but this little baby's foot photobomb will haunt its dad for life. (via)

Taken moments before the Keene, NH Pumpkinfest riot, which presumably started because OF THAT SCANDALOUS KISS! (via)

Fortunately, the genetics of intelligence are pretty complex, so don't give up on her yet. (via)

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If the Internet has taught me anything, it's that our shadows are always bangin'. (via)

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The album title of "Randomness" makes me wonder about what happens later. (via)

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Well, to be fair, it's more like someone should have done a background check on that kid's parents. (via)

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Uh, why would you want one? (via)

Updated 10/13/14:

Apparently, their tour guide insisted this was the best photo op in the cave.
What a dick.(via)

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Don't worry. She doesn't remember it. (via)

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Alright, fine. This background is pretty awesome. They actuallytried to take another one
and the same thing happened again. (via)

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Actually, if you look closely, literally everyone is taking a bad picture here. (via)

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Peemur. Yep. I went there. Peemur. (via)

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Uhhhh. Actually. EVERYTHING is wrong with this picture. (via)

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An oldie (and on TV), but a classic. Situational awareness, CNN. Try it sometime. (via)

Updated 9/8/14:

Hint: Aunt Sally is crouching behind grandpa.

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I'll go first: I offer myself as sacrifice to this dress!

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Any kid who can steal the focus away from four pretty ladies is going places in life.

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"Grandma's retirement home is like college, except no one has class or cares about STDs."

Updated 8/11/14:

I'm surprised the phone isn't an Android.

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It took me a long time to realize that Georgia was a dog.
I just thought that was a really rude way of describing this part of Georgia.

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You should also do it for the love of dog, because they don't like being merkins.

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Stacks 'n stacks 'n stacks of high-quality printer paper.

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Her skin issues require being surrounded by tons of healthy skin.
Also, don't think it's a dude.

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I don't know who any of these people are, but I'm mostly interested in Bigfoot.

IT SAYS "MUD." MUD. IT'S A MAKEUP BRAND. LOOK IT UP. "MUD," THAT IS!

Updated 7/7/14:

But when I say it's just the pants making it look that way, no one believes me.

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Consider it a preview of everything before potty training is done.

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I can't tell if he's being dangled or retrieved.

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Say what you will, this kid will grow up to be great on social media.

All the ladies are wearing them at the Kentucky Derby these days.

Technically that's in the foreground, but it started in the background, and they
really should have checked.

Updated 6/6/14:

I hope they checked the caliber of his diaper before doing that.(via)

To be fair, this guy is kind of a dick for making this photo all about him.(via)

Man, there's just boobs coming out of the woodworks these days. (via)

5 minutes later he walked by again. And then 5 minutes after that. And so on.(via)

Bonus TV background checks:="text-align:>

Raising the bar, dude. Raising the bar.

Not technically uploaded online, but someone should have cut away here. (via)

Updated 5/5/14:

Selfies really do reveal a lot more about you than you intend. (via)

I guess they got two copies so their kids can watch a dvd that's never been seen by
someone smoking a crack pipe. (via)

A great part of traveling is seeing how other people behave on the beach.(via)

Son, you'll always remember when I took your picture tonight in my tighty-whiteys. (via)

I'm more interested in meeting the people behind you and to the left. (via)

Someone has really thought of everything for tonight, not even including the Miller High Lifes,
clothes hangers and remotes. (via)

That's a cute top. That, on the other hand, is a horrifying bottom. (via)

Updated 4/2/14:

Just a long, curved toothbrush holder in case she needs to freshen up at the dance.(via)

She should've checked her background in real life, as well.(via)

Ah. The romance of what is hopefully Europe.(via)

Either way, these two are exhibiting great teamwork.(via)

Sweater made me think bowling alley, but now I'm more worried 'cuz it looks like Denny's.
(via)

I'm more concerned about that old dude barging in like that. (via)

Apparently, the person who posted this had it on their fridge for years before noticing.(via)

Updated 3/5/14:

Small and available beats huge and nonexistant. (via)

Sometimes even white linen suits could stand to be a little breezier. (via)

This is a brief way of summing up college. (via)

In case you ever wondered what happened to the guy who built a 6-foot bong in college. (via)

Road Rassh. (via)

Someone's nephew wanted to share his video game stats. He also shared his love of
beautiful, sensual women who love the same thing. Also, he is not TechnoViking. (via)

Updated 1/07/14:

If you turn the picture upside down, you can see the same shape between the glasses.(via)

Goodbye University, Hello Unemployableness! (via)

I can't believe this creep is wearing sunglasses indoors. (via)

It turns out Christians find cows holy after all. (via)

We must all be on the lookout for small men riding our family members. (via)

Yeah, you're probably not going to have 147 updates anymore once this gets out.(via)

Updated 11/18/13:

The ass is coming from inside the house.

Can we talk about the angle of that woman's arm? Definitely more disturbing than the coke.

I now realize all my friends' annoying gym statuses could be a lot worse.

And why shouldn't Grandma be proud? Those muscles are made of her cooking.

Only in New York! Or, wherever this is. Only in wherever, am I right?

The really weird thing? It's not a mirror, it's a window! DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNN.

Updated 10/14/13:

I don't care if she is a little tall, young lady, you do not call a giraffe your grandma.

I assume we're all laughing at his Wall of Hats.

Oh my god, are those Uggs back there? That is revolting.

I'm pretty sure that man just successfully shoplifted some produce in his pants.

Can we talk about how wearing sunglasses is already like blurring your eyes?

More like the cat should have checked the foreground of his picture, am I right?

Updated 9/12/13:

Oh, hello Robin Thicke. Is sliding fingers up not-your-wife's butt a blurred line?

Why does he think people on the subway want to see that shade of blue?

There are times I'm glad the zoom technolgies on CSI are impossible.

The pre-show was them making violent threats from the casting couch.

Who just leaves bottled water out in the open like that?

Updated 8/09/13:

It's like a Calvin and Hobbes sticker come to life.

These bees have weird stingers.

Could it be more disturbing? Try to rule out the possibility that it's a dead deer. See?

That is not a ladies' room, and suddenly the whole world is in question.

No wonder that man in the back doesn't need to care what he looks like.

I'm pretty sure the Wizard is in there too, but I can't find him!

Updated 7/18/13:

Good question, person who inserted that arrow. Who needs that much generic Immodium?

I guess the guy in the background is grabbing the gun in his underwear.

The dress says a night out. The item on the dresser suggests otherwise.

Granted, modesty doesn't seem to be the theme of whatever show they're prepping.

Ah, 2007. An more innocent time when people just let their dildos hang out wherever.

Folow-up question: his ball, where is it?

Updated 6/21/13:

They're like cleavage twins, except one of the twins is way less attractive.

Those kangaroos took the only shot they had at making a sex tape involving Paris Hilton.

That woman is riding a mechanical bull, FYI, not receiving oral sex from Satan.

The fourth leg of any good triathalon involves a marathon ball-scratching session.

We understand, rocker lady. Bassists never get the groupies.

It's unclear whether or not he's peeing, but he's clearly not in the bathroom.

Updated 5/23/13:

What makes this exponentially worse is he was being interviewed about the Boston bombing.

Why are his shades pixelated but not his ass in the mirror?

"And in the back, you can see James doing his pre-workout cleanse." (pause at 00:21)

Love and marriage, love and marriage, they go together like a baby and dru-ugs.

Is that the same pink dildo the Boston guy had?

Guess there's more than one stuffed animal in this house. HEY-O. Sorry.

Maybe instead of Facebook you should upload this to, we don't know, the police?

We're glad everything cleared up in time for you.

It is not a nice day for a white wedding.

No, Mitch. We all lost, thanks to you.

This could have gone differently.

Alex Nash, 5, is in debt.

After failing to attend a nursery school classmate's birthday party because of last minute plans with his grandparents, Alex received an invoice in his backpack.

(via Plymouth Herald)

Yes, that's right. Rather than asking Alex's parents in person to defray the cost or simply letting it go, the birthday boy's mom typed up an invoice and put it in Alex's backpack.

The cost of the party at the Ski Slope and Snowboard Centre per kid was apparently nearly 16 pounds. The professional-looking invoice (which lists the order number as "verbal") is for a "Child's Party No Show Fee" and even includes a place for tax (there is none).

While we've all wanted to do this for a missing wedding guest or two, doing it for a child's birthday party is pretty harsh.

Alex's dad, Derek, at first assumed the bill was a joke, but quickly realized it was not.

The problem is that birthday parties have gotten entirely too expensive. They shouldn't cost more per kid than a slice of Costco cake and half a jar of bubbles. Back in my day, all you needed for a party was a public swimming pool, a couple of floats, and a strong sense of self-righteousness. There was definitely no snowboarding, and we never, ever spelled "centre" that way.

Alex and his dad, with the invoice heard round the world. (via Plymouth Herald on Facebook)

Alex's dad went over to the birthday boy's house and told off his mom for complaining to them this way. He refused to pay for anything, saying they would have canceled but didn't have any contact information for her.

The birthday boy's mom has responded with equal maturity and has now threatened to take Alex's parents to small claims court, even though that will cost more than the amount she's trying to reclaim. Now the birthday boy won't even play with Alex at school!

The issue was finally settled over a hot cuppa as Tanya, Alex's mum, and Julie Lawrence, the mom of the birthday boy, got together to discuss things in person.

Just kidding! Naturally, Tanya and Julie turned to Facebook to continue having an angry, pointless argument that was then leaked to the press. Now the story's gone viral, and any hope there ever was that this ridiculous disagreement could be settled civilly is long gone.

If you've ever been in an airplane that burst into applause after a smooth landing, it's because experienced fliers know things like this are possible.

Believe it or not, this harrowing footage of Dash-8 and ATR twin-engine commuter planes struggling to touch down on a tarmac being assailed by gale-force gusts comes not from some remote outpost at the wind-swept end of the Earth--it was shot at Birmingham Airport, just southeast of Birmingham, England. With 9.7 million passengers, it's the UK's 7th-most-trafficked airport, although after watching this, I'm surprised there are even 97 people annually who are willing to risk this each year. It's not always like this, of course, but only one runway remains open at BHX (an older, shorter one is used solely for taxiing now), leaving no alternative approaches on windy days.

So, remember: really boring landings really do deserve applause. And these landings. They also deserve applause, and a lot of it.

If your twerk game is so hard you have to keep the car door open to do it, DON'T.

The video was originally posted to Vine by a woman named CatFish with the comment the comment "Good thing i caught it on camera," followed by five of the laughing-so-hard-I'm-crying emojis. So, you don't have to feel bad about laughing at this so hard you cried.

Later, CatFish came back to report that her friend is fine. "She is Gucci. She is just a little ashy, that's all. (Click lower right icon for sound.)

I don't care if your name is Gucci, if you are going to twerk your ass out the window of a moving vehicle, you have to hold on tighter than that.

The Daily Dot thinks it was the action of the window being rolled up to cause Gucci to lose her balance, but maybe Lil Bit by K Camp had her so turned up it also rolled the window up?

I think she just fell. But, as you can clearly see in the screen shot from the beginning of the video, her twerk grip was on point.

Turn down for this.

If the window caused her to fall, it is just from confusion. Remember kids, don't twerk and drive.

Actress and mom of 15 Mia Farrow flubbed a Twitter birthday message in a super weird way.

At least she didn't search "mia farrow and that one who's turning 21 today." (via Daily Mail)

Mia Farrow has 15 kids—11 of whom are adopted, along with 4 biological children with Woody Allen and Andre Previn—so it makes sense that sometimes she has a hard time finding a photo of a particular kid. Yesterday was Quincy Farrow's 21st birthday, and Mia wanted to tweet a birthday message for her.

So naturally she googled "mia farrow and her black children" to get the photo she needed.

She then took a screenshot of the search results (it's a mom thing) and shared the photo with the message "Happy 21st Birthday to my daughter, Quincy Farrow."

She was appropriately ridiculed by Twitter users and took that post down, replacing it with this tweet:

Happy 21st birthday to Birthday to my awesome daughter, Quincy Farrow pic.twitter.com/lgtAAO2AJF
— mia farrow (@MiaFarrow) January 19, 2015

Good god, woman. Get a copy editor.

Now Quincy is "awesome," presumably because she was cool about the whole Google search terms fiasco.

Farrow tweeted at the New York Observer to explain that it actually is her own photo: "I took the photo myself & posted it before. Then someone sent it to me & I didn't check source." Did you not check the source or did you not check the image? That explanation still doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but okay, whatever.

The main thing is, it's Quincy's 21st birthday to Birthday, so let's all just relax and celebrate what an awesome black daughter she is.

If your password is on this list, quietly change it and never tell anyone. Except the police, because you've probably already been robbed.

How you look to IT employees and potential hackers.

Every January, SplashData releases a list of the 25 most commonly stolen passwords on the Internet from the previous year, which is probably the same as saying "the most commonly used" passwords, but since their list is compiled from data released by hackers posting stolen information, we can only say for sure that these are the worst, stupidest, and least safe passwords online. Here is the full list, complete with how the rankings have changed over the past year.

1. 123456 (Unchanged)

2. password (Unchanged)

3. 12345 (Up 17)

4. 12345678 (Down 1)

5. qwerty (Down 1)

After two years of non-stop security breaches and revelations about how insecure our data is and how frequently we're all being monitored by governments, companies, and weirdos alike, you would hope that 2014's list would show signs of improved creativity. You would be wrong. There were some new entries that were not on 2013's list, but these are also, alas, very stupid passwords.

6. 123456789 (Unchanged)

7. 1234 (Up 9)

8. baseball (New)

9. dragon (New)

10. football (New)

As you can see, humanity tried to vary it up a little bit by using some new nouns instead of just variations on the numbers 1 through 9. So far, "dragon" is the only truly interesting new entry, although it would be a lot more secure if it was "Drag0n" or "Tr0gd0r The Burn1nat0r."

11. 1234567 (Down 4)

12. monkey (Up 5)

13. letmein (Up 1)

14. abc123 (Down 9)

15. 111111 (Down 8)

I guess we shouldn't be surprised that you don't need to be Alan Turing to crack most of humanity's codes. If Looney Tunes taught me anything, it's that pretty much every magic door is set to "Open Sesame" by default.

16. mustang (New)

17. access (New)

18. shadow (Unchanged)

19. master (New)

20. michael (New)

Apparently, every network administrator's first pet was a wild mustang and their mother's maiden name was Shadow.

21. superman (New)

22. 696969 (New)

23. 123123 (Down 12)

24. batman (New)

25. trustno1 (Down 1)

Ok, I'm actually a little bit hopeful for humanity's future after reading these final five entries. If "batman," "superman," and "696969" are indications of anything, it's that our password process is maturing...to the level of a 13 year old boy.

For the record, security experts recommend using an entire phrase that you can remember, preferably mixed with numbers, spaces, and capitalization. For example, "What3v3r Y0u D0 D0nt Writ3 Passw0rd."

1. Richest 1 Percent Will Soon Have More Money Than The Most Worthless 99 Percent

According to a new Oxfam report, the wealthiest 1 percent of the global population will be in possession of the majority of all the money in the world within about a year. This means that in about a decade or so it will finally be safe for them to begin harvesting our bones for polo equipment.

"at this time we'd like to ask all members of the 1 percent to board. As you do, please punch a member of the 99 percent in the throat."

— Baratunde (@baratunde) June 10, 2012

2. Justin Bieber To Be Made Fun Of By A Bunch Of Comedians He's Never Heard Of

Comedy Central has announced that pop star Justin Bieber will be the next celebrity who will be forced to fake-smile onstage while a bunch of comedians whom he's never met read their mean-spirited Twitter jokes about him for the cable channel's popular Comedy Central Roast series. Bieber, we can assume, believes that this will make people like him again.

The only way I'm watching the Justin Bieber Roast is if it's on the Food Network and they show the butchering and preparation first.

— Warren Holstein (@WarrenHolstein) January 20, 2015

3. Actor-Musician Johnny Depp Finds Idea Of Actor-Musicians 'Sickening'

Actor Johnny Depp—who has played guitar for musicians such as Marilyn Manson and the all-star New Basement Tapes band—spoke out harshly against actors who use their celebrity status to land music gigs. "That whole idea for me is a sickening thing, it's always just made me sick," the former member of the band P told reporters.

I think we, as a society, should be talking more about the fact that Johnny Depp and Marilyn Manson are best friends with MATCHING TATTOOS.

— Jen Statsky (@jenstatsky) January 14, 2015

4. The Sun Ends Its Sexist Tradition Of Publishing Images Of Topless Women, Gives Us Decent Excuse To Post One Ourselves

After more than four decades, the daily tabloid paper The Sun will be ending its tradition of featuring a topless female model on its third page. While dedicated readers will now have to make due with lingerie-clad women on Page 3, all other pages will continue to offer the kind of top-notch journalism we have all come to expect from a Rupert Murdoch-owned paper.

Well. I guess I'm never going to be a page 3 girl. I left it too long. Maybe this is the wakeup call I needed.

— Alan Flanagan (@alanflanagan) January 20, 2015

5. Air Force's Non-Secrets About UFOs Are All Online

UFO enthusiast John Greenewald has spent two decades meticulously obtaining all of the U.S. Air Force's records on unidentified flying objects via the Freedom of Information Act and has now made all 130,000 pages of data available on one website that should keep your shut-in uncle occupied for at least a few weeks.

There's lots of cross-pollination between angel literature & UFO literature, which might be about all one needs to know about either subject

— Mojave Phone Booth (@MojaveFoneBooth) July 15, 2014

7:25pm I am so healthy. I have a great work/life balance. Look at me making a 7:30pm spin class. I'm pretty amazing. I'm going to make Ina Garten's roast chicken when I get home.

7:35pmThis spin instructor is so inspirational.

7:36pm I should actually stop seeing my therapist and just take spin classes.

7:42pm How come my legs aren't going as fast as this old man next to me?

7:43pmYOU'RE RIGHT, GARRETH. THE ONLY RACE I'M IN IS WITH MYSELF.

7:44pmMy therapist never makes me feel this good…wait, hold up…is this song what I think it is?

7:44:30pm SHOOP is my jam.

7:45pm GARRETH, YOU ARE MY SPIRIT ANIMAL.

7:47pm"What's my weakness? Men!"

7:48pm This song is so long.

7:49pmThough why would I be racing myself?

7:50pm Did I send that email out?

7:51pm I don't know. By the time I get home, am I really even going to want to eat Ina Garten's roast chicken?

7:52pmI AM BEING HONEST WITH MYSELF, GARETH. I DON'T THINK I'M GOING TO HAVE THE TIME TO ROAST A HALF CHICKEN TONIGHT, AND I CAN'T MAKE IT UP THIS MOUNTAIN. LEAVE ME. JUST LEAVE ME BEHIND. I'M NOT WORTH IT.

7:53pm There would never be a time in my life where I would find myself biking up an actual mountain.

7:55pmWHERE THE EFF IS THE TOP OF THIS MOUNTAIN?

7:56pmI think I'm going to get chocolate and strawberry fro-yo after this.

7:57pmI'm visualizing what I want. I can see it. It's so close. Yes, I can reach out and grab it. Granola, Reese's pieces, and brownie bites for toppings.

8:00pm Yes, arms!

8:01pm Nope, not doing arms.

8:02pmLike all men, you've let me down, Garreth. Nobody wants to spin to "Fire & Rain".

8:03pmWe're going down hill, biatches.

8:05pmWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

8:06pm Ugh. Enough.

8:07pmHow come I never see Madonna here? Melissa said she saw her once.

8:08pm Melissa is acting so basic lately.

8:09pm I'm really proud of myself.

8:15pm Shit. I forgot to record The Bachelor. Why am I so worthless?

2015's first and only African-American late-night host looks back at a year that could have really used one.

After a year of anticipation, Larry Wilmore (formerly the The Daily Show's Senior Black Correspondent) has finally taken over Stephen Colbert's desk and time slot with The Nightly Show. As the only African-American host currently on late night TV, expectations have been high for Wilmore to bring a new outlook on the news, especially regarding race relations. Wilmore wasted no time, immediately noting that maybe his show should have started a year ago, given what a huge year 2014 turned out to be for protests of police behavior in minority communities. If 2015 doesn't end up being vastly cheerier, there are going to be a lot of people listening to however Wilmore reacts. But hey, at least he'll be able to give Sharpton a much-needed break.

While the opening segment is immediately recognizable to anyone who has seen The Daily Show or The Colbert Report, the rest of the show was given over to a panel on "The State of the Black Protest" with Sen. Cory Booker, musician Talib Kweli, writer and model Shenaz Treasury, and comedian Bill Burr.

You can watch the the full episode online, although it won't have the first handoff between Jon Stewart and Larry Wilmore at the end of The Daily Show:

A guy accidentally discovered his wife is cheating on him, then posted live updates to reddit his continuing discovery of the affair after hiring a private investigator.

Till reddit do us part.

This weekend, a three-part mega drama of a tangled affair unfolded on reddit, describing in great detail the moment-to-moment revelations of a man discovering he is being cheated on.

Part 1: My dick is bigger.

Here, our original poster, MyLifeSuxNow, created a throwaway account to share his burden with the world, hoping to get some clarity. In the original post in the Today I F**ked Up subreddit, he starts from the beginning:

"Jenny was sleeping this morning and my brother shot her a text. My brother's wife (Carly) and Jenny are planning on going out of town for a get-away while my brother, I, and some friends are going to watch football on Sunday and hang out during the weekend. He was asking Jenny to text Carly on his phone because Carly dropped her phone in the toilet. My brother and Carly were basically sharing phones for the time being till she gets a new phone.

I decided to open up the phone and reply something stupid and funny in order to embarrass Jenny. So I opened up the iMessage app and went to read their previous conversation to see what was happening, so I could tell a relevant joke. 2nd to the top of the list of conversations was a chat with a guy/girl named Zack. I didn't know who Zack was, but the most recent thing he sent her was "<3 gn". I was curious, so I put off replying to my brother and opened up Jenny and Zack's chat.

"To my horror, there was sexually explicit talk of what he wanted to do to Jenny when she 'crawled up next to his sack.' What a filthy beast."

I scroll up, and there are multiple nudes from both of them waiting for me to discover. Most of them are dated sometime between 1-4am (usually I'm sleeping then, smart.) so I knew she was obviously trying to hide it from me.

I realized my wife is cheating on me. I took a moment to realize that this was the end of our marriage. All of our happy times, our foreign trips, and our romantic nights must have meant nothing to her. I put the phone down and went to the bathroom to freshen up while Jenny was still sleeping.

I carry on with my day, make breakfast and wake her up. While she was sleeping, her phone went off 7 times (yes, I counted) and they were good morning texts from Zack and a confirmation to see if she was still visiting him this weekend."

At this point, his wife goes to the bathroom and changes her password because MyLifeSuxNow believes she caught him acting "weird/distant."

To combat this, he claims he stole her phone before she went out for the night so she would think she lost it, and in that time unlocked her phone to find even more evidence of them discussing sex positions, plans, and nefarious dick pics. He claims the whole time he's seen no signs of trouble. No slowdown in sex or cuddling. He is very confused.

"I have a bigger penis than the other guy if that's what she desires. I don't mean to compare it's just primal instinct fighting over a mate."

So confused, in fact, he reached out to the virgin army at reddit for guidance. Should he confront her? Should he confront his sister-in-law who is clearly in on it? Should he wait until he has rock hard evidence? He already has a prenup in place to protect his much larger salary.

At this point, he starts giving play-by-play updates of his struggle. Here are the more pertinent ones:

"(5:15pm) 1/16/2015: Private Investigator hired to tail her Saturday, Sunday and Monday

(8:13pm) 1/16/2015: Hired a divorce lawyer (pricey) but he's known to do excellent work. I'm in good hands. It's tempting to have sex, my soon to be ex-wife is trying extra hard to seduce me tonight for some reason. She's either super horny or is trying to get me to have sex with her as a form of infidelity forgiveness.

(9:55pm) 1/16/2015: She went to bed, I'm sitting here watching TV on my laptop. She's trying to initiate sex, I of course have to decline. I went to have sex with her but I'll control myself. Despite what she did being unforgivable, she's still beautiful on the outside.

(9:14am) 1/17/2015: I woke up a little late today if I wanted to break into her phone since it'd take a while, so I won't do it today. She's still asleep. The PI will be following her vehicle starting at 10am today. Jenny and Carly are heading on their "weekend trip" today at 12pm. She'll have some breakfast, Carly will swing by here, and they'll take Jenny's car and head off. The PI will be tailing them all day, I'm excited to see what he finds. He offered to take me around with him, but I politely declined. I've got some shit to do today anyways. Really a great start to the day, 10 hours of sleep, I don't get that often!

(10:08am) 1/17/2015: PI is posted down the street waiting for her vehicle to pull out with Carly. She woke up about 10 minutes ago and I'm about to cook her breakfast. Carly is showing up a little earlier today at around 10:30am so I'm cooking her breakfast too. Can't believe I'm wasting my shit on these people but you do what you gotta do to keep everything under wraps. I have another meeting with the divorce lawyer today at 1pm.

(11:50am) 1/17/2015: They left a bit later than they should have (11am). They got caught up chit chatting and occasionally talking to me. Private Investigator is tailing them now. He's got a camera that zooms in and takes high quality pics from ridiculously far away, an assortment of high quality dash cams, and handheld recorders.
(12:03pm) 1/17/2015: She is not heading to the place she told me she was going. Jenny is driving. This doesn't look good."

They go to Starbucks, Carly is dropped off and suspiciously talks to a random guy (is she cheating on her husband too?) while Jenny drives aimlessly around making random turns. Eventually, she circles back to Starbucks, picks Carly up, and the two of them go into a hotel. MyLifeSuxNow uses this opportunity to take a dump.

"(1:30pm) 1/17/2015: The PI is heading into the hotel to see what's up. I have to take a #2, so sorry, I'll update when I get back (10-15 mins)."

The world sat with baited breath while this guy took a shit.

He returned from his constitutional to relay that the sisters left the hotel by suspiciously running, and started driving again in a sporadic manner before returning to the same hotel.

"(2:12pm) 1/17/2015: Holy shit these U-turns. It's like they're trying to shake someone off their tail. They're on their way back to the hotel it seems. There is no way in hell they know about the PI, he's extremely far away. This isn't like the movies where the PI is a few cars down, the PI is at least a hundred feet away. Puzzling."

Jenny leaves Carly with the hotel key, and that's when things really start to get interesting

"(2:22pm) 1/17/2015: Jenny met up at the front of a flathouse in a residential area and kissed a guy before she entered. It's Zack. Cheating confirmed. Carly seems to be clueless about the situation. PI snapped a shot of it, this is about enough evidence. PI might call it off for the day now.

(2:41) 1/17/2015: My head is spinning. This is too much information for 30 minutes. I can't deal. Carly texted my brother Jenny is cheating. My brother texted me. I cannot have them tell Jenny I know because it'll ruin my opportunity to collect even more evidence to truly cement my case. I'm not sure if a quick kiss and entering a house will suffice the infidelity clause. She might be able to play it off as a friendly greeting. The PI is scheduled till Monday, so I've got more time to collect evidence if my bro and Carly keep their mouths shut.

(3:38pm) 1/17/2015: Zack and Jenny left Zack's house. PI is tailing them."

"(3:38pm) 1/17/2015: sigh More suspense for us."

The couple goes back to the same Starbucks shopping center, but instead of going inside, they stay in their car to talk. Then, bizarrely, the strange man that talked to Carly while she was getting coffee got into the car with Jenny and Zack.

(3:51pm) 1/17/2015: Remember the guy that met up with Carly in Starbucks? He just got into the car that Zack and Jenny are in. They're all sitting together discussing something. Things are heating up again. I'll post proof later on I'm trying to follow the situation now. It's escalating quickly just like earlier.

(4:11pm) 1/17/2015: My PI followed them into the lobby, Jenny picked up a room key and all 3 of them headed for the elevator. We're essentially blind right now, we don't know what's going on in the hotel room(s). PI want's to know if he should stakeout the hotel or if we should call it a day? It seems like they'll spend the rest of the day in the hotel and they'll also sleep together there.
I think Carly was trying to portray Jenny as the only person who was cheating, that's why she texted my bro right away. I think now if Jenny rats out Carly, Carly will deny it and say Jenny is just saying that because she was caught cheating. Once again, my head is spinning.

(4:16pm) 1/17/2015: Okay, so essentially all four of them are inside the hotel doing something, most likely having sex. The thought of my wife having sex with another man makes me want to puke, but I'm coping. There is no way for my PI to get upstairs in the hotel or to find out what's going on in there. He'll stake out the hotel for a few more hours before heading home.

(4:28pm) 1/17/2015: Jenny just texted me that Carly is cheating.................. I actually don't know where to go from here.

Omg, so many balls being thrown around a small child could drown in a pit of them. From there he finally gave in and let his brother know what is going on, and they proceeded to monitor their cheating wives together the following day.

(11:11) 1/18/2015: Welp, I've learned my brother is not very good in a crisis. When he arrived, we ate and I told him about the whole cheating situation and how I have video. I showed him a screenshot of Jenny kissing Zack and Carly talking to the stranger at Starbucks. I showed him them hung over at the hotel, the texts, etc. He started to freak out. I was afraid he was gonna burn my house down. It took me a good 10 minutes to get him under control. But, he was suprisingly amazingly calm afterwards. It was like he had a short breakdown then went back to his normal state.

Mr. X went home without any evidence that Carly has cheated.

(1:40pm) 1/18/2015: He seems to have cheered up a bit since we don't have proof that Carly cheated at all, I mean, maybe Jenny had a threesome and Carly was just a witness? I'm not saying that's what happened, but it's always a possibility. We'll just have to listen to what they tell us when they get home.

"(1:49pm) 1/18/2015: Jenny texted me saying "Hey babe, you wanna watch a movie tonight? Your pick. " Dunno what I should say. Carly texted my brother saying 'sorry for being MIA. I missed you ;)'"

Noted: "Your pick" is code for "I'm cheating on you."

By this time, a lot of people on reddit are calling him a liar in the comments section, but I can't imagine anyone writing a fake tale of cheating that involved this much hanging out in a Starbucks parking lot.

Part 2: Confusion and sadness

In part 2 of the drama, MyLifeSuxNow prepared with his brother for his wife to come home by wiping their computers of evidence, rigging up the house with recording devices, and confirming that their mutual bank accounts are frozen. That's when the details get spotty.

(3:46pm) 1/18/2015: They're pulling up to the house, they're almost on the street. ~2 minutes away. Any replies to comments will be made through my phone, can't update posts through mobile. I'll update you guys after everything goes down, it'll be a while. Bracing myself.

Damnnit they were supposed to come home at night when I was gone. They're here. brb.

(5:49) 1/18/2015: Shit is going down. Nothing physical though. I can't type for more than a minute or two, but it isn't great. Yelling, anger, sadness, crying, a ton of crying, pleading, explaining, contradicting. This isn't a great place to be right now. I'll update when I'm at my buddy's house, it'll be a while. Sorry I couldn't update sooner. Nobody is hurt at all. You guys are having a great time reading I bet, this is the worst time of my life :(

Part 3: The lying lies liars tell.

After all the chaos calms down, MyLifeSuxNow opens up a 3rd part on reddit to share the resolution with the world.

"Jenny just walked up to me and hugged me for a good minute or two. I won't lie, it felt good forgetting about everything and just wrapping each other in our arms. She didn't smell different, so it was easy to forget about the whole affair situation.

She pulled out of the hug, and kissed me like she did Zack for a few seconds. I pulled away and said "what's up?" She looked away, I could tell she was beginning to cry, and started sobbing. She got all teary eyed, I almost felt bad for her, and she said "I'm so sorry honey". I played dumb and said "what happened?"

She asked me "Carly didn't tell you?". I said "no". She told me that she had to makeout with some guy (Zack) and that if she didn't he would let out a dirty secret of hers. I asked her what was the secret and she wouldn't tell me. I told her "is that all you did? A few kisses isn't that bad if he was blackmailing you. It's ok."

I asked her "what about the weekend get away?" You didn't go on a trip or anything?" She said no, she had only gone to a hotel where the guy wanted to meet up for some kisses."

Jenny later tells him she did have sex with her blackmailer, you know, to keep him happy. Separately, Carly tells another fake version of the story. The brothers sat their cheating wives down and forced them to come out with it. Eventually, Jenny set the truth free.

"Jenny and Carly had made up the whole trip. They wanted to have sex with other people for once. She hooking up. They went over to the Starbucks so Carly could meet the guy she had been seeing for a while prior. Jenny grew paranoid that she was being followed by me and started driving around in circles. She then went back to the shopping center to pick up Carly. X had something to take care of and said he would meet Carly later at the hotel. X is a friend of Carly's and Jenny's. Carly and Jenny then drove to the hotel they were staying at to eat some food.

Later, they went back to the car so they could drive over to Zack's flathouse. Jenny ran over to the car because again, she was paranoid I was following her. They drove over to Zack's house after many turns because she as paranoid I was following her. Jenny showed Carly where she would be if anything happened. Jenny then drove Carly back to the hotel. Carly waited up there for Jenny, Zack, and X to come over. Jenny went back over to Zack's house and they made out in there. They also had sex.

After a while, Jenny and Zack went to the shopping center to pick up X again. With X, they went back to the hotel where they were going to have sex. As I guessed, Carly got cold feet and didn't want to do it. Jenny and Zack however did have sex, multiple times. Carly ratted out Jenny right away so she wouldn't be involved with anything. They all had a bunch of drinks and got drunk. After Jenny and Zack had sex once more, they went to bed. Carly and X hung out all night, nothing romantic except for hand holding.
They woke up, ate food, dropped everyone off at their houses (kissed Zack), and drove to the Coffee shop. There they talked extensively about what the would tell us to cover up what happened. They got too confused and just decided to wing it. They went back to the hotel, got their things, and checked out."

After that, Jenny begged for her husband's forgiveness, cooked him a huge meal, put on a sexy outfit, and broke her phone in an attempt to win him back, but as MyLifeSucksNow summed it up,

"TL;DR: She cheated, Carly got cold feet and didn't cheat, I'm getting a divorce, my brother may not be."

It could be a along winter for fans of British television, because Netflix appears to be over it.

If you were thinking about going rogue and cutting your cable this month, you may want to hold off on making that obscene phone call to Time Warner, at least until you see the list of the content coming and going from Netflix beginning in February. I realize these lists are alphabetical, but still, seeing something called Bleach the Movie: Hell Verse kicking off any list that isn't a list of Hell Verse movies is not a good sign.

Season three of House of Cards better kick some serious ass, because scanning the rest of the lineup and seeing that Proof and Robocop are the movie titles that jump out is enough to make you take another look at Hulu Plus.

February Movies and specials:
Bleach the Movie: Hell Verse
Dark Ride
Gimme Shelter
Gucci: The Director
Hot Pursuit
Houseboat
Into the Blue 2: The Reef
Joe
King Arthur
Naruto Shippuden: The Movie
Now: In the Wings on a World Stage
Proof
The Brothers Bloom
We Could Be King
We're No Angels
Zapped
The Little Rascals Save The Day (Feb. 5)
Ever After High: Spring Unsung (Feb. 6)
Danger 5 (Feb. 6)
Dead Snow: Read vs. Dead (Feb. 7)
Elsa & Fred (Feb. 7)
Blood Ties (Feb. 8)
Catch Hell (Feb. 8)
Dwight Howard: In the Moment (Feb. 10)
Mr. Peabody & Sherman (Feb. 11)
Young Ones (Feb. 12)
The Two Faces Of January (Feb. 12)
Scary Movie 5 (Feb. 12)
Save the Date (Feb. 16)
The Overnighters (Feb. 17)
Earth to Echo (Feb. 18)
In Secret (Feb. 18)
The Fluffy Movie (Feb. 18)
White Bird in a Blizzard (Feb. 19)
RoboCop (Feb. 21)
1,000 Times Good Night (Feb. 24)
Open Windows (Feb. 26)
Russell Brand: Messiah Complex (Feb. 26)
Ralphie May: Unruly (Feb. 27)
Boys (Feb. 27)

TV Shows
Departures, Seasons 1-2
Magic City, Seasons 1-2
MASH, Seasons 1-5
Spartacus, Complete Series
Mako Mermaids, Season 2 (Feb. 13)
Richie Rich, Season 1 (Feb. 20)
Hawaii Five-0, Seasons 1-4 (Feb. 24)
House of Cards, Season 3 (Feb. 27)

Along with a BBC TV bloodbath, Netflix is also cutting ties with several Bond movies, and the very worst of the Batman franchise.

Movies and specials expiring in February
A View to a Kill
Airheads
Apocalypse Now
Apocalypse Now Redux
Babes in Toyland
Batman & Robin
Batman Forever
Batman Returns
Cocoon: The Return
Dirty Rotten Scoundrels
Down Periscope
For Your Eyes Only
From Russia with Love
Goldfinger
Jane Eyre
Live and Let Die
Mad Max
MASH
Nacho Libre
Never Say Never Again
Revenge
School Daze
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Movie
The Juror
Wishmaster
Zodiac
Arbitrage (Feb. 5)
Dredd (Feb. 23)
Ali (Feb. 28)
Monkey Trouble (Feb. 28)
Panic Room (Feb. 28)

TV Shows
Blackadder, Seasons 1-4
Fawlty Towers, Seasons 1-2
Hotel Babylon, Seasons 1-4
MI-5, Seasons 1-10
Red Dwarf, Seasons 1-9
Jem and the Holograms, Seasons 1-3 (Feb. 2)
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Seasons 1-4 (Feb. 2)
Pound Puppies, Seasons 1-3 (Feb. 2)
Transformers Prime, Seasons 1-3 (Feb. 2)
Transformers: Rescue Bots (Feb. 2)

If you give a mouse a cookie, it will make the rat really upset that he got broccoli instead.

Scientists are constantly testing the intelligence of rats, but non-lab rat Dexter may force scientists to add a few points to the rodents' IQs. Although we've run a lot of tests on what rats are dumb enough to eat, up until now, we've never tested what they're smart enough to avoid. (OK, fine, we've probably tested that. Just let me wax poetic about this rat, alright?)

Namely, broccoli, a.k.a. "the worst."

Presented to Dexter without even a ranch dressing dip to transform it into a sub-par crudite, the broccoli is not edible even to this trash-loving scavenger. In conclusion, you're right, kids: your parents are probably trying to poison you with those disgusting veggies. Not even rats will touch them!