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Oversharer Kanye says Kim made him take "30 showers" after dating Amber Rose.

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It's...not nice.


But he does it with a smile that lights up the room!(screengrab via The Breakfast Club)

If you read the beginner's guide to caring about a fight between Amber Rose and Khloé Kardashian, then you were probably hoping to never hear anything about this again. TOO BAD. Kanye West was involved and if Kanye is involved he's gonna keep wringing this pathetic drama rag until it's a pile of sadness fibers.

Just to recap: Amber Rose insinuated that Kanye's wife, Kim Kardashian, is a whore. Okay? Okay, I guess, unless we want to just sink the world into the ocean so no one ever calls anyone a whore ever again. Because that's what Kanye did to Amber Rose today on Power 105's The Breakfast Club:

“She's just soaking in the moment. If Kim had dated me when I wanted, there would be no Amber Rose. It's very hard for a woman to wanna be with someone that's with Amber Rose. I had to take 30 showers before I got with Kim.”

FANtastic.

Bonus tidbit: He'd never even heard Beck's album until after he pulled that Grammys stunt:

“The other day, I went to dinner and sat down with Taylor Swift. And, like, ironically, they were playing the Beck album...Maybe they did it on purpose so I could finally hear it. I was like, 'Man, this is actually kind of good. I ain't even gone lie.'”

WHAT?! Okay, forget it, Shirley Manson was right.


This 3-year-old Taekwondo student will beat you up with her cuteness.

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Preschool won't know what hit it.

This 3-year-old white belt from Leeds, UK is already a pro at reciting her student creed. With that kind of discipline, she'll probably be able to bend steel and fight off 100 thugs by the time she's 7. Or at least disarm them with her charm. You learn these skills so you need never use them anyway.

Wait for it.

The final 'Two and a Half Men' scene is the only one you ever need to watch.

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#Ending

I have never watched Two and a Half Men. The only thing I really know about Two and a Half Men is that Charlie Sheen quit and went crazy (and that the kid went crazy religious and quit). Apparently, instead of serving up nostalgia to longtime fans of the series, show creator Chuck Lorre decided to pander to people like me who only remember that one thing. The entire finale was about Sheen's character, long thought dead, who turned out [spoiler] to have been a prisoner in a well in his stalker-wife's basement, where they allude to him being tortured and sexually assaulted. LOLtastic. There were also a lot of jokes about no one knowing why Ashton Kutcher was even there and how the show should have ended a long time ago. Really made the fans feel good, I'm sure. Chuck Lorre must still have a big rash on his ass from the whole Sheen experience, because the final scene of the entire show was the above Looney Tunes sequence where instead of wrapping up any loose ends (usually after 12 years of a sitcom, there are a few), they just demolish a Sheen body double.

Ain't this show a stinker?

A woman asked a bunch of guys on Tinder if they "believe in soul mates."

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Since my singledom is raging on like a warehouse rave in the late 90's, I'll continue flailing my glowsticks around the online dating game.

I'm using Tinder because it's already on my phone and I can operate the app using one hand while I try on hideous bridesmaids gowns. My best friend recently got engaged, causing me to ponder the idea of soul mates and my own loneliness. Since I don't have a therapist, I decided to use Tinder as a forum for tackling the big issues. After a furious session of right-swiping, I asked these thirsty pieces of geographically determined man-meat if they believed in soul mates.

Not. A. Chance.

Apparently my profile is lacking.


True Detective or Bust


Let's talk about sex baby.


This made me laugh so hard. I may have been on Tinder too long at this point.


I was not expecting this curveball.

Something tells me you're just saying what I want to hear...

The realest.

Hook ups, of course.

Like a boss.

Fart app allows you to share a new kind of hot air on social media.

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Living the dream.

If your dream includes broadcasting your farts across your social media platforms then Fartners is for you. Since most of us either learn discretion or powerful sphincter control some time during our adolescence, this may seem counter-intuitive. But, according to the press for the app's Indiegogo campaign, there is a universality in wanting to Shazam our gas. Says CEO Rotem Yakir:

"We believe that laughing together creates a connection between people, and what's more universally funny than farts?! Whether you're an American, Russian, Jewish or Muslim, we all fart and it's always funny."


Beautiful. Or, a million times worse than Candy Crush notifications.

The Colbeard is here, and it's majestic.

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Is his new show going to be on CBS, or Silver Fox?


Ho ho ho, nation.(Getty)

Stephen Colbert has been out of the spotlight since his Comedy Central show wrapped up in December, and now we know why. He's been in seclusion while he cultivates a stately silver beard, waiting to blindside us all with the pure regality of it.

That moment came last night, at the 10th annual Oscar Wilde Awards in Santa Monica, CA. In a leather jacket and fleece pullover, Colbert looked like L.L. Bean himself. The 50-year-old comedian explained his new facial hair, telling The Daily Beast:

“I have like nine months where nobody has to see me so I said, 'I wonder what I look like?'"

I could tell him right now what he looks like: L.L Bean. Still, that explanation seems a little thin. It's not clear if he intends to keep the Colbeard when he begins hosting The Late Show in September. Maybe with Jon Stewart stepping down, he feels it's his responsibility to be the new elder statesman of late night. Of course, that responsibility could also fall to Conan O'Brien, but that's not really his style. Not many elder statesmen do a string dance.

Oh, wait.


I guess that's not his plan. Then again, Colbert has never made a secret of his love for The Lord of the Rings. Maybe he wants to be the new Gandalf.


He's got a long way to go.(Getty/Knit York City)

(gifs by Giphy)


'Big Birdman' should take home the Oscar (the Grouch) for Best 'Birdman' Parody.

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To be fair, he has a long history of imaginary friends like Mr. Snuffleupagus.

Carroll Spinney is the long-time puppeteer and voice of Big Bird on the world-famous children's educational series Sesame Street. In this video for Mashable's Watercooler, however, he's a down-and-out actor whose past role comes back to haunt him and motivate him to return to stardom, just like that other Bird movie this year. Unfortunately, Spinney can't actually win an Oscar for this short video, but that's OK because he already has one—he's also the man behind Oscar the Grouch.

This ungodly winter has turned a geyser into a 5-story ice volcano.

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It's like a science fair experiment in real life.

At least one cool thing has come out of this miserable cold snap: ice volcanoes. The abnormally low temperatures in the eastern US are severe enough to freeze the hot water spewing from this geyser in New York's Letchworth State Park. Where the water hits the bitter air, a giant tower of ice has formed, water still bubbling out of the top.

Here's a tip for parents: take your kids and tell them Elsa did it. You'll get big points.

This compilation of great lines from Best Picture winners will bring out your inner movie geek.

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Louie, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful montage.

Don't have Oscar fever yet? That's good, it's debilitating.

But if you insist on infecting yourself, in some weird movie-based version of a measles party, check out this video from World Wide Interweb, compiling the best one-liners from Best Picture winners. You'll be coughing up popcorn for weeks.

Watch a very young Steve Carell in an early-90s improv show he probably dragged his friends to.

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"Hey, are you still coming to my improv show tonight? Come on!" (via Getty)

Take a look at this video of an early-'90s-era Second City graduation performance, and try to wrap your head around the idea that one of these two guys performing okay-enough improvisational comedy is not only one of the most beloved comedians of our age, but is nominated for an Academy Award for his performance as a psychotic heir to a massive chemical fortune.

Keep it in mind the next time you get roped into sitting through some friend's interminable comedy show. You might be witnessing the beginning of greatness. Unfortunately, the beginning of greatness is often very messy.

[Author's note: I'm allowed to make fun of mediocre improv performances because I delivered more of them than pretty much anyone you ever met. Be thankful that you were not my friend in the mid-aughts, because it would have been rough.]

Don't pretend you won't watch these red pandas playing in the snow.

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You're one click away from panda satisfaction.

Did you know red pandas aren't related to giant pandas? Did you care? No, of course not. You just want to watch them frolic, and frolic hard.

Have at it, you fiends.

How to eat a well-balanced dinner entirely at 7-Eleven.

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You're a girl on the go.


Look at you, zooming around.

But that doesn't mean you have to abandon your diet when life gets in the way, and you find yourself scrounging for dinner at 7-Eleven again.

Yep, 7-Eleven! Cover all of the key food groups in your meal with a 7-Eleven feast:

PROTEIN

Have a hotdog for dinner because you can (if there are still any leftover from the morning)! Without the bun, the Breakfast Bite is totally paleo.

WHOLE GRAINS

Mini tacos! Those fried corn tortillas are made of corn, which counts as a grain. Ask your mom.

VEGETABLE

If you added Kettle Chips to your 7-Eleven meal, congratulate yourself on having a vegetable (potatoes). You must really care about your body!

FRUIT

Slurpee time! Mix flavors for additional servings of fruit. (Note: Green counts as a veggie.)

CALCIUM

If you're looking to up your calcium intake, reach for the Cheesy Krazi Curls. It's krazi how good for you they are.

DESSERT

Try the chocolate covered cashews. Yum! Bonus: they're gluten-free! Not sure why they wouldn't be, but thanks, 7-Eleven!

5 people who at least tried this week.

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In a world that is truly awful, it's important to take a moment and recognize those who at least attempted to make it just a little less awful:

1. Kanye West for asking Taylor Swift on a dinner date to finally try and make up for the fact that he's Kanye West.


(Getty)

Kanye West and Taylor Swift met at a gastropub in NYC this week. They broke bread, and squashed the beef. It's too bad that Taylor Swift has already become so powerful that she's forgotten whatever incident Kanye West was there to apologize for. Poor little Kanye still believes that he has any control over Taylor Swift's ability to snap her fingers and destroy any of us at any moment. Points for thinking he could make a difference, though.


2. Walmart CEO C. Douglas McMillon for raising the base salary for new employees to a whopping $9/hour.


(Getty)

The CEO of Walmart announced that new employees would have a starting salary of $9 an hour. Finally, a CEO has proven he's not out of touch with the common- oh wait, sorry. I just did the math and that means a full-time employee only makes $18,720 a year. It's cute that McMillon wants to help the people who actually struggle run his business every day, but he might as well just give every employee a free Zune for their trouble. At least he pretended to care. Good thing Amazon will soon be the only retail store in the world and we won't have to worry about this kind of thing!


3. Apple CEO Tim Cook for getting into the car-making business.


(Getty)

Apple has been secretly developing an Apple Car that will hopefully hit the market by 2020. What a shame that everyone who knows how to drive will be dead from texting on their iPhone and driving.


4. President Barack Obama for attempting to speak like an adult while talking about fighting ISIS.


(Getty)

President Obama claimed this week that America is at war with those who pervert Islam. Instead of saying something awful and inflammatory about a religion followed by a billion people on this Earth, the leader of the free world stupidly decided not to yell about Muslims like a warmongering barbarian. He (LOL!) instead addressed the world's problems with a little nuance. Hahaha! Doesn't he know we can't understand anything unless it sounds like a caveman yelled it? Nice try, though, Mr. President. Next time, set an ISIS flag on fire and give everyone the finger while Ted Nugent plays in the background of your speech. People still won't listen.


5. Chuck Lorre for trying to get back at the indestructible Charlie Sheen.


(Getty)

The finale of Two and a Half Men aired this week, and the show's creator Chuck Lorre decided to spend the episode ripping apart Charlie Sheen, even dropping a piano on his character's head. Alas, writing jokes about Charlie Sheen or even using a Looney Tunes-style gag will never stop Charlie Sheen. His skin is too thick, his veins too full of tiger blood. Nothing can stop him from being the way he is, or his inevitable election as President of the United States of America in 2020.




Here's how to clean snow off your car using only the rapper Lil Jon.

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Turn up for visibility.


The sound system in this car probably cost more than a snow brush, but it's definitely faster. When the beat drops, so does all that inconvenient snow.

If you want to try this, go ahead. But maybe not with a kid in the car. That seems extremely irresponsible.

Two dogs who got themselves trapped in an icy marsh owe their lives to some Massachusetts firemen.

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"It wasn't my fault."

Oh, dogs! They're always getting into some kind of trouble, huh? If they're not tipping over the kitchen trashcan to get at the delicious scraps of onions peels within, they're likely tearing apart the couch cushions and acting like it was like that all along. And if they're not doing either of those things, they're probably getting themselves trapped on ice floes in some of the coldest weather Massachusetts has experienced in years.

Case in point, these two dogs:

These dogs don't even realize how lucky they are that there are some good people out there who are actually willing to wade into sub-zero slushies to save them from their own dumbness. At least these firefighters had waterproof gear. The regular civilian guy in this video below decided to step into this lake in just his underwear to save a dog he didn't even know:


For what it's worth, this dog here actually seems to have dumbed himself into a decent home. This guy apparently ended up adopting him.

Emma Watson finally dates a world-famous dude named Harry. Maybe.

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Yer a rumor, Harry.


Left: UN Women Goodwill Ambassador. Right: The literal embodiment of privilege.
(via Getty Images)

The British royal family may no longer rule over a quarter of the world's landmass and people, but their dominion is undiminished in the world of tabloids. The remaining royal bachelor, Prince Harry, is nothing if not dutiful in his commitment to giving low-quality news outlets all over the world exciting gossip to chew on. His latest exploit, however, will be nothing short of a full-employment program for paparazzi worldwide if it turns out to be true: he might be dating Emma Watson.

Apparently, the often-drunk (and occasionally naked or swastika-adorned) Prince "heard" that Watson had broken up with her boyfriend Matthew Janney, a British rugby player, late last year. Not wanting to be a creep, he apparently invited her on a night out with 12 of his friends, all of whom probably kept talking about what a down-to-earth dude Harry Wales (that's his "civilian name" he used in school and in the Army—middle name "prince of") is every time his highness went to the loo. As one "insider" told Australia's Women's Day magazine,

“Harry didn't want her to feel like she was put on the spot. A party also shows he's fun and not stuffy. He's smitten – and it's more than Emma's looks."

There you have it, ladies and gentlemen. Harry, Prince of Wales, learned his dating techniques from Entourage, at least according to the Turtle who gave the quote to Women's Day.

BUT WHAT ABOUT EMMA?

Dammit, Watson, did you really come to the States, get an Ivy League degree and become the UN Women's Goodwill Ambassador just to go back home and hop on the arm of someone whose blessings at birth not only include being high up on the line of succession for a thousand-year-old monarchy, but by coincidence sharing a name with the movie franchise you're now trying to outgrow? I'm smdw right now—shaking my damn wand. If this is true, I'm severely disappointed.

Hermione would never put up with this shit. I know Ron's a redhead, too, but let's face it—a.) we all know Hermione regretted not going with the top dog, and b.) Ron was basically your personal assistant and he was cool with that. Harry is not the Harry of princes, Emma. Harry is the Ron. The Harry of Princes is named William and he's taken. You want to marry a prince? Start your own country and become queen. Then go get some prince to follow you around. That's some second-level leaning in right there.

On the other hand, Emma was once photographed within talking distance of Harry Styles, and the Internet freaked out even though it ended up being nothing. Maybe she should just avoid all Harrys forever.

16 hilarious tweets from the late, great Harris Wittels.

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(via Twitter)

The comedy community is mourning the untimely death of comedian Harris Wittels, an extremely well-respected writer, and a mainstay of the LA standup scene. You may not have known his name, but if you were a fan of Parks and Recreation, The Sarah Silverman Program, or Eastbound & Down, you knew his writing. By the age of 30, he had risen to be an executive producer on Parks, and had a flourishing career ahead of him until it was tragically cut short yesterday. In addition to his work as a TV writer and performer, Wittels was known for being hilarious on Twitter (where he coined the term 'humblebrag'), so to celebrate his life, here are a collection of some of his best tweets. Warning: some are NSFW.

Wittels, who talked openly about his struggle with substance abuse, died of an apparent overdose. If you or someone you know is suffering from an addiction, seek help. Here is a list of resources to get started. If there's one thing to learn from the outpouring of love and sadness from Wittels's friends and colleagues, it's that you're never alone.

The celebrity Twitter fight of the century just went nuclear.

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Grade "A" Beef


Khloé Kardashian, Amber Rose, and some guy who got married to the greatest celebrity sex tape of all time. OF ALL TIME!

Way back on Tuesday, we published The Beginner's Guide To Caring About A Fight Between Khloé Kardashian And Amber Rose, which explained the Twitter battle that erupted when Amber Rose (a hip-hop model and former dating partner of Kanye West) went on the radio and made fun of the relationship between Kylie Jenner, 17, and rapper Tyga, 25. Check out that article if you have no idea what's going on right now, but TL;DR: Khloé retaliated by pointing out that Amber was a stripper at age 15, and Amber escalated with some meme-type pictures of Kanye making fun of Kim's sex tape. Khloé tried to act too cool, but in the end Amber landed more blows.



A photo posted by Amber Rose (@amberrose) on

Then, Kanye went on the air and said that Kim Kardashian (now Kim Kardashian West) made him "take 30 showers" before they hooked up because of his past relationship with Amber. This, obviously, was the opening bell for Round Two, and Amber did not shy away. At all.

They say a picture is worth a thousand words, so I'll let Twitter user @CraigSJ sum this up in 1,010 words:

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