I'd like to thank all the sheeple watching the Oscars for letting me feel superior tonight.
Who will take home the Golden Smug?
Another year, another barrage of faux-intellectuals, crusaders, and grumps clogging up our feeds and making everyone feel bad for tuning in to one of America's greatest mass distractions. Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of reasons to take a stand against the Oscars. If you're a sincere objector, I raise my glass to you in between playing an Oscar drinking game, because you make the world a better place. We all know, however, that most of the people who go online during the Oscars to say they're not watching them are just doing it for attention. This year, let's honor the best of the unbearable poseurs with the first annual Too Good To Watch The Oscars Awards!
Best Imitation Of A Hermit Monk Who Happens To Be On Facebook
"Just a reminder to all my friends on Facebook that Hollywood millionaires congratulating each other does nothing to bring you closer to transcendental bliss, reduce ocean plastic or increase female workforce participation in India. Check out this article I wrote for Thought Catalog about it and please be sure to share!"
Best Confusing Political Attack On A Movie Awards Show
"To everyone mad at Scott Walker for saying he's "not sure" if Obummer loves America or is Christian—I know that anyone watching the Oscars hates America and our troops!!!!! #blessed #AmericanSniper
Best Obvious "Live-Tweeting Not Watching The Oscars" Joke
It's a four-way tie!
"There isn't a Puppy Oscars on Animal Planet, so I'm just giving awards to my stuffed animals instead!" - @GenericSadComedian
"Why's everyone talking about Neil Patrick Harris? OMG ARE YOU ALL WATCHING DOOGIE HOWSER RERUNS, TOO?" - @ClevvverDoucheBouche
"If I wanted to watch overpaid white people get applause, I'd re-watch the Two and a Half Men finale. Which I am. #Anarchy" - @SNARKASM3000ANDFIVE
"Not watching the Oscars but according to Twitter, either Gone Girl just won or Neil Patrick Harris did a duet with Ben Affleck's penis." - @HEYOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Best Unconvincing Boycott Member
"I'm not watching an all-white awards show! Tonight I'm finally watching 12 Years In Selma." - Jane D'oh, Facebook, 5pm this afternoon.
Best Embrace Of The Wrong Boycott
"#LegoFilmsMatter! Yes the villain was Lord Business, but every character was a corporate mascot. Corps are ppl, too!" - John R. Publican, Facebook, 1/15/15.
Best Complete Dismissal Of A Coworker's Opinions
Steve Stephenson, Chase Bank Branch Millburn, NJ - "Oh please. Saying the The Imitation Game teaches people math is like saying a kids' menu maze teaches people about geography."
Best Supporting Dismissal Of A Coworker's Opinions
Brad Kovacs, Chase Bank Branch Millburn, NJ - "Yeah, Carol, you dumbass."
Best Making-It-About-Your Drama
"MY HUSBAND AND I WATCHED THE OSCARS EVERY YEAR AND NOW WE'RE DIVORCED. ALL OF YOUR TWEETS ARE LIKE ICICLES IN MY EYEBALLS."
"Man, I really wish I was watching the Oscars. Too bad I have to work tonight." - Neil Patrick Harris