1. The Associated Press Adorably Sues To Obtain Emails Hillary Clinton Pretends She Will Let Us See
The Associated Press, bless their hearts, have filed suit against the U.S. Department of State after multiple Freedom of Information Act requests to get their hands on Hillary Clintons' public emails dating back to 2010—which totally do not contain any classified information that could impact negatively upon her 2016 presidential campaign—were ignored. So cute, it breaks my heart!
I like to think the emails Hillary's hiding are just really clever dick jokes about Bill.
— bitter spice (@goldengateblond) March 11, 2015
2. Ben Carson: The People Will Stop The Third Term That Obama Isn't Trying To Get
Ben Carson—the neurosurgeon and likely GOP presidential candidate who has been making a name for himself in conservative circles by saying all manner of intolerant, ignorant things—reassured readers of the ultra-conservative website World Net Daily that Barack Obama will not be getting a third term in office because "We the people would oppose it through our Constitution, the 22nd Amendment of which forbids more than two terms." Also because he has made zero effort to stay any longer than he has to.
Ben Carson is living proof that neurosurgeons can be complete idiots.
— Tom Ceraulo (@tceraulo) March 4, 2015
3. 'Blurred Lines' Loses Lawsuit About Something Other Than How Weird And Rapey It Is
Robin Thicke and Pharrell Williams' 2013 hit "Blurred Lines" was found by an L.A. jury to be a ripoff of Marvin Gaye's 1977 classic "Got to Give It Up," even though the two songs don't really have all that much in common aside from a ineffable feeling. Unfortunately, you cannot get sued for writing a song that glamorizes date rape and has the creepiest, most-sexist music video in decades.
BREAKING: Jury demands Pharrell pay 30% of 2015 hat budget for ripping off Marvin Gaye on 'Blurred Lines'
— Mike White (@theMikeWhite) March 11, 2015
4. Senate Republicans Can't Believe That Obama Didn't Laugh At Their Hilarious Iran Letter Joke
Republicans in the U.S. Senate have been taken aback at how everybody, including President Obama, failed to see how funny their hilariously borderline-treasonous letter to Iran was. "The administration has no sense of humor when it comes to how weakly they have been handling these negotiations," a GOP aide said of the "cheek" effort to undermine the Executive Office.
What people should be angry about is that the Republicans' letter to Iran ended with "...and don't forget to check out our podcast."
— Rex Huppke (@RexHuppke) March 11, 2015
5. Chameleons' Ability To Not Attract Attention Attracts Attention
A new scientific study has found that chameleons may expand and contract nanocrystals in their skin in order to change color to blend in with their surroundings. Because everything has to have nano-something nowadays.
My chameleon isn't quite what it used to be
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) February 15, 2015