Why not marry a partner who inhales morning breath and exhales oxygen?
Doing it loggie style. (via Twitter)
This Sunday, the Internet fell in love with this story about Emma McCabe, the woman who wants to marry a tree she has named "Tim," which/whom she claims is "the best sex I've ever had."
The only problem, besides the uncomfortable conclusions one must draw about how sex with a tree is accomplished, is that no one can find her anywhere. The story first went viral after it was tweeted out by user @MuLTi_EU as a slam towards a friend.
Emma and the popular poplar. (via Twitter)
The image claims the story is from the UK tabloid magazine Closer, but when I searched "tree marry" on their website, this story wasn't among the 12 that came up. (Strangely, three of the results were related to the Kardashians. The natural outcome of their pervasiveness in tabloid culture, or is there a more plant-based theme emerging amongst the K clan? A topic for another time, perhaps.)
It's a shame, really, because from the portion of the magazine we can see, we get gems like, "Growing up, Emma loved the outdoors, but it wasn't until adulthood that she realized how deep-rooted her feelings towards trees were."
Cosmopolitan, certain that the story is a fake, has sent out a desperate plea to contact Miss McCabe, but so far there have been no updates.
I reached out to @MuLTi_EU to find out the origin of the story, and was treated to this exchange:
Then he told me "your nanas a dead corpse."
Ok. So. As best I can tell, the legend of the tree-sex-marriage-woman has beginnings as foggy as life itself. It came from the Internet, but what came before the Internet? I'm stumped.
Also, no wonder this woman is over men and has moved on to trees. Whoever started this story is kind of a dick.