5. The cast of 'Star Wars: The Force Awakens,' because Harrison Ford told them their lives are over.
Look at those fresh, young, hopeful faces. The fools.(Getty)
The cast of the original Star Wars trilogy reunited for a panel at Comic-Con this weekend, joining their younger costars from the upcoming sequel The Force Awakens. While there, Harrison Ford was asked if he had any advice for them on living life as a Star Wars alum. His answer was characteristically grim:
Of course, Harrison Ford has a right to be grumpy. Being in Star Wars turned him into the greatest and most famous movie star of the past 50 years. Let's just hope the new kids are spared such a horrible fate.
4. Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto, because he can't keep the country's most infamous criminal in jail.
Mexico's president and a ruthless drug kingpin. If you can't tell the difference, you're racist.
(via Getty/Twitter)
Being the president of Mexico seems like a thankless job. I don't want to be too hard on President Peña Nieto, but this has to be an embarrassing day for him. When he took power in 2012, he promised to root out drug violence and reduce corruption. Now, drug violence and corruption are teaming up to show him who's really in charge.
Joaquín "Chapo" Guzmán Loera, one of Mexico's most notorious and feared drug lords, escaped from prison for the second time on Saturday night. Guzmán previously escaped in 2001 by hiding in a laundry cart. He then spent an incredible 13 years on the run before being apprehended last year at his beachfront condo. His capture was lauded as the greatest victory of Peña Nieto's administration, which makes this escape all the more humiliating.
Guzmán escaped via a sophisticated tunnel dug underneath his prison, which is also his cartel's favorite method for smuggling drugs into America. It's unlikely the elderly Guzmán dug a mile-long tunnel by himself with a spoon, so authorities are assuming he had cooperation from both inside and outside the prison. Considering the fact that corrupt guards helped him escape last time, that seems like a given.
The Federales are tracking Guzmán now, but many are skeptical that he'll ever be seen again. He's probably sanding a boat on a beach in America by now.
3. A Florida man who was sentences to 2 1/2 years in prison for having sex on the beach.
At least they're not unattractive.(Florida State Department of Corrections, Florida Department of Law Enforcement via Washington Post)
Sex on the beach isn't just a fruity cocktail, it's also a major crime. That must have come as a shock to Jose Caballero and Elissa Alvarez, who made headlines two months ago when they decided to have a good old-fashioned "sandy bang" in full view of everyone on a public beach in Florida.
Six people filed official complaints, and the footage went viral on the Internet. Caballero tried to defend himself in court by saying that Alvarez had just been dancing on top of him, but nobody believed that. Mostly because there aren't any dances where your penis penetrates a vagina (deliberately). Assistant State Attorney Anthony Dafonseca had this to say:
“She wasn't dancing. It's insulting your intelligence to say that she was dancing. I'm not going to tell you how exactly sexual intercourse goes but as far as how she was moving and as far as what the witnesses described, there is no need to be moving your bathing suit aside.”
Alvarez was sentenced to 60 days time served, but Caballero was sentenced to 30 months in prison because of a prior drug conviction. Drugs? Now I'm starting to think this guy might be a little sleazy.
2. Angelina Jolie, because Hugh Jackman's wife won't allow him to work with her.
Star-crossed actors.(Getty)
In a recent interview with Australia's Today Show, Hugh Jackman's wife of 19 years, Deborra-Lee Furness, was asked if there were any actresses she wouldn't allowed her husband to work with. In a tongue-in-cheek response, Furness said, "I've told his agent he's not allowed to work with Angelina. I'm sure she's lovely."
I'm sure she is too. Threateningly lovely. While it seems like Furness was joking, the truth remains that Jackman has never worked with Jolie in either of their long careers. And for those of us who've long been hoping for a Tomb Raider/Wolverine crossover film, it's a crushing blow. Jackman responded to the story in an interview with Entertainment Tonight:
"Deb and I have been married for 20 years. We have a lot of rules. We've very balanced. So she said that – as long as she doesn't work with Brad Pitt, we're cool."
Bad news, Hugh. She is working with Brad Pitt – on a baby! (Speculation)
1. A Pennsylvania man who was found naked and drunk in a barn and told the cops, "I just like pigs."
A face that says "I like pigs."(via Manor Township Police)
On a scale of "Floridaness," Pennsylvania ranks just under Florida. The stories read just like Florida ones, but with a subtle Appalachian twist. In this case, pigs.
Larry William Henry, a man with an overabundance of first names, was arrested recently after he was found naked in a hog barn in Lancaster County, Pennsylvania. Henry was drunk, and in the company of several prize hogs. When asked why he was there, Henry had the best defense I've ever heard. He told the police:
"I just like pigs."
I'm surprised they didn't let him off the hook right there. He also admitted to drinking a six-pack of Hamm's Beer, which is a perfect detail. He was arrested and held on a $25,000 bail. Henry is due back in trial later this month, and isn't expected to see any leniency. He might have, but he was banned from ever returning to that exact barn in 2011, under mysterious circumstances.
Now that is a man who really likes pigs.