In an unexpected turn, we are glad "Minions" exist.

Look at their smug, heroic faces.(via Getty)

Ever since the Minions movie dominated the box office like it was making love to a yellow fire hydrant, many of us have been inundated with the disgusting little creatures clogging our newsfeeds and brains with their inane chatter. DEATH TO MINIONS! Wait, not so fast. One of these horrible banana chodes finally made a difference in the world (besides guaranteeing that screenwriters get axed completely from the movie-making process: "Um, yeah, here the Minion just garbles some bullsh*t, cut to an explosion, money flies in all our faces, and scene.").

A Minion has saved a 5-year-old girl's life, according to The Daily News:

"A stuffed 'Minion' teddy bear cushioned the fall of a 5-year-old girl when she accidentally fell out of a third-story window in Colorado Springs on Thursday night... The girl had been playing in her room when she fell backwards out the window.

'Fortunately, when the child fell out of the window she continued holding on to a stuffed Minion teddy bear that is believed to have cushioned her fall,' cops said."

If Minions can save even one child's life, I guess they're worth it. But she better grow up to cure cancer or something!

This is what it actually feels like to breastfeed a newborn.

Motherhood is a beautiful thing. (via Hamusoku)

Oh sure, there are moments of magic and deep emotional connection—of love so strong it can be terrifying—but also a lot of moments when you're just like, "What liquid is trickling down my stomach this time? Oh cool, it's not shit."

So this is life now.

And of course, it's when you've given up, and you're just lying on the floor allowing yourself to be used for your mammary secretions, that some stranger walks by and says: "You MUST TREASURE EVERY MOMENT."

This photo, originally tweeted by Twitter user @ninetail with the caption "Just Drink It" has gone viral. We'd better enjoy it before Facebook flags it for inappropriateness.

Come on, every 6-year-old goes through a Hitler phase.

You mean a monarchy based on blood relations kinda fux with Hitler?! (via The Sun)

The U.K. tabloid The Sun, which is like the New York Post but somehow more terrible, uncovered a video of a young Queen Elizabeth II giving the Nazi salute. The 17-second clip was filmed in 1933 on grainy black-and-white celluloid film (the Vine of its time period). From left to right, the clip features Queen Elizabeth's mother (some British lady who thought she ruled India), a 6-year-old Queen Elizabeth, Elizabeth's uncle Edward VIII (also thought he ruled India), and a three-year-old Princess Margaret.

Even though people are going crazy over the photo, Queen Elizabeth never actually supported Nazism. She was only in her teens during the war and actually went to great lengths to use her position of power to support British victims of the blitzkrieg. She also served as a mechanic in the Women's Auxiliary Territorial Service during the war (and famously still knows how to repair a truck). Her younger sister just continued her studies, since she was too young to get involved. Elizabeth's mother, on the other hand, was one of the leading figures in the United Kingdom's fight against Fascism. Hitler once even called her "The most dangerous woman in Europe" for the threat she posed to his regime. The real shadiness of this video lies with Edward VIII.

Edward VIII was a total Nazi-loving dickhead for a significant portion of his life. He openly expressed support for Hitler, and even visited him in 1937. Hitler was hoping to use him to his advantage, but Edward abdicated his power so he could marry his twice-divorced lover (royalty wasn't allowed to marry divorcees), so he wasn't much help. Here's a black-and-white film picture (the Instagram of its time) of Edward and his wife meeting the führer:

"OMG let's throw this on the 'gram." (via Wikipedia)

Obviously, Buckingham Palace is pissed. This video was somehow smuggled out of their private, personal collection and they think the public is misinterpreting it. Many historians have spring to the family's defense, with statements such as:

I don't think there was a child in Britain in the 1930s or 40s who has not performed a mock Nazi salute as a bit of a lark.

It just shows the Royal Family are as human as the next man.

They're basically saying, "Ay, come on, it was the 30s! People threw up a heil once in a while, it's NBD."

Meanwhile, other historians are thrilled, since the artifacts like this deepen our understanding of complicated historical relations between Germany and the U.K. Watch is below for yourself. Make sure to turn your volume up, since the sound is a little hard to hear.

Kandee Johnson makes YouTube makeup tutorials. In her latest video, she transforms herself into four different Kardashians with just a little makeup. Okay, it's the Kardashians, so lots and lots of makeup.

Johnson obviously has a talent for makeup, and she used that talent, ironically to make herself resemble four people whose talent is questionable or possibly non-existent. It's pretty impressive what a little face-dye and hair-paint can do.

She could possibly fool Ray J if it was kind of dark out. (ViaYouTube)

And here she is as the most tolerable one. (ViaYouTube)

Johnson can even pull off looking like one of the younger, lesser Kardashians. (ViaYouTube)

5. Chris Brown, because his house was robbed and his friends probably did it.

Cheer up, Chris. We all get played sooner or later.(Getty)

Last week, Chris Brown's new house in the San Fernando Valley was burgled while the rapper/abuser/mopeyface was partying at a club. Brown's aunt was in the house at the time, and the intruders stuck a gun in her face, locked her in a closet, and ransacked the house, taking money and valuables. This only thing that could make this worse for Brown is if it turned out the robbers were his friends. And of course they were.

TMZ is reporting that Brown has become convinced members of his close-knit crew were responsible for the robbery. What's more, the police agree with him. And it doesn't stop there. A club promoter was previously implicated, and now the Bloods are believed to be involved. Because of that, a member of the LAPD Gang Unit is investigating the case.

I, for one, can't believe Chris Brown is hanging around with armed robbers, crooked club promoters, and gang bangers. They should all know better than to be seen with him.

4. Cheaters, because Ashley Madison was hacked.

Once your spouse finds out you're cheating, your life will really be short.
(Ashley Madison via Krebs on Security)

People who cheat on their spouse using a website probably think they're being smart about it. After all, it's not like they're fooling around with someone at work – that's just messy. Ashley Madison, a dating site for married cheaters, has always thrived off of that sense of safety, boasting about its discretion, encryption, and award-winning data security. Of course, talk like that just taunts the hackers. And hackers can get in anywhere.

This weekend, an organization calling itself The Impact Team successfully hacked Ashley Madison, acquiring the personal information of as many as 37 million users. This isn't the largest hack in recent history, but the information is probably the most personal. The Impact Team replaced Ashley Madison's homepage with an ominous threat. Here's a snippet:

"Worst fucking nightmare" is a nice touch.(via Krebs on Security)

Is it possible that the hackers have no financial motive, and are just offended by the idea of sad people having awkward affairs through a shady website? If so, I'll lose some respect for hackers in general. I always thought they were edgier than that.

3. Anyone going to the beach this summer, because the sand is covered in poop.

"Look mom! I made a poop castle!"(stock photo)

There's no shortage of gross stuff at the beach. Dead crabs, garbage, red tide, unsettling photobombers… even the water itself is full of pollution and baby pee. But until now, the one thing we assumed was safe was the pristine white sand itself. Well, get ready to have summer ruined forever, because a new study claims that beach sand is teeming with fecal bacteria.

According to a report published in the journal Environment Science & Technology, not only are there high numbers of poop-borne bacteria in beach sand, but they actually survive longer there than they do in the water. Another study found that more people are infected with germs that cause diarrhea and other summer fun symptoms from digging in the sand than from swimming in the ocean.

Is there a solution to this problem? Yes, live your whole life in a hermetically sealed box and never go near the coast. Or you could just stick yourself with every used syringe you find on the beach. One of them might contain some antibiotics (don't actually do this).

2. 'Clueless' fans, because they're old.

Can you believe it's been 20 years since every woman in America dressed like this?
(via Facebook)

Clueless was one of those movies that defined a generation of teenagers, like Pretty in Pink, Rebel Without a Cause, or A Clockwork Orange. When it was released on July 19, 1995, it brought Valley Girl culture into the mainstream. All of a sudden, everyone was using "Monet" as an insult, taking Polaroids of their outfits, and raving about teen sensation Dan Hedaya.

But now, twenty full years have passed, and every teenager who felt that Clueless understood them has become a 30-something left behind by pop culture. These days, every movie about teenagers has them fighting for their lives in some sort of dystopian bloodsport. Clueless star Donald Faison expressed a generation's sorrow perfectly in this tweet:

I feel a old today. #20years#Clueless
— Donald Faison (@donald_faison) July 19, 2015

Poor Donald. Maybe he can take comfort in the fact that his co-star Paul Rudd looks exactly the same and is playing a superhero. I know I do.

1. This guy, who tried to steal a sword from a Renaissance Faire and was subdued by a comely wench.

Just because you have greasy Game of Thrones hair doesn't mean you can go around pillaging the countryside.
(via Douglas County Sheriff's Office)

Renaissance Faires are a great way to revisit a simpler time: a time of lords and ladies, knights and princesses, and drunken hoodlums getting tackled by all of them.

That must have been what Connor Ward was thinking when he had a few too many flagons at the Colorado Renaissance Festival. The 22-year-old gate-crashed a joust, grabbed one of the performers' swords from a haystack, and tried to run off with it. He probably assumed that because he was capable of pulling the sword from the haystack, he was the king, but he soon learned he was wrong. He was immediately caught and put into a headlock by a woman in a wench costume. The pictures, tweeted by 9 News, are amazing:

He's smiling because this is the closest he's ever come to a buxom bosom.
(9 News via Twitter)

This grizzled knight has seen too much bloodshed in his life to waste his time gutting such a pathetic whelp.
(9 News via Twitter)

He put up such a fight, they had to call in reinforcements from the future.
(9 News via Twitter)

When police arrived, Ward tried to fight them too, but was unsuccessful. He was arrested for assault on a police officer, resisting arrest, and theft. If convicted, he will be beheaded.

Finally, someone took a stand against people taking a stand against sea turtles.

If you hate turtles, don't worry: they have plenty of natural enemies. (via Getty)

In a truly WTF story, a drunk man attacked a group of people protecting a sea turtle nest as it hatched those bitty babies into the ocean. Stanley Pannaman, a 72-year-old ex-Marine, was one of the last walls between this turtle-rage-fueled madman and endangered new lives. According to The Daily News, this is how it went down after he and his friend Doug Young were approached by the assailant, human distillery Michael McAuliffe:

"'He was sitting on a bench near the entrance and he said "I hate sea turtle people, you f---ing bother me, get out of here,"' Pannaman said... soon after, McAuliffe walked up to the habitat and began removing the sticks and tape... Pannaman said he began to inform McAuliffe he was breaking the law but the suspect then allegedly took a swing at Young."

"I HATE SEA TURTLE PEOPLE." That sounds like a person who can be reasoned with.

You know what would really diffuse this situation? A firearm. Luckily, Pannaman was packing that heat. He took out his .32 caliber Kel-Tec pistol, flashing it at McAuliffe. But when Pannaman turned to his cell phone to try and call the cops, McAuliffe grabbed the gun.

He said 'I'll shoot you with the flare gun' and I said 'it's a real gun.'"

"He pointed it at my chest and in that split second I turned away from him so he would not be pointing (the gun) at my chest. If he fired into my chest I'd be a dead man."

The bullet entered the left side of Pannaman's body near his belly button and it traveled into his buttock.

'He [McAuliffe] asked me "Are you all right?"' Pannaman said. 'I looked at him and I said "No, I'm not all right. You just shot me."

It's pretty horrible that Pannaman had to go through all this when he was doing something genuinely good. Unless you hate turtles. But who hates turtles? Not this kid:

Pananman is expected to make a full recovery, and McAullife is stewing in Broward County jail on charges of aggravated battery with a deadly weapon, possession of a weapon by a convicted felon, and battery on a person 65 or older. Weird how someone with such strong opinions might already be a convicted felon.

Why should babies be exempt from common human decency?

A window into the dark underbelly of the brunch business. (via WCSH6)

Who do babies think they are? No one else in society is allowed sleep, poop, and cry whenever and wherever they want. We've been living under this injustice too long. Luckily for us, a diner owner in Portland, Maine was brave enough to finally do something about it.

Darla Neugebauer is the owner of Marcy's Diner, a popular brunch spot in downtown Portland. On Saturday, a young couple decided to go for a bite at Marcy's. Their toddler started crying, but they did nothing about it. Darla repeatedly tried to get them to take their baby outside, but the couple refused. Darla was fed up. She slammed her hands on the table and yelled at the baby to be quiet. The baby shut up, but the couple was outraged. The baby's mother posted an angry Facebook review, and Darla responded from the Marcy's Diner account:

I love when adults do stuff like this.(via Facebook)

Text:

Tara Carson: I had the worst experience at this establishment. The owner is an absolute lunatic and screamed in the face of my almost 2 year old child bc she was crying. Who in their right mind would behave like this unless you are deranged. You have a problem with a child crying then you are not suitable to run a business. If it bothered you so much you should have spoken to me and not traumatized my child by screaming in her face. May karma bite you in the a@@.

Marcy's Diner: lit all started because YOUR PARTY NEEDED 3 full size pancakes for this 2 year old! 3 fucking pancakes at Marcy's! I believe right there should have told me you were ignorant! The waitress even told you there was an issue with 3 full size pancakes from marcy's! But no! You want them for yup a fucking child! Whatever !! I have a very small space both on my grill & in my diner! So it takes a moment! So when things get busy we wait! After your 4 th attempt to shut her up I asked you to pack up either your rotten child or take the so important pancakes to go........but NNNNOOOOOOO you just sit there & let your fucking screaming kid go! & piss off my staff & my patrons! Fuck you! And guess what.? She shut the fuck up after I yelled from 5 feet away! I was in your stupid husband's face I was in! the without any balls! I have a business to run & yes I am fucking crazy & you are lucky I didn't get really fucking nuts because being physical is not something I cower from.....male or female.
Your lesson today. Not everyone thinks you & your family are all that! At least noone at Marcy's Diner!

Apparently, the couple attributed the crying to the long wait time, but Darla told the media that they hadn't even fed their baby any of its food by the time she shut it up. The story went viral and now there's a review war happening on the Marcy's Diner Facebook page over whether or not it was okay for Darla to scream at the baby. The majority of these reviewers have never actually eaten at the restaurant, but that hasn't made any of their opinions less intense. The scales are just about balanced, with the pro-Marcy camp winning by a small margin:

In a review war, there's no room for nuanced, moderate opinions. (via Facebook)

The couple told a Portland news agency that they felt threatened, but when that same agency interviewed Darla, she wasn't the least bit apologetic.

I would love to be on the same flight as her.

You ever thought, "That song 'Jealous' is weird, but maybe only because a dude is singing it?" Well, it is, and it wasn't.

Kelly Clarkson sounds bomb singing this cover of a disturbing song at Radio City Music Hall last week, of course, because she has incredible pipes. The song's content remains... questionable. The Jonas brothers are sacred to tween, teen, and child-like women everywhere, so maybe the fantasy of Nick Jonas scrolling through their Instagram feed and grilling them over why they're wearing a small top is actually thrilling?

I wish you didn't have to post it all
I wish you'd save a little bit just for me
Protective or possessive, yeah
Call it passive or aggressive

I turn my cheek music up
And I'm puffing my chest
I'm getting ready to face you
Can call me obsessed
It's not your fault that they hover
I mean no disrespect
It's my right to be hellish
I still get jealous

Right to be hellish? Oh, hell no. I don't know how this entire song isn't a red flag waving at a nation of fangirls, but you're getting a hard pass from me, Nick Jonas. And it doesn't sound any better coming from a woman! I mean, it does literally sound better, because Kelly Clarkson is a better singer than him. But the message is just as messed up.

If you just mentally replace the word "jealous" with "shellfish" it improves enormously. Lifehack.

You can still wear cut-offs and flower wreaths!!!!!

.@osheaga Music Festival takes a step forward and bans Native Headdress http://t.co/ofi0S9qW0Spic.twitter.com/NYXBT5XZti
— Pigeons & Planes (@PigsAndPlans) July 14, 2015

Sorry, all you wannabe Tiger Lilies (who is a racist cartoon character, remember), The Guardian reports that Montreal's Osheaga Music and Arts Festival is the first of its kind to create a clear policy on the wearing of headdresses by non-indigenous people: Any attendee who shows up wearing a headdress will have it confiscated upon entry or be asked to leave and return without it. They've also very bravely outlawed selfie sticks.

You brought this on yourselves! What does going to a music festival even have to do with wearing traditional First Nation headdresses? Nothing. Nada. Zilch. There are plenty of other things that we can put on our heads to represent the experience. Here's a short list:

1. A bird's nest made out of guitar strings.
2. A basket full of Molly.
3. A scrolling LED sign of all the texts you send your friends trying to figure out which porta-potty they're standing on line at.
4. A sunscreen dispensary. But it's, like, a hat.
5. A drop-down screen that plays a short Ken Burns' segment on The Trail of Tears every time you think about putting a headdress back on.

There ya go. And for a little more on the reasons why wearing a headdress is inappropriate and offensive, this is what Niigaanwewidam James Sinclair, head of the Department of Native Studies at the University of Manitoba, has to say about misusing the ceremonial garb:

“A headdress is bestowed to a person in a leadership position. Each feather in the headdress represents a relationship that has been forged by that leader or a relationship that leader carries within the community and outside the community. A feather has thousands of little strands and they all represent different relationships. That's what a leader carries: those relationships.

“People have been dressing up like Indians for 150 years. It's about celebrating the conquest of indigenous people. People don't understand how degrading it is to have a sacred object within a culture stolen and appropriated and misused in an inappropriate setting."

Another reason Osheaga decided this was the year to say buh-bye to pseudo-indigenous head pieces is the planned appearance of A Tribe Called Red, a First Nations electronic group from Ottawa. Caroline Audet, manager of public relations at Evenko, Osheaga's promoter, says it was that much more important to implement the policy out of respect to the band. The decision is having ripple effects across Canada, as more music festivals review their policies. And their accessories.

That little punk Babe would never have the guts do this.

"That won't do, pig. That won't do." (via Vulture/YouTube)

Remember when Rihanna released that crazy, kind-of-based-on-real-life, super-NSFW music video in which she kills her accountant who owes her money? Someone remixed it to clips of Miss Piggy from The Muppets, and it's perfect. As an empowered feminist pig, Miss Piggy is the perfect puppet analogue to Rihanna; and although it doesn't feature her soaked in blood at any point, it's a nice combination of her smacking Kermit around and menacingly staring at other Muppets.

The video was produced as a collaboration between Vulture and mash-up artist Mylo the Cat, and just like Mylo's other Muppets mash-ups (which include The Beastie Boys and Ol' Dirty Bastard), the clips line up perfectly with the music. I won't call you on your bluff, Miss Piggy. Now please don't hurt me.

Will the real Harry Potter please stand up?

"Sorry for subjecting you to that." (via Getty)

For the second act in what I can only hope is Daniel Radcliffe trying to become Bill Murray by getting caught doing random, everyday things, Radcliffe was filmed doing karaoke at Cameron's pub in Half Moon Bay, California on Saturday. He was with his girlfriend, Erin Darke, and the two of them rapped "The Real Slim Shady" by Eminem on karaoke. Well, Radcliffe mainly did the rapping, while Darke did a hilarious, exaggerated dance while shouting along to the chorus. The rapping was fun to watch, but that comes as no surprise; we all know that Lil Danny can drop some rhymes. He keeps up with the pace, and there's something so magnificently awkward about him nervously rhyming about clitorises and putting his bum on people's lips in a half-British, half-American accent. Let's hope this leads to a mixtape, preferably one titled "36 Chambers of Secrets" or "Scary Potter and the Half-Blunt Prince."

Vladislav "Sam" Samsonov was a tollbooth operator for 29 years before he was fired for a small act of kindness.

Sam Samsonov, human E-Z Pass.(NBC 2 via YouTube)

A little kindness goes a long way in this cold, cruel world. It can brighten someone's day, reaffirm their faith in mankind, or even save their life. It can also get your kind ass canned.

Vladislav Samsonov has worked as a toll collector on the Boca Grande Causeway for nearly 30 years. He has a personal relationship with many of the people and families who frequent the Causeway. They affectionately know him as "Sam," and they always seek out his lane, knowing that he'll have lollipops for the kids and treats for the dogs. He's just a nice guy.

In fact, Sam is so nice that he'll occasionally pay for part of a driver's toll out of his own pocket, if they don't have enough cash. That doesn't sit well with his supervisors, just because it subverts the basic idea of a tollbooth. Sam's been warned before about this kind of behavior, but never officially written up. That's why he was shocked when he was abruptly fired for paying $5.50 of a trucker's toll.

Sam's former tollbooth — now cold and empty.(NBC 2 via YouTube)

Sam wasn't officially fired — his supervisors first offered to let him switch from working five days a week to working two. He refused the offer, telling them, "If I can't be trusted for five days, how can I be trusted for two days?" It's sound logic, and it convinced them not to trust him at all. He was terminated.

Sam doesn't need the money. He's a military veteran and has a comfortable income, but he's always kept working for his love of the people. He told NBC 2, "I gave children suckers 20 years ago. Now I'm giving those children suckers for their children." He's planning to do volunteer work with his spare time, but he'll never be able to forget all those suckers, or the smiling faces behind them.

Those faces will miss him too, and not just for his endless supply of suckers. Sam's daughter posted his story to Facebook, where it was flooded with hundreds of comments of support. People shared their favorite memories of Sam and insisted that he should be reinstated at the tollbooth.

Somebody printed the comments for Sam, who was touched. He told NBC 2, "Makes me feel good, makes me want to cry. But bite your tongue and you'll be ok."

It doesn't look like Sam will be back in the booth any time soon, which is OK with his family. They had been trying to get him to retire for years. Let's hope he does take up volunteer work, because his thoughtfulness and old world charm could improve lives many places besides a tollbooth. He's improving mine, and I'm just reading about him. It's like a contact high of kindness.

Here's the full report from 'NBC 2':

Here's what's in store for you, cheaters! Hopefully at least your infidelities won't cause Gawker to implode.

ROXXXXXANNE. YOU DON'T HAVE TO PUT ON THAT RIGHT SWIPE.
Ok, I just needed to get that one out of my system.(via r/Tinder)

As you may have heard, hackers broke into the dark, dank digital dungeon of cheating website Ashley Madison (and their partner sites, like the "how is this not prostitution, exactly?" match site for moneyed dues and willing ladies, EstablishedMen.com) and are threatening to expose the private details of clients unless the site shuts down for good. This includes clients who forked over $19 to the site for their much-touted "permanent delete" function, which turned out to be a scam—the scumbag company held on to every scumbag client's personal data, despite promising explicitly to wipe it from their scum servers. Well, if that threat comes to pass, cheaters, these screenshots from Facebook, Tinder, and Twitter should give you a little taste of what's in store for you when your duped loved ones find out.

If you have a moment, read the story about how these three women found each other and exposed this dude.

Cheating on your wife is only slightly worse than being a loud a-hole yelling at his bros on a train.(via)

Kevin: she just thinks it was "convo" so I'm still ahead. Winning. (via)

One is the loneliest number. Three is the worst, though. (via)

To lie about love is terrible. To lie about dogs is unforgivable. (via)

Srsly, those guys giving hickeys are so disrespectful of our soldiers abroad.(via)

Our lists are even better than BuzzFeed's, Meghan. We'll treat your revenge with the dignity it deserves.(via)

Johnny, you are a disgrace to Johnnys everywhere (namely, me).(via Failbook)

Beats getting an email from Ashley Madison hackers. (via)

Related: Tinder cheaters

Related: Facebook cheaters

Not only do we eat a lot of disgusting food, we also waste a lot of disgusting food. Like, a LOT. Yay America!

I do not mean to imply that Cap'n Crunch is disgusting; I know very little about the Cap'n's personal habits. (via YouTube)

Hello, America. You do not need me or John Oliver to tell you how f*cked our country's relationship with food often is, but maybe you do need someone to tell you exactly how much food we waste: 40%. An estimated 40% of all the food produced in our country ends up in the trash. This is in the same country where 41.9 million people are "food insecure," which is a delicate way of saying, "HOLY SHIT MILLIONS OF AMERICANS CAN'T GET ENOUGH TO EAT."

Obviously, John Oliver has some choice thoughts on the matter:

While Oliver dives deep as always, much of his piece does focus on how businesses can waste less food, rather than individuals (although seriously, you should follow his advice and ignore the "use by" dates on food; trust your nose to figure out whether something's good instead). I actually used to work for a frugal living site, and I can tell you from experience that there's a whole bunch of stuff you can do to reduce food waste that doesn't suck butt or require that you turn your apple peels into a tea and then take the apple-peel tea remnants and grind them up into an exfoliator or whatever. For example:

• Freeze half your leftovers instead of putting them all in the fridge. I don't care how good that chili is; you won't want to eat it for five days in a row. Instead, you'll probably start ignoring its presence in your fridge after day three, allowing it to develop a delightful mold coat. But if you put half that chili in the freezer, you can eat it in a month when it sounds awesome again.
• If you know you can't or don't want to take leftovers home from a restaurant, and you know you can't eat all of their standard portion, ask your waiter to bring you a smaller-than-normal amount of food. What are they going to say: "No! You have to eat ALL the fries?" They won't, because nobody would go to that dumb restaurant.
• If your fruit is getting a little too old to eat fresh, but it isn't moldy, cook it. Bananas can be made into banana bread, obviously, but other fruits have more life to them too. Berries or stone fruits can be made into awesome fruit syrups that are great on pancakes or ice cream (here's a basic recipe, although I like leaving the fruit solids in mine), or you can always bake them into pies or cakes.
• Don't buy all your foods in bulk. Costco saves you jack shit if you buy a giant block of cheddar and half of it goes moldy before you've used it.

That's it! Those are all the things you can do to stop wasting food.

J/K, you guys! That's just a start. The New York Times has a pretty good list of suggestions, so I suggest you head there next.

Dude. DUDE. DUDE!!!

HE WAS STILL DANCING WHEN HE KNOCKED HER OVER AGAIN.

Judging by the (garbled) introduction of "Miss Kelly (something? Gonzalez?) and Kevin Liu" (total guesses) and her blue dress, I don't think this was the bride and groom, but a bridesmaid and groomsman. Still...I don't think anyone at that reception wants that bouquet. That thing has to be cursed after enduring that.

Never has watching two people do The Stanky Leg conjured such different feelings.

Face. Off.

This should be obvious. Riley Curry, the 3-year-old daughter of NBA MVP Stephen Curry, has long had her image circulating around the Interwebs, because she frequently wows us with her insane adorableness. So you might think, duh, Riley whipped it and nae-naed (not sure that can be used as a verb, but I'm going for it) the competition into oblivion. Let's see:

This is 3!!! Happy birthday baby girl! Never a dull moment. You light up our lives and keep us on our toes. Mommy and daddy love you so much. Let's celebrate!
A video posted by Ayesha Curry (@ayeshacurry) on Jul 19, 2015 at 11:19am PDT

Wow. Unbelievable and, hands down, The Winner. Unless... Do you like getting creeped out?

Holy sh*t. When it comes to flawlessly executed dance moves by Uncanny Valley demons, this Incredibles' character completely nails it. While I enjoyed Riley's dance enormously, I didn't watch her with my faced twisted in horror, unable to look away for fear I'd conjure this nightmare into my waking life if I took my eyes off it for a moment.

Well, it was a trick question. We, the viewers, are the real winners in this competition. Because there was something for everyone! Now excuse me while I scream into a pillow.

When I first joined OKCupid, I learned something about romance that many others already knew: straight men constantly talk about Sriracha in their online dating profiles. (If you've been in a relationship for a long time, Sriracha is a type of Asian hot sauce.)

(via Flickr)

This was back in the simpler time of 2012, when swiping had not yet been invented and I was more engaged in the process of typing messages to strangers wearing chambrays in their profile pictures. But a recent perusal of OkCupid shows that the Sriracha obsession lives on. (I reactivated my account to investigate, so if I fall in love it's your dumb fault for reading this.)

So why does everyone talk about Sriracha? What is it code for? In the examples above, it seems like a culturally agreed upon reference that is a little more interesting than "family" but still far enough within millennial societal norms not to be risky or weird. Basically, it's a boring thing that's spicy.

After wading through a lot of Sriracha dissertations, I went on my first OKCupid date with a guy named something that every guy in their twenties is named. It's not even worth making up a fake name for this article. You can probably just guess what it is. He was an indie music publicist, which was such a movie character job, which I told him, which was a test, which he passed (by laughing). He messaged me and asked if I wanted to see a comedy show. Part of me didn't, because my motivation for trying online dating was to stop entering toxic dynamics with people I met through comedy. But part of me did, because when I repeat the same mistakes they feel familiar.

On our great and kind of awkward first date, we got drinks and walked around the East Village and kissed outside a subway stop. We ended up continuing to see each other for a couple months, but decrease some of how long you think that is because it was during the holidays and a rare city hurricane. He had been to my apartment a few times, but I had never been to his. There were a lot of reasons why. He had roommates he wasn't friendly with. He lived in a different part of Brooklyn and always offered to take the long subway ride to my neighborhood. Eventually, he admitted he was embarrassed that he had a twin bed. And if you carefully examine the subtext of our text messages, there was another reason too:

What do you think he was getting at here?

Finally, one weekend, we did go to his apartment. Yes, he had a twin bed, which he had warned me about. What he hadn't told me was that it was a glorified mattress on the floor. And something else was on the floor too: furniture. No, just kidding, there was no other furniture.

There was a bottle of Sriracha.

A bottle of Sriracha stood alone in its own spot on the floor. Why was it there? Was it carefully placed to signify that he's interesting but not weird? Did he need to keep it close to where he sleeps because it really was one of the six things he couldn't do without? Did he have to last-minute eat some emergency pho right before he left? Did he really not even put away open food containers even though he knew I was coming over? Is it just one of those mysteries of love? I guess we'll never know the answer, since that was the last time I saw him.

Related: On-Screen Romance: I hit rock bottom, logged onto Match.com, and met my husband.