Miley made an announcement last night the only way Miley knows how: via crazy Instagram post.

Fuck yeah VMAs!!!!! #VMAs on @MTV Aug 30 at 9pm
A photo posted by Miley Cyrus (@mileycyrus) on Jul 20, 2015 at 3:52pm PDT

Miley told the world that she'll be hosting the VMAs by posting the above splitscreen photo featuring herself in an alien costume. In the left portion of the image, a masked alien person holds a sign that says, "MTV won't let me perform." Then, on the right side, we find out that the now unmasked alien person is Miley herself, and her sign says "so I'm hosting this year's VMAS."

At first, I thought the alien before/after makeover was a reference to something really cool—possibly from, like, a Hozier song—that I was just too lame to know about. I was really hating myself. But as far as I can tell, this isn't really a reference to anything. She's just being Miley.

If you'll recall, Miley was a major contributor to the VMAs two years ago when this whole situation happened:

(via MTV)

According to my sources (the caption of the Instagram photo), the VMAs will be August 30 at 9 p.m. on MTV.

Taylor Swift says she got with Calvin Harris because of this tweet from Lady Gaga.

@taylorswift13 wow you're a sweetheart! Life is friends, family, and love! We all see that in you, your prince charming will come!
— Lady Gaga (@ladygaga) March 2, 2015

Huh. Seems like general well-wishes, but not according to Tay-Tay:

@alexandergold Go read Gaga's tweet that she sent me a few months ago. It's good love luck. Because it's not a tweet. It's a magical spell.
— Taylor Swift (@taylorswift13) July 18, 2015

I guess well-wishes could be a "spell," kind of. Like saying "gesundheit" might cause a sneezing person to have good health forever after. And if there's a pop singer who I think might actually have some connection to the dark arts, it's Lady Gaga. You definitely need black magic to get through the night wearing a meat dress.

Also, Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris look very in love. Must be magic:

Friendly relations between Scotland and America. @calvinharris
A photo posted by Taylor Swift (@taylorswift) on Jul 3, 2015 at 4:33pm PDT

And then Lady Gaga confirmed her sorcery:

.@taylorswift13 I only cast happy spells! Unless there's bad blood. I have a separate cauldron for that. Happy for u pic.twitter.com/SZNHZ1g1sK
— Lady Gaga (@ladygaga) July 18, 2015

Ariel! Wait, so is Lady Gaga the sea-witch, Ursula? LOOK OUT TAYLOR!!!!

This is a dramatization.(via Disney)

We are always being watched.

The blurred-out face of a lying man.(via Google Street View/Telegraph)

After he had a heart attack, Donald Ryding of Merseyside, England was told to adjust his diet and quit smoking. But his wife Julie Ryding knew he was not following the rules when she found cookie wrappers in his car. Next came the big reveal, when Julie looked at her house on Google Street View and saw her sneaky husband smoking in their driveway.

Julie told The Telegraph:

"I couldn't believe it - there was no denying it now we'd seen him smoking. When Street View first launched, they didn't blur out faces, but there was no need to with him - he was covered by a cloud of smoke anyway."

Donald was totally shocked by when he found out that Google and its all-seeing vehicular minions had blown up his spot, saying:

"I couldn't believe it when she got it up on the computer! I'm much healthier now as I'm out walking three miles every day. I'm still a bit overweight, but healthy."

Considering he didn't take his doctor's post-heart-attack advice very seriously, I don't believe this guy knows what "healthy" is, but I hope he is on his way to getting there.

While I was working at CBS, Ashley Madison's parent company publicly called me homophobic for not approving their crappy stunt of a Super Bowl ad.

Shhh...don't tell anyone we're the worst. (via AshleyMadison.com)

This week, Ashley Madison's parent company Avid Life Media confirmed that a team of hackers had breached security walls to obtain the personal information of 37 million members. The hackers are threatening to release private user information unless Avid Life takes down Ashley Madison—where married people can meet to have an affair—and another site, Established Men—where rich men can meet young, beautiful women.

I don't condone the release of people's personal information. What people are into privately is no one else's business. But man, am I experiencing some joy in seeing Avid Life Media and their CEO Noel Biderman scramble this week. You see, Noel Biderman doesn't know who I am. But Noel Biderman and I have beef.

For nearly 10 years, I supported myself by working in Television Standards & Practices. For the uninitiated, S&P is the department in charge of making sure that all content adheres to the guidelines of what the network deems acceptable for viewers. S&P people press the button when someone at an award show says “shit." They assign those ratings that pop up at the beginning of TV shows that you probably don't pay attention to. Every once in a while, Dan Harmon shows us some love by Instagramming a note where we ask him to lose a bunch of F-words.

A photo posted by Dan Harmon (@danharmon) on Jun 18, 2015 at 6:13pm PDT

On TV, we are both the angry suits in Studio 60 and the sweet, hapless Kenneth on 30 Rock. The truth is that S&P people fall somewhere in between. Most of us don't wear suits and only some of us are mountain people. Standards & Practices is a job. I fell into it because I wanted to be a TV writer. It was 2005, I'd just graduated college, and Turner Broadcasting wanted to hire me. I wasn't one of those lucky people whose parents could fund a few underemployed years in New York or LA.

People assume that the folks who work in Standards & Practices are unfunny stiffs who are offended by everything. That's not true. An S&P worker's entire job is to watch TV and take detailed notes when they see an actress's underboob. I once had a conference call with a team of passionate producers who made me listen to 10 fart sounds, so I could choose the one that was the least wet.

Most of us have a sense of humor. If we were the kind of people who were personally offended by the shit you see on TV, we couldn't work in S&P.

Which brings me to the worst week of my life—and my beef with Avid Life Media. It was January 2010. I was working at CBS in New York, and part of my job was to review advertising. CBS was gearing up for Super Bowl XLIV. The networks airing the Super Bowl take their review of advertising very seriously. There are a lot of people watching that game. Including the kind of people who are likely to be offended by the shit they see on TV. Do you remember how upset people were about Janet Jackson's nipple? CBS does, too. And they will never forget it.

That bitterly cold week in January, Avid Life Media submitted this ad for their gay hook-up site ManCrunch.

I didn't immediately respond to them. As days passed, the site's spokesperson Elissa Buchter told CNBC: “We've been unable to get a response. I think they're just going to stall as long as they can, so it doesn't appear as if they are rejecting the ad." The implication, of course, was that CBS was homophobic. What other possible reason could there be to not approve an ad celebrating a loving, gay relationship?

This is the reason: My dad died. Yes, that week. Out of the blue. He was 61.

When my dad died, there were a lot of difficult things I had to do. I had to find the strength to get out of bed and get dressed. I had to call my boss and tell him that I would not be coming to work, because my father was dead. I had to drive with my husband the 12 hours to North Carolina to be with my mother and brother. I had to stay there, in the house I grew up in, realizing that life would never be the same.

There is one thing that I did not have to do. And that is: Check my work email.

No, I did not check my work email the week my father died. And I didn't see, until a week later, that Noel Biderman and Avid Life Media were throwing a shit fit, because I hadn't looked at their shoddy Super Bowl ad.

By then, they were really thrilled with CBS's—and my—non-response. It's exactly what they wanted. Avid Life Media has been accused of a particularly obnoxious advertising tactic. Allegedly, Avid Life produces TV ads that are designed to be rejected, submits them to the networks—usually to air during major event like the Academy Awards or yes, the Super Bowl—and then, when the network invariably rejects it, they go to the press. They express mock outrage. How dare they reject our beautiful ad? Avid Life Media walks away with all of the press without having to pay for any of the airtime.

A quick search brings about more examples: Ashley Madison in the Super Bowl and Ashley Madison in the Oscars.

When I returned to work, I sent a report to reject the ManCrunch ad. Within the hour, my confidential report had been forwarded to dozens of press outlets, along with a press release that had clearly been ready to go for days. My name and phone number were attached.

I was 26. I was crying in bed, grieving for my father. My husband was in the next room, collecting all of the articles that used my full name and branded me a homophobe. According to Avid Life, CBS had proven once and for all, we would not air an ad with a gay kiss.

Yes, we rejected the ad. But here's the shocker. It wasn't because it showed two men kissing. As I said, S&P people aren't offended by much. Here is what I am offended by: The exploitation of discriminated people to further your own financial gain.

Take a look at that ad. The entire premise is how funny and weird it is that two guys would make out. How gross, right? Behind them, spot the “No Entry" and Stop signs.

Gay sex is reduced to a ploy for cheap laughs. And just in case you didn't get it, they included a guy at the end to serve as the audience proxy to find the coupling weird and uncomfortable.

But what if CBS didn't have a problem with that? Avid Life hedged their bets by dressing the actors in Green Bay Packers and Minnesota Vikings jerseys. In order to show NFL jerseys, clients have to spend a lot of money to obtain licensing. Now, I'm not saying that Avid Life didn't spend a fortune to use those jerseys. But I will say that they definitely didn't send me any releases.

Furthermore, I've seen better-looking video produced with an iPhone. Avid Life claimed they spent $100,000 to make this ad. Noel Biderman? If you're reading this, please shoot me an email. I have a VHS camcorder. I'd gladly produce your next ad, and I'd only charge you $50k!

In the end, Avid Life Media got what they wanted. They got a lot of free publicity at CBS's and my expense. Having my name out there in a way that I couldn't control—and also in a way that didn't accurately reflect my own beliefs—sucked. At a time when life, for me, already really sucked. I also wasn't allowed to talk to the press at the time, no matter who called, and that really, really sucked.

I believe in karma, guys. I don't think it always works the way we'd want it to. And I also don't think we're punished for every mistake we make. But I do think that if you build your life on exploiting and hurting people, you will see the result of your actions.

Avid Life Media is a gross company that encourages people's grossest behavior and follows gross business practices. Ashley Madison? CougarLife? These sites aren't there to help people. Ashley Madison's motto is: Life is too short. Have an Affair.

Hey, Noel Biderman. Life is short. My dad taught me that the hard way. Here's a better motto: Life is too short. Don't be a dick.

Sousaphonist Matt Buck trolled a South Carolina KKK rally using his very specific set of skills.

On Saturday, July 18, a group of Ku Klux Klansmen and neo-Nazis (AKA Nazi poseurs) rallied at the South Carolina State House in support of the Confederate flag. Their message was that the flag is a symbol of heritage, not hate – although their position was undermined somewhat by the fact that they're a hate group.

Matt Buck decided that the KKK needed some tunes for their march, and he had just the thing: a sousaphone. He gave them the full oom-pah treatment, which should have come as a treat, considering how much they love German culture. His version of Wagner's "Ride of the Valkyries" is particularly inspired. The whole thing was caught on video and has gone viral for obvious reasons. Who doesn't love to see skinheads waddling in time to a tuba?

The brand will be marketed toward nightmares who want to dress like daydreams.

A photo posted by Taylor Swift (@taylorswift) on Dec 1, 2014 at 2:37pm PST

Taylor Swift is launching a clothing line, just like we've been scrolling through her Instagram and dreaming about. According to CNN Money, the clothing will only be available on JD.com, a Chinese website. But what about the USA? You know, that country from the flags on Taylor Swift's July 4th party towels?

Swift will be putting her name on dresses, sweatshirts, and tops. And probably a lot of outfits with this silhouette:

A photo posted by Taylor Swift (@taylorswift) on Dec 7, 2014 at 3:43pm PST

A photo posted by Taylor Swift (@taylorswift) on Jul 13, 2015 at 11:04pm PDT

A photo posted by Taylor Swift (@taylorswift) on Jul 8, 2015 at 4:52pm PDT

Is America still a superpower?

Imagine a world where epic water balloon fights are only a minute away. It's up to you to decide if that's a dream or a nightmare.

Bunch O Balloons is a truly ingenious invention. The brainchild of Josh Malone, it's really pretty simple: a plug connects to a water tap, which fills a number of water balloons all at once. When the balloons are full enough, they dislodge easily from the contraption, automatically tied and ready to be hurled at your dad while he's trying to grill.

Now that Bunch O Balloons exists, there's no question it will permanently change the way the world wages balloon warfare. But will that change be for good or evil? I'm reminded of this quote from J. Robert Oppenheimer, one of the inventors of the atomic bomb, describing the moment after the first successful test:

We knew the world would not be the same. A few people laughed, a few people cried, most people were silent. I remembered the line from the Hindu scripture, the Bhagavad-Gita. Vishnu is trying to persuade the Prince that he should do his duty and to impress him takes on his multi-armed form and says, "Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds." I suppose we all thought that one way or another.

I wonder if Josh Malone thought anything like that. His invention, while freeing kids from the time-consuming need to tediously fill and tie water balloons one by one, has simultaneously doomed the world to devastating water wars on a scale never before seen. Can he live knowing he's responsible for all those wet little faces and soaked t-shirts? I'm not sure I could.

They're too young. They have no idea what horrors await them.
(via Bunch O Balloons)

There's also the issue of proliferation. Every barbecue and rogue state on the planet is going to want to arm itself with Bunch O Balloons, leading to a strong possibility of mutually assured dampness. The demand is already high – Malone's Kickstarter funded the project in only 12 hours, and the first prototypes are already being shipped to donors.

Would you buy Bunch O Balloons for your kids? Would that make you a monster? Leave that one to the history books. Until then, cry "havoc!" and let slip the soggy bags of war.

A new study suggests that men who are bad at gaming are far more likely to lash out against women in games. Huh.

In other news, the sun is very hot on the surface.(via PLOS One)

The furor of #Gamergate, a cesspool of Internet gaming trolls who have been harassing women online in the name of "integrity in gaming journalism" has died down somewhat in the media. That doesn't mean Internet harassment has died down, by any means. As long as people can hide behind muscular avatars, there will be men hunting and harassing women, especially in a pastime with a huge gender disparity like gaming.

One funny thing about this ugliness has been discovered in a study conducted by Michael Kasumovic and Jeffrey Kuznekoff, researchers at the University of New South Wales and Miami University. It's entitled, "Insights into Sexism: Male Status and Performance Moderates Female-Directed Hostile and Amicable Behavior." Blah, blah, tell it to me in English, doc!

"We hypothesized that female-initiated disruption of a male hierarchy incites hostile behavior from poor performing males who stand to lose the most status. To test this hypothesis, we used an online first-person shooter video game [Editor: Halo 3!!!] ... We show that lower-skilled players were more hostile towards a female-voiced teammate, especially when performing poorly. In contrast, lower-skilled players behaved submissively towards a male-voiced player in the identical scenario.

"This difference in gender-directed behavior became more extreme with poorer focal-player performance. We suggest that low-status males increase female-directed hostility to minimize the loss of status as a consequence of hierarchical reconfiguration resulting from the entrance of a woman into the competitive arena. Higher-skilled players, in contrast, were more positive towards a female relative to a male teammate. As higher-skilled players have less to fear from hierarchical reorganization, we argue that these males behave more positively in an attempt to support and garner a female player's attention."

TL;DR When women join a competitive game, the "normal" hierarchy is being disrupted, with guys who have always been sh*tty at video games looking even shittier as skilled ladies surpass them. Guys who are already at the top don't care, because they keep being great and their status stays pretty much the same. In fact, they see it as beneficial to themselves to be supportive (you may have heard this described at "White Knighting," but the better terminology would be "not being an asshole"). The lousy male players act like the bad-tempered primates they are, and start slinging poop (death threats). But only at the women. Of course.

Well, ladies, what you already knew is scientifically confirmed: when a guy calls you a whore online, it's because he's a total loser.

A man in greater Glasgow, Scotland ran afoul of the law by invading a family's home. Well, only part of him invaded it.

The postman always rings twice. This guy was no postman.(stock photo)

We've all done things we regret while drunk, and many of those things involved penises. This guy, on the other hand, took it to a whole other level.

45-year-old Mariusz Wojcik was drinking heavily in Paisley, Scotland when he stumbled up to the house of a family he didn't know. He started kicking the door and shouting at the inhabitants, and nobody knows why. Even he doesn't, because he had blacked out.

Inside the house, a mother cowered in fear with her young daughter and niece. She called the police and her boyfriend for help. Her boyfriend got there first. He was able to get past Wojcik and into the house using his super-fast sober reflexes. Once inside, he barricaded the door, but Wojcik had one last trick up his sleeve. Or, more accurately, in his pants.

At that moment, the people in the house saw the mail slot open, and Wojcik's penis come through. That's right, he pulled the "special delivery."

He must not have read the sign.(stock photo)

At court, Wojcik admitted to behaving in an abusive manner, and pleaded guilty to resisting arrest and obstructing police. Through his lawyer, he said that he didn't remember the incident, but felt "deeply ashamed of his conduct." Sheriff Seith Ireland told him he narrowly avoided going to prison, adding, "Those inside this flat must have been terrified. This was quite atrocious conduct."

Wojcik was sentenced to 200 hours of community service, and will be supervised by social workers for a year. I'm not sure how much of a punishment that is. It seems like he likes interacting with the community, and he definitely enjoys being supervised. That's his thing.

Pet-crastination is a serious issue.

Wouldn't your dog die if they actually ate your homework? (via Imgur)

Pets are masters of comic timing. They're so good, in fact, that I can't help but think they're self-aware. You'll start working on something, and the second you're in the zone, they always find a way to interrupt you in the cutest way possible. You want to get angry, but they're so damn adorable that you can't. Here's a tribute to all the great pet interruptions we could find on the Internet.

1) This cat gives zero fucks about interrupting his owner's self-produced Lego advertisement.

Sidenote: I Internet-stalked the guy from the video, and now he's my new hero:

[Sam] teaches courses in Public Speaking, Interpersonal Communication, Business Communication, and Rock & Roll History, and he earned an Outstanding Professor of the Year Award from NKU in April, 2011. Sam lives in Burlington, KY with his wife, 2 kids, and cats, and he enjoys playing volleyball, cheering for the Reds, and building with Legos.

2) Pulling an all-nighter is tough.

"Someone slip an Adderall into my pellets." (via Imgur)

3) You want to exercise when it's snowing? Think again.

"I'm taking a stand. Get on that couch and use the weather as an excuse to act like a slob, you know, like a normal person." (via Imgur)

4) Check out this brand new pencil holder.

This pup is holding your homework hostage. The ransom? 100 belly rubs. (via Imgur)

5) Music doesn't come from the page. It comes from your heart, and out of your beak.

"I'm a B-flat parakeet. You know I can't sing F-sharp minor! " (via Imgur)

6) This dog really wants your attention.

"Don't make me shit on your laptop." (via Imgur)

7) Who says a hedgehog can't be versed in classical antiquity?

"The treatment of hedgehogs in 7th-century Greece is just disgusting." (via Imgur)

8) You are actually the one distracting this dog.

"Not now, honey, I have work to do." (via Imgur)

9) This cat found the comfiest bed in the whole house.

Those eyes scream, "I dare you to try and lean forward."(via Imgur)

10) A squirrel driver is better than a GPS.

"Turn left, and then right, and then drive up that tree." (via Imgur)

11) This lil' pup literally ate your homework.

This dog is a walking stereotype. (via Imgur)

12) A Ti-83 makes the perfect duck bed.

You can use it to calculate the bill. (via Imgur)

13) This cat has laid claim to the sports section.

This Sunday's paper features an interactive exposé on cats. (via Imgur)

14) This dog wants to protect his master from the dangers of screen-induced eye strain.

"It's important to take breaks from work. Here, let me help you out with my crotch."
(via reddit)

15) Someone watched Air Bud one too many times.

Judd Apatow performed stand-up last night for the first time since he stopped at age 24.

Apatow's Tonight Show stand-up debut probably felt really scary now that he is extremely successful as a comedy filmmaker. Like, what if he wasn't funny? I'm just trying to reiterate what he was probably repeating to himself in the darkest depths of his mind. Is that helpful, Judd? Anyway, it doesn't surprise me that he is funny at stand-up. What does surprise me is how many voices he went for. He did an impression of Johnny Depp's kid, himself as a troll, and yes, Bill Cosby.

Jack Gleeson has commanded the land's finest bards and acting troupes to perform "The Bear And The Maiden Fair." Oh, I'm sorry, I read that wrong. Silly me. His play has a much more sensible name.

Our new art design for Bears In Space, designed by Jody Barker-Rockett. Coming to @projectarts and @FollowTheCow soon pic.twitter.com/AO4oEScbuq
— Collapsing Horse (@CollapsingHorse) June 16, 2014

Yes, that's right, Jack Gleeson, everyone's favorite (spoiler) dead psychotic boy monarch born of an incestuous union has started his own theater company after "retiring" from Hollywood and the success of Game of Thrones. The Irish theater company, Collapsing Horse, is launching its first play, Bears In Space. Here's the show's terrific description from the website of the theater playing it, the Soho theater in London:

The show centres around two cosmonaut bears on a spaceship hurtling toward the impossibly distant limits of the universe, and the villainous beings who chase them. Through their renowned puppetry, comic skills and music, one of Ireland's most exciting theatre companies, Collapsing Horse, consider the perils and wonders of a journey across space and time to nowhere. Join them on their ethereal adventure!

In other words, it's about (presumably Soviet) bears in space.

I was already on board before I knew there were puppets. Two tickets to London, please. (via Soho House)

On a related note, here is Gleeson and his Collapsing Horse buddies making some music for perhaps no reason, or perhaps a reason related to the show:

On an unrelated note, the idea of a bunch of Soviet bears in space is also good enough reason for me to post my favorite YouTube clip of all time, Tim Curry cracking up as he tries to say his lines from Red Alert 3:

Just because you're willing to go to extremes to not interact with someone doesn't mean you don't want it to seem natural.

If you're caught trying to avoid someone, it can cause conflict and hurt feelings. But what if you could make it appear effortless? No harm, no foul, right? Whatever your reason, here are some tips for avoiding people without making it seem like you're avoiding them.

1. Wear headphones.

You're listening to a podcast right now, so obviously you can't hear whoever-it-is that's looking at you.

2. Laugh.

At what? Doesn't matter. Just do it. Laughter is a dominating force. Maybe you just heard a joke or maybe you're suddenly on a phone call with someone hilarious (helpful to already have headphones on, see #1).

3. Pretend you have a pebble in your shoe.

You have to focus your attention on that pesky pebble near your foot, rather than that person's face...who is definitely looking at your face.

4. Make new friends.

Talk to a stranger. Tell them you love their earrings, ask them about their dreams, whatever. This conversation is your life now.

5. Put on a hat.

A big one.

6. Get lost in a good street sign.

Oops, looks like you were about to make a head-on collision with the person you're avoiding. Take note of a random sign and set off in the complete opposite direction.

7. Act like you forgot to wear your glasses.

You can't really see anyone's face right now, because you don't have your glasses on. That's why you're squinting (note: work on squinting).

8. Stuff your face.

Preferably with something gross and messy. Everyone is less approachable when they're eating a smelly meatball on the subway.

9. Give 'em a high five.

If face-to-face confrontation is inevitable, create a surprising diversion with a super weird, disarming, good-old-fashioned high-five. Let their pause of confusion be your moment to get away ASAP.

Movies are a great way for humans to see some of our greatest fantasies played out in "real" life. And bad special effects are a great way to turn those grand human fantasies into absolute turd-burgers.

An example turd-burger, from RoboCop. (via YouTube)

For as long as there have been humans, there have been humans trying to cut corners. And biting off more than they can chew. And basically doing a whole bunch of things that result in crappy work being put out into the world. But perhaps no area of crapitude is so wonderful-yet-offensive as bad special effects in films. Even bad special effects cost a lot of money and require a lot of approvals from high-powered people, and still, they show up in your local movie theater (or on Netflix if they really turded the bed).

This new video from World Wide Interweb points out some of the most egregious bad-special-effects offenders. The video's an equal-opportunity pointer-outer, and the clips run the gamut from practical effects to green screen disasters to once again reminding George Lucas that it was a really, really bad idea to put a CG Jabba the Hutt in the Star Wars special edition.

"Where'd you get this guy?"

This footage of Robin Williams is from the early 1980's when YouTube poster Daniel Pastel claims he was working at a production company that was editing a segment for director Howard Storm. The segment was intended to be used as a promotional reel for Storm's work as a commercial director and, ironically, he could not control a very frenetic and improvisational Robin Williams.

You can hear Storm's desperate attempt to get Williams to deliver one clean take of the single line requested of him. "Ladies and gentlemen, Howard Storm is now directing commercials..." is the farthest we get before Williams' imagination runs wild.

"If he can work with me, he can work with anyone. Take a chance on a nice short Jewish man," Williams says in the clip.

"I'm proud to say it, Howard, because I love you that much."

April 8th, 2015:

Humans and shark are at peace. Belly rubs are plentiful.

If you haven't been keeping up with summer shark fear, or if you checked out after Shark Week, this timeline should catch you up on how we went from gently loving sharks to creatively endangering our lives in an effort to avoid them.

April 15th, 2015:

A shark does a backyard drive-by, testing the waters. Is this a warning or an invitation?

June 4th, 2015:

Sharknado 3 teaser released; tensions noticeably increase.

June 30th, 2015:

Video of an 11.5' Great White attacking a cage is released. Humans remember sharks are f-ing terrifying.

July 2nd, 2015:

A clear warning is issued by this wise woman. The ocean is the shark's house. Do not go in the shark's house.

July 6th, 2015:

In a moment of tone-deaf levity, a shark photobombs another shark.

July 9th, 2015:

MUTANT VOLCANO SHARKS DISCOVERED. NATION TREMBLES.

July 19th, 2015:

Surfer is attacked by bold shark on live TV, who resorts to punching the enemy right in the face. This hand-to-fin skirmish ends with man on top, shark underwater.

July 20th, 2015:

Brian Kilmeade of Fox and Friends suggests what any American would; that sharks get the hell out of our oceans.

July 21st, 2015:

Humans resort to swimming in homemade shark-proof cages...for their own safety.

We're halfway through summer. Peak hysteria has been reached. The sharks have won.

Here's the trailer for the newest Pixar film, 'The Good Dinosaur.'

When a good, cute dinosaur meets a small, adorable baby, they're both in for an adventure of a lifetime they'll never forget. Please note the background song by Of Monsters and Men and consider that this movie is cool and interesting for adults, too.

That's my plot summary for this movie based on only having seen the trailer. And I have to say, I'm in! The movie comes out on Thanksgiving, so maybe I'll go with my whole family and people of all ages will have a wonderful time for different reasons. You got me, Pixar. But I'm definitely not going to tag someone who changed my life with the hashtag #GoodDino, as the YouTube description suggests I do. That's where I draw the line.

Their new PR head is a hip twenty-something Salafi jihadist with a knack for social media.

Can we even count this as a victory? (via Getty)

Multiple Arabic language news outlets are reporting that ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has issued an order for all ISIS affiliates to tone down their beheading videos. According to the International Business Times:

Baghdadi has ordered ISIS militants to only show the initial slitting of the prisoner's throat and the final scene of the victim's head placed on the body, the Al-Quds al-Arabi daily has reported.

He's asking them to show the beheadings without the "beheading" beheading part, for fear that "Muslims [...] may regard the scenes as disgusting and scary to children."

I like how he says people may regard the beheadings as disgusting or scary, as if he's a college administrator worried that a campus comedy group's latest sketch might be interpreted as offensive. Also, is anyone on the fence about ISIS? Is anyone like, "You know, I used to be turned off by ISIS, but they started implying the beheadings instead of showing them, so now I'm totally on board!"?

As with all ISIS-related news, it's unclear exactly how authentic the report is, and it's being met with mixed reactions from different factions within the organization. Some see it as welcome sensitivity, while others think it will harm ISIS's abilities to intimidate Westerners. Let's just say that if this is an argument you're having, you're probably not a safe person to be around.