An enraged white jogger informed a white couple who bumped him with their stroller that he "settled" Brooklyn for them, and then accused them of "white privilege." He also threatened to kill the other guy in front of a policeman. A black policeman, who was probably trying not to laugh as he half-heartedly attempted to move the feisty little gentrification pioneer along. It really doesn't get any better than this.

The only reason white people like you are living here is because I settled this f##king neighborhood for you!

To further prove that he suffers from small angry man syndrome, he set the record straight on his occupation:

You're messing with the wrong guy! I fight for a living!

Guys that fight for a living don't scream it, because they don't need to. His claims of settling Brooklyn for other white people led the citizen who captured this fantastic spat to appropriately title his video "Christopher Columbus of Brooklyn." 

Put aside all of the shitty things you know about Christopher Columbus for a moment, and think of this: how must he have felt, after all those many weeks at sea, when he finally saw land. The pure rush of discovery, of finding something that he thought no one had seen before.

Now, imagine that same rush of discovery, except replace Columbus with the very New England-y Michael Bergin, who recently saw a weird-ass sea creature on a fishing trip (it's actually an ocean sunfish, by the way). Bergin sounds exactly like I imagine Columbus sounded like, except that he has a wicked thick New England accent, says "bro" a bunch, and has "Party and Bullshit" playing in the background. (To be fair, I've never seen any proof that Columbus wasn't playing "Party and Bullshit" when he first saw Murica.) But seriously, I watched all five minutes of this video multiple times, and everything the guy says is fucking classic as he pogos back and forth between "Let's pull up next to that shit bro! Let's help it!" and trying to hook it because "Jay, that is still good meat on that fucking fish!"

Everything this man says is quotable. Here's a follow-up video from after they hooked the thing, and it's just as delightful:

Some very smart people who love numbers over at Bloomberg News did a statistical analysis of the world's billionaires and the countries they live in to ask themselves this pertinent question: could the richest person in a single country ever become a real-life Robin Hood? Or to put it another way, if the richest person distributed all their wealth evenly to everyone in the lowest economic bracket of their country, would it even make a difference?

Here's how they did it:

We took a spattering of 42 countries with radically different demographics and economies, then compared the wealthiest individuals to the percentage of the populations living in poverty. By the way, only in Chile, the Netherlands, France and Australia is the richest person a woman.
The index shows how the net worth of each country’s wealthiest person compares to the livelihood of his fellow countrymen by calculating the lump sum in dollars each person living in poverty would get if the assets of the richest citizen were liquidated and redistributed. The Bloomberg Billionaires Index and the CIA World Factbook were our reference points.

Are any of those three billionaire ladies...available? Anyway, here's what all those words look like in a handy chart:

Obviously, places with the biggest populations get the least money from their one richest person. Cyprus is a pretty small country with only 1.1 million people, whereas India has 1.252 BILLION as of 2013, 30% of whom (more than the population of the US) live in poverty. America, despite having a sizeable population, only has 15% of its residents living in poverty, so Bill Gates's $84 billion goes a lot further.

What exactly are we supposed to take away from this? Perhaps that even if the billionaires gave away all their money, the poor would be pretty much in the same place, so why bother? Hmm. This clearly isn't true in all countries. A one-time $45,987 payout would probably make a big difference to poor Cypriots, and while $59 wouldn't lift hundreds of million Indians out of poverty, it would feel like a brief windfall for some of them. Mukesh D. Ambani could actually afford to take 375,600,000 people out to a very nice dinner including tip, by New York City standards. 

A judge has ruled that the copyright on "Happy Birthday to You" is invalid. You know the song... It goes, like, "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear..." and then you say the name of the person you're singing to, and then you do the repeating line one more time? Have you ever attended a birthday party or experienced a birthday yourself? It's that song. 

You might have noticed that some movies and TV shows find creative ways to avoid showing birthday-celebrating characters sing the tune.

That's because they'd have to pay the copyright owners, Warner/Chappell Music, who according to The Hollywood Reporter have been making $2 million a year on the song. (Nice.)

The judge decided that the "Happy Birthday" actually belongs in the public domain because it's 100 years old now (that's how long a copyright lasts), and it can be featured in movies and TV shows for a cool zero dollars. Now birthday party scenes can finally offer that gritty hyper-realism they've been notably lacking.

Erin Solari of New Orleans, LA took this incredibly sweet video of her grandparents, Howard and Laura, after Laura was admitted to hospice care. After 73 years of marriage, 93-year-old Laura is almost totally blind and suffers from dementia, while 92-year-old Howard is significantly deaf and wheelchair-bound. But their love is as strong as ever, and no infirmity could keep them from sharing a romantic moment the way they always did: by singing together.

In the video's description, Solari writes that when her grandmother was told that her husband was in the room, she asked to hold him. He began singing their favorite song to her: "You'll Never Know," made famous by Rosemary Clooney and Harry James. It was the song that comforted her while he was away fighting in World War II.

Laura joined in a moment later, and heartwarming viral magic was born. Solari's video has over three million view on YouTube, and close to five million on Facebook. People around the world can't resist this adorable couple and their lifelong love. Watch it yourself and just try not to cry.

Are you crying yet? If not, there might be something terribly wrong with you. Or you just might be the type who doesn't cry easily at videos. There's nothing wrong with that. But it's sweet, right? If you disagree with that, there might be something terribly wrong with you.

Here's an extra-heartwarming addendum: since the video went viral, Laura has been released from hospice care and is back home with her family.

Free samples of Nutella started a fight at Costco, and now a 24-year-old man is in custody. It all started when Burbank resident Derrick Gharabighi walked into a Costco, saw that they were letting customers try a new, delicious, possibly-life-altering waffle-and-Nutella snack, and took more than someone deemed his fair share. A 78-year-old man told the other adult eating children's food to act like a grown up and not take so many. That's when witnesses say Gharabighi punched the 78-year-old in the face. 

Now, Gharagighi faces a possible sentence of 11 years in prison, since there's a special law in California about not punching people above the age of 70 in the face. I'm guessing the law was put is place because people are constantly angry at old men that get in the way of our childish indulgences.

The assailant is clearly a monster with a criminal past, but if the samples looked anything like this, I would have punched multiple people to get my hands on more:

I mean, just look at the reaction to this tweet alone from fans! People go crazy around this stuff. 

So before we judge an able-bodied, sugar-addicted, negligent idiot for assaulting an old man, let's remember that Nutella can put you in a "weird place" emotionally. If I can't be judged for putting it on toast in the morning as an adult, then I shouldn't be judged for eating as much as possible in a public space where it's being offered for free. I hope everyone recovers from this situation and can remember the important part of this story: Nutella is great on waffles.

A family in Gôiania, Brazil captured this video of a baby donkey in a hammock sleeping like the little donkey angel he is. His name is Leo, and he is known for loving his "daily hammock time." Fun fact: Baby donkeys are called "foals." I'm gonna keep calling him a baby donkey, though, because it sounds much cuter.

This isn't the first time we've heard from straight-shooting fake candidate "Honest" Gil Fulbright, but his message still resonates: all our political candidates (except, sadly, Donald Trump) are fully-owned subsidiaries of special interests. It's an amazingly well-crafted satire from Represent.Us that almost makes up for how horribly sad and depressing our political process has become:

Check out Gil's previous ad here, or learn about Honest Gil's amazing political history below:

Stephen Colbert took Ted Cruz to task on his commitment to Reaganite principles two night ago. Like many Republicans presidential candidates, Cruz holds Reagan in high regard, and claims to want to emulate elements of his presidency. Colbert points out that Reagan supported amnesty for illegal immigrants and also raised taxes, which Cruz tries to steer around, until Colbert makes him admit that he wouldn't actually support those policies. It then turns into a larger discussion about Reagan, partisanship, and the Constitution. Colbert presses Cruz while managing to keep the conversation fair. Even though he calls Cruz out on not supporting gay marriage, he shuts down audience boos from the crowd for the sake of his guest. I like it. Can't say I don't miss 2006 Colbert, but I like it. 

Brandon Scott Wolf is a stand-up and NBC writer who had some viral success with his website Date Brandon Scott Wolf, the online dating website where he is the only match you're going to get. It's unclear if he's had any romantic success, but Brandon is clearly a man who is full of ideas. His most recent idea is to challenge Floyd "Money" Mayweather to a fight at MGM Grand, because not all ideas are good ones we should devote whole websites to (but that doesn't mean they're not funny). FightBrandonScottWolf.com now exists, and here's its message:

Brandon is a lover, not a fighter, but he wants to see if Mayweather can knock him unconscious as quickly as we all think. A lot of people must want to know too, because his campaign has gone viral. Brandon told SB Nation about his expectations for the match, besides an instantaneous brain hemorrhage:

Wil: What can you bring to the ring that Floyd Mayweather hasn't seen before?

Brandon: Mayweather has no way of scouting me. There's no tape for him to watch, there's no info out there on my fighting style, and aside from the Tale of the Tape on FightBrandonScottWolf.com that lists my height, weight, and my reach on Twitter there's really no way for him to make a game plan. I'm sure that's something he's never had to encounter before.

Wil: If this fight does happen, how will you spend your purse money?

Brandon: I said this in the FightBrandonScottWolf.com Promo Video, but it's important for me to reiterate this: All of the proceeds I make from the match will be donated and evenly split between the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, an organization that wants to create a culture where domestic violence is NOT tolerated, and ProLiteracy, an organization that believes every adult has a right to literacy. Of course, after all of my hospital bills are paid in full.

If you want to pressure Mayweather to come kill this soft comedian, you can go to FightBrandonScottWolf.com and fill out a form that messages the retired boxer, as well as cc'ing Mr. Wolf, presumably with the subject line "RIP Brandon." 

Donald Trump has decided that Fox News has not been playing nice in the political sandbox, and he will therefore will not be appearing on any Fox News shows for the "foreseeable future." He made this decision after criticizing Fox for portraying him in ways Trump felt were unfair, and for not covering political poll numbers that demonstrate his lead in the field of GOP contenders.

He began venting his frustration with Fox on Monday night:

And just for good measure, Trump reminded everyone about his feud with Fox anchor Megyn Kelly:

How can a GOP candidate get press coverage when they won't appear on Fox News? It's simple: they make appearances with Stephen Colbert and Jimmy Fallon.

Shadi Petosky is a successful TV writer and producer from Los Angeles, and also a trans woman. On Monday, she was attempting to make a flight from Orlando to Minneapolis when she ran into some trouble with the Transportation Security Administration. As she stepped through the body scanner, which was calibrated for a woman, an agent noticed what he called an "anomaly" in her scan, and asked her about it. Petosky told him, "That's my penis," and that's when the shit hit the fan.

In the ensuing 40-minute interrogation, Petosky explained that she was a transsexual, but that didn't spare her from a humiliating series of pat-downs, luggage searches, and explosive materials investigations. It's still not clear what the TSA expected to find – she immediately confessed what she had on her, and while penises are explosive, it's not in a way that's dangerous to an aircraft.

By this point, Petosky was in tears. She volunteered to go through the scanner under the male setting, but was refused. She had registered a false positive on the explosive test, which only complicated matters. The agents asked her flat-out whether she was a man or a woman, which she refused to answer. When she asked the agents if they had been trained in handling transgendered passengers, she got the same stubborn reply over and over: "I know what I'm doing."

In the end, Petosky missed her flight, and went through every flyer's worst nightmare trying to get on another. She had been tweeting the entire incident as it unfolded, and by then both the TSA and American Airlines Twitter accounts were involved. @AmericanAir kept insisting she had been rebooked, even as she was stuck in the airport with no indication that that was true. Her story went viral in real-time, with strangers coming to her defense and attacking her from all directions. Coupled with misinformation in some news reports (including claims that she had refused the male scan), she found herself at the center of a media firestorm that producing Yo Gabba Gabba! never prepared her for.

As of Wednesday, Petosky is still tweeting about the incident, as are thousands more. Although there's obviously a lot of bad blood around this story, maybe it will ultimately help to change some minds about the issues faced by transgendered people. Or maybe people will just have fun yelling about it. Either way, that's a plus. Right?

A couple bought a 65-inch LG TV only to see it broken by a fly within the year. Yes, a fly crawled in their fancy flatscreen and died, taking out part of the screen. Worse news: after the fly destroyed the pixels, ruining the picture, the couple brought the item back to the store where they'd purchased it, and were told the warranty didn't cover "acts of God."

The revelation that God can destroy warranties on electronics by sending one of his creatures to their deaths occurred in Leicester, England in a store called Currys (which I'm guessing is the English version of Best Buy, except instead of a Geek Squad, they have a squad of actual geeks who are paid to sit and think about the semantics of warranties all day). The couple bought the TV less than a year ago for Boxing Day (English Christmas? I have no idea), and spent a whopping £800 pounds ($1200) on the new tube.

Currys has since retracted the statement that the fly was an act of God, and claims they will fix the TV. But just because they fixed this small problem, doesn't mean they haven't opened a huge can of worms for enlightened minds everywhere writing up contracts and insurance plans. For what, if anything, is not an act of God? I tremble in fear, knowing all my electronics will one day be destroyed by Father Time if not God first. Amen.

The next season of Serial might focus on Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl, the U.S. soldier who was captured by the Taliban in 2009 after leaving his post for murky reasons.

Serial, a podcast with the popularity of a pizza rat video, investigates one story each season. The first season looked into the case of Adnan Syed, who was convicted of murdering his high school girlfriend. And what sounded like it would be a depressing NPR-type story became a wildly engrossing NPR-type story as people all over the country became obsessed with Adnan's guilt or innocence.

Now, according to Maxim, Serial's host and producer Sarah Koenig has been spotted at a hearing for Sgt. Bergdahl, and the rumors are flying. Bergdahl was a prisoner of war for five years, and it remains unclear whether he originally left his post to call attention to his unit's tumultuous environment or with the intent to desert. There was an extensive Rolling Stone article examining the question, and the story is now being made into a film by the director and screenwriter of Zero Dark Thirty, who was also at the hearing and may be involved in the podcast. 

After murmurings (that's what we call podcast gossip) began earlier today about the potential new Serial topic, reps for the show released a statement asking everyone to lay off:

We'd very much appreciate if fellow journalists would give us some room and not feel the need to attempt to dig into and try to figure out what you think we might be doing, especially since we're actively reporting stories, and having a bunch of wild speculation out there makes our job reporting harder. Doesn't feel very menschy. In any case, here's what I can tell you: The Serial staff is currently working on several things simultaneously: Season 2, Season 3, and some other podcast projects. For now we're not talking publicly about anything that we're working on.

Well, it seems like in writing this post I didn't really do that. Oh god, do you think Sarah Koenig hates me now?

The heat has finally died down over the massive scandal of 19 Kids and Counting star Josh Duggar being revealed as an adulterous user of Ashley Madison. Considering that Duggar was a leading voice for conservative Christian family values, the hypocrisy of his cheating turned out to be an even bigger story than when it turned out he molested his sisters. How do you figure that?

But all these controversies may evaporate from your memory when you read this story. A Duggar family still reeling from those media frenzies has stepped right back into it with a video posted to their official Facebook page. The multitudinous Duggars took advantage of a promotion held by Krispy Kreme for National Talk Like a Pirate Day. For one day only, anyone who walked into a Krispy Kreme and said something piratey like "arr matey," "shiver me timbers," or "I'm the captain now" would get a free donut. Anyone dressed like a pirate would get a free dozen. It was a good-natured promotion by the donut chain, but the one thing they never expected was to be overrun by hungry Duggars.

In total, fourteen Duggars in full pirate gear descended on the hapless Krispy Kreme location. The poor employees must have thought their store was being hijacked. The ravenous TV Christians walked off with 168 donuts in total. They shared one dozen with a homeless couple, and stored the remaining 156 in their doomsday bunker or whatever.

People on social media, always quick to hate on the Duggars, were relentless in condemning this blatant act of pastry piracy. Although whichever mor Duggar is on social media duty today deleted the comments as they appeared, Facebook user Linda Sheppard compiled a number of gems for posterity:

Just because you "can" get something for free, doesn't mean you should! Too bad that wasn't in the homeschool wisdom booklets. Do you realize that you not only cannot possibly eat that many donuts, but it is greedy to take more than you need?! And perhaps you are taking food out of mouths that truly could use it? I'm beyond disgusted by your selfish, pirating, plundering, pandering ways.

–Susan Panther

All of you needed a free dozen doughnuts? That seems a little selfish. Hopefully you didn't clear the place out, I'm sure others would have liked to have some. 

–Ashley LeClaire

Abusing the system AGAIN! You are hogs! GLUTTONY is a SIN, god dam it! You will spoil this for everyone else. 

–Wanda Fisher

Harsh words all around.

Starting this season, the Minnesota Vikings will be the first NFL team offering lactation pods in its stadium. They are called "Mamavas," which I assume is short for the mama vacations these pods will provide. In fact, the team isn't just offering the pods in its regular stadium (well, regular-ish stadium — their temporary home stadium is on the University of Minnesota campus); they're also installing the pods in their training facility as well. This is great because, as it turns out, there are mothers everywhere (don't look now, but you might even be one).

Even better, the Vikings aren't trying to discourage women from breastfeeding in public; they just recognize that some women might prefer privacy. In the press release, the Vikings COO Kevin Warren noted:

While we certainly encourage breastfeeding mothers to nurse where they feel comfortable, we have become increasingly aware of the need many moms have for the privacy and comfort that these Mamava lactation suites provide.

This is great news. But it is also hilarious news because we now live in a world where we have sports-logo-branded breastfeeding pods, and that logo is of a Viking. Because when I think of breastfeeding, I think of hairy warriors, sending their dead out to sea on flaming boats. 

Even though Jeopardy! kind of feels like kind of a dated show, DVR and the Internet actually gave it a second life. All the crazy stuff people would say used to disappear into the ether, but now, it can be saved and cherished forever. Here are the best and worst Jeopardy! responses of all time, so you don't have to sit by your TV and wait until something exciting happens (And yes, we know that technically on Jeopardy! you give questions, not answers, but that would be too confusing so we're just going to call them answers).

The best.

1. This guy just calling it like he sees it.

2. This slick SNL reference.

3. This snapper.

4. This kid we all fell in love with some time ago.

5. This 90s pop culture reference (RIP).

6. This incorrect but correct answer.

7. This accidentally sexual answer.

The worst.

1. These n00bs.

2. This Urban Dictionary reference.

3. This egregiously wrong answer.

4. This creepazoid.