"What do you call a middle-aged, sad, grey-haired woman? A teacher."
Sarah Silverman and Stephen Colbert, two of comedy's greatest minds, offered a glimpse into the future of the art form last night. Reading jokes that are so bad they were rejected from the Bad Kids' Jokes Tumblr, which literally has "bad" in its title, they generously lent their professional abilities to jokes that needed all the help they could get. Children are our future.
Post-wisdom tooth surgery videos are a staple of Internet culture. And why shouldn't they be? They allow us to exploit our loved ones at their most vulnerable, and then they become Internet-famous forever. Just look at David After Dentist or that girl who wanted to have sex with Ryan Gosling. They belong to the world now.
This video is sure to go down as a classic too. A Washington teenager named Shelby was being driven home after her surgery, and was reduced to tears because she "thought she'd wake up with bigger boobs." She was laughing throughout, but also crying real tears. And she forgot how to spit. Yeah, this one's good.
If you were on Twitter last night during the #DemDebate, you might have noticed that Martin O'Malley was making a strong impression. While many people were tweeting about how hot he is (while failing to acknowledge the context that he was standing next to a bunch of non-bae dudes, which is the same faulty logic that lead to Hot Debate Guy's ridiculous crushable overestimation during the Republican debate), astute viewers also noticed something else. Martin O'Malley sounds exactly the same as SNL star Will Forte.
For reference, here's O'Malley last night:
And here's Will Forte playing his presidential candidate character, Tim Calhoun:
Could they be twin strangers?
Thanks for reading, and please continue your commitment to political engagement.
Many people know a lot more about Jim Webb today more than they did yesterday, mostly because they hadn't really heard of him until yesterday. Of all the non-Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton candidates, Webb made the most of an impression, particularly because of his answer to one of Anderson Cooper's question, in which he managed to sneak in a story about the time he killed someone.
To the question, "Which enemy that you made during your political career are you most proud of?" Webb answered:
I’d have to say the enemy soldier that threw the grenade that wounded me, but he’s not around right now to talk to...
Oh, snap.
A look into Webb's military background shows that there's more to the story, and it's worthy of a Stephen Spielberg movie. Webb received the Navy Cross medal for his particularly heroic actions during the Vietnam War, and the citation tells the story:
On 10 July 1969, while participating in a company-sized search and destroy operation deep in hostile territory, First Lieutenant Webb's platoon discovered a well-camouflaged bunker complex which appeared to be unoccupied. Deploying his men into defensive positions, First Lieutenant Webb was advancing to the first bunker when three enemy soldiers armed with hand grenades jumped out. Reacting instantly, he grabbed the closest man and, brandishing his .45 caliber pistol at the others, apprehended all three of the soldiers. Accompanied by one of his men, he then approached the second bunker and called for the enemy to surrender. When the hostile soldiers failed to answer him and threw a grenade which detonated dangerously close to him, First Lieutenant Webb detonated a claymore mine in the bunker aperture, accounting for two enemy casualties and disclosing the entrance to a tunnel. Despite the smoke and debris from the explosion and the possibility of enemy soldiers hiding in the tunnel, he then conducted a thorough search which yielded several items of equipment and numerous documents containing valuable intelligence data. Continuing the assault, he approached a third bunker and was preparing to fire into it when the enemy threw another grenade. Observing the grenade land dangerously close to his companion, First Lieutenant Webb simultaneously fired his weapon at the enemy, pushed the Marine away from the grenade, and shielded him from the explosion with his own body. Although sustaining painful fragmentation wounds from the explosion, he managed to throw a grenade into the aperture and completely destroy the remaining bunker. By his courage, aggressive leadership, and selfless devotion to duty, First Lieutenant Webb upheld the highest traditions of the Marine Corps and of the United States Naval Service.
That's a very powerful story, but no word yet on whether Donald Trump agrees that he's a war hero.
Actress Hayden Panettiere's rep just told E Online that she is voluntarily seeking professional help for her postpartum depression and entering a treatment facility. She's been pretty open about the condition, speaking in interviews about the wide range of experiences new mothers with postpartum depression have, and how it has been misunderstood.
Here she is on Live with Kelly & Michael at the end of September:
She says:
"It's something a lot of women experience. When [you are told] about postpartum depression you think it's 'I feel negative feelings towards my child; I want to injure or hurt my child.' I've never, ever had those feelings. Some women do. But you don't realize how broad of a spectrum you can really experience that on. It's something that needs to be talked about. Women need to know that they're not alone, and that it does heal."
Panettiere and husband Wladimir Klitschko had their daughter, Kaya, in December 2014. Interestingly, her character on Nashville is also a new mother with postpartum depression, because television imitates life. It's great that Panettiere is getting the help she needs so she can get back to being herself with the family she loves.
Actor Chris Hemsworth has joined Instagram (welcome to 2011, Thor) and he made an inadvisable choice for his first photo. He could have just gone with a classic selfie of himself looking hot, or a picture of him and his probable pet dog, or a behind-the-scenes set photo with probable co-star Jessica Chastain, or a blurry image along with a corny joke about not understanding how to use technology, or even a plate of tacos. There are plenty of classic options for this kind of thing. But no. Instead, he went with a monster. (It's a snake.)
No thank you! I want to see what your fancy house looks like, not what horrifying reptiles you've encountered lately.
Last night was the first Democratic debate, and it was a surprisingly substantial exploration of the issues. But if you don't have the time or inclination to hear the definition of Democratic Socialism 100 times, and just want some quotable quotes and eye candy, here are the best GIFs from the event:
There are a lot of trends for hair these days that we look at pretty skeptically, but Galaxy Hair is legit beautiful. And like all beautiful things (besides nature, blech) it's a lot of work! If you think maintaining one color in your hair is a challenge, try looking like the constantly swirling rainbow that is the cosmos. That's a lot of evenings in the bathroom or a lot of cash at the salon. But we're glad some people got the money and want to spend the time, because these styles are giving us #HairGoals:
Yes, unsurprisingly, these colors fade pretty fast, much like starlight at the coming of the dawn. Ah, to live, however briefly, as a star! Or a melting ice pop, whatever.
Not to sound like a curmudgeonly old sitcom grandpa over here, but these damn kids today don't get excited about much! If you want them to look up from their phones, you've got to show them something completely insane. You know, like a yo-yo.
When this school kid unleashes his sick routine on the diabolo (a juggling toy descended from the Chinese yo-yo) his classmates truly go nuts. They act like they just found out school is canceled forever due to hot pizza raining from the sky.
Like every great entertainer, the diabolo-master takes the mania in stride. You can tell from the serious look on his face that he knows this is his moment. All those months practicing alone in his basement have lead him here, to his destiny. He's not even phased when the security guard steps in, thinking there's a fight about to break out. Nope, the only thing about to break out here is this kid's career (and everyone's skin.)
There were two questions on everyone's mind during last night's debate: "Who's Lincoln Chafee?" and "What kind of crazy tweets will Donald Trump come up with?" We still can't answer the first question, but the second was definitively answered after last night's event. To begin with, Trump kicked off the evening with an "honest" statement of his intentions.
Did he hold true to his word? Let's find out. Here are his best tweets, grouped into a few essential Trump categories (Note: Most of these are retweets, since, you know, everyone only had positive things to say about Trump last night.)
Newlyweds Carly Baker and Chris Fee were all set to go on their dream honeymoon in Italy and Greece, when bureaucracy struck. At Philadelphia International, they were stopped by a representative of U.S. Airways, who told Baker her passport was too worn, and she couldn't fly with it. But Baker had traveled on it without a problem just 13 months before.
Carly looked for a second opinion immediately, and spoke with the rep's co-worker, who took the passport and snipped off some dragging strings on it, then said that it should be fine. But when they went to check on Carly's status, the original rep had already made a note in Baker’s travel file saying she could not fly. According to Carly, the second employee tried to get their boss to override the note, but the boss didn't want to step on any managerial toes.
American Airlines, which owns U.S. Airways, is, of course, not backing down on the many different decisions of their staff:
Spokesperson Leslie Scott said that she has seen photos of Baker’s passport, and it looked like it had pages peeling off and that it had “water damage.” Additionally, she said it appeared the damage has been done to the “bio” page of the passport, which is crucial for travel.
“We can’t let people travel with damaged government documents,” she said.
She added that she would not want to approve a traveler’s passport only to have them be banned from entering a foreign country.
That seems reasonable, if it didn't appear that what is considered "damage" is highly subjective. Just ask any therapist. Carly has since applied and paid for a new passport, and the couple is flying out late for their trip, but the delay led to lots of re-booking and cancelation fees, which have cost them about $2,000. It seems like they mostly want to get the message out that anyone planning a really expensive, once in a lifetime trip better check that their passport is f*cking pristine. Also that they hate American Airlines:
The couple said they will never fly American again, and have been taught a tough lesson about the airline business.
“It was made extremely clear to us that they are in the business of making money, and not making people happy,” she said.
Burn.
Bradley Cooper has come out in full support of Jennifer Lawrence and her recent essay on her experience with gender pay inequality. Cooper was asked about the essay, which recently appeared in Lena Dunham's new email newsletter Lenny Letter, during an interview alongside Sienna Miller. Lawrence wrote it after learning from the Sony email hack that she earned less than her male co-stars in the movie American Hustle:
It’s hard for me to speak about my experience as a working woman because I can safely say my problems aren’t exactly relatable. When the Sony hack happened and I found out how much less I was being paid than the lucky people with dicks, I didn’t get mad at Sony. I got mad at myself. I failed as a negotiator because I gave up early. I didn’t want to keep fighting over millions of dollars that, frankly, due to two franchises, I don’t need. (I told you it wasn’t relatable, don’t hate me).
But if I’m honest with myself, I would be lying if I didn’t say there was an element of wanting to be liked that influenced my decision to close the deal without a real fight. I didn’t want to seem “difficult” or “spoiled.” At the time, that seemed like a fine idea, until I saw the payroll on the Internet and realized every man I was working with definitely didn’t worry about being “difficult” or “spoiled.”
Cooper was asked about her words during the interview because his name came up as an actor that was paid more than Lawrence. Although he had not yet read her essay, he supports Lawrence's assertion that deserving equal pay begins with shifting perceptions and being assertive:
One thing I could say is that's interesting because if you think that you only deserve a certain amount and that's not correct, it's about changing that mindset and sticking up for yourself the way that Sienna did.
Cooper was referencing Miller's decision to walk away from a Broadway role when she learned how much less she was offered than the only other actor in the production, who was male. This should never happen, but until it stops, hopefully Lawrence's essay and public support from both male and female co-stars will shed more light on the problem. Then we won't need lists of cities where women actually make more money than men.
Guys have proven they'll go to great lengths in the pursuit of classing up their Tinder profiles, from gym mirror selfies to photos with rare tigers. But these guys took a cleverer approach and held a photoshoot at Ikea. Nothing says classy like a fully furnished environment, lounging about in a sophisticated salon or drawing studio, even if the stuff still has Ikea price tags on it.
Imgur user Keventure chronicled and commented on the whole experience:
Maybe the men will meet a match who loves Ikea as much as they do, and they can go on a (500) Days of Summer-inspired date (hopefully with a happier ending than the movie).
The American political landscape is constantly evolving, and it's important to know where you stand on issues like Ben Affleck's facial hair. Previously, the actor was understood to have a beard. Now, in a new development, he does not. With changing information constantly becoming available, it's crucial to continually hone your views on important matters and to evaluate all the questions at hand. Why did he do it? Is it for a movie role? Is it more physically comfortable? Is it his version of Reese Witherspoon divorce bangs?
Affleck showed up to a movie premiere last night with the above face. Is this the new normal? Will we ever get used to it? Does it have anything to do with us and/or is it any of our business? What do you think? It might be difficult to face these questions, but it's essential to resist complacency.
Remember how your parents would always tell you to stop wasting your money on junk? Well turns out that's the worst financial advice ever. At least for Randy Guijarro, the man who's $2 junk store purchase turned into a $5 million dollar find: a rare photograph of Billy the Kid.
Back in 2010, Guijarro bought the photo at a store in Fresno, California, and he had no idea one of the people in the picture was William H. Bonney, better known as legendary outlaw Billy the Kid. A rare find indeed, this picture is only the second known photo of him in existence.
Collectibles analysts at Kagins Incorporated said they studied the tintype for over a year, and proved itss authenticity. The picture was taken in New Mexico in 1878, and shows the 19th Century gunman playing croquet, along with the other "Regulators" during the Lincoln County War. Also pictured is Sallie Chisum, who provided first-hand accounts of Bonney's exploits in her journals.
Jeff Aiello, executive director of the documentary Billy the Kid: New Evidence, said it was "the holy grail of not just western photography; it's the holy grail of photography. It is the rarest photograph in the world and it was found in a Fresno junk shop."
Guijarro's $2 purchase is now estimated to be worth $5 million. Wow, really makes a person want to take up hoarding.
Billy the Kid: New Evidence is scheduled to air at 9 p.m. ET Sunday on the National Geographic Channel.
