Fox commentators aren't exactly known for their polite, delicate, or (oh my heavens) politically correct language. But recently, retired Lieutenant Colonel/Fox News analyst Ralph Peters discovered that there is, shockingly, such a thing as too far when it comes to on-air language about the Commander-in-Chief. Specifically, it turns out that calling Obama a "total pussy" is too far, and Fox Business host Stuart Varney put the breaks on Peters's chugging rant-train to tell him that:

The punishment went (gasp) even further than on-air admonishment; Fox gave Peters and another contributor, Stacey Dash, suspensions for foul language they used when criticizing the President:

The good news is that Peters now has something else to yell at his TV about. 

A year ago, someone going by the incredibly exciting online handle of username81706 was going through an RV from the 1970s that their workplace had acquired (the business was unspecified—scrapyard, perhaps, or an ancient-RV rental company?). That's when our hero username found an old safe containing something rattling inside. Knowing how much the Internet loves safes, they grabbed some tools and opened it up with coworkers. "For a second," wrote username, "we thought we had struck gold..."

"...and then we noticed that it was thirty year old chocolate someone put in there to trick whoever came across it." Whoever put the chocolate in there is very possibly not even alive to see this, but it still feels good to know a prank started that long ago finally paid off. 

On the plus side, it made username81706 and crew realize that the RV had been stored out of the sun and was in good condition, because it seems like the chocolate never really melted, "it was just dust." On the negative side, when username first posted this picture a year ago, insult was added to insult when no one really cared. This year, however, it's finally caught on, perhaps because of the beginning of Hanukkah, when gold-wrapped chocolate coins are a popular gift. Unless it was all a lie, and someone just aged chocolate to dust for fake Internet fame. Either way, someone fooled someone using those chocolate coins, which is pretty much what they're for. (Author's note: I was a gullible child.)

Most dudes don't exactly have a reputation for knowing their way around a vagina—and they won't ask for directions! Right, ladies? And then their lack of communication about sex slowly tears their marriages apart until all that's left is two near-strangers sleeping in separate beds in the same house! LOL! 

But seriously, a lot of dudes—and even a lot of women—don't fully understand what's going on with the female reproductive system. And this is especially true for the hymen, which is not (despite what you've been told) some little flesh circle that gets torn away when you have sex for the first time (or just stretch too much). In fact, 52% of sexually active teenage girls have their hymens intact, which is pretty mindblowing if you think about how pointless that makes "checking" a woman's hymen for anything. To learn more about that and other HymenFacts, check out this video from Adam Ruins Everything, where costar Emily Axford pops Adam's smugness bubble and explains how the hymen really works:

Being Santa has to be a tough job: you work the night shift, lift heavy loads, and rely on a bioluminescent caribou to fly through dense clouds. (God forbid the elves whip up a flashlight once in a while instead of manufacturing iPad retinas for one-percenter six-year-olds, #amirite?) He can't even manage to look cool on a hoverboard. So you have to have some sympathy for these real-life bad Santas. There's only so many times a fat man can squeeze down a chimney before he snaps, you know?

1. The Santa who undercut Macy's.

Writes The New York Post:

A bad Santa was bagging cash right and left from kiddies and their parents while panhandling in a prime spot outside Macy’s in Herald Square on Sunday — hitting them up for $5 a pop to take a single photo with him.

The fake fat man held a Christmas choir bell in one hand — and a red knapsack full of cash and clothes in the other — as he asked for “tips’’ and “donations.’’

Santa 101: Never mess with the Macy's Santa. That guy is the real deal.

2. The Santa who resisted going full postal on his local mail carriers, but still robbed them.

Last year, a Santa robbed a post office in Australia and even put the money he took in a red sack. He made his getaway in a cream Jeep, even though this is a guy who literally has a flying reindeer named "Dasher."

3. The Santa who picked a fight with a 3-year-old.

This Santa was fired from his cushy mall gig in Toronto after telling a 3-year-old that his coat made him look like Paul Bunyan and that his favorite hockey team "sucked." That's the Canadian version of a Yo Mama joke. Surprisingly, the Santa didn't parlay this kind of behavior into a campaign for the Toronto mayor's office.

4. The Santa who gave kids deemed unworthy the silent treatment.

Wrote The Daily Dot in 2012:

“[H]e broke all 3 of my girls hearts by brushing them off and not even responding to them when they talked to him! extremely disappointed and bummed,” wrote Kari Henderson.

“I took Bella and her friend,” wrote Trish Moulton. “Santa told her friend she didn't really want what she asked for. The girls are 8 and said Santa was being weird.”

“Very disappointed in Santa this year,” wrote Ka Judice. “He made my 11 year old son cry - basically told him he was being greedy."

 In Santa's defense, the kids probably deserved it.

5. The Santa who told British kids about the Sandy Hook shootings.

From The Oxford Mail:

The 33-year-old mum-of-three and her husband Steven took their children – Ryan, 10, Amy, seven, and Katie, six – to visit Santa on Saturday.

She said her children, who all attend Rush Common School in Abingdon, told Santa they had been good this year.

But she said he replied: “Well there are bad people in the world and bad things happen, like what happened to those children in America.”

The Santa then explained what happened to those kids and topped it off by revealing that he wasn't the real St. Nick. Those kids did a lot of growing up that day.

6. The Santa who groped an elf.

Says The Smoking Gun:

According to a Hanover Police Department report, the elf told officers that “she walked by Santa who was in his chair at which point he reached up and pinched her buttocks.” Jones and the teenager work for a company that describes itself as “providing Santa Photographic services to the mall during the holiday season.

Santa was 62. She was 18. Even for immortal beings, that's pretty gross.

7. The Santa who told a 9-year-old girl that he wasn't real.

Wrote The Chronicle:

She explained: “Sophie went to the grotto with her grandma and when she got to the front of the queue the man dressed as Santa Claus turned round and said, ‘you are old enough now to know that Santa doesn’t exist and that it is people who buy your gifts’

Thankfully, Sophie's mother did the right thing by continuing to lie to her daughter.

8. The Santa who shot up a gas station.

It happened in Detroit, says the local ABC affiliate:

The attendant says it was a crazy scene. He says the argument started outside the store and then they started shoving each other. Then, he says Santa pulled out a gun and started shooting.

Two people were injured in the shooting, which apparently started due to a fight over a woman who probably was not Mrs. Claus.

9. The Santa who hijacked a helicopter.

Says Reuters:

The thief rented the aircraft late Friday from an air taxi service at the Campo Marte airport in Sao Paulo for a Black Friday "surprise," the Sao Paulo state security secretariat said on Saturday.

During the flight, the Santa forced the pilot to fly to a small farm outside of Sao Paulo city, where they were met by a third person, the secretariat said. 

The pilot was tied up and the two perpetrators flew away.

This one's on me. I asked Santa for a Brazilian helicopter this year.

Working the 9 to 5 grind is easy when there are celebrity butts popping up in your feed morning and afternoon, all thanks to heroes like John Stamos. Remember back in the summer when it seemed like there was a new celebrity butt photo everyday? Bieber showed his butt. John Legend showed his butt. Heidi Klum sort of showed her butt. Since then, celebrity butt photos have seriously slowed down, aside from the semi-occasional Kylie Jenner assless chaps spread. But now, John Stamos has posed bottomless for Paper magazine.

The dude is 52 but he seems to be having a renaissance in terms of being hot and showing his body. Remember on his birthday when he shared a pantsless Instagram?

Sharp-eyed viewers will notice that the previous photo incorporated underwear, yet no shirt, whereas the new photo incorporates a shirt, yet no underwear. There are likely 100 dissertations being written on this comparison right now.

Current animal sanctuary worker and formerDaily Show host Jon Stewart returned to his old stomping ground Monday night. It was an exciting surprise, but the reason he came back wasn't—he's raising awareness of the fact that Congress is refusing to renew the 2011 Zadroga Act, which provides healthcare to 9/11 First Responders who contracted cancers and pulmonary diseases from their experiences at Ground Zero. It's truly baffling that the government would let this bill expire, unless their plan all along was to force Jon Stewart to come back to public life so he could fight for it.

Stewart returned to the Daily Show desk, presenting a field correspondent piece of himself in Washington with first responders, going door-to-door in the Senate building to shame the heartless jerks who turned their backs on heroes.

Stewart implored the audience to help "end the f*ckery" by telling their representatives to renew the Zadroga Act, and to keep the issue on the forefront with the hashtag #WorstResponders.

Stewart discussed this issue back when he was the host, presenting a panel with four first responders back in 2010. Sadly, only one was able to return to the show Monday night, because the others are either too sick or have passed away.

As Stewart says, "The only conclusion I can draw is that the people who are in Congress are not as good people as the First Responders."

The arrival of Saint West is the miracle of the Christmas season. While every birth is a momentous occasion for that baby's family, Saint's birth is life-changing for the Internet at large. Before the general public found out that the baby was named "Saint," professional prankster Jimmy Kimmel sent one of his minions to the street to tell people Kimye had gone with a number of other names, and get their reaction. Of course, after "North," they were ready to believe anything. Somewhere out there, a person still believes that this baby is named Feivel Goes West.

The BBC tweeted an article about how people are comparing xenophobic-yet-popular GOP presidential candidate Donald Trump to evil imaginary villain Lord Voldemort of the Harry Potter series, maybe because they're tired of comparing him to Hitler. There are a lot of tweets about it:

Voldemort's creator J.K. Rowling must troll Twitter voraciously looking for mentions of her characters because she saw this:

And tweeted this in response:

It was the burn that scorched the Interwebs:

And had a lot of people rushing to Voldemort's defense:

Though there have been some wonderful mashups made:

Scott Weiland's ex-wife, Mary Forsberg Weiland, penned a letter on behalf of her and her children asking that fans do not glorify the tragedy of an addict's death. Scott, the former lead singer of Stone Temple Pilots, was found dead in his tour bus last week at the age of 48. Mary's letter is full of poignant and elegant revelations: that Weiland was mostly absent as a father, and that any time he did have with his children was rare because of his substance abuse and the toll it took on his mind and body. He had so little involvement with his children prior to his passing that she begins by declaring the date of his death is not the actual day he died:

December 3rd, 2015 is not the day Scott Weiland died. It is the official day the public will use to mourn him, and it was the last day he could be propped up in front of a microphone for the financial benefit or enjoyment of others. The outpouring of condolences and prayers offered to our children, Noah and Lucy, has been overwhelming, appreciated and even comforting. But the truth is, like so many other kids, they lost their father years ago. What they truly lost on December 3rd was hope.

We don't want to downplay Scott's amazing talent, presence or his ability to light up any stage with brilliant electricity. So many people have been gracious enough to praise his gift. The music is here to stay. But at some point, someone needs to step up and point out that yes, this will happen again – because as a society we almost encourage it. We read awful show reviews, watch videos of artists falling down, unable to recall their lyrics streaming on a teleprompter just a few feet away. And then we click "add to cart" because what actually belongs in a hospital is now considered art.

Many of these artists have children. Children with tears in their eyes, experiencing panic because their cries go unheard. You might ask, "How were we to know? We read that he loved spending time with his children and that he'd been drug-free for years!" In reality, what you didn't want to acknowledge was a paranoid man who couldn't remember his own lyrics and who was only photographed with his children a handful of times in 15 years of fatherhood. I've always wanted to share more than anyone was comfortable with. When writing a book years ago, it pained me to sometimes gloss over so much grief and struggle, but I did what I thought was best for Noah and Lucy. I knew they would one day see and feel everything that I'd been trying to shield them from, and that they'd eventually be brave enough to say, "That mess was our father. We loved him, but a deep-rooted mix of love and disappointment made up the majority of our relationship with him."

Even after Scott and I split up, I spent countless hours trying to calm his paranoid fits, pushing him into the shower and filling him with coffee, just so that I could drop him into the audience at Noah's talent show, or Lucy's musical. Those short encounters were my attempts at giving the kids a feeling of normalcy with their dad. But anything longer would often turn into something scary and uncomfortable for them. Spending so many years immersed in Scott's multiple illnesses led to my own depression; at one point, I was misdiagnosed as bipolar. I feared the same would happen to the children. There were times that Child Protective Services did not allow him to to be alone with them.

When Scott did move on to another relationship, I hoped it would inspire him to grow. I had often encouraged him to date a "normal" girl, a woman who was also a mother, someone who had the energy that I no longer had to love him. Instead, when he remarried, the children were replaced. They were not invited to his wedding; child support checks often never arrived. Our once sweet Catholic boy refused to watch the kids participate in Christmas Eve plays because he was now an atheist. They have never set foot into his house, and they can't remember the last time they saw him on a Father's Day. I don't share this with you to cast judgment, I do so because you most likely know at least one child in the same shoes. If you do, please acknowledge them and their experience. Offer to accompany them to the father-daughter dance, or teach them to throw a football. Even the bravest girl or boy will refrain from asking for something like that; they may be ashamed, or not want to inconvenience you. Just offer – or even insist if you have to.

This is the final step in our long goodbye to Scott. Even though I felt we had no other choice, maybe we never should have let him go. Or maybe these last few years of separation were his parting gift to us – the only way he could think to soften what he knew would one day crush us deep into our souls. Over the last few years, I could hear his sadness and confusion when he'd call me late into the night, often crying about his inability to separate himself from negative people and bad choices. I won't say he can rest now, or that he's in a better place. He belongs with his children barbecuing in the backyard and waiting for a Notre Dame game to come on. We are angry and sad about this loss, but we are most devastated that he chose to give up.

Noah and Lucy never sought perfection from their dad. They just kept hoping for a little effort. If you're a parent not giving your best effort, all anyone asks is that you try just a little harder and don't give up. Progress, not perfection, is what your children are praying for. Our hope for Scott has died, but there is still hope for others. Let's choose to make this the first time we don't glorify this tragedy with talk of rock and roll and the demons that, by the way, don't have to come with it. Skip the depressing T-shirt with 1967-2015 on it – use the money to take a kid to a ballgame or out for ice cream.

It's fitting that she specifically requests everyone to skip the tropes of a rock star's death: labeling serious substance abuse problems that destroy families as "demons," and printing the years of his life on a t-shirt. Her simple, touching suggestion to spend time with kids is the best advice of all. And it's one that should be taken seriously by all families, regardless of whether they're celebrities or fans.

You hear Channing Tatum and kittens and you think it's all going to be smiles and laughter from here on in. That's where you're wrong. While the video below incorporates both Channing Tatum, your crush, and kittens, one of the smallest and youngest types of cute animals, it's not light-hearted or joyful. It's actually quite dark. Tatum filmed a video for Jimmy Kimmel Live in which he said eight hateful things to a kitten in honor of his new film,The Hateful Eight.

Hopefully the cat got paid a lot for this.

Watch out, Saint West, this baby is coming for your Klout score. On the day she was born, Chanel Nicole Austin—the 11-day-old infant of rapper Ice T and model Coco Austin—became, quite possibly, the youngest person ever with a Twitter account. It was a solid social media strategy for Chanel Nicole, and now she's solidifying her Internet presence even further—with a holiday photoshoot that would make a Mariah Carey Christmas album cover jealous.

"Mom's not the only model in this family," Chanel typed out with her little baby fingers on her Instagram account.

By the way, usually children don't develop even basic fine motor skills until they're seven to 12 months old, so the fact that Chanel was able to type this and post it on Instagram is pretty impressive.

Her mom shared more shots from the Photoshoot, which Chanel was happy to regram.

With all this attention that little Chanel is getting, of course some jealous Internet commenters are saying that Ice T and Coco are exploiting their daughter, even though, as Ice pointed out on Twitter, the family isn't making any money from these publicly shared photos.

Chanel continues to impress — speaking already? She even responded herself:

Baby's first subtweet. We hope Ice and Coco are putting that in the album. 

Over the weekend, Cosmopolitanshared a dating text conversation from a woman named Erin. The reason it's news is that she and the guy agree they're not right for each other and they still manage to have a not-horrible interaction. In the world of online dating, ghosting is the norm, demanding to be repaid for coffee occasionally happens, and in general everyone is treated as disposable if they don't immediately meet your needs as a horny person. This is an example of a decent way to tell someone thanks but no thanks, so here's hoping it isn't completely fake. 

Erin told Cosmo that she wanted to share the texts because "men should see how positive of an impact this type of honesty can have on both parties.​" She's right! Let's believe it's true and keep the hope alive that even if you don't meet Mr. Right, you'll meet an honest, kind Mr. Wrong.

Jay El-Leboudy, a 15-year-old from Canterbury, England, worked at his local Londis convenience store two evenings a week for ten weeks, only to learn that his employers were considering his position an "unpaid internship." It's hard to tell if this was an act of malice or a misunderstanding, though, since both parties are giving different stories. Either way, he better have stolen enough candy bars to make up for it.

Zoe, El-Leboudy's mother, says that she made an arrangement with the store owners in which Jay would "work on trial for a week," and if he did a good job, would start getting paid. The store owner, on the other hand, claims that he told Zoe upfront that Jay would not be able to receive compensation:

I gave her the fact that because he's not got a national insurance number he would not be allowed any sort of payment or anything from me. I need to tell the tax people. When he's 16 he would be allowed payment if there was a vacancy and if things work out … The Facebook criticism against me has been unjustified.

The story is made more dramatic by the fact Jay is family friends with the store owner. Zoe also claims that Jay was working so he could afford to buy his family Christmas presents.

In response to the situation, Zoe started a fundraising page to make up for Jay's lost wages. So far, it has collected £465 (around $700), far surpassing its meager £30 goal. She claims that she is receiving a lot of support from the community, because the store owners have done the same thing to other teens. Here's a PSA about the alleged scam that was recently made by a Canterbury resident:

So who's right? Did the store owners scheme Jay? Or are people getting swept up in a false narrative? And what type of convenience store is Londis? Do they have Slurpees? Do they drink those in England? The world demands answers!

George Redhawk was a professional radiology technician studying medicine, but 12 years ago, he began losing his vision. With his sight deteriorating, RedHawk was forced to give up his career. Because of his distorted vision, Redhawk sees the world in constant motion.

Redhawk suffers from Charles Bonnet Syndrome, which causes people with significant loss of vision to experience constant visual hallucinations as a result of their brain trying to fill in the gaps. Redhawk created these GIFs to reflect what the visual hallucinations are like.

"Rather than submitting to his condition, and even though he's legally blind, Redhawk started to experiment with a photo morphing software, merging identical photos together resulting in unique movement and what he defines as 'The World Through My Eyes,'" he writes in his artist statement.

He said, "Following the loss of most of my vision, I began to explore this medium as a means to express the world through my damaged sight."

Redhawk takes pre-existing images, and animates them to show how they are perceived with his condition. This style of animation is catching on in the art world, and is being called the "Redhawk Effect."

Here are a few of his most moving, interesting images. They prove that GIFs can be used for more than just screengrabs from sitcoms. His portfolio is up on Google Plus.

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If you're going to write body-shaming comments about actress Tia Mowry on Instagram, watch out. And prepare to be gently, directly, and politely corrected on how your behavior is harmful. Instagram commenters have been theorizing, as they do about any female celebrity with a human body, that Mowry is pregnant. She's not. She explained on HuffPost Live:

I am not pregnant, I am just happy. I've gained these extra 10 [or] 15 pounds because of my cooking show. … I'm just enjoying life and when I want to drop the pounds, I will, but right now I'm happy with who I am. But it is a form of body shaming, I will say that, and it's pretty unfortunate. ...We live in a society that is so obsessed with being perfect … why can't we just be us?

You never really see Instagram commenters theorizing that female celebrities are happy.

Mowry went on:

We need to be more supportive with body images, especially with women, showing that all sizes are beautiful. And I'm talking about in magazines, advertisement[s] in regard to what's sexy and what's not sexy. We all need to be a little more supportive of each other. I think if we start there, we'll see a difference.

Explaining that being supportive can lead to positive change? Brutal! Shots fired!

Previously, Mowry had also clarified to her Instagram followers that she's not having a baby: