Before blaming her son Track's domestic violence charges on Obama and PTSD earlier today, Sarah Palin endorsed Donald Trump for President in a baffling speech. At times, it was almost a rap, and at no point was it in standard English. In order to make this important work of political philosophy available to the vast majority of Americans who don't speak Palin, here's a translation of the most important parts of her endorsement rant.
1. Introduction
Thank you so much. It’s so great to be here in Iowa. We’re here just thawing out.
Translation: It's sure nice to come down from Alaska to get some warm weather here in Iowa (pause for laughter because the joke makes sense now).
Todd and I and a couple of our friends here from Alaska, lending our support for the next president of our great United States of America, Donald J. Trump.
Translation: My husband Todd is here, because what else is he going to be doing? (more raucus laughter) Advocating for Alaskan secession? (uproarious, knee-slapping guffaws) Urging my son to seek psychiatric care instead of blaming his violent tendencies on the President? (silence) OK, too soon.
Mr. Trump, you’re right, look back there in the press box. Heads are spinning, media heads are spinning. This is going to be so much fun. Are you ready to make America great again?
Translation: Anyway, I'm here to endorse Donald J. Trump for President, no matter how much the media loves it.
2. Foreign Policy
I’m in it, because just last week, we’re watching our sailors suffer and be humiliated on a world stage at the hands of Iranian captors in violation of international law, because a weak-kneed, capitulator—in-chief has decided America will lead from behind.
Translation: America used to have hostages taken by Iran for hundreds and hundreds of days. Now, when a US warship gets caught near a known high-security Iranian military installation like Farsi Island, its men and women are returned in a single news cycle!
And he, who would negotiate deals, kind of with the skills of a community organizer maybe organizing a neighborhood tea, well, he deciding that, 'No, America would apologize' and as part of the deal, as the enemy sends a message to the rest of the world that they capture and we kowtow and we apologize, and then, we bend over and say, 'Thank you, enemy.'
Translation: Let us never forget that Obama used to help black people protest stuff, and is probably a big ol' traitor. I quit my elected job and got fired from Fox.
We are ready for a change. We are ready and our troops deserve the best. A new commander-in-chief whose track record of success has proven he is the master at the art of the deal. He is one who would know to negotiate.
Translation: We don't need someone who will negotiate with our enemies, we need someone who will negotiatewith our enemies.
3. It's us versus the elites.
Well, Trump, what he’s been able to do, which is really ticking people off, which I’m glad about, he’s going rogue left and right, man.
Translation: Remember Going Rogue? There are still a lot of copies for sale.
That’s why he’s doing so well. He’s been able to tear the veil off this idea of the system. The way that the system really works and please hear me on this. I want you guys to understand more and more how the system, the establishment, works and has gotten us into the troubles that we are in — in America.
Translation: Please hold while I gather my thoughts.
The permanent political class has been doing the bidding of their campaign donor class and that’s why you see that the borders are kept open. For them, for their cheap labor that they want to come in. That’s why they’ve been bloating budgets. It’s for crony capitalists to be able to suck off of them. It’s why we see these lousy trade deals that gut our industry for special interests elsewhere.
Translation: Holy shit, this bit about crony capitalism actually kinda makes sense. That "suck off of them" part was a little weird, but overall, success. Let's move on.
4. Raising The Stakes
And now, some of [the establishment] even whispering, they’re ready to throw in for Hillary over Trump because they can’t afford to see the status quo go. Otherwise, they won’t be able to be slurping off the gravy train that’s been feeding them all these years. They don’t want that to end.
Translation: Some pansy-ass elites are afraid our world will literally come to a mushroom-cloud-shaped end if Donald or I ever get real power.
Well, and then, funny, ha ha, not funny. But now, what they’re doing is wailing, 'well, Trump and his, uh, uh, uh, Trumpeters, they’re not conservative enough.'
Translation: *Loud raspberry noise*
Oh my goodness gracious. What the heck would the establishment know about conservatism? Tell me, is this conservative?
Translation: ARE YOU READY FOR SOME DOGWHISTLES? ("Jock Jams" begins playing at a pitch too high for non-racists to hear.)
GOP majorities handing over a blank check to fund Obamacare and Planned Parenthood and illegal immigration that competes for your jobs and turning safety nets into hammocks.
Translation: Black people and Mexicans and women are avoiding dying of preventable causes on your dime! Welfare is luxurious!
And all these new Democrat voters that are going to be coming on over border as we keep the borders open, and bequeathing our children millions in new debt, and refusing to fight back for our solvency and our sovereignty, even though that’s why we elected them and sent them as a majority to D.C.
Translation: All Democrats are brown, and somehow that's related to a bipartisan tradition of deficit spending (except under Clinton).
Now they’re concerned about this ideological purity? Give me a break! Who are they to say that? Oh, and tell somebody like Phyllis Schlafly. She is the Republican, conservative movement icon and hero and a Trump supporter. Tell her she’s not conservative. How about the rest of us?
Translation: Yeah, Phyllis Schlafly. You remember, the woman who opposed the ERA because men would stop holding doors open? What's the ERA? Surely you remember the Equal Rights Amendment? The long-dead hope of feminism that made the Lilly Ledbetter Act look like a weak half-measure? I'm hip to the Millennials. What's good, Katie Couric?
Right wingin’, bitter, clingin’, proud clingers of our guns, our God and our religions and our Constitution. Tell us that we’re not red enough? Yeah, coming from the establishment. Right.
Translation: Remember when that Ivy League egghead Obama said that thing about clinging to guns and religion seven fucking years ago? The elites are making up lies about our conservative bona fides because they're afraid we'll really have a conservative revolution. You'd think this would mean I support Ted "Government Shutdown" Cruz (I endorsed him in 2012), but I've had some time to get to know him. Now, like everyone else, I fucking hate that guy.
5. Give In To The Dark Side
And now, though, to be lectured that, 'Well, you guys are all sounding kind of angry,' is what we’re hearing from the establishment. Doggone right we’re angry! Justifiably so! Yes!
Translation: The Jedi would have you believe that only calm and reason give you power and access to the Force. The Jedi are liars.
You know, they stomp on our neck and then they tell us, 'Just chill, okay just yeah, just relax.' Well, look, we are mad, and we’ve been had. They need to get used to it.
Translation: Have you ever heard of the tragedy of the Sith Lord, Darth Plagueis?
This election is more than just your basic ABCs: Anybody But Clinton. It’s more than that this go-around.
Translation: He was a Dark Lord so learned, he gained the power to come back from political death by seizing on the news cycle of other lunatics.
When we’re talking about a nation without borders, when we’re talking about bankruptcies in our federal government. Debt that our children and our grandchildren, they’ll never be able to pay off. When we’re talking about no more Reaganesque power that, that, comes from strength. Power through strength.
Translation: Yes, feel the anger course through you. Feel the power surging. Embrace your anger. Together we can rule the galaxy as terrible mother and son.
7. A Word About Foreign Policy
Let me say something really positive about one of those individuals: Rand Paul. I’m going to tell you about that Libertarian streak in him that is healthy because he knows, you only go to war if you’re determined to win the war! And you quit footin’ the bill for these nations who are oil rich. We’re paying for some of their skirmishes that have been going on for centuries.
Translation: I had an old speech where I endorsed Rand Paul and I forgot to finish the "find and replace" in that dang Microsoft Word.
Where they’re fightin’ each other and yellin’ 'Allah Akbar' calling jihad on each other’s heads for ever and ever. Like I’ve said before, let them duke it out and let Allah sort it out. We’ll fight for American interests and as Donald Trump has said, other nations where we have been footin’ the bill, but we haven’t prioritized our own domestic budgets well enough to be able to afford what we’re doing overseas.
Translation: Why don't we do nation-building at home? Wait, that sounded liberal, that can't be right. Let me put some xenophobic stuff in there to even it out.
9. Have You Guys Ever Heard Of Donald Trump?
He’s a multibillionaire. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. But, it’s amazing, he is not elitist at all. Oh, I just hope you all get to know him more and more as a person and a family man.
Translation: As rich as he is, he's willing to joke about dating his own daughter.
What he’s been able to accomplish, with his, um, it’s kind of this quiet generosity. Yeah, maybe his largess, kind of, I don’t know, some would say gets in the way of that quiet generosity, and, uh, well, his compassion, but if you know him as a person and you’ll get to know him more and more, you’ll have even more respect.
Translation: I assume Donald Trump gives a lot to charity, but I didn't check.
Not just for his record of success, and the good intentions for America, but who he is as a person. He’s not an elitist. And yes, as a multibillionaire, we still root him on because he roots us on.
Translation: This man burped in front of me backstage, and I was impressed.
And he has, he’s spent his life with the workin’ man and he tells us, Joe six packs, he said, 'You know, I’ve worked very, very hard and I’ve succeeded. Hugely, I’ve succeeded,' he says.
And he says, 'I want you to succeed, too.'
Translation: That's why I think we should all go in on his timeshare deal together.
And that is refreshing, because, he, as he builds things, he builds big things, things that touch the sky. Big infrastructure that puts other people to work. He has spent his life looking up and respecting the hard hats and the steeltoed boots and the work ethic that you all have within you.
Translation: Have you guys ever heard of Donald Trump?
9. Finally, I will have my revenge.
Now, finally friends, I want you to try to picture this. It's a nice thing to picture. Exactly one year from tomorrow: former President Barack Obama.
He packs up the teleprompters and the selfiesticks and the Greek columns and all that hopey, changey stuff and he heads on back to Chicago, where I’m sure he can find some community there to organize again.
Translation: I have spent seven years asking random liberals and minorities how that "hopey changey thing" is working out for them, and making ever-more-stale teleprompter and community organizer jokes. Now I will finally be able to unclench my jaw and pay attention to my kids, if only I can somehow treat Barack Obama being term-limited out as a victory for myself.