Just before dawn Tuesday morning in Orange County, Virginia, deputies received a harrowing call. Around 50 feet off the shore of a frigid pond, a dog was trapped in ice and slowly freezing. The water was up to his chest. After a deputy assessed the situation and turned back to get assistance, the pup started barking for help.

The Orange County Sheriff's Office described the rescue on their Facebook page:

A ladder was extended onto the ice and Firefighter Aaron Lovell donned an ice rescue suit. Lovell crawled onto the ice and pushed the ladder toward the dog. When the ladder tip reached the hole, Lovell crawled out the ladder toward the dog. As he neared the end of the ladder, the ice cracked and Lovell fell into the water. Fortunately, the water was very shallow and Lovell was able to grab the dog. Lovell helped the dog onto the ladder and firefighter Jeff Leibold and Deputies Broyles and Cutone, pulled Aaron and the dog to shore.

Although the yellow Lab was "soaking wet and violently shivering" after the incident, KUTV reports he's expected to fully recover after receiving emergency treatment.

Kylie Jenner released a three-color lip kit in November that basically sold out before you could blink. The colors are all matte and in various shades you may remember your grandma wearing in photos from the mid-seventies. They might also be described as "edgy."

There's going to be a "Valentine collection" released soon, which will keep makeup loving ladies refreshing their browsers on the holiday instead of being out on a romantic dinner date with their honeys. Two weeks ago, the brand announced a more traditional lip color: Pink. Kylie, you crazy.

Cool picture. But you know what really sells lipstick? Panties. Since Kylie Jenner is a marketing genius, she decided to announce the next shade with this:

Did you get the message? It's RED RED RED, AWOOOGA! She also wore her lips out on the town, after a slight boob adjustment.

We'll see how fast this round goes.

Saima Ahmad is a 20-year-old law student in London who, like most humans, is a major fan of Kit Kats. According to Metro, Ahmad purchased eight Kit Kat bars and then discovered that none of the bars had wafers, aka the hallmark of a Kit Kat. 

Ahmad was so unhappy with her purchase that she sent in a dramatic complaint with a lofty demand to Nestlé, the maker of Kit Kat:

The truth of the matter is; manufacturers owe a duty of care to consumers.

The specific duty you owe in consistency in your manufacturing process. The failure to take due care in the manufacturing process resulted in a product being defective.

As a result I feel as though I have been misled to part with my money and purchase a product that is clearly different from what has been marketed by Nestle.

The loss I have suffered is of monetary and emotional significance.

I would like a full refund of the defective pack of KitKat I purchased. I have also lost my faith in Nestle.

Clearly, if I wanted to purchase a confectionery item that is purely chocolate, I would have purchased a bar of Galaxy.

I would therefore like to request a life-long supply of KitKat so that I can act as a means of quality control – it appears you need me more than I need you.’ 

Ahmad calls this event "an extremely important issue." There are certainly those out there who have been similarly disappointed and would agree:

If Ahmad's complaint is successful, she's more likely to inspire jealousy than support. A lifetime supply of Kit Kats is the definition of "living the dream."

Kanye West announced on Twitter (the very medium on which the beef started) that he and Wiz Khalifa have brokered a peace. Following in the footsteps of their respective wives, who waved the white flag via selfie, Kanye and Wiz have beat their swords into ploughshares.

To Kanye, Wiz and Amber are no longer a pain—or pleasure—in his ass.

Let this be an inspiration to politicians and future generations that a "great convo" can make things "all positive," and therefore peace through diplomacy is attainable. 

As he wrote in an earlier tweet:

Steven Avery's new lawyer, Kathleen Zellner, is clearly excited to represent the star subject of the Netflix documentary Making a Murderer. Just check out her Twitter feed, where she's almost single-handedly keeping the hashtag #MakingAMurderer from fading into the land of already-been-binged television. But among her many retweets and legalese proclamations comes a legitimate web-gem, in the form of a handwritten letter from Steve Avery to all his ardent fans and admirers:

His handwriting's definitely better than Kanye's, but in case you can't make it out, here's what it says:

To my supporters: I want every forensic test possible done because I am innocent. Steven Avery.

At 16 words, Steven Avery has almost given his fans the equivalent of one half of an intro paragraph for one of the 16 articles Someecards has written about him. Seems a little light, considering all those who've spent hours and hours theorizing about ways he might be innocent, but writing was never the man's best subject.

In an interview with Dateline, Zellner, too, pinned hopes on new forensics. "Generally, since 2007, there have been significant advances in forensic testing," she told NBC's Andrea Canning. "Am I going to tell you exactly what it is? I am not. But it's been a long time. There was a lot of evidence that wasn't tested." 

Avery and his nephew, Brendan Dassey, are currently in jail for life for the murder of Teresa Halbach. If you're interested in a really fascinating theory of their innocence, read up on serial killer Edward Wayne Edwards.

Aside from the sports part, the Super Bowl is all about the ads. With this year being Super Bowl 50, companies are going all-out to create memorable spots that will trick people into buying their products. Judging by the response to this Heinz ad, it seems like a lot of people are going to be picking up Heinz condiments in the near future. Or adopting dachshunds. Feast your eyes:

It's emotional and beautiful and has tiny wiener dogs dressed as hot dogs. Everyone loves it.

Basically, this ad should probably be a feature film.

Match.com—which is kind of like Tinder for old, patient people—released their annual study on singles in America, a comprehensive survey of all things affecting the unattached. The survey included a section on politics, which had some titillating results.

According to the study, there's a connection between political engagement and the possibility of getting engaged.

Talking about politics on the first date increases your chances of getting a second date.

The study says that discussing politics increases your likelihood of a second date by a whopping 91%.

It also said that in addition to politics, discussing money and religion is fair game for 80% of singletons.

Plus, 41% of women want their date to know about "the economy," whatever that means.

Politically inclined people have better sex, especially libertarians. ​

"Have a passion for politics? Then it's likely that you're having better sex than other singles!" the study wrote.

Libertarians are said to be "overexcited," and:

• 57% more likely to explore an open relationship.
• 110% more likely to engage in a threesome.
• 80% more likely to drunk dial an ex. 

The study also compared the profiles of Hillary supporters and Trump supporters, and it turns out the people are quite different. 

They also polled to see which politicians people would most like to be with, and women are thirsty for Rubio and Biden.

So, proud citizens of America, you now have extra incentive to go vote, because being politically active might just help you become sexually active (unless you're Donald Trump). 

Commercials for psychic readings enjoy a time-honored tradition of being played in the middle of the night, when people who are bored and/or deliriously tired can decide that after-hours TV isn't quite enough entertainment. Now there's a new psychic hotline commercial for those insomniacs, because Tori Spelling has been named the new spokesperson for the Psychic Source.

Spelling is not simply doing this for the money; she is apparently a connoisseur of psychics:

Hi,
Some of you might know that I LOVE to explore new psychics and consider myself a bit of an expert on them. If there were a Zagat that reviewed psychics, I'd keep it on my bedside table for handy access. It's important to me to know that I'm dealing with the "real deal" when it comes to spiritual advice.

I'm proud to represent Psychic Source because I trust their Advisors. It literally feels like I'm chatting with old friends (but way more private!). When it comes to important life issues, I'm only interested in talking to the best of the best, so I appreciate the rigorous screening process the Psychic Source Advisors have to go through. And to be honest, my readings have been SPOT ON--they never cease to amaze me!

Read more about my readings here and try your own to see why I keep coming back. 
Hope you enjoy my psychic sTORI as much as I love sharing it!

Pretty clever that they use Tori's name in the word "story" to craft the word "sTORI." If they were after celebrities with last names that fit that pattern, it must mean that they couldn't pay John Legend enough money to endorse psychic "LEGENDs." Or maybe they didn't bother making him an offer, because their army of psychics that passed a rigorous screening process already knew he'd decline.

Genius comedian John Cleese has joined the long line of comedians (see also: Jerry Seinfeld, Chris Rock) who think that comedy is being ruined by political correctness, particularly on college campuses. The Monty Python and Fawlty Towers legend says as much to Big Think, one of those bite-sized TED Talk-esque video channels that CEOs watch when they need to drink up corporate-friendly "inspiration"—its Twitter bio includes the words "knowledge economy." Sorry if you wanted a more PC description of it.

"All humor is critical," Cleese argues. "If you start to say, 'We mustn't; we mustn't criticize or offend them,' then humor is gone. With humor goes a sense of proportion. And then, as far as I'm concerned, you're living in 1984." 

Even though some people were pretty mad about Jerry Seinfeld when he said basically the same thing, there hasn't been a ton of pushback on Cleese's comments so far. Probably because A) he's one of the most respected comedians alive and because, and B) as far as things that old white British people have said this year, it's not too bad.

The last year has brought many spectacular Bad Lip Reads, from Star Wars to a GOP debate, and now, Bad Lip Reading has released hilarious voice-overs for the 2016 NFL season. Just in time for the Super Bowl, here are their best (or worst) guesses at what was said on the field during this season's NFL games:

From the looks of the editing, it seems the folks at Bad Lip Reading assumed (like many) it would be the Patriots playing the Panthers in the Super Bowl, as this includes a ton of Tom Brady and Cam Newton, but no Peyton Manning.

That's the first thing you learn from this clip from South Korean game show Infinite Challenge is that Jack Black apparently isn't phased by anything. It's a deceptively simple premise—the comedy star has to try to blow out a candle with a stocking pulled down over his head. What follows is the first part of a multi-segment smorgasbord of insanity. You'll wish game shows were this good in America.

At another point in the talk show, he has to sing Korean pop songs and make someone else guess them in a game you won't be able to understand:

He also had to see how many marshmallows he could stuff in his mouth:

OK, that one idea they stole that idea from every sleep-away camp you ever went to, but it's still fun to watch.

Zachary Crockett over at Priceonomics decided to crunch the data on recent selfie-related deaths, and it's not great—he reported that "since 2014, 49 people have died while attempting to photograph themselves." And, of course, that doesn't count any of the very stupid near-death experiences, like the kid who got kicked in the head by a train conductor while trying to take a selfie. After all, there's a very good reason why they don't call selfies "safies."*

To put that in context, Crockett noted that selfie accidents killed more people (49) than accidents related to Mt. Everest (17 killed), American football (12 killed), or shark attacks (8 killed) in 2015. That said, all of those numbers are pretty small; the estimation of people accidentally killed by erotic asphyxiation in the same time period was 625. Crockett does admit that his numbers are a little fuzzy, though. His chart on Selfies vs. Other Accidental deaths notes "Data via Google News Archives, CDC reports, academic studies; when a 2015 figure was not available, an estimate was made based off of historical data."

Crockett also broke down selfie deaths by age (most victims are 21 or younger), gender (selfie deaths are much more likely to happen to men), and actual cause of death, which you can see in this chart:

You can read all of Crockett's selfie-death data crunching over in his Priceonomics piece. And please, selfie safely. No photo is worth plunging to your death.

*Because that name is dumb.

Climbing the Great Pyramids is not allowed, and it's considered a jerk move to do so—but that didn't stop one German tourist, 18-year-old Andrej Ciesielski, from doing it and creating what one must admit is a pretty neat video. He is one of those kids who likes climbing things and taking pictures from the tops of them, so of course he couldn't resist going to the top of the structure that held the title of "World's Tallest" for thousands of years.

As he wrote, "Walking around in the complex I was waiting for the right moment to start climbing The Great Pyramid of Giza. When I started climbing a street seller was standing behind me but I didn’t care about him I turned around he laughed and I continued climbing." Authorities did arrest the kid upon his return, but released the teen after an hour with no charges.

Although his video is only 2 minutes long, the climb apparently took about 8 minutes and the descent took 20 (don't want to trip and fall down a pyramid, after all). The climb proper starts at about 0:17:

His blog post about his pyramid climb also includes lots of photos of him on top of other buildings in Cairo (either that, or he owns a drone) and his comments on his trip to the turmoil-wracked city, which are very positive and hopeful for Cairo's future.

Related: Apparently, more people accidentally died taking selfies than on Mt. Everest in 2015.

Redditor Kadenmacg's 7-year-old son was given a simple worksheet in school: a piece of paper that says "When I am 100 years old I think I will look like this!" with a spot to draw in underneath. While some kids might use this as an opportunity to draw themselves as active senior citizens, Kadenmacg's kid took a much more realistic approach:

The current average life expectancy for men in the US is only 78.74 years, after all, so this is probably the most accurate answer from any kid in the class. Then again, by the time this kid gets old, human life expectancy will probably be much longer. Either that, or the robots will have taken over and humanity will be on the decline, which means that this picture is still accurate, except that the robots probably won't be nice enough to plant flowers on human graves.

In the course of their work, police see kids get up to a lot of stuff. As evidenced by this Reddit thread, that stuff is sometimes weird. Or so harmless and far from illegal that it's hilarious. As show in these 13 stories, it's often the case that instead of reprimanding anybody, the cops laugh it off and get in on the joke. 

1. Signing and driving don't mix.

 2. They did it for the Insta.

3. Kids do love sparkles.

4. To be fair, that's a suspicious amount of trail mix. 

5. Judging by this thread, cops see a lot of dildos.

6. Live Action Role Playing is criminally fun. 

7. Hopefully this guy's wife didn't find out. 

8. These kids absolutely told their friends about this.

9. How to scare a veteran and cop.  

10. Security guards are judge-y. 

11. Cops were unimpressed with these kids' camo. 

12. Radio scanner was totally worth it.

13 . Cops just want to have fun, too.

If these cop stories teach anything, it's that suspicious kids are often just being super lame.

Coldplay singer Chris Martin hitched a ride with The Late Late Show's& James Corden from LA to San Francisco for the Super Bowl. Martin and Corden got pumped for the big event by rehearsing Coldplay's greatest hits, and even whipped out a keyboard to play an original song about halftime.

Martin did a bit of "Heroes" to pay tribute to David Bowie, proving that there are no hard feelings after Bowie turned down collaborating with Coldplay because he thought they sucked. As Martin himself sings, "Nobody said it was easy."

The Daily Mail reports that a fisherman named Hope McLawrence on the island of Carriacou in the Caribbean hauled in something unexpected in his net last week. A photo of the creature has been circulating on the Interwebs as people gasp, shriek, and wonder aloud, "What the hell is that?"

It kinda resembles a chicken carcass that's been brining in the ocean for a week, but McLawrence insists it had "a perfect human nose immediately above its mouth." There are also wings, a tail, and two feet with toes. Truly horrifying, if there's no explanation.

Oh, wait, there probably is. The creature is most likely a frogfish, a lesser known part of God's plan. Judging from what ended up in the fisherman's net, there's a reason frogfish are supposed to stay on the ocean floor.

Alison Leiby is a comedian and writer who has accomplished the greatest goal of any person in those fields: contributing to Someecards (and some other stuff). She's also a woman, which unfortunately makes her a target online for insults, threats, and harassment from sexist trolls. In December of last year, she tweeted a very funny but simple joke that touched on two incendiary issues: women's rights and gun control.

By her own admission, the joke was an afterthought. Unfortunately, men's rights activists got wind of it, sniffing out the tweet with their uncanny ability to detect women expressing opinions. Soon, Leiby was deluged with hundreds of hate messages across different social media platforms.

Although she is experienced in the cruel realities of the Internet, the experience chilled her. But rather than stay silent, she decided to recount the whole story in an essay on Medium.

Leiby's account of the messages she received is deeply disturbing:

Men were replying to me and taking my joke to a horrific, new place. Some said they wanted to ban me from public places and silence me. Others said they wanted to lock me in their closet when they’re done with me. A few choice gentlemen suggested I, like their gun, have a “rough brush clean my holes.” … One complete stranger even found me on Facebook and sent an unsolicited message saying, “I hope you lose ALL of your rights. Dirty feminist.”

She comments on the phenomenon of trolling in general, using the wittiness that has made her so beloved and loathed:

I’ve never understood the inclination to engage with something I don’t like — on social media or otherwise. That’s the beauty of Twitter. If you don’t agree with someone, you can unfollow them. If something upsets you, you can block it. We all have that luxury. If you don’t like the taste of fish, you wouldn’t go to a restaurant, order the trout, and then call the chef a stupid bitch for serving it to you. So why do people do it on the internet?

Pointing out that her male comedian friends have tweeted similar jokes without even remotely similar responses, she reflects on the struggle of creative women in an increasingly opinion-based media landscape:

Women are taught from an early age to — in all aspects of life — try not to cause a scene. We’re not supposed to garner attention or make waves or do anything that might upset anyone. You know what happens when women don’t want to make a scene? They stop talking. And writing. And performing. And creating.

In the end, Leiby dispenses with any grandiose conclusion, in favor of a more pragmatic message:

My point is for men: Stop doing this. The only thing gained from you saying disgusting, aggressive, sexual, violent, and threatening things on the internet is that we now know that you’re part of the problem.

Head on over to Medium to read the full essay, which is well worth your time. Also, you should follow Alison on Twitter, as long as you're only going to write nice things to her. Or do nothing. Just don't be an asshole.