Valentine's Day
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Cody is a sweet little dog who screams like a demon released from the depths of hell.
Here's a pretty good guess at what goes through the mind of everyone who meets Cody the dog: "Aww, look at this little furball, he looks like he really enjoys cuddles and OH GOD WHY IS IT DOING THAT? What have I done to displease you, O Mighty And Terrible Cody?" Many dogs have a talking warble instead of a bark, but only Cody can use his mouth to give voice to the eldritch gods of twisted, incomprehensible nightmare dimensions. Good boy, Cody.
Related: Let this screaming deer be your anger spirit animal.
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Netflix has paroled the blooper reel for 'Orange Is The New Black' season 3.
Here's the blooper reel for the third season of Orange Is The New Black. There's not too much else to say except that blooper reels are fun and if you like the show, you'll enjoy watching the actors crack up trying to make it, but it does raise an important question: is every Netflix series crime-related? President Underwood on House of Cards isn't in prison, of course, but it's pretty much a nonstop parade of illegal behavior. At least no one has to wonder whether he's innocent. Anyway, without further ado, actors failing to say their lines:
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The 'Aladdin' fan theory to end all fan theories: you'll never look at Jafar the same.
The pop-culture-addicted humorists at Cracked have created 'The Aladdin Fan Theory To End All Fan Theories,' and as much as this site loves a good Aladdin fan theory, this mockery of the whole fan theory genre is perfect. They twist the movie into an elaborate pretzel in order to prove their impossible point that Jafar is secretly the hero of the film, and, if you think about it, it's great. It's great that Jafar is there to fix everything for everyone. It's great.
If you actually enjoy fan theories, though, check these bad boys (who are secretly the hero) out:
A famous fan theory about 'Aladdin' turned out to be true.
A simple explanation of the viral 'Simpsons' theory that Homer's been in a coma since 1993.
Dude! The Coen brothers finally weighed in on the most enduring 'Big Lebowski' fan theory.
Another weirdly dark 'Friends' theory has gone viral, threatening to ruin your binge watching.
'Game of Thrones' fan theories about Jon Snow’s parents are so passé. Have you heard about his twin?
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25 of the funniest tweets about Valentine's Day from comedians in varying relationship statuses.
The fact that it's Valentine's Day is equally true for everyone: the singles, the couples in love, the couples denying they're not in love, the couples where one of them knows it's over but the other hasn't realized it, or people who are in love with people who barely know they exist. Is anyone else crying right now? But it's the MOST Valentine's Day for joke-writers on Twitter, because let's face it: no matter how happily married they are, every one of these comedians trained professionally to be lonely and bitter forever. It just so happens some of them failed at that.
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Related: 17 third wheels who turned loneliness into an art form.
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You made it.
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John Oliver returns just in time to explain the wild hypocrisy of voter ID laws.
Last Week Tonight with John Oliver returned to kick off its third season Sunday night, and to teach you and your Valentine a thing or two about voter identification laws.
As Oliver explains below, states from Wisconsin to South Carolina have created bureaucratic sh*tstorms that prevent people from exercising their constitutional right to vote. Surprise: it disproportionately disenfranchises minorities.
Welcome back, John Oliver! Your absence left a long, rant-sized hole in our hearts.
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Green with envy.
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Actress Saoirse Ronan stars in Hozier's important new music video about domestic violence.
Hozier, the Irish singer of "Take Me to Church" fame, released a powerful new music video to support the #FaceUpToDomesticViolence campaign.
Starring Saoirse Ronan, currently in the running for an Oscar for her performance in Brooklyn, it highlights the complexity of abusive relationships. And much like Lady Gaga did with "Til It Happens to You," Hozier is using the popularity of his music to bring attention to vital issues not always in the forefront of national media.
“Domestic violence is an ongoing issue in our society," Hozier told The Irish Independent, "the statistics of which are shocking and the effects of which damage whole families, communities and span generations.”
Ronan added, “I hope through the video and song we can shine light on the issue and complexity of domestic abuse and in doing so help those caught up in the cycle of domestic violence.”
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Leonardo DiCaprio and Dame Maggie Smith got caught on kiss cam and won Valentine's Day.
Leonardo DiCaprio and Maggie Smith got "caught" on the kiss cam Sunday night at the 2016 BAFTA award show. When the camera zoomed in on the them, DiCaprio got up and gave the 81-year-old Harry Potter and Downton Abbey actress a kiss on the cheek.
He never turns it off. This proves once and for all that DiCaprio will hook up with women older than the age of 25.
Well, at least when he's on camera with one and they're both encircled by a giant double heart.
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Presidents Day
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Kanye continues his series of Twitter rants by asking Mark Zuckerberg for 1 billion dollars.
Sunday night on Twitter, Kanye West asked Mark Zuckerberg for a bunch of money. Specifically, one billion dollars. His request might be related to another of Kanye's tweets, in which he said he's $53 million dollars in debt. Or it might just be Kanye being Kanye.
Kanye acknowledged that he was asking this on Zuckerberg's birthday (although Zuckerberg's birthday is actually in May). Still, he didn't wish him happy birthday, he just requested a phone call:
Kanye didn't stop with Zuckerberg; he also asked Google co-founder Larry Page for assistance:
He then insisted it would by hypocritical for tech moguls in Silicon Valley not to support him, and that he deserves money more than non-profit initiatives:
It's unclear at this point whether Kanye has become completely unhinged, if Kanye really needs the money, or if these Twitter rants were publicity stunts to coincide with the release of his new album. If the latter, he's done a great job. Kanye's been a prominent focus in recent celebrity news ever since Amber Rose implied he likes butt stuff.
And outside of Twitter, Kanye's lyrics themselves are also generating controversy. He made a sexual reference to Taylor Swift in one new song, which she immediately criticized as misogynistic.
Worth noting is that before beginning last night's crusade for Silicon Valley dollars, Kanye was certain to plug the streaming music service Tidal (he's a part-owner):
So if this is all business-related, he might know what he's doing after all.
Yeezy finished last night's Twitter rant with a question that has riddled humanity for centuries:
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Valentine's Day
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James Greig, extremely confident man, uses cover of Observer Magazine to propose to his girlfriend.
On Valentine's Day, James Greig brought a copy of the Observer Magazine to his girlfriend, Katie Moore, as they luxuriated in a hotel for the weekend. On the cover was his own face, attached to his own body, kneeling on his own one knee, offering up a ring. No, it wasn't a single, novelty copy of the publication—it was the real thing. As in, a public Jumbotron proposal gone for all of Britain to see.
The Observer chose the couple to feature in their Valentine's Day issue, although until she saw the cover, Ms. Moore thought the interview she had done with an Observer reporter was for a "story on long-distance relationships," according to the BBC. Of course, she soon found out the truth. And said "yes."
The Observer says this is the first cover-proposal for any national paper. And while it may not be The New York Times, the magazine has a circulation of 215,000 and certainly the potential to end this relationship in a hail of very public tears.
Related: People shared the moment they realized they'd marry their spouse. Warning: it got pretty sweet.
Here's to all the brave grooms-to-be who convince a magazine to let them try this gimmick in the future. And although they surely all hope to succeed, there's still time left to be the first proposal to fail in front of an entire nation of rapt readers.
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Presidents Day
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The hottest fire from Kanye's new album is this hilariously self-absorbed 'Seinfeld' mashup.
In between tweeting insanely stupid things, Kanye West released an album, The Life of Pablo—and within hours, a mashup of the track I Love Kanye was making its way across Twitter, set to the Seinfeld theme song. The vastly improved track, officially known as I Love Seinye, was created by one of the most popular parody accounts of the Internet age, Seinfeld Current Day.
This is not the first time that @Seinfeld2000 has mashed the two up or even used the name "Seinye." Last year, they turned Kanye's bizarre VMAs speech into an end-of-episode stand-up set that sounds surprisingly like something Jerry might actually say. The @Seinfeld2000 account has gotten slightly less weird as it has gotten more popular, but this video they created for an Arcade Fire song should give you an idea of what this Weird Twitter phenomenon's roots were like:
I Love Seinye was tweeted out yesterday, and the account also requested people send Mark Zuckerberg an mp3 of the song in response to Kanye straight-up asking Mark Zuckerberg for one billion dollars like a degree-less Dr. Evil.
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The longest-married couple in America shared their advice online for their 83rd Valentine's Day.
John and Ann Betar have been married for 83 years. At 104 and 100-years-old, respectively, they have been married longer than any other couple in America, so they were uniquely qualified to go on Twitter and give advice on how to make relationships work. That is, other than by being adorably immortal.
Before you take their advice, here's the couple's backstory: John Betar's family escaped to America during World War I from Syria. That's right, he was a Syrian refugeea century ago. John worked as a peddler up and down the Connecticut coast when he met Annie, a local high school student, and they fell in love. She was 17 when they eloped (a scandal at the time), and have been together ever since.
The Betars teamed up with Handy, a cleaning services company, to provide wisdom to young'uns on Valentine's Day.
1. "Let each other be."
2. Amuse yourselves.
3. There's power in hugging.
4. Food can be a contentious issue.
5. Respect your elders.
6. It's the little things.
7. Great-grandchildren help you live longer.
8. Things change over 100 years.
9. It's good to be friends first. But being smitten is also good. Just like each other, OK?
10. Don't hold grudges.
11. When in doubt, elope.
So sweet. It is so helpful to learn the many secrets to a great, successful marriage, one of which is buying the right kind of cucumber.
Related: People shared the moment they realized they'd marry their spouse. Warning: it got pretty sweet.
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Spanish civil servant didn't show up to public job for 6 years, got away with 5/6 of it.
Joaquín García was a civil servant who, theoretically, supervised a wastewater treatment plant in Cadiz, Spain—but did not show to work for at least six years. His superiors discovered he had not been showing up to work when they were preparing to give him an award for 20 years of service.
The former Deputy Mayor of Cadiz, Jorge Blas Fernández, told the newspaper El Mundo that he began the investigation when city officials talked to Garcia's coworkers in in preparation for the 20-year award ceremony. It didn't take much talking to the people who did show up to work to discover that Joaquín hadn't been seen at the water utility much (or at all) after transferring there from city hall.
Maybe they swung by the water plant to get a few roast jokes from his coworkers for his award ceremony. Then they learned the funniest part about working with Joaquín is that he's never around.
In any case, when the deputy mayor called in García to inquire why he had not been seen at work, perhaps the most insulting part was how the absent employee did not even have any elaborate excuses prepared:
I asked him: 'What are you doing? What did you do yesterday? And the previous month?' He could not answer.
If you get called into an office after not showing up for work for six years, at least try a lame excuse, like alien abduction. He didn't even have a mop sitting at his desk wearing sunglasses. Nothing. However, it turns out he may have been skipping work for a reason.
This case became public knowledge after the city sued García and he fought them in court. It recently ended with García being fined a little over $30,000. They found he had not occupied his office for six years, and had done no work between 2007 and 2010.
During the case, García alleged that he had been the victim of workplace bullying because he favored socialist politics. The city of Cadiz was ruled by the conservative Popular Party from 1995 to 2015, and may have fostered a hostile work environment for García, according to the case.
Either way, his final fine was the equivalent of one year's salary, which is a pretty low price for doing no work for six years. Ultimately, this case has probably caused a surge of applications at water treatment facilities throughout Spain from others hoping to take a six-year siesta nap from their job.
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Presidents Day
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Stephen Fry quits Twitter after a joke caused 'outrage,' explains why with pee metaphor.
Iconic British comedian Stephen Fry deleted his Twitter after a joke he made at the BAFTAs caused a classic Internet outrage. Fry joked that the outfit of Jenny Beaven, the winner of Best Costume Design for Mad Max: Fury Road, resembled that of a bag lady. People were pissed.
Fry later defended the joke on his dearly departed Twitter account by saying that he and Beaven were friends and on good terms. He wrote, “Will all you sanctimonious fuckers fuck the fuck off Jenny Beavan is a friend and joshing is legitimate. Christ I want to leave the planet." He even tweeted a picture of the two of them at the after party:
Fry ultimately deleted his account and wrote an open letter on his website, titled, "Too Many People Have Peed in the Pool," about how he is walking away from the social media tool because people are looking to be offended and seeking to express outrage. He explained it all in an apt, stinky metaphor, lamenting how good the site used to be:
Oh goodness, what fun twitter was in the early days, a secret bathing-pool in a magical glade in an enchanted forest. It was glorious ‘to turn as swimmers into cleanness leaping.’ We frolicked and water-bombed and sometimes, in the moonlight, skinny-dipped. We chattered and laughed and put the world to rights and shared thoughts sacred, silly and profane. But now the pool is stagnant. It is frothy with scum, clogged with weeds and littered with broken glass, sharp rocks and slimy rubbish. If you don’t watch yourself, with every move you’ll end up being gashed, broken, bruised or contused. Even if you negotiate the sharp rocks you’ll soon feel that too many people have peed in the pool for you to want to swim there any more. The fun is over.
He added,
To leave that metaphor, let us grieve at what twitter has become. A stalking ground for the sanctimoniously self-righteous who love to second-guess, to leap to conclusions and be offended – worse, to be offended on behalf of others they do not even know. It’s as nasty and unwholesome a characteristic as can be imagined. It doesn’t matter whether they think they’re defending women, men, transgender people, Muslims, humanists … the ghastliness is absolutely the same. It makes sensible people want to take an absolutely opposite point of view. I’ve heard people shriek their secularism in such a way as to make me want instantly to become an evangelical Christian.
Fry preempted the criticisms of this move by explaining that while the population of Twitter isn't all like this, "I would contend that just one turd in a reservoir is enough to persuade one not to drink from it. 99.9% of the water may be excrement free, but that doesn’t help."
"So I don’t feel anything today other than massive relief, like a boulder rolling off my chest," he concluded, "I am free, free at last."
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