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Happy Mother's Day to my second least embarrassing parent on Facebook.

Happy Accidental Mother's Day.

Happy Mother's Day to someone who carried me for 9 months physically and for 29 years financially.

Happy Mother's Day to someone smart enough to avoid motherhood.

Happy Mother's Day to a MILF porn enthusiast.

Happy Mother's Day to a new mom who has yet to mess up someone else's life.

Mom, it's so great how much closer we've gotten since you started texting instead of calling.

Mom, You'll always be my best friend when I can't stand my best friends.

Mom Coupon: Good for one feigned enthusiastic response to hearing about the engagement of a kid I went to middle school with.

Happy awkward Mother's Day to all the stepmothers out there.

Mom, I hope to someday he half as brilliant, generous, and beautiful as you are, but twice as capable of using the Internet.

Happy Mother's Day to someone I'd love to recklessly impregnate this weekend.

Mom, I can't even imagine how proud you are of me for remembering to send you a Mother's Day card.

Whole Foods accidentally tricks vegans into eating like humans have for 200,000 years.

I don't need a holiday devoted to moms to spend the weekend in a spiral of guilt and shame.

Mom, let's celebrate the commercialization of our love with an overpriced Mother's Day brunch.

Happy Mother's Day to someone who'll be a great mom by her second child.

Happy Mother's Day to someone who's not just hot for a mom.

I hope you put more planning into my Mother's Day celebration than I did into getting pregnant with you.

Happy Mother's Day to someone I hope is my last stepmother.

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