Happy Mother's Day to my second least embarrassing parent on Facebook.
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Happy Accidental Mother's Day.
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Happy Mother's Day to someone who carried me for 9 months physically and for 29 years financially.
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Happy Mother's Day to someone smart enough to avoid motherhood.
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Happy Mother's Day to a MILF porn enthusiast.
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Happy Mother's Day to a new mom who has yet to mess up someone else's life.
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Mom, it's so great how much closer we've gotten since you started texting instead of calling.
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Mom, You'll always be my best friend when I can't stand my best friends.
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Mom Coupon: Good for one feigned enthusiastic response to hearing about the engagement of a kid I went to middle school with.
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Happy awkward Mother's Day to all the stepmothers out there.
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Mom, I hope to someday he half as brilliant, generous, and beautiful as you are, but twice as capable of using the Internet.
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Happy Mother's Day to someone I'd love to recklessly impregnate this weekend.
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Mom, I can't even imagine how proud you are of me for remembering to send you a Mother's Day card.
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Whole Foods accidentally tricks vegans into eating like humans have for 200,000 years.
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I don't need a holiday devoted to moms to spend the weekend in a spiral of guilt and shame.
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Mom, let's celebrate the commercialization of our love with an overpriced Mother's Day brunch.
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Happy Mother's Day to someone who'll be a great mom by her second child.
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Happy Mother's Day to someone who's not just hot for a mom.
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I hope you put more planning into my Mother's Day celebration than I did into getting pregnant with you.
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Happy Mother's Day to someone I hope is my last stepmother.
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