Comedian Sarah Silverman made the perfect party anthem for the type of people who hate party anthems, and it will get you pumped up and ready for a night of not going to the club. The song, titled "Perfect Night," also features will.i.am of The Black Eyed Peas, and you know he knows a thing or two about infuriatingly poppy party anthems—the guy pretty much provided all the music played at Bar Mitzvahs from 2005-2013.

The song talks about the things that really make an ideal night according to Silverman, which includes watching Netflix, not wearing makeup and masturbating (not to Netflix). Now pump up the volume on this song, put on sweatpants, and prepare for a not-crazy night in. 

J.K. Rowling recently confirmed to a Twitter fan that Harry Potter and the Cursed Child will make you cry. The eighth book in her Harry Potter series will be released in July. The story, which is also being produced as a play, takes place 19 years after the ending of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

According to the play's website, the story focuses on an adult Harry Potter and his son Albus, who "must struggle with the weight of a family legacy he never wanted. As past and present fuse ominously, both father and son learn the uncomfortable truth: sometimes, darkness comes from unexpected places."

It's common for Rowling to interact with fans on Twitter, and it's also common for her books to make people cry.

How sad will the new book make you? Well, just hours before she responded to the fan, she was hanging out with the brilliant and tragically sad mind of the Beach Boys, Brian Wilson:

Wilson triumphed through sadness and created the album Pet Sounds. So it's safe to say fans should be able to make it through another wizard book.

Harry Potter books will always include tragic moments that make fans cry, but it will be worth it in the end. Unless Harry Potter's death is the result of accidentally getting hit by a Knight Bus. That would suck.

There's a Dwight Shrute in every workplace across America. The Office's second most eccentric character (after Creed Bratton, arguably) is a perfect amalgamation of the bizarre coworkers everyone has to put up with from 9-5, Monday thru Friday. A recent Reddit thread asked users to describe their own office's Dwight Shrute, and unless you're the Shrute of your office, the answers will stir memories of that freak who's always muttering something about bears, beets, and/or Battlestar Galactica a few cubicles over.

1. This coworker of samthehammer's is pretty much Dwight in the flesh.

He is overweight, but has a black belt in tae kwan do. He spends his time at the gym throwing his legs up at the punching bag.

He recently bought a motorcycle, but had to have a coworker drive it home since he doesnt have the license yet.

He recently went to a job convention since if he gets a job offer, he can petition for an early release from the army. So he walked around the office for an entire day with a stack of business cards talking about how many jobs offers he received. His applications are actually still pending.

He is a sergeant, but not many people take him seriously so he was put in charge of the companys' humvees and larger trucks instead of real people.

He has the same male pattern baldness as Dwight, and combs his bangs forward.

He does the "knife hand" whenever he tries to give orders to people, especially when he's on the phone with them.

2. User uhhhclem is surrounded by Dwights.

I'm a software engineer at Google. Everyone is Dwight. Everyone.

3. Soaki could write a Shrute spin-off with the material he gets from this coworker.

There was a guy I used to work with that was the epitome of awkward/strange:

On his first day, the general manager (his boss’s boss) mentioned that if he has any insurance questions he should speak to Hulk (that’s just what we called the guy, it obviously wasn’t his name) and “The Dwight” responded with ”What? I don’t see any angry green men around here?” and the GM just kind of smirked and pointed to who he meant. So The Dwight proudly continued on with ”Did you know I have the exact same dimensions as superman? And the eyes to match” This guy was not built like Superman, not one bit. I mean he was geeky and had dark hair, but not built like Superman.

One of the guys mentioned he was picking up a new phone after work and already knew which one he was getting. The Dwight ruthlessly hounded him for the whole day with lecture after lecture about why his choice was wrong and printed out comparisons as to why he should be buying a different phone. He went with his initial choice; The Dwight wasn’t happy.

We used to have drinks on a Friday afternoon, because free booze, why not? During this time we would often end up debating about the hottest celebrities an comparing lists online. We were looking at and debating the historic list of world’s sexiest man when the topic of Pierce Brosnan came up. This was his chance to intervene with an anecdote about how his great aunt was on a plane with Pierce, and it came up (on the place) that the aunt had the same maiden name as Pierce. He then continued to say, ”So I’m pretty much related to Pierce, you can see the family resemblance” (despite being a married in aunt, not by blood). Naturally we thought he was joking and laughed, he was not joking.

At my going away drinks, I had planned to head across to the pub with a small group of people. Not only did he decide to invite himself, but when we got there he ordered a shot, that he then proceeded to sip on for 30 minutes. WHO SIPS ON A SHOT. It’s called a shot for heaven’s sake!

We had casual Fridays. Now this meant guys were still expected to wear a collared top, so polos or decorative flannies were generally the go to. But no. Not with this guy. He wore his Superman shirt every casual dress day. One fateful casual dress day when they started enforcing the collared rule, The Dwight wore a Superman shirt under his short sleeved button down shirt. Which is, you know, whatever, no one has to see it. The Dwight however decided that he needed to tell someone, anyone, about his shirt and the comparisons that could be made. He picked the Managing Partner (we’ll call him MP) of the legal division. As they were casually doing the usual, much-planned-for-the-weekend pleasantries, The Dwight whips open his top three buttons to reveal his much-loved tee and says ”See this button down is just to hide my true identity… Do you have a secret alter ego?”. The MP was confused no doubt. He just kind of fobbed it off and went on with his day. The MP was a hugefan of India Jones (ringtone and everything) but knew very little of Superman.

He was really finicky about not being called the shortened version of his name. Which I can’t give examples of because, rules.

One of the girls was nicknamed Cat (Her name didn’t even have cat in it, it’s just the nickname she had) and he would just meow at her every time she walked past or was talking to someone in his cubicle. Now, keep in mind, this was a professional services company, not some part-time job working with kids.

At a previous job he got reprimanded for “bullying” other staff members when it came to the fruit box. He would spend most of his day watching the fruit box and keeping track of how many people were taking and would then stop people from taking fruit when he felt they had taken more than their share. This resulted in a lot of complaints.

One day I was caught on the tram with him on the way to work, both on the tram and at work I was lectured about how the new Fantastic Four was shit. For 45 minutes. Didn’t bother watching the movie as I was concerned that if he found out I would have to listen to all of his stupid points again.

He bought a 3-bedroom house (which, you know good on him) but then tore down the supporting wall between the two spare rooms to build an at home gym. Effectively destroying the resale price of the property. It was in what is generally a family oriented suburb.

4. User gidikh describes an employee who had all of Dwight's weird with none of Dwight's competence.

We were doing software development for a mid sized company. We had a few staff programmers and a team of consultants, "George" was the latest staff programmer we hired.

First couple weeks we had him and some other programmers from another department go through a 'boot camp' to get familiar with our code base and the patterns we were using. "George" immediately informs the architect that it was all "beneath" him. It was pretty much downhill from there.

We gave him a few chances at joining our group for lunch. "George" turned out to be the most inept conversationalist. He would just randomly interrupt the group to talk about the time he went to a taping of American Gladiators when he was a kid, how he was a black belt and had use chopsticks to eat so the other black belts wouldn't give him a hard time, how he bought some miniature cows so he wouldn't have to mow his lawn, etc... After the first week, we had to coordinate leaving for lunch via IM so we could leave without him asking to go along.

"George" also had a bit of a gas problem, loudly farting 3-4 times a day. It didn't help that we were in a bull-pen style cube farm with all mesh aeron chairs.

There were more character flaws, but you get the idea. Which all of that could have been overlooked, but he was also a terrible programmer. Every piece of code he touched needed to be fixed by someone else. We found out later that he had been posting his tasks to programming forum and would basically just cut and paste different replies till he got something that would compile, push it to prod (before we implemented a strict change control process) and then try to deny his changes just brought down the site.

He lasted a few months before the boss finally let him go. But it was okay because according to George "getting fired was god's way of telling him it's time to move onto better things."

5. chevy1500 can rely on 'Joe' for Shrute-esque survival advice.

We will call him Joe. Joe likes to say something about every conversation as if he is an expert. Joe likes to lie about stuff that makes him look tough( wrestling bears, swimming in ice water for hours because he can regulate body temperature, being shots With an arrow). Joe doesn't get sarcasm. Joe is always right. Joe also smokes 2 cigarettes at once on breaks. That's all Joe folks.

6. FineIranianLeather sounds like he's working with a Michael Scott more than he is a Dwight Shrute.

My boss. Here's the thing, he's a really nice guy, and a good boss, but damn is he annoying sometimes. I'm on a business trip with him right now so allow me to vent a little. --Literally says literally at least 100 times a day.

--Always has "a Story", but he isn't a good story teller and tries to throw in way too much detail that no one gives a shit about. I've also heard most of these stories maybe 15 times.

--At restaurants and bars its always "whats the darkest beer you have" or "whats the hottest hot sauce/wing flavor you have" It gets so fucking old. We were at a dive bar the other night and he asks some latino lady behind the bar what the darkest beer was. I'm pretty sure the choices were Bud or Bud Light.

--And another for food, he can't just have fast food. It's always gotta be something involved. It could be 10pm after working all day and I just want to go to the room but no, lets find something on Yelp and drive 40 minutes to get there.

--And another for food, he is a fucking black hole. He will eat and eat and fucking eat until he is miserable but he won't admit it. He will stuff his face with the hottest hot wings, face red, but tries to act like its nothing. Its hilarious.

--He keeps asking what seat I am on the plane, then immediately checks to see if he can change his seat to either be next to me or in a row closer to the front. Has to be closer to the front.

--I took the stairs, he took the escalator. I was getting close to the bottom first so he starts practically running down the stairs to get there before me.

--Coffee.....black. Anything else is for hipster pieces of shit.

--His kid is the smartest. I have kids. I'm proud of them. But I don't presume that they are the smartest to ever exist.

--He has no filter in the workplace. There was an asian massage place across from where we were working and he starts talking about happy endings while the female manager is just standing there in awe of his stupidity.

--Console gaming is the best and First Person Shooters are too easy. This one infuriates me. \pcmasterrace

--he truly believes he is gods gift to women. All the girls love him and want him but they just can't have him. He looks like an iranian leather dealer.

--He can't drive for shit. He's too busy talking to listen to the GPS and constantly misses turns. After he almost got us hit today I took the keys.

Again, he gave me a job which I am very thankful for and he is a genuinely nice person who just needs to think a little before talking. I realize this just turned into a list of things that annoy me about my boss.

7. umdche's office has a Dwight and a Jim.

I work in a factory and there's this one woman who we call Dora (not real name), as in Dora the explorer. She's not the brightest person and one day I walk out of my office and see one of my mechanics with a green laser pointer shining it from across the production floor onto the machine she's operating. She just freezes, stares at it for a few seconds and then tries swatting it and trying to catch it. She literally acted like a cat would with a laser pointer. It took over an hour for her to get bored with it and start ignoring it. People play other tricks on her all the time. It never gets old.

8. A missing "Peanuts Christmas tree" sent drew1111's coworker into a true Shrute rage.

We had a guy that worked on the manufacturing floor that would bring in every Christmas, the "Peanuts Christmas tree". One year someone stole it and he freaked out at 5AM. Security escorted him to his car to leave and take the day off. He returned with a new "Peanuts Christmas tree", went to his desk and light it on fire in a plant. He lost his job that day.

9. therakel749's Dwight was so Dwight he scared everyone.

He would take notes, pictures, and videos of the rest of us so he could snitch to our supervisor about us.

He refused to split our work evenly. He would run ahead of his partner and grab as many of our jobs as possible.

He threw every single other team member under the bus. Some of us when we tried to protect him, some when he just straight up narked on him. No one wanted to be his partner.

At the end of lunch he would be the first up and saying," I'll be out in the car when you're ready."

He refused to stop work while it was raining really hard, his partner for the week got sick.

He would go above our supervisors head to her boss when he didn't like what she did in regards to him. IE- he was a temp and she hadn't hired him full time.

Essentially he tried his hardest to get hired full time and it didn't work. He got fired. No one wanted to be his partner and our supervisor would pull us aside and make sure we were ok when we worked with him. She fired him as soon as she was able.

10. Pray for nerdmanpap. His Dwight is right in front of him.

My coworker and I sit front to front with only a single low cubicle wall between us. When standing, this wall barely reaches your waist. When sitting, if I sit straight up to look over my monitor we can see face to face. Every time I look up and stretch, he takes it as a sign I wanted to talk to him, but only about his preferred topics:

How to make your own fishing rods, including an in depth discussion of all the mistakes he has made that you want to avoid, as well as the entire process start to finish. Don't pay any attention to the fact that he hasn't made a fishing rod in 10 years, doesn't currently fish, and doesn't even own any of the rods he made currently (they were apparently stolen, and don't ask why because he will go on for another 30 minutes about how much they were worth, how much materials are in them, how much time he had in them and that he should have filed a claim on his home insurance

likewise, he used to compete (10+ years ago) in archery competitions. But boy oh boy he was an elite archer. He will tell the story of how good he was with his recurve bow and how it is superior to any other type of bow. He will go into great detail to talk about his 2nd place win in a competition, but if you ask too many details you realize there were only 3 competitors and 1 dropped out when his string broke

I recently purchased and remodeled a house, and his is 40 years old. He'll tell me stories of things his house needs after every step of my remodel. For example: I had new carpet installed, and he'll tell me his dogs pissed everywhere and he had to rip all his carpets out. I installed vinyl planking in my laundry and dining room, and he'll tell me how he didn't put carpet back, he just rolled out sheet vinyl but didn't bother gluing it down or trimming it to fit since the dogs continue to piss on it. I had to remove and replace a bunch of drywall and he'll tell me he has large holes in his drywall all around the house (I didn't ask why). Furthermore his daughters has 3 ferrets that climb in and out of those holes and live in the walls. I shudder to think of his living situation, and I thank God every day that he doesn't smell bad

These impromptu, unwelcome conversations never seem to end. I usually have to find an out by going to the bathroom just to get away from him. To make it worse my boss and I share a cubicle and he HATES it when my coworker talks because he talks loud enough for the entire area to hear him. Even if I don't respond and don't make eye contact with my coworker, he will continue to have a 1 sided conversation for upwards of 15 minutes. This gets really awkward when I can tell my boss wants quiet.

I've raised my monitors now, so it isn't very easy for him to make eye contact and think it's an opening to talk to me. Even still he will stand up and start talking without stopping. Even if I have my headphones in and I'm deep in thought on a project. On his worse days, he'll walk around the cubicle wall and stand over me talking while I'm trying to work. Again, even if I'm not responding and not making eye contact and I'm clearly busy he doesn't pick up on any of those cues.

his most recent favored conversation topic is what groceries he bought over the weekend. He will rant and rave about how the the guy who works behind the meat counter hooked him up big time on pork tenderloin. He will talk about how he cooks it, how he eats it every day since he only cooks on Sunday. Even worse is when there is a weekend with no meat special because then I have to hear him recap all the previous times he has found chicken for 50 cents a pound, or how back in 1980 he used to buy ground beef for half of what it costs today

finally, any time he actual does get work done he will stand up and verbally announce it to the world. He hardly gers any work done and messes around on his phone all day, but goddamit once he gets that small sliver of work done he makes sure everyone understands his sparkling achievement. Turns out though he constantly does his work wrong and has to redo it, to which he will claim he had to go back and write the code from scratch because he is such a master programmer and how back in the 70s he wrote a piece of code (it was a code that would copy and past a line, and increment a value by 1) that he claims was so popular the company that made the software integrated his feature into their next update.

Oh boy oh boy, he's standing up now... Gotta go pee and avoid another long, unwanted conversation.

Chrissy Teigen and John Legend's newborn Luna Simone Stephens not only has the ability and right to call herself "Luna Legend" like a f*cking superhero, she's cute as hell. And yesterday, John Legend's grandmother finally got to meet her.

Legend's grandmother is the woman who taught him how to play the piano, according to People. The musical talent probably runs in the family, considering how much Luna is digging this John Legend song:

Who doesn't want to wriggle to R&B about making babies?

Cops are here to protect and serve, but sometimes that entails stopping people for speeding because they're driving like maniacs and endangering the lives of the other drivers on the road. But no ticket (or hiked-up insurance rate_ is final until that ticket is written and signed, so desperate motorists will do whatever they can to get out of it. These people on Reddit shared the craziest ways they ever got a police officer to put the pad away.

1. This deleted account said the thing we all want to say when caught speeding… and it actually worked instead of getting them arrested.

"Alright, I know. I'm speeding. But you have to admit, this road is really fun to speed on!"

The cop laughed. I'm now an attorney and this is clearly an admission of guilt which is a big no-no on moving violations. Looking back though, it was a good story.

2. Don't know what the cop's weight has to do with it, but internetlad's tactic is just something that nobody is going to question.

A guy I worked with had a story in which he convinced a fat cop that he was speeding because he had to go home to poop very, very badly. Apparently the cop told him to "go, just go"

3. A user called _-_-___-_ played the dog card. The dog card trumps all.

"IS THAT A DRUG DOG IN YOUR CAR?! CAN I PET HIM?"

Gotta pet an adorable dog and no ticket. WIN WIN.

4. A doctor and a sandwich maker like skirmisher02 are pretty much the same, though.

Not speeding but I got out of getting one for running a red light by claiming I'm a medical student and I was rushing to assist with a procedure...

I was actually rushing home from my job at Subway to make it home for a Arsenal champions league game.

5. Passive voice for the win, ivaneatstacos.

Cop asked for my license and registration. I then told him, "Officer, do you know why you had me pulled over?"

It threw him off so bad he started laughing about it and let me off with a warning.

6. JosephXtreme could've been toasted by the cops and his grandma.

Had a pretty cool lady cop about to give me a showing ticket. Told her if I go home with a ticket my grandma will beat me with a toaster. She thought it was funny and gave me a warning.luckily I had two passengers to confirm the story.

7. This story from caitymcg123 marks the first time in history that wearing short-shorts ever made anybody happy.

I didn't have to. I was wearing shorts, and the officer noticed the Led Zeppelin tattoo on my thigh. He immediately said "sweet fucking tat!", fist bumped me, and told me to wear my seatbelt. He saved me a trip to court and the $200 ticket price.

8. User inasea has kids that are actually useful.

For some reason, my kids thought that getting stopped by the cops automatically meant I was going to jail. Any time I got pulled over, some, or maybe all 3 would be wailing at the top of their lungs, "please don't take my mommy to jail!!!" I'd have all of my papers out, and would be on top of it with all of the "yes, Sir, no sir," while trying to calm down the kids by saying, "Mommy's only going to get a ticket 'cause she was speeding, (or what ever.) Never did I get a ticket with a screamer in the car. Not sure how old they were before they figured out I wasn't going to go to jail.

9. This deleted user found themselves a cop that loves irony.

Cop: "I pulled you over because you were speeding. Want to tell me where were you going in such a hurry?"

Me: "Driving school."

Cop: "I hope you learn something."

10. What's smoother than smooth jazz? User mntndewette's friend is what.

Not me, but a close friend of mine. My friend got pulled over for speeding. As the cop approached his car he decided to turn off the radio, instead he missed and changed the station. The cop walks up to the car, friend rolls down the window and smooth jazz music flows out. Cop looks impressed and asks my friend if that was insert smooth jazz artist's name here. Friend says "yes, yes it is". Cop tells him to slow down and lets him off with not even a warning.

11. It was risky for MonkeyMan5391 to reference a movie to a police officer, but it was smart to use a reference from the most popular movie ever.

"This isn't the car you are looking for" with a Jedi hand wave. The cop laughed, said "good one", and gave me a warning.

12. User devidual didn't really pee himself, because that would be gross. But it's the thought that counts.

poured water on the genital portion of my pants and had this nervous and embarrassed look on my face when the officer came to talk to me.

I told him I was sorry, but I had needed to use the restroom really bad while I pretended to cover up my 'accident'.

He had a wtf look on his face and told me to hurry home.

Not my proudest moment.

14. Jedi_State_of_Mind revealed why cops never seem to get charged for coffee. (Because it pays off later.)

I use to be a Starbucks manager near the beach. Anytime a uniformed officer (police, firefighter, military,etc.) came in, I gave them their first couple of drinks for free. Every time I would speed down the PCH and get pulled over, the cop would look at me and recognize me as the guy who gives them free coffee. Basically, got to drive how I wanted for like a year and a half with no issues.

15. You can go as fast as you want if you do like Rojosapien did and carry a pizza in your car at all times.

I was taking a pizza home from work and got pulled over for driving 20+ over the speed limit. Rolled down my window as the cop walks up and i expected to go thought the usual police routine . But when I looked at the cop he was sniffing the air and asked " what do you have in your car?" I started panicking thinking he could smell residual weed in the car. He spotted the pizza box and asked " what's in the box?" Showed him the pizza, and trying to make the best out of the situation joking asked "want a slice?" He looked me dead in the eye lowered his face to mine and unexpectedly said "sure." So I gave him a slice and was just sitting there watching him eat it when he asked " you going to join me?" So I grabbed a slice, raised it in a toast and said " to safer driving." He let me go with just a warning TL;DR Shared a pizza with a cop to get out of a supper speeder ticket.

Justin Bieber is facing another lawsuit, this time related to his music and not his inability to use a beer bong. Bieber, "Sorry" producer Skillrex, and the song's writers are under fire for stealing the opening riff of the hit song, according to Vulture and TMZ. The "Ohohohoo ohohohoo" part. Was that not a perfect conveyance of the opener?

Singer White Hinterland (real name Casey Dienel) filed the suit, which alleges that J. Bieb's hit song that you love against your will uses vocals from White Hinterland's 2014 song, "Ring The Bell."

If the repeated melody in White Hinterland's song is making you want to dance around a little bit and apologize even more than usual, that's because your brain is recognizing it as the opener to "Sorry."

TMZ said that aside from repeating her eight-second riff multiple times, Hinterland also claims there are other similarities between the two songs in their use of musical instrument and synth. On Facebook, White Hinterland explained the lawsuit.

As many of you that follow my career and work have already recognized, Justin Bieber’s song “Sorry” copies the vocal riff prominently featured in my song “Ring the Bell.” The writers, producers, and performers of “Sorry” did not obtain a license for this exploitation of my work, nor did they obtain or seek my permission. Yesterday afternoon, I filed a lawsuit for copyright infringement against Justin Bieber and the other responsible parties.

After this post, I intend to leave the subject matter of the lawsuit in the hands of my lawyers and the legal system. However, because I do not take the act of suing lightly, I want to take this opportunity to briefly explain my decision to those of you who are connected to me through family, friendship, and music.

Creating original and unique music is my life’s passion, but it is challenging and time consuming. I poured my blood, sweat, and tears into writing and producing “Ring the Bell,” and I am proud of the finished product, which Rolling Stone listed as one of its “favorite songs, albums, and videos.” Throughout my career, I have worked very hard to preserve my independence and creative control, thus it came as a shock to hear my work used and exploited without permission.

Like most artists that sample music, Bieber could have licensed my song for use in “Sorry.” But he chose not to contact me. After the release of “Sorry,” my lawyers sent Bieber a letter regarding the infringement, but Bieber’s team again chose to ignore me. I offered Bieber’s team an opportunity to have a private dialogue about the infringement, but they refused to even acknowledge my claim, despite the obviousness of the sample. Justin Bieber is the world’s biggest artist, and I’m sure that he and his team will launch a full attack against me. But, in the end, I was left with no other option. I believe I have an obligation to stand up for my music and art.

Thank you in advance for your support.

Casey Dienel (White Hinterland) 

Fortunately, Bieber has had plenty of practice with apologizing so he should be able to muster up some b.s. response to the suit.

Martin Shkreli, the Pharma Bro famous for upping the price of AIDS medication 5,000% and hoarding a Wu-Tang Clan album, has done the inevitable in his journey of douchebaggery: endorse Donald Trump.

Not only did he endorse the GOP nominee, he offered that astute advice on what Trump should be looking for in a vice president. Twitter wondered if he was subtly throwing his hat into the ring, but he quickly denied it. 

The two do have a lot in common. They're both cynically opportunistic businessmen and braggadocious on Twitter. 

Shkreli defended his candidate for simply pandering to the public when he called him a loser. 

While he loves The Donald, he did take a moment to criticize his catchphrase. America is already great, because Martin Shkreli's in it. 

Dating is tough, and it's definitely not any easier if you're a 19-year-old Lord of the Rings fan who tries to use The Secret to get girls. Redditor Alricson shared his story on the "Today I Fucked Up" subreddit, along with some wise dating advice: the best way to find a date is to be married first. Here is how the saga unfolded, and yes, it as nearly as epic as theLord of the Rings (well, maybe just the less exciting parts where they walk really far for a really long time).

It all started when his best friend gave him a ring in a totally non-romantic way (right?).

I was always a big fan of Lord of the Rings as a kid. In fact, that’s how Sam and I met and became best friends in elementary school. Last week, I had my birthday. Sam got me a cheap, metallic, gold-plated ring. Now, most people never remember my birthday, let alone get me a gift, so I was pretty happy – even if Sam only got me it cause, “Every aspect of you reminds me of Gollum, I had to.” I still am genuinely happy, even though I’m not sure if Sam was just being a dick.

That's when Alricson said that he started getting a lot more attention than normal. Like, female attention.

Over the past couple of days, as I walk through the mall, Publix, or doing whatever miscellaneous thing I just happen to be doing; I notice the following trend, girls keep smiling at me. It was crazy, I had never gotten so much attention before, BUT I LOVED IT. And I knew EXACTLY why it was happening. I had just finished reading the book, The Secret. “FINALLY, it’s happening!” “These girls are coming to me because I believed they would!” I promptly tell Sammy about what’s happening, and he doesn’t believe a word. “Fuck you Sammy, you pessimistic bitch!” I say to myself, “I have The Secret, I HAVE THE POWAHHH!”

With his newfound "powahhh" came some newfound confidence.

Another day rolls around, I decide to act upon what’s happening, I talk to the first girl I notice giving me the eyes. I chat her up like she’s already mine (the confidence I had, even though it was built on sand, most likely helped push this interaction). I get her number, and we decide to meet up at this new Italian restaurant that opened up close to my place. The whole time leading up to the date, she’s texting me stuff like, “This feels so dangerous!” and “I’ve never done something like this before!” and “You know you’re terrible person right? ;)” I have absolutely no fucking idea what she’s talking about, and I do not care. The fact was, a girl who wasn’t drunk or inebriated, found my face not disgusting enough, to go on a date with me.

Despite being able to tolerate Alricson's face, things went totally awry.

We both get to the place on time, and we’re both hitting it off and having a blast; I’m telling her jokes, she’s laughing at my jokes, and I’m laughing at her laugh at my jokes. Everything’s going great…and then she says it. “So tell me about your wife.” I’m still riding high off emotions and my new-found “power”, so I assume I mistook what I heard. “Sorry? Didn’t quite get that?” “Your wife.” I sit there stunned for a minute, I’m often mistaken for older, but no one’s ever assumed I’m married before. “I don’t have a wife…I’m only nineteen...” The look on her face that was once seductive, was now some mix of shock and disgust.

”But what about the ring?!” “This? My friend got me it.” I take it off to show her how it’s already turning green, “He knows I love Lord of the Rings, so it was pretty cool of him to do this.” She gets up abruptly and says, “Sorry, this was a mistake.” And walks out of the restaurant.

At the end of the day, at least Alricson learned some valuable lessons.

I had never felt so shitty before, I was mortified. I felt like I just had dinner with Patrick Bateman, and he left in the middle of it, only to tell me he had to return some video tapes. I’m fine now though, I probably dodged a bullet, or maybe a chainsaw.

Lessons Learned:

1. Never bring up Lord of the Rings on a date.

2. Girls are attracted to what other girls find attractive (but only shitty ones will try to sleep with another woman’s husband).

3. Fuck you Sammy, (He made me type this) That was rough.

Honestly, the person who should probably feel sh*tty in this situation is the woman who got off on the thought of ruining someone's marriage, not the teenager who wore "the one ring" on a date, even though that is an odd choice. So was the Patrick Bateman comparison, but here is the GIF anyway.

After all that, Alricson signed off with one last thought.

P.S.

Fuck you Rhonda Byrne! The Secret is a heaping pile of shit!!!

Keke Palmer is a totally gorgeous actress. Totally insanely gorgeous. Just look at her:

That is a perfectly symmetrical face, and if you disagree you are probably an Internet troll. (Also, maybe it's wrong to reduce actresses to being "insanely gorgeous," but let's put that complicated discussion aside for now.) When Palmer posted a no-makeup photo to Snapchat, people got mean.

Palmer responded with a heartfelt response to the haters:

She wrote in her caption:

hate that everyone feels like this is a big deal. I didn't even want to make a post for it but I keep seeing people saying "Leave Keke alone" or "Why are you being mean to Keke" lol. I don't want any of my supporters to get the wrong idea about who I am. Keke is fine because Keke knows who she is. Keke doesn't care to conform to what people thinks she should be.#IDontBelongToYou- And Keke knows that love is the only real thing out there, everything else is delusion. When I see people being mean, I know it's them and not me. I focus on who loves me, not who hates me duh that's why I'm so happy all the time, I choose it. Hahahahaha! I know I'm different, I been different all my life I have never been a follower. The truth is, anytime you're being you and not following the status "quo", you will be ridiculed. I say this to me and anyone watching the nasty things that are being said to me. From the acne scars on my skin, to the unwanted nude color on my toes hahaha. I can only be me and if it's not enough for anyone else that's alright with me! I can take any of the sticks and the stones thrown at me because I know the freedom of one loving thyself. I know the freedom of loving who you are every minute of the day and that's what it's about! It's about YOU being into you, never about THEM

A week ago, new mom Sia Cooper posted a photo to Instagram showing off amazingly flat abdominal muscles just six days after giving birth. This would be more surprising if the 27-year-0ld mom of two weren't already known for being a fitness buff who worked out every day of her pregnancy, including the day she went into labor. This woman has more energy than the most Hollywood person at a Hollywood party.

The caption of the photo reads:

No makeup. No filters. No photoshop. Just sleepy ole me.
While some may say I snapped back rather quickly, my body is still very soft, but I absolutely am loving my postpartum body because it grew and birthed a human being! How cool is that? Muscle memory is also an amazing thing and proof that hard work really does pay off during pregnancy-even when you're feeling as big as a house.

I have a long way to go, but I'll get there. I've been focusing on a clean postpartum diet, but also taking in an insane number of calories to nurse a toddler and a newborn.
I have to admit that I miss my pregnant belly so much. There are no words to describe those little kicks on the inside and I cannot believe that my daughter is already 6 days old. But to have her here on the outside has been such a sweet experience.

Cooper told People, "The day I went into labor, I actually did incline training for an hour along with dumbbell curls and barbell squats. I got a great last workout in before my daughter decided to make her grand appearance!" It would be easier to applaud her hard work if you weren't so busy trying to pick up the eyes you just rolled so hard they fell out of your head.

Cooper credits her body's ability to bounce back to all the exercise she did during the pregnancy. "I woke up with a six-pack again one week post-partum. It shocked me because I have not done anything but sit on the couch and breastfeed during the whole week," she told People. "My body just knew to go back to how it began because I chose to put forth the hard work of taking extra good care of it during pregnancy." Her love of fitness is half inspiring, half makes-you-want-to-maybe-smack-her-on-the-nose-with-a-rolled-up-newspaper. At least, it does if you haven't gone to the gym in a month or five.

Cooper says she thinks all the weighted squats she did made it so she could push her daughter out in just two pushes. "With my last pregnancy, I did not lift weights very often and it took two hours to push my son out. A big difference!" she told People. All right, somebody get this woman a "Good for you" sticker. No, but really—good for her. Really.

Cooper had posted a picture comparing her first pregnancy to this one. She wrote on Instagram:

Nearly 38 weeks pregnant and it's amazing to compare my first pregnancy to my current. During my first pregnancy, I was a cardio bunny and barely lifted a weight. During this pregnancy, I managed to do BOTH and then some. This is right at about the same exact weight gain as well which is 27lbs! Crazy the belly difference, right?

According to People, Cooper hopes to encourages other women to stay healthy, fit, and active during their pregnancies. "We do not have to let ourselves go during pregnancy. If you can help it, help it. You owe it to yourself and your growing baby."

Well, that's as good a reason as any to keep at it.

YouTube user Kusala posted a voicemail from grandma after recently moving in with her. Apparently there are some things to be learned about living with grandma. She is very honest, and she is not to be trusted with sweets. Ever. Sweets are never to be left in her sight, or they will be devoured. Listen to her confession about what happens when the sweet, sweet strawberry filling from a donut hits her lips:

Though she suggested hiding anything sugary in his room so she doesn't see it, the next voicemail will probably suggest he get extra locks for his door after she kicks it down to get at those hidden donuts.

Every bullied kid should take a note from Toledo's Audrianna Reynolds, 7, who showed her tormentors that she's not to be messed with by joining forces with The Punishers, a local biker club "comprised of law enforcement, EMS and military personnel, and firefighters." ABC reports that Reynolds, a self-identified tomboy and dirt bike enthusiast, got a ride to school by the motorcycle fleet, likely causing her bullies to regress into bed-wetting again.

Audrianna said she's been subject to bullying at Marshall Elementary School for over a year now, though it is perplexing to think that kids who are good at dirt biking aren't 100% bully-proof.

Daniel Bushey, president of The Punishers, explained to WGTV that they have Reynolds' back from now on. She's become one of them, skipping an initiation process that likely involves having the Punishers' logo branded onto her biceps.

We got her a vest and told her to think of us like her uncles, and she is part of our family now, and if she needs anything let us know. Any chance we get, we help kids out, we do in a heartbeat.

Audrianna's mom, Alexandria Reynolds, organized the event, saying she wanted to prove that not everyone is mean, and finding a nice, caring motorcycle gang was definitely the perfect way to do that.

We were just trying to uplift her spirits and let her know that not everybody is mean and there are plenty of nice people in the world. The guys have really done a wonderful job at helping us.

If a motorcycle gang protecting a little girl against town bullies isn't a perfect sequel set-up to the 2007 classic Wild Hogs, nothing is.

The child poverty organization Red Nose Day had their 2016 fundraising event on Thursday, and countless celebrities joined forces to support the cause, no matter how scary they may be to kids. Danny Trejo, Steve Buscemi, and Iwan Rheon (aka Game of Thrones' Ramsay Bolton, someone who should be kept away from children at all costs), sang a woeful song begging to take part in Red Nose Day and reassuring the world that they're nothing like their characters.

Iwan Rheon was also involved in last year's Red Nose Day festivities, which featured Coldplay writing a Game of Thrones musical featuring such numbers as "Rastafarian Targaryen."

Even so, he'll have to do a lot more charity work than that to make up for all the wicked stuff he's done as Ramsay.

Maybe nothing can make up for that kind of behavior.

He'd better be.

Tennessee mother Shonta Love is standing by her decision to publicly ridicule her two sons after the 14 and 15-year-old kids reveled too heartily in the joys of Facebook posting, to the tune of gang-related comments and some relatively explicit images. Love, WREG reported, tasked her sons with the unpleasant business of standing at an intersection for 40 minutes with cardboard signs reading, "My mom works 3 jobs and I’m being disrespectful and ungrateful on Facebook."

WREG spoke with Mary Jane Thompson, a licensed counselor, who felt that Love's reaction could've been a little rash. "I believe she was reacting on an emotional level," Thompson said. In Thompson's opinion, the mom's first move should've been to have the kids deactivate their Facebook accounts. 

The Facebook posts that spurred the public shaming showed the boys giving the finger, posing with fake $100 bills, writing about sex, and sharing videos that mentioned the Bloods. 

No mom wants to see their kids posting this type of stuff, even if they were 35 and married.

"She gone ride that d like a soldier #4," one of the teens wrote.

“I look on here and I was like, 'What in the world? I’m not raising him to be a thug,'" Love said about first seeing her sons' Facebook posts.

"You don’t have to always beat a child to get it to them. If you embarrass them like they embarrass you, it won't happen again," Love said. "I choose not to lose my boys to the street. Under no circumstances." 

Watch the full report from WREG

Facebook commenters have been rather supportive of Love's decision to make her sons writhe with shame for 40 minutes.

In the end, Love's sons apologized for their Facebook behavior. They'll probably get over the public shaming relatively quickly given the attention span of young people these days.

While models and women on Instagram like to post their most flattering pics of them standing up doing a fancy pose, it turns out that women are also prone to sitting down. When seated, reality and gravity conspires against the women to have their stomach flesh form rolls, no matter how #sculpted those abs may be while standing.

Body positivity activist Megan Jayne Crabbe wrote a powerful post demonstrating the difference between sitting and standing, and calling out the media for its consistent doctoring of photos to the point where we have no idea what an actual body looks like.

She writes in the powerfully worded caption:

WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT REAL BODIES LOOK LIKE ANYMORE. And no, not real as in 'REAL women have curves' (screw that body shaming bullshit, all women are real). Real as in RAW, unedited, unposed, unairbrushed, REAL. Bodies from all angles, not just the most 'flattering' ones. We see so many painstakingly posed professional model bodies that we start to see our own as flawed. Abnormal. Ugly. But there really is no wrong way to have a body, despite what we've all been taught.

She continues, addressing the trolls directly: 

Whenever I post anything celebrating my belly rolls there's an army of body shamers ready to tell me that I'm hideous, unhealthy, unworthy. But guess what? MOST WOMEN HAVE BELLY ROLLS WHEN THEY SIT DOWN. As well as cellulite on their thighs, bags under their eyes, scars and blemishes and a million other 'imperfections' we've learned to see as problems. 
Our ideas about bodies are so warped that most people would praise the girl on the left and condemn the girl on the right, without realising that we're one and the same. Well, I've worked damn hard to love the body in both these pictures, and I won't let the world paint my unique features as flaws to be fixed. So this is my message to you - you are worthy of self love at any angle. You are beautiful posed or not. You deserve to embrace every part of yourself. And you are so much more than a body.

Having suffered from anorexia, Crabbe runs a feminist, body-positive Instagram to help change the conversation.

In our perpetually photoshopped world, women are often forced to hold themselves to an impossible standard that is physically impossible in real life, without computer software. Not only are these expectations hard to meet, people also shouldn't have to try to meet them.

Kit Harrington, Jon Snow on HBO's Game of Thronesin case you don't watch TV or read the Internet, was doing an interview on BBC Radio 1 when his (possibly) fictional half-sister called in to join the conversation. Although purist fans of the books and show would insist that she's actually his cousin. But forgetting about songs of fire and ice for a moment, it was Maisie Williams that called in.

Maisie and Kit are pals in real life, and she's planning on watching him act in something other than endless fight scenes very soon:

That was a perfect surprise when she called in, except when the host asked who she was, she should have said "a girl has no name."

Summertime as a child is the highlight of the year. It's nice out, there's no school, and there's nothing to do except enjoy youth and store up pleasant memories of freshly-mown grass to help you survive the hot July days inside an office you'll suffer for years to come. The child of redditor ronvonjones1 is as excited for the lazy summer months as any kid should be. Unlike most young ones, this kid's gone ahead and outlined a detailed routine (or "routeon") in order to maximize every enjoyable second of summer.

Three hours of free time followed by three hours of free time—this kid knows how to fill up a day. The question is: what is this child doing during all that free time? Eating popsicles and playing outside? Or watching TV? These days, probably the latter, on an iPad.

In total, this little girl's routeon accounts for 11 hours and 15 minutes, which means this kid gets in a very impressive/borderline unhealthy amount of shuteye every night. 

Wow, this escalated quickly. The Johnny Depp/Amber Heard divorce news, which has been met mostly with jokes about splitting up his scarf/pirate ring collection, just got really sad. Amber Heard filed for divorce yesterday, and today filed for a restraining order against her (still) husband Johnny Depp, claiming domestic abuse. She submitted a picture of herself as evidence, with what appears to be a bruised face.

The abruptness of the divorce came as a shock to a lot of people, but details of their relationship now emerging include red flags galore. She apparently had cold feet before getting married. Sources are saying his family hated her. There's a rumor that their marriage got bad after just three months, but they stayed together an entire extra year to try to make it work. And, you know, to avoid the embarrassment of filing for divorce before the ink is even dry on the marriage certificate. They had TWO weddings, for Pete's sake.

A source toldPage Six, "Their relationship turned sour almost immediately. She’s really young and affected by the industry and 'the scene' at times. Don’t get me wrong; she’s a cool chick, but Johnny doesn’t tolerate that." That is a very frightening statement. And, according to a source for People, “This was only the latest incident." 

52-year-old Depp has been in a lot of relationships over the years (like, a lot), but this is the first time accusations of violence have ever arisen. Well, there was that time in 1994 that he famously trashed a hotel room, paid $10,000 in fines, and mysteriously blamed an armadillo. While breaking hotel property in no way indicates a proclivity towards spousal abuse, it's…not a great sign. There's no doubt this divorce is about to get very, very messy, and that's not fun for anyone. Even pirates.