Nooooo. NOOOOOOO. Goddammit. Today, in absolutely awful news, Radar Online released what are apparently police​reports from 2003 with information about a whole lot of child pornography, as well as images of S&M and animal torture, seized from Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch during his child molestation investigation. Cops also searched a rented storage space into which, sources told police, materials were moved after the investigation had started. To refresh your memory, Jackson was charged with (seven counts of) child molestation and giving an intoxicant to a minor (only two counts there), but was acquitted of the charges in 2005. Which seems even more incredible in the face of all this evidence.

Among the items found were pictures of adult bodies with children's faces superimposed on them, "sexy" pictures of his nephews in their underwear, pictures of bleeding children and animals (including a photo of a child holding what looks like a goose bludgeoned to death), diaries, audiotapes, videotapes, and prescription drugs to treat sex addiction. One insider claimed that Jackson had a book called Room To Play, which included a picture of a JonBenet Ramsey lookalike with a noose around her neck.

Ron Zonen, a former Santa Barbara D.A. who was on the prosecution team, told Radar: "A lot of this stuff was used to desensitize the children." He added, "We identified five different boys, who all made allegations of sexual abuse. There’s not much question in my mind that Michael was guilty of child molestation."

The report can be read in full here (there are 88 pages, although apparently pages one through three are missing), for any morbidly curious people who want to know more.

In Arizona, pretty much the only way to pass the time is to hike a mountain, rescue a horse from a swimming pool, or try to assassinate the moon. Or, you could do what two Phoenix idiots did, and set off every single firework inside a Walmart.

The only fireworks that can legally be sold in Arizona are those little poppers, sparklers, and those boring-ass smoke snakes, but fires can get out of control really quickly, especially in a dusty Phoenix hellscape.

That's why everyone in that Walmart ran for their lives, except whoever was casually taking this video as though he were trying to surreptitiously film a Walmart couple having a fight, and these two goofballs looking back at their handiwork.

Now they are looking at serious jail time. Police intend to charge them with a class 2 felony, which is just below murder. They could be jailed for 20 years, not to mention the metric ton of fines that go with it. As if living in Phoenix isn't enough of a prison sentence.

Victoria Dawson managed to save her four-month-old son after he choked on milk while breastfeeding. The mom from Lincolnshire, England, was feeding her son Eddie when he coughed and then stopped breathing entirely. Dawson said it was terrifying and happened suddenly; soon he was motionless and losing color in his face. Thankfully, she had the training to act quickly, plus help from her partner Alex.

Dawson is a nurse, and described her first attempts at clearing her son's airway:

I gave him rescue breaths while my partner was on the phone to the emergency services, then got Eddie on the floor and started CPR. After a couple of compressions, Eddie began to respond slowly.

He made a full recovery, and spent a night in the hospital before returning home the next day. Dawson is up for Hero Parent of the Year category in the St John Ambulance Everyday Heroes Awards, which is an actual awards program for people that use first aid to save a life.

Awards are lovely, but she's probably most thankful that Eddie is alive and well.

For Father's Day this past Sunday, Jimmy Kimmel challenged kids everywhere to play catch with their dads, but remember, this is the man who wants you to trick kids into thinking you ate all their Halloween candy every year. So it is not as innocent as it sounds. The talk show host requested videos of kids playing catch with their dads, but without telling said dads that they were are about to throw something first. Also, they throw some pretty weird stuff, including live cockroaches, but at least it's more interesting than getting another tie?

What a horrible way to celebrate the man who raised you. At least Jimmy got his in the end. Anyway, if your dad decides to eat some of your Halloween candy this year, let him. He deserves it for putting up with your shit.

It's National Selfie Day, a holiday celebrated by millennials just about every day. The photo taken of oneself is a stunning, efficient innovation in modern portraiture, which without a doubt, has changed the world. In honor of this sacred day, here are the top 13 selfies that have advanced the art form to new heights.

1. The Ellen Oscars Superselfie

When selfies were still a relative novelty, host Ellen DeGeneres assembled a supergroup at the 2014 Academy Awards to create the Avengers/Justice League of selfies. Featuring such celebrities as Jennifer Lawrence, Meryl Streep, and Lupita Nyong'o's brother, it became the most retweeted tweet of all time within a few hours.

2. The Space Selfie

A selfie literally out of this world, featuring the reflection of the world.

3. The Presidential Selfie

Vice President Joe Biden and his sweet baby blue eyes lost their Instagram selfieginity with a handsome shot in the back of a limo that spawned many a fan fiction.

4. The Clinton-Streep Selfie

Another president with her VP.

5. The Accidental Apple Store Selfie

Exciting in both content and context, this demo iPad featuring a curious tester is a screensaver worth saving.

6. The Selfieception

Featuring the holy trinity of the iPad, iPhone, and iMac, it's an even better ad for Apple than the Apple Store one.

7. The Papal Selfie

#Blessed.

8. The Pre-Concussion Selfie

Reporter Kelly Nash pressed her thumb at precisely the right time, creating this action shot of a fly ball in Fenway Park.

9. The Death-Defying Selfie

Kirill Oreshkin, a "rooftoper"/photographer who fancies himself to be Russia's Spider-Man, risked his life to provide the public with this view of Moscow. It was worth it.

10. The Labor Selfie

They both gave birth to something exciting that day.

11. The Funeral Selfie

Almost exactly the opposite of the labor selfie.

12. The Mid-Concert Beyoncé Selfie

Irreplaceable from every vantage point.

13. The Kim Kardashian Naked Selfie

Like it or not, this list would be incomplete without Kim, who literally wrote the book on selfies.

Happy Yoga Day! If you've been practicing the Bendy Art for years, you've probably found that it increases your energy, flexibility, peace of mind, and general sense of well-being. But if you've never tried it, don't bother. You'll just regret it, like the poor fools on this list.

1. Cave Diver Pose

2. Peanut Butter Face Pose

3. One-Eyed Howler Pose

4. Misuse of Gym Equipment Pose

5. Gullible Swan Pose

6. Showoff Pose

7. Catpocalypse Pose

8. Praying Mantis Sex Pose

9. Onramp Pose

10. Forget It Pose

11. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Spaniel Pose

12. Nipple-Bait Pose

13. Murdered by a Husky Pose

Last Friday,LA Weekly published Art Tavana's article on the musician and actress Sky Ferreira in which Tavana spoke at great length about how the 23-year-old looks like Madonna and is cool. When it comes to Ferreira's resemblance to Madonna, Tavana was sure to point out one particular likeness: "Both Sky and Madonna have similar breasts in both cup size and ability to cause a shitstorm."

Tavana spoke about Ferreira's breasts in the context of her 2013 debut Night Time, My Time album cover. Continuing his discussion of her breasts, Tavana shared his opinion upon seeing the cover: "A third unnamed group that included me couldn't help but reminisce about Madonna's defiantly atomic boobs — the two knockers that altered the course of human history."

Later on, Tavana expanded his coverage of Ferreira's body beyond her breasts, saying, that "...we almost never have the audacity to admit that her looks —specifically, her Madonna-ness — is her most direct appeal to the American consumer." He complimented Ferreira's sex appeal, describing it as a "talent."

Ferreira's sex appeal, like any woman's, isn't entirely a gift from God. It isn't something she's simply born with. It had to be sharpened and used like Beatrix's sword in Kill Bill: with fine, deadly precision.

As to her music, Tavana conceded that, "She's got talent — not like Christina Aguilera or Ariana Grande, but she's got pipes comparable to Madonna."

LA Weekly's Music Editor Andy Hermann penned an apology for Tavana's sexist article in which he explained that he saw too late that the article crossed the "fine line between being provocative and being offensive, and every journalist should respect it."

Tavana's intention, the way I saw it, was to write about an artist he admires in a way that didn't shy away from her use of her image and sexuality as a part of that artistry. I felt that, in doing this, he wasn't trying to objectify or degrade her. But some of his language was deliberately inflammatory and ultimately at odds with that underlying intention. As his editor, it was my job to catch that and fix it, or ask him to rethink it — and in that regard, I let down both Tavana and his subject, Sky Ferreira.

After collecting her thoughts, Ferreira responded on Twitter to the article in which Tavana asserted that "she had the chutzpah to defend photographer Terry Richardson" alongside his many compliments about her body.

Previously, Ferreira responded directly on Instagram to Andy Hermann's apology.

They're giving off pretty distinct—and unique—vibes. That makes sense since Madonna and Sky Ferreira are two different people.

Spoiler alert for Game of Thrones season 6, episode 9, "Battle of the Bastards." Duh.

Everyone saw Rickon Stark's death coming, everyone except Jon Snow. But at the moment of the trueborn Stark's demise, you'd be forgiven for becoming an amateur expert in survival tactics. Rickon sprints from Ramsay's killing arrow in a straight line, refusing to heed your calls to the TV screen to "serpentine! serpentine!!"

The young actor who plays Rickon, Art Parkinson, felt the same way. He tweeted an excellent double entendre.

His run included approximately zero lines in season six, a fairly silent, supporting role in previous seasons on a storyline that took a backseat to most others, and a final, desperate sprint that flew in the face of common sense.

Bring back Rickon.

The YouTube channel Jas. Townsend and Son, Inc. is devoted to teaching us lazy 21st-Century humans about what life was like in the 1700s. It's the perfect way to vicariously experience rugged individualism as you sit using your laptop in your air conditioned rooms on your squishy butt. In their new video, viewers are taught how to make fried chicken the way our founding fathers did.

The recipe comes from Nathan Bailey's 1736 cookbook, "Dictionarium Domesticum," but if cooking your food in a cauldron over an open flame and using twigs as utensils is not your thing, you can always pop over to your local KFC. Just know you are letting your ancestors down, big time.

Josh Marshall is a Kansas dad whose eight-year-old son Gabriel was diagnosed with a malignant brain tumor in March 2015. Surgery to remove the tumor left Gabriel with a scar on his head that made him self-conscious, so his dad decided to have a matching "scar" tattooed on his own head. Getting a tattoo to make your child feel more at ease is a kickass display of solidarity, and if you think he should win a dad award for this, he totally did.

He's been by Gabriel's side for the entire fight:

Here you can see Josh getting ready for that new ink:

Here's Josh showing off the new tat with Gabriel:

Finally, this is the announcement of Josh winning the St. Baldrick's Best Bald Dad Contest:

So in addition to being selfless and awesome, Josh is also a gracious winner. If there are more dad contests to win, he should win them all. Good luck to Gabriel during his recovery.

July 1st is just around the corner, which means two things: July 4th ~party plans~ and Netflix updates. Would you like the good news or bad news first? OK, bad news.

Here's what departing Netflix:

July 1

2001: A Space Odyssey

A Clockwork Orange

A League of Their Own

Allegiance

Along Came Polly

Best in Show

The Beverly Hillbillies

Bulworth

Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid

Caillou, season 5

The Central Park Five

Cheech & Chong’s Up in Smoke

The Conspiracy

Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood, seasons 1&2

Dinosaur Train, season 2

Drive Me Crazy

Flashpoint, seasons 1-5

The Flintstones

The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas

The Game, seasons 1-3

How to Marry a Millionaire

Ice Age: The Meltdown

Medium, seasons 1-7

Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood: Volume 1

Mouse Hunt

My Sister’s Wedding

Notting Hill

Numb3rs, seasons 1-6

Odd Squad, season 1

The Perfect Storm

The Quiet Man

Reading Rainbow: Volume 1

The Right Stuff

Rubber

Star Trek: The Motion Picture

Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan

Star Trek III: The Search for Spock

Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home

Star Trek V: The Final Frontier

Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country

Star Trek: Generations

Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby

Team America: World Police

Tesla: Master of Lightning

Thumbelina

The Very Hungry Caterpillar and Other Stories

Wild Kratts, seasons 1-3

Witness

Women Aren’t Funny

WordWorld, season 1

Zoboomafoo, season 2

July 2

Venus and Serena

July 15

Color Crew

July 16

Serenity

July 31

Braxton Family Values, season 3

It's always hard to say goodbye.

And here's what's coming to bring you joy.

July 1

41 on 41

A Long Way From Home

Back to the Future

Back to the Future Part II

Back to the Future Part III

Bad Boys II

Batman: The Movie

Beavis and Butt-head Do America

Between, season 2

Beverly Hills Cop

Beverly Hills Cop II

Big Trouble in Little China

Blade 2

By the People: The Election of Barack Obama

Catwoman

Cheaper by the Dozen

Cinderella Man

Conflict

Death Race 2

Death Race 3: Inferno

Deep, season 1

Dreamcatcher

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

Gentlemen Prefer Blondes

Gladiator

Hello, Dolly!

Hey Arnold! The Movie

Honey

Insomnia

The Italian Job

Jackass: Number Two

Jim Jefferies: Freedumb

Lalaloopsy Ponies: The Big Show

Lethal Weapon

Lethal Weapon 2

Lethal Weapon 3

Lethal Weapon 4

The Longest Yard

The Lovely Bones

Making the American Man

Marcella, season 1

Marco Polo, season 2

Mean Girls

Nevada Smith

Nick of Time

The Painted Veil

Pandemic

Phenomenon

Raiders Of The Lost Art, season 2

Rumor Has It

Scooby-Doo

The Shannara Chronicles, season 1

The Sting

Stomp the Yard: Homecoming

Talhotblond

Terminus

Turner and Hooch

Twisted

Watershed: Exploring A New Water Ethic For The New West

Well Wishes

Working Girl

Yours, Mine and Ours

July 4

Kuromukuro, season 1

July 6

The Big Short

July 7

A War

The Armor of Light

Brahman Naman

NSU German History X, season 1

July 8

The Invitation

Word Party, season 1

July 9

Mustang

Mystery Files, season 1

July 10

The Last Kingdom, season 1

July 12

Rolling Papers

July 14

Gridlocked

Magi: The Adventures of Sinbad, season 1

Todd Margaret, season 3

July 15

The Adventures of Puss in Boots, season 3

Ghostheads

Holidays

Rebirth

Stranger Things, season 1

Tony Robbins: I Am Not Your Guru

July 16

Fighting

July 19

Liv and Maddie, season 3

July 21

Internet Famous

July 22

BoJack Horseman, season 3

Degrassi: Next Class, season 2

July 24

Popples, season 3

July 27

The Wave

July 29

Home: Adventures With Tip & Oh, season 1

Last Chance U

LEGO Bionicle: The Journey to One, season 2

Tallulah

July 30

My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic, season 6, part 1

July 31

Hit Record on TV with Joseph Gordon-Levitt, season 2

All in all, July should be a good month with the mix of classics and newer material Netflix is providing its hungry audience with.

At 7:52 AM on the morning of Tuesday, June 21, Good Morning America sent out the following tweet:

That's right: Good Morning America called the venerable Kermit-drinking-tea meme "#TEALIZARD." As the internet quickly pointed out, Kermit (a frog) is owned by Disney, which also owns ABC. Therefore, there was no copyright reason for them not to use the name Kermit the Frog. They also could've used the meme's longer official name, which according to a KnowYourMeme entry dating all the way back to 2014 is "But That's None Of My Business." If you've never seen it in the wild, here's how it normally goes:

It's a meme. It's not amazing, but sometimes it's fine, and once you've seen it you know what it means. The meme is in the news this week, however, thanks to one LeBron James, who posted the following image on Instagram after his silly little basketball team won the NBA championship over the weekend:

So GMA's ignorance is, well, especially unforgivable—and the internet treated it as such. Here are fifteen of the funniest tweets rightfully mocking GMA for their weird misunderstanding of youth culture. Because also, like, "smockin?" What even is that?

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Early in June, a photo taken by Jes Jackson's appeared everywhere. You might remember the image; it was of a mother surprised to learn the true sex of her baby. Now, Jackson is waging war on Instagram censorship and fighting to make another photo of hers appear on feeds. Mamamia reported that the Tasmanian photographer tried to share a picture of hers from a few years back on the account for her company, Itty Bitty Photography. The black-and-white picture is close-up of a midwife helping a baby unhappily enter the world while covered in bunch of amniotic fluid and vernix.

The first time Jackson posted the photo, it was flagged after eight hours and Jackson couldn't log into her account for a period time. Jackson got back on and posted a video expressing her unhappiness, while showing off her accent.

Jackson posted the image again. 800 likes and eight hours later, the picture was removed.

Jackson tried one more. Alas, the third time was not the charm, and the photo is no longer on Jackson's feed.

The photographer cannot comprehend why Instagram hates this picture.

I read the community standards and there was no way this image was breaching them, in my opinion. It was an image I had taken, it contained no sexual intercourse, no genitals, no buttocks, no nipples, it was respectful and it did not contain violence. It fostered meaningful and genuine interactions, I was not a spammer, and I had followed the law.

Getting these sorts of photos to stay up on Instagram is rather important for Jackson.

Birth has been and is being portrayed in such a negative light for such a long time now - everyone is quick to tell you of their horrible birth experience. It's something that has always been private and rarely talked about, and I want to put a stop to this.

I want to share REAL birth images depicting what birth can look like, That birth can be calm, relaxing, pleasurable, beautiful. It can be whatever you want it to be, regardless of if you deliver vaginally or via c-section, because birth is beautiful.

Jackson has managed to get a few of these "real" photos to stay on her Instagram, like this little guy.

He doesn't look that relaxed.