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The 5 weirdest defenses of Donald Trump's "p***y" grabbing comments so far, ranked.

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On Oct. 7, a tape emerged of Donald Trump bragging to Billy Bush about his ability to make unwanted advances on women, saying he likes to "grab 'em by the pussy." This was somewhat problematic for the candidate of the party that often claims to represent family values. Nevertheless, several Republicans have felt obliged to try and defend him (even if they couldn't stand to hear it). Here are the 5 most common excuses, ranked by insanity:

5. "This tape is so old. But what about the Clintons?"

The GOP's best and most popular option at this point is to simultaneously say "that video is 11 years old and people change," while also saying Bill Clinton was no saint in the 90s and that is on Hillary. It's the best option, because yeah, Bill is a dirty dog. However, it relies on forgetting a 10-year-old incident in favor of decades-old ones and believing Hillary collaborated with Bill in some kind of Cruel Temptations-like scheme to assault women.

4. "Everything is going exactly as planned."

If you're not familiar with Bill Mitchell, the Tony Robbins knockoff and radio host is Trump's most Pollyannish supporter. He's also a favorite among liberal twitter comedians for being the platonic ideal of a target. He had a great day yesterday in which the Trump story barely even happened.

3. "Locker room banter."

Actually a part of Donald's real apology, he described the open-air conversation he had on a studio lot in front of cameras with a celebrity he just met as "locker room banter." Trump also said "Bill Clinton has said far worse to me on the golf course — not even close." Not only does this mean that the best he can do is that he's also bragged about sexual assault with Bill Clinton (if true), but that Trump would be comfortable telling any and all dudes that he enjoys grabbing women's unsuspecting genitals. This is not a good defense.

2. "He was a Democrat, but he got better."

You can't even get mad at this one. Washington State GOP chair Susan Hutchinson strips the paint off the competition with the creativity of this answer.

1. "But just wait until people get a load of this King David guy."

Literally bringing comedians' jokes to life, Sean Hannity cited the biblical example of King David on his nightly Fox News show. If you're not familiar with King David, the Israelite monarch slew Goliath as a young man, but was more famous in his elder years for having 500 concubines.

People have since pointed out several flaws in this excuse. Specifically, that owning 500 women as sex objects is not considered "cool" anymore. Also, debauched monarchs are not really America's thing as a shining light of democracy. Also (I've been told), the Bible is not always 100% historically accurate. Also, it was 3100 years ago and times have changed just a little bit, even by GOP standards.


Writer Kelly Oxford uses social media to share women's stories of assault in wake of Trump tapes.

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On October 7, a tape emerged that showed Donald Trump bragging about his ability to get away with groping and kissing women at his leisure. While many were eager to mock his downfall, writer and comedian Kelly Oxford made sure everyone took time to focus on the real problem: a #NotOkay culture where Trumps are tolerated and women are left to deal with them from a young age.

Oxford's response was overwhelming, both in the number of women who shared their stories and in its intensity:

Read more on Oxford's timeline.

The 26 funniest tweets of 10/8/16: Trump, Trump, Trump, Hurricane Matthew, Trump.

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It's Saturday, but Donald Trump is keeping the news busy, spinning his hot mic sex assault talk as "locker room" stuff, trotting out a second apology, nudging his wife to cover for him (á la Hillary Clinton), while also blaming Hillary Clinton for her husband's infidelities. And there was a hurricane or something! Read all about it, here are the 26 funniest tweets from October 8th, 2016:

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Three actual accusations of sexual assault still hanging over Donald Trump's head.

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If you're just tuning in, Donald Trump finally went too far when a tape emerged of the candidate (then a reality star) bragging about how he, "a star," can paw women's bodies and "they let you do it... You can do anything you want." This has not played well. Women responded, Twitter responded, even some Republicans responded.

Before this finally broke through and the GOP began defecting, other stories about Trump's past were overlooked. In part because there were always newer scandals to read about, in part because it took this long for everyone to believe Trump was this bad. Which is weird, because these three cases have been here the whole time:

1. In Trump's divorce proceedings, his wife accused him of rape and assault.

Under oath during divorce proceedings in 1990, Ivana Trump testified to a terrifying encounter which she described as "rape." After settling out of court, she signed a gag order and agreed to take back her accusation. Before that gag order went into effect, she did interviews for a 1993 book by Newsweek and Texas Monthly reporter Harry Hurt III, Lost Tycoon: The Many Lives of Donald J. Trump. Ivana may not be allowed to discuss it, but Hurt recalls what she told him,

The book, by former Texas Monthly and Newsweek reporter Harry Hurt III, described a harrowing scene. After a painful scalp reduction surgery to remove a bald spot, Donald Trump confronted his then-wife, who had previously used the same plastic surgeon.

“Your fucking doctor has ruined me!” Trump cried.

What followed was a “violent assault,” according to Lost Tycoon. Donald held back Ivana’s arms and began to pull out fistfuls of hair from her scalp, as if to mirror the pain he felt from his own operation. He tore off her clothes and unzipped his pants.

What follows next is graphic, and Hurt added, "according to versions she repeats to some of her closest confidantes, ‘he raped me.’” Trump denies this, of course, and his lawyers forced the publisher to insert this statement from Ivana on the same page:

During a deposition given by me in connection with my matrimonial case, I stated that my husband had raped me. On one occasion during 1989, Mr. Trump and I had marital relations in which he behaved very differently toward me than he had during our marriage. As a woman, I felt violated, as the love and tenderness, which he normally exhibited towards me, was absent.

Trump's lawyer Michael Cohen has also repeatedly harassed journalists who look into the story, telling reporters for The Daily Beast,

You write a story that has Mr. Trump’s name in it, with the word ‘rape,’ and I’m going to mess your life up… for as long as you’re on this frickin’ planet… you’re going to have judgments against you, so much money, you’ll never know how to get out from underneath it.

Ivana has since made domestic violence her preferred charity cause.

2. Jill Harth, who accused Trump of using his famous "grab em by the pussy" move in Ivanka's bedroom while her boyfriend was around the corner.

Trump attested in his Billy Bush tape that being married is no obstacle to him popping a Tic Tac and going for it, and also to his preferred molesting techniques. Jill Harth told the New York Daily News on October 8 about Trump's words, "that was exactly what he did to me."

Back in the early 90s, Hart and her then-boyfriend George Houraney owned American Dream Enterprise, a company that ran a "calendar girls" style pageant. Those calendar girls would also make appearances at car shows and other events.

When Trump wanted them to partner with his Atlantic City casinos, they were thrilled. Right from the beginning, however, there were problems. At their first meeting, according a 1997 sexual harassment suit by Hart, Trump asked Houraney "Are you sleeping with her?" When he was informed that they were dating, Trump continued, "You know, there’s going to be a problem. I’m very attracted to your girlfriend.” (Trump has denied this.)

There was, indeed, a problem:

“He was relentless,” Harth recalled in an interview, describing how on Dec. 12, 1992, he took the couple to dinner and a club — and then situated himself beside Harth and ran his hands up her skirt, to her crotch. “I didn’t know how to handle it. I would go away from him and say I have to go to the restroom. It was the escape route.”

Hart and Houraney wanted the deal, however, and tried to arrange their meetings with Trump to make such interactions impossible. Finally, however, they yielded to Trump's request to visit his Mar-a-Lago home in Florida. He also wanted them to bring the calendar girls.

While on a tour of the mansion, she says, Trump pulled her into Ivanka's empty room.

“I was admiring the decoration, and next thing I know he’s pushing me against a wall and has his hands all over me,” Harth told me. “He was trying to kiss me. I was freaking out.” Harth says she was desperately protesting, and finally managed to run out of the room and find the group again. She and Houraney left rather than stay the night, as they had intended.

The calendar girls were still at Mar-a-Lago, and according to the New York Times, one young woman had to throw him out of her room after an unexpected early-morning visit from the host. Doing business with Trump did not get easier.

That year, Harth continued to meet Trump for business — and, she says, he continued to try to jump her. “He’d say, ‘Let’s go in my room, I want to lie down,’ and he’d pull me along. I’d say, ‘I don’t want to lie down,’ and it would turn into a wrestling match. … I remember yelling, ‘I didn’t come here for this.’ He’d say, ‘Just calm down.’”

Later after she and Houraney broke up and she was depressed and broke, Trump pursued her. Admittedly somewhat out of self-interest, she agreed and they dated. Apparently, Trump's attention span drops off considerably once someone is with him voluntarily.

They dated for several months in 1998, when he was separated from [Marla] Maples, she says. In the end, he was a disappointing boyfriend, always watching television and rarely offering emotional support, she says.

“It was a hard divorce, and I was in a nonstop crying jag,” she recalls. “You know what he was thinking? He wanted me to get a boob job. He made an appointment for me to get a boob job, a doctor in Miami.”

You can read more about Harth's story in Nicholas Kristof's extensive piece published today in the New York Times.

3. Trump's ongoing child rape case.

You read that right. On October 7, while the Trump Tapes dominated the news, this story was filed on Dan Abrams' prominent law site LawNewz:

Federal Judge Ronnie Abrams has ordered a December status conference hearing after a woman, who calls herself “Jane Doe,” filed a lawsuit claiming that Trump raped her when she was 13 years old in the 1990s.

This is the third time this Jane Doe has filed this suit, but this time she has a new witness, "Joan Doe." According to Ms. Doe, this happened at a party hosted by Jeffrey Epstein, a financier once known for wild parties and now remembered for paying to have sex with children. (As Trump fans will point out, both Trump and Bill Clinton were friendly with Epstein and both flew on his notorious plane.)

There was already a previous witness, "Tiffany," who "provided an affidavit in the lawsuit, said she witnessed Trump and Epstein rape the plaintiff several times." Jane also claimed she worried aloud afterwards about pregnancy and "she said he angrily threw $100 bills at her and told her to “get a f***ing abortion.”"

Trump's lawyers have repeatedly denied the allegations and called them an "obvious publicity stunt." Before the case was filed this time following a dismissal last month, Trump's lawyer Thomas Meagher said of Jane Doe's lawyer, "in the event he decides to refile his complaint we will seek to have him sanctioned." This time, however, is the furthest the case has ever gotten.

In the wake of the Trump/Bush tape, however, even pro-Republican (although anti-Trump) sites like RedState are saying given what we now know about Trump, this is "not only believable but unsurprising."

It could be absolutely nothing, but we all know that old political saying, "if you're arguing why people should ignore a sexual assault case against a 13-year-old, you've already lost."

Trump's old Howard Stern interviews return: Ivanka "a piece of ass," 35 is "check-out time" for a woman, etc.

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Presumably as part of Donald Trump's master plan to defeat the media by having so many scandals that journalists die of exhaustion, new audio has emerged of Donald Trump talking to Howard Stern. CNN pored through Howard Stern Show tapes to unearth a lot of great gems. Trump has been a frequent guest on the shock jock's show, which would be fine if he had never decided to run for president or the GOP hadn't nominated him, but they did. Now there's 20 years of Stern interviews to mine.

First, here's the conversation about "piece of ass" Ivanka (then 23) from a 2004 interview:

Trump: "My daughter is beautiful, Ivanka-"
Stern: "By the way, your daughter."
Trump: "She's beautiful."
Stern: "Can I say this? A piece of ass."
Trump: "Yeah."

What's weird is not that Howard Stern would try to get a rise out of Trump like this. What's weird is Trump's embrace of it. Then, in a 2006 interview years later, the conversation picks up like it never left off!

Stern: “Your daughter is looking more beautiful than ever...I saw her in FHM... my question is did your daughter get breast implants?"

Trump: "No."

Stern: "No, you mean that?

Trump: "No. No, she didn't. I mean, I would know if she did, the answer is no. Why, did she look at little more fat?"

Stern: "She looks more voluptuous than ever."

Trump: "Nah, she didn't get 'em."

Stern: "And she got thinner..."

Trump: "She's actually always been very voluptuous.”

When it comes to dating younger women, Stern asked whether Trump thought he could be "banging 24 year olds." Trump responded "absolutely," and that he'd "have no problem" with it (Melania was 30 at the time). Trump furthermore explained that 35 years old is "check-out time" for his girlfriends.

Finally, evoking the many rumors of Trump's reluctance about African-American beauty queens in his pageants, Stern asks trump if he's​“had a black woman in bed.” Said Trump, "it depends on what your definition of black is" before making some jokes about Jesse Jackson's Rainbow Coalition.

There are literally like 100 more things. Just go look.

Joe Biden just came out and said it about Trump.

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It's been a long day of Trump, so let's end on this note from an elected official actually using the correct phrase for Trump's disgusting and braggodocious accounts of forcing himself on women.

Biden has made fighting sexual assault a focus of his vice presidency, encouraging men to be proactive in making a better culture and reaching out to victims. All in all, despite giving some random backrubs, he's pretty cool.

Alec Baldwin's Trump digs hole after hole in the 'SNL' cold open Donald earned for himself.

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Alec Baldwin reprised his role as Donald Trump in the Oct. 8 episode of Saturday Night Live, in a cold open clearly written the same day. In case you missed it, a 2005 tape emerged of Donald Trump bragging to Access Hollywood host Billy Bush about the perks of being a star, like being able to kiss unsuspecting women and "grab them by the pussy." Coming off a week where Mike Pence's denial of Trump's words at the VP debate (Mikey Day and Beck Bennett make a great Kaine & Pence) was the high point, a lot of people were waiting for this sketch:

Lin-Manuel Miranda did not throw away his shot to combine 'Hamilton' & politics for his 'SNL' debut.

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Hamilton star and "hottest rapper on PBS" Lin-Manuel Miranda lucked out by hosting Saturday Night Live on October 8, and he made it count in his (half) musical monologue. The star of a hit hip-hop musical about "two New York politicians" with big egos alluded to the biggest news day of the year in the first half, before launching into an adaptation of "One Shot" from Hamilton. Despite the short notice, Trump definitely gets a shout out.


Sports

'Crucible Cast Party' is the 'SNL' sketch horny theater kids always have been waiting for.

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Saturday Night Live and host Lin-Manuel Miranda gave theater kids of all ages a music video all their own with 'Crucible Cast Party,' aka "the horniest event in town." Culminating in a tour de force from the kid who is always cast as the lead (Lin-Manuel, obviously), this and Stranger Thigns were easily the best sketches of the night that didn't involve politics. Watch these awkward emotional teens get down, because they earned it by not messing up once in the play.

Kate McKinnon almost makes you pity Trump spokesperson Kellyanne Conway in 'A Day Off' on 'SNL.'

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It's deeply ironic that Saturday Night Live aired, "A Day Off," a short about Trump spokesperson Kellyanne Conway trying to escape Trump's scandals on the very same day Trump effed up so badly that she had to cancel her next day. She canceled on Meet The Press today! Nevertheless, seeing Kate McKinnon in her shoes and frazzled blonde hair, you almost feel bad for this clearly smart, professional woman who looked at Donald Trump and said "yeah, I can fix that man."

Almost.

Rudy Giuliani goes on 'Meet The Press' to get his humiliating reward for backing Donald Trump.

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Rudy Giuliani, a fellow loud, obnoxious New Yorker with a jaw-dropping marital history, has been a major Trump booster since 2015—and Rudy got everything he earned when he appeared on Meet The Press this morning to defend Trump's "grab 'em by the pussy" comments. This moment in particular, when Giuliani calls attention to Hillary Clinton's public vs private life and then walks right into a trap, went viral Sunday morning.

Perhaps the most emotionally brutal moment, however, comes after Rudy tries to say no one can prove Donald really took action on his rapey words. Chuck Todd reads a quote from Temple Taggart, a beauty queen who was relieved when Trump's tape emerged because "now no one can say I made this up." Here's a longer excerpt, with a bonus highlight below:

And as a bonus, here's Giuliani failing just as badly with Jake Tapper:

Even more bonus:

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'SNL' turns 'Stranger Things' upside down by pointing out everything (else) that's weird about it.

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Saturday Night Live would be remiss if they didn't address Netflix's supernatural hit Stranger Things, and they managed to make it one of the more socially conscious sketches in a night with a few political hits. In a genre of sketch SNL has done a few times in recent years to good effect, Leslie Jones and Kenan Thompson play stern but level-headed black parents who are nervous about their kid playing with these unsupervised, weird white kids. It sends up Stranger Things (what is that guy doing hanging out with kids so much) and hot button topics at once, and Lin-Manuel Miranda had a sketch where he didn't even have to sing!

27 of the best reactions from comedians & more to Trump Meltdown, Day 3: The Debate Approaches.

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As Donald Trump's hot mic debacle continues, the word on the tweets is a tape of Trump using the N-word is on the way. Meanwhile, there's a big debate tonight! Should be interesting. Here are 27 of the funniest reactions to this ongoing circus:

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Amber Tamblyn shares devastating story of being attacked in the manner Trump described.

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Amber Tamblyn went from General Hospital to House on to feature films and directing Paint It Black, but as the #NotOkay campaign has shown, the star is hardly alone in having met someone who thinks it's ok to grab women the way Trump does. Tamblyn took to Instagram with this incredibly powerful post about an abusive ex who decided to literally pick her up like property by her genitals. She also frankly details the effects this had afterwards, the effects of hearing Trump's words, and how they prompted her to write this.

I need to tell you a story. With the love and support of my husband, I've decided to share it publicly. A very long time ago I ended a long emotionally and physically abusive relationship with a man I had been with for some time. One night I was at a show with a couple girlfriends in Hollywood, listening to a DJ we all loved. I knew there was a chance my ex could show up, but I felt protected with my girls around me. Without going into all the of the details, I will tell you that my ex did show up, and came up to me in the crowd. He's a big guy, taller than me. The minute he saw me, he picked me up with one hand by my hair and with his other hand, he grabbed me under my skirt by my vagina— my pussy?— and lifted me up off the floor, literally, and carried me, like something he owned, like a piece of trash, out of the club. His fingers were practically inside of me, his other hand wrapped tightly around my hair. I screamed and kicked and cried. He carried me this way, suspended by his hands, all the way across the room, pushing past people until he got to the front door. My friends ran after him, trying to stop him. We got to the front door and I thank God his brothers were also there and intervened. In the scuffle he grabbed at my clothes, trying to hold onto me, screaming at me, and inadvertently ripped off my grandmother’s necklace, which I was wearing. The rest of this night is a blur I do not remember. How I got out to the car. How I got away from him that night. I never returned for my necklace either. That part of my body, which the current Presidential Nominee of the United States Donald Trump recently described as something he’d like to grab a woman by, was bruised from my ex-boyfriend's violence for at least the next week. I had a hard time wearing jeans. I couldn’t sleep without a pillow between my legs to create space. To this day I remember that moment. I remember the shame. I am afraid my mom will read this post. I'm even more afraid that my father could ever know this story. That it would break his heart. I couldn't take that. But you understand, don't you? I needed to tell a story. Enjoy the debates tonight.

A photo posted by Amber Tamblyn (@amberrosetamblyn) on

Tamblyn writes:

I need to tell you a story. With the love and support of my husband, I've decided to share it publicly.

A very long time ago I ended a long emotionally and physically abusive relationship with a man I had been with for some time. One night I was at a show with a couple girlfriends in Hollywood, listening to a DJ we all loved. I knew there was a chance my ex could show up, but I felt protected with my girls around me. Without going into all the of the details, I will tell you that my ex did show up, and came up to me in the crowd. He's a big guy, taller than me. The minute he saw me, he picked me up with one hand by my hair and with his other hand, he grabbed me under my skirt by my vagina— my pussy?— and lifted me up off the floor, literally, and carried me, like something he owned, like a piece of trash, out of the club. His fingers were practically inside of me, his other hand wrapped tightly around my hair. I screamed and kicked and cried. He carried me this way, suspended by his hands, all the way across the room, pushing past people until he got to the front door. My friends ran after him, trying to stop him. We got to the front door and I thank God his brothers were also there and intervened. In the scuffle he grabbed at my clothes, trying to hold onto me, screaming at me, and inadvertently ripped off my grandmother’s necklace, which I was wearing. The rest of this night is a blur I do not remember. How I got out to the car. How I got away from him that night. I never returned for my necklace either.

That part of my body, which the current Presidential Nominee of the United States Donald Trump recently described as something he’d like to grab a woman by, was bruised from my ex-boyfriend's violence for at least the next week. I had a hard time wearing jeans. I couldn’t sleep without a pillow between my legs to create space.

To this day I remember that moment. I remember the shame. I am afraid my mom will read this post. I'm even more afraid that my father could ever know this story. That it would break his heart. I couldn't take that. But you understand, don't you? I needed to tell a story. Enjoy the debates tonight.

It is heartbreaking that she went through that and that Trump resurfaced these thoughts for so many people, but it's undeniable that something has happened in the eruption of anger and honesty since then. And to think, Tamblyn was one of the few people nice enough in America to point out that the naked, penis-shaming Trump statues were problematic.

Live Stream: Trump v Clinton, round 2: "The Kablooey in St. Louis."

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The second presidential debate between former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and Apprentice host Donald Trump has arrived, and all bets are off. Trump has dominated the headlines for days thanks to a tape of him boasting of taking sexual liberties with unsuspecting women, prompting Trump held a pre-debate live conference with Bill Clinton's accusers. Beyond Trump's telegraphed attack on Bill, the banter on Fox News all day indicates that (they hope, at least) Trump will also bring up the Wikileaks dump of Clinton emails and bank speech transcripts. They haven't yielded any bombshells after 48 hours, but if there's a Clinton October Surprise, that will likely be where it comes from.

Here, from PBS (so you don't have to give any cable channels $$$) is the live stream:

The Someecards Situation Room: live hot takes from the 2nd Presidential Debate.

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Tonight is the second presidential debate between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump. While the two candiates fight it out in St. Louis, we'll be commenting live with hot takes, jokes, gifs, and highlights. Watch the debate and follow along with us here as we update you in real time throughout the debate.

Have something you'd like to contribute? Send your own hot takes to submissions@someecards.com.

The 52 best reactions to the second Trump v Clinton presidential debate, The Kablooey in St. Louis.

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Suppress your gag reflex, it's the second presidential debate! Dismissing his sex crime brags as "locker room talk," Donald Trump doubled down, interrupting constantly, threatening to jail his opponent, glowering like a supervillain, and more. Hillary had rough moments as well, but it's hard to listen when he keeps pacing back there. Here are the 52 best reactions!

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Trump spent the second debate lurking behind Hillary like a stalker.

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The second 2016 presidential debate was held in a "town hall" style, which meant that voters could ask the candidates questions directly, and more importantly, that the candidates weren't stuck behind podiums. They were free to walk around the stage, and as many on social media noticed, Donald Trump in particular took full advantage. He spent much of the debate walking and standing behind Hillary Clinton as she spoke, gesturing to the crowd and staring dead-eyed at her like some kind of stalker. Twitter couldn't handle it.

And was Secretary Clinton happy about it?

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